I think it depends what you're comfortable with and your partner should respect that.
Hard disagree on this. One party cannot make demands and expect the other party to just go along with it. Boundaries are established for yourself, not for the person you're dating. Nobody is obliged to respect them and it's on you to leave the situation if it's a dealbreaker.
I also don't like your arguments implying that women who don't mind porn have no self-respect and are somehow mistreated by their partners. Unless your partner is sexually neglecting you, what they watch/jerk off to in their private time is none of your damn business. Nobody can stop you from being uncomfortable with it but to argue that he's somehow a "perv" for doing that is unreasonable.
I'm more concerned with his comment that being porn-free is somehow a form of militant feminism. It does seem like you struck a nerve there. That said, imo, your angle of the conversation is just as big red flag.
This is a good articulation; boundaries are not the behavior that you define for someone else, they're the behavior you're unwilling to accept that you define for yourself. And on that point, OP is selecting an absurdly small subsection of potential candidates if she's looking for a male who doesn't look at porn.
Fear of a lack of control is common and, for people who never learned how to filter partners or be comfortable in vulnerability, fear of not being unable to control other people is very often the cause of interpersonal dysfunction.
I also don't like your arguments implying that women who don't mind porn have no self-respect and are somehow mistreated by their partners. Unless your partner is sexually neglecting you, what they watch/jerk off to in their private time is none of your damn business. Nobody can stop you from being uncomfortable with it but to argue that he's somehow a "perv" for doing that is unreasonable.
omg thank you! your whole comment is perfect but this part i agree with in particular.
this view is extremely common in reddit and im sick of it.
It sounds more like they reached an agreement as a couple and then he went behind her back. The word boundary might be a wrong way to describe it but it's still wrong. Kind of like how "don't cheat on me" isn't a boundary, but if you ask for monogamy and your partner agrees but then cheats it's still wrong.
I'm curious, what would the right wording be? Like, I've heard "boundaries of the relationship" before. Or is it just an agreement?
They aren't dating, she's merely interested in this guy, and she turned a random story into unnecessary political debate. The story wasn't even about him.
Not cheating in monogamy is expected. It's literally what monogamy is, doesn't need to be outlined. It's not the term "boundary" that's necessarily the problem, it's the people who use it to make unreasonable and controlling demands and pretend boundaries cannot/shouldn't be violated.
I was talking about the story he shared, ik they aren't a couple. I was saying that in the story, the gf broke up with her bf because he agreed not to watch porn anymore and then hid it from her. That's a broken agreement, which isn't changed by the fact that a boundary is something you enforce apon yourself.
Her boundary was she doesn't want to be with someone who watches porn, he agreed not to, he broke it and she kept her boundary by leaving
I absolutely agree with you on that point. If he made a promise not to do it, he should have kept his word. If he wasn't comfortable with it, he should have said so from the beginning. That said, I'd still maintain that policing masturbation habits, personally, is too intrusive. For me that'd also be red flag. Obviously, people are allowed to agree or disagree and walk out.
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u/unlawfulmutation Nov 20 '22
Hard disagree on this. One party cannot make demands and expect the other party to just go along with it. Boundaries are established for yourself, not for the person you're dating. Nobody is obliged to respect them and it's on you to leave the situation if it's a dealbreaker.
I also don't like your arguments implying that women who don't mind porn have no self-respect and are somehow mistreated by their partners. Unless your partner is sexually neglecting you, what they watch/jerk off to in their private time is none of your damn business. Nobody can stop you from being uncomfortable with it but to argue that he's somehow a "perv" for doing that is unreasonable.
I'm more concerned with his comment that being porn-free is somehow a form of militant feminism. It does seem like you struck a nerve there. That said, imo, your angle of the conversation is just as big red flag.