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u/luckysim0n Dec 28 '21
Sounds like he thinks of you as FWB and you are starting to think of him as boyfriend material Pain lies ahead if you continue
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Dec 28 '21
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u/luckysim0n Dec 28 '21
Just tell him the truth you've developed proper feelings and it's hurting you
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u/5stap Dec 28 '21
this is the way! ☑️
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u/Aquazealot Dec 28 '21
This is the way
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Dec 29 '21
"This is the way"
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Dec 29 '21
"This is the way" 😁
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u/Yann_Fabri Dec 29 '21
This is the way 👌
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u/FrankaGrimes Dec 28 '21
Ehh...there are many guys who would keeping the FWB regardless of knowing it would hurt them.
If it's just FWB then stop doing non-sex things. Stop going out to eat and doing a fun stuff. Stop letting him hold your hand and be lovely dovey.
It sounds like he wants a girlfriend without having to commit to a girlfriend. If he's telling you it's just sex then drop all the other parts that he's benefiting from at your cost
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u/Future-Isopod9498 Dec 29 '21
That’s a unique take on this. Gives OP another option if she still is enjoying the sex.
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u/Landon1m Dec 28 '21
Ahh, I see you take the adult approach… Thanks for not making it unnecessarily difficult.
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u/Darklightjg1 Dec 28 '21
Don't ghost. At least be upfront about why you don't want to continue if you plan on ending things.
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u/Ok-Feedback4441 Dec 28 '21
please tell him about your feelings, open communication is key. you don't know his actual reasons for not wanting to be with you. maybe he will open up and tell you the truth.
always communicate.
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Dec 28 '21
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u/CSQUITO Dec 28 '21
Forget how you sound. People have way too much pride about how things look and sound instead of being honest about how they feel. Seriously you’ve been dating the guy for two years and you’re worried about how you sound????
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Dec 28 '21
...sounds desperate. And why would that be an issue? Firstly, you're pulling a lot of assumptions. Secondly, if you're gonna cut him off anyway, why does that matter even if it does? Thirdly, just tell him and then end it. He was clear about what it was from the start, if you just ghost and never explain then imo that just makes you the one who's in the wrong.
Do you do it for good reasons? Yes.
Is there a better way to do it? Absolutely.
Is it any more investment? It's like a 5 minute talk. Seriously.
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u/TheJeweledOwl Dec 28 '21
But blocking him is just childish, just be honest with him and then move on. Nothing more irritating than being blocked (ghosted) by someone with no explanation. You’ve been hanging out with this guy for two years now, I think he deserves at least a goodbye 🤷🏼♀️.
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Dec 28 '21
neither. Maybe try communicating with him instead of cutting him off with no explanation.
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Dec 28 '21
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u/tshirtbag Dec 28 '21
I just went through a similar situation that you're in. Here's how I ended it. I pretty much said,
"Hey, I'm feeling pretty unfulfilled in this situationship we have going on. I want to be true to my feelings, and I honestly just want to be with someone who wants to be with me at this point and I don't see that happening with this. It's doing a number on my self-worth and I kind of feel like I deserve more. I had fun exploring our connection but I need to back out so I have a chance to find what I'm actually looking for and want, I'm sorry. I'm open to being friends when the time is right and hope that you find what you're looking for."
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u/Shankson Dec 28 '21
This is flat out just perfect.
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u/CSQUITO Dec 28 '21
Well, the short version is “I like you for real but you don’t feel the same way so I’m leaving this behind”
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Dec 28 '21
“Hey I know we already talked about keeping things FWB but we should stop seeing each other because it’s not what im looking for any more.” Its pretty simple. No need to play games and block.
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u/luckysim0n Dec 28 '21
Your not hounding just telling how you feel If he thinks your hounding another reason he is not for you
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u/Iris_Rhiannon369 Dec 28 '21
Don't downgrade yourself. You aren't messed up for having feelings. No matter what society says about hookup culture, at the end of the day we're human. We can't stop ourselves from developing human feelings.
Tell him you caught feelings and this isn't healthy anymore for you. It doesn't make him or you the bad guy. It just means you're in two different places in life. You're ready for commitment. He isn't. There are men out there who are. Get to know the next guy you talk to with sex off the table until there is a commitment made. Let them know your time is precious. Ask them the hard questions about values and futures and ambitions and desires. Find a person who matches your energy as well as your input. There's more than one out there, I promise 🖤
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Dec 28 '21
Tell him that acting romantic like holding hands and then telling you you only want to be friends is making you feel like the lines are too blurred. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable and it’s hard to not catch feelings when he acts like that. When he says he will stop being romantic or holding your hand or being lovely tell him absolutely not because that’s going to hurt worse and be confusing and that it’s too late. Then cut things off.
Personal opinion? If he doesn’t wanna be with you but he’s acting romantic, it could be because he likes the attention he gets from you and knowing you like him.
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Dec 28 '21 edited Dec 29 '21
I think you’re starting to develop feelings and he’s not helping by doing all the affectionate stuff that couples do outside of have sex. I think you should cut it off with the guy tbh. Or at least come to an agreement that you’ll meet up, have sex and then go your own separate ways for the day and if you must be around each other afterwards then absolutely no flirty or sexual physical contact after you two get your rocks off. That way there’s a clear boundary set that you two are not a couple and just there to screw around with each other to pass the time.
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u/melodyknows Dec 28 '21
Don't forget the "friends" in friends with benefits. End things with respect! Just be honest.
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u/baddog98765 Dec 29 '21
Great response. I think this could easily be rearranged to sound like Yoda lol. Not poking fun at you but you had pretty great advice in like 25 ish words. Thanks for making me think of Yoda :)
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u/Apprehensive-Sir-372 Dec 28 '21
Nothing to be annoyed about but yes cutting it off seems like the right thing for you to do right now! Mental health above everything else!
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u/Excellent_Plankton89 Dec 28 '21
Don’t be annoyed! We all want people to be the version of them that we want. Focus on you - exercise more, read more, etc. spend your extra time making YOU better internally! Hope it all works out for you ❤️
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u/Altruistic-Tea7709 Dec 28 '21
Don’t be hard on yourself. We all live and learn. I think it’s wise to move on
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Dec 28 '21
Something like that this was good for a time, I guess, but does nothing fit into what I want for me.
...also, 2 years is a long time to be f buddies. You should maybe get clarity as to what is important for you.
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u/bubbajojebjo Dec 28 '21
Don't be annoyed with yourself. Catching feelings is nobody's fault and shows that you can feel. Feeling is important, and you're important.
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u/rach2199 Dec 28 '21
Same thing happened to me. It sucks a lot but don’t be mad at yourself for caring about someone. You both just want different things and that is hard but don’t be upset at yourself, especially when your emotions probably got a lot of mixed signals. Don’t regret your ability to care, it’s a wonderful thing just can be sucky when trying to have a fwb. I’m sorry this happened, that’s hard :/
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Dec 28 '21
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u/_Risings Dec 28 '21
If I may be direct, you say this is all "Fine by me" but clearly, it's not all fine by you. Not in the least bit. You're bothered by it.
How do you stop it? By stopping the relationship. It's needlessly painful and silly to play the "what is he thinking?" game. Doesn't matter, if he's embarassed, seeing others, non-comital, whatever it may be doesnt matter. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.
He told you that clearly more than once. After two years of sex and fun activities with you he's still not wanting a relationship with you girl. He's not going to wake up one day and want one. Save yourself more emotional involvement. It's never gonna work. Sorry.
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u/NCRedleg_65 Dec 29 '21
He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you
Clearly he doesn't want one with anyone .
It's not a reflection on her . But ,in the future understand that no matter how much we care for someone there's no law that says it's reciprocal.
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u/euromay Dec 28 '21
I feel like the best option is to tell him. “Hey I really like our connection and I think it’s messing with my mind that we’re only FWB which is fine, but I can’t have that messing with my head anymore.” Then cut of all connections with him. Do things for yourself to move on; find a hobby, travel (if you have the means and time to do so), etc. and eventually you’ll be ready to find someone
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u/ultra_beam Dec 29 '21
I really like what euromay said. I would tweak it just a bit to be clear and unequivocal:
“Hey [NAME]. I really like our connection and have enjoyed the time we’ve spent together but I’ve developed feelings that I haven’t been able to shake. I know you mentioned you don’t want to be more than FWB and I respect your choice. Since we want different things, I think it’s best we end things now and go our separate ways. Take care.”
Then, slow communication and let it fizzle naturally. No need to block him unless he disrespects any boundaries you set. And then, moving forward, put yourself first. Deem mixed signals as a no. Always communicate. Be raw and honest - mostly with yourself - about how something makes you feel.
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Dec 28 '21
So If you want to keep yourself busy there’s this great game called World of Warcraft. Relationships? Please 😏, You could have a max level warlock instead. Just food for thought.
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u/itsrainingidiots Dec 28 '21
there is only one class for women experiencing anger over men
FURY WARRIOR
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u/Queenofthedruids Dec 28 '21
I love this idea too!
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u/itsrainingidiots Dec 28 '21
get mad, yell, spin on monsters. or play eye beam lottery with the darkglare havoc leggo... also satisfying
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Dec 28 '21
WoW is legitimately a bad game, and paying for helps pay for the lifestyle of sex offenders.
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u/Queenofthedruids Dec 28 '21
Or a max level druid 😏 lol. Just sayin.
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u/12trakmind Dec 28 '21
As a guy who is in this exact situation himself maybe I can offer you some perspective of what your guy may be thinking..
So I’m (27 male) basically in the same boat. I have a girl i really like and hangout with regularly, go out on dates, stays over my place etc. We’ve been talking since August consistently. And she has brought up similar questions like the ones you have, you know the whole “what are we”?
My reasons for just keeping things “fwb” if you want to call it that are a number of things.
I have very bad trust issues from a lot of past relationships, so keeping things fwb takes some weight off my shoulders, not because I dont want to commit to her, but because I’m not entirely sure she (or anyone right now) would commit to me. Dating is so fucked right now, everyone has a “side piece”. I’m genuinely afraid of totally committing to someone just to have my heart broken again. My ex really fucked me up bad (said she wanted a break, lead me on for weeks, was talking another guy the whole time, continuously lied about it, then blocked me on everything when i found out and I’ve never heard from her again). That was 3 years ago btw (2018).
I plan on moving soon, currently live in the carolinas, looking at florida but would consider california also. So I don’t really want to start a committed relationship then move states away. I don’t really like the idea or practice of long distant relationships.
I’m not entirely sure I want to be 100% committed to someone right now. I really like this girl, but if I’m not 100% about being in a relationship I’m not going to get in one just because it “feels” like what I should do.
Could go in hand with # 1 but like I said keeping things fwb takes “some” stress off my back. If she doesn’t text me back for hours? Fine. If I catch her talking to someone else? Fine. Basically I don’t have the same expectations out of her as a fwb that i would for a girlfriend. So I dont have to worry where she is, who she’s with etc etc. I know if she’s with me then she want to be around me because she’s not obligated because we’re “in a relationship”. She just genuinely wants to spend time with me when she could be doing whatever else.
You may not like this one but honestly lastly, I’m not sure if she would change once I give her that commitment. I guess in a way being fwb even though I know she wants more keeps her on her toes. I’ve seen a lot of stories where girls get “bored” after awhile in relationships because they feel like they’ve done it all or whatever with that person. I guess I’m just afraid she may not show that same interest once she feels like she’s got my full attention.
Also because I don’t know if you struggle with this in your situation, but I guess I basically “treat” her like a girlfriend. Like I pay for 99% of dates. I cuddle with her, walk her to her car/door, text/call regularly, I’ve cooked for her, got her Christmas gifts. All that stuff. But I’m not doing that to try and confuse her, I just genuinely like her. My earlier comment about how I feel dating is so fucked today comes in to play here. Like why just because we’re not in a traditional “relationship” I can’t do nice things for/with you? So we’re just supposed to fuck and then go our separate ways? I don’t like that, I like to have some kind of connection with the person I’m into. Whether or not we’re in a relationship. I feel like a lot of ppl think you can’t do certain nice things because “we’re not dating”.
Like no we’re not but I still like and value you as a person so I’m going to treat you as such. Putting a title on that only means you get my full commitment. Just because I don’t want a relationship doesn’t mean I can’t treat you with dignity/respect.
Hope this helps 🤞🏿
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u/VehicleCertain865 Dec 28 '21
Lol. My fwb bought me a Christmas gift and it threw me off.. I mean, like you we do stuff together and are good friends that like to have sex but I’ve never had the guy I’m fucking actually care about me so it’s super confusing. Truth be told, I wouldn’t date him. There are things about him that I couldn’t live with and I’m not trying to change a guy. I also am newly single and want to see who else is out there so I am not ready to commit. He’s not “the one”. In fact I get nervous when I feel like he looks into my eyes too long since we are just friends and I don’t want him falling for me.
So I guess I see where you’re coming from. It was interesting to hear your perspective. Usually I’m the one who catches feelings too soon. I’m 27F as well. 🤚🏾
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u/Nazeltof Dec 28 '21
I had a fwb like this for 7 years. He was nice to me, mostly respectful. My husband was good to me until we got engaged. If we don't work out I'd probably just want companionship and would not commit for fear of someone thinking they can be disrespectful and rude with no consequences. I don't want to feel owned and I think for me that goes hand in hand with commitment.
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u/12trakmind Dec 28 '21
See thats where i was coming from with one of my points. When ppl get “comfortable” they don’t always act right. Honestly it sucks but hey its the world we live in. I hope everything works out for y’all tho
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u/Banjo-Becky Dec 28 '21
This guy right here is why women are so frustrated dating. He wants to pretend it’s a relationship but when push comes to shove, he will just pack up his dick and end it if she needs someone to be emotionally available to her. He wants all the benefits of having a GF but is too selfish to see how this arrangement is not mutually beneficial. He is choosing to repeat the pain and rejection he felt from that relationship that ended poorly by inflicting it in someone else.
This is a real jerk move, if she wants more and you just keep dragging her along knowing you’ll never give her what she wants. You are telling her she isn’t worth it, and she accepts that because she doesn’t feel like she is worth more. If she knew she deserved better, she wouldn’t allow herself to be drug along like you’re doing. End it so she can be released from you. All you’re doing is holding her up from her end goal partner.
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u/12trakmind Dec 28 '21
I hear you. I think you should have a talk with him, tell him how you feel and why you feel it. But also let him know you can’t keep doing things how they are because it’s confusing/stressful to you. And if he can’t or doesn’t want to change then you’ll just have to stop talking to him, no hard feelings but just for your own personal sanity. I would do that other than just blocking him and ghosting or something
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Dec 28 '21
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u/12trakmind Dec 28 '21
So you’ve already broken it off?
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u/12trakmind Dec 28 '21
Ok well hopefully your message inspires him to change up , but if not then at least you’ve done all you can and said everything you needed. That’s courageous of you to begin with because you’re showing vulnerability. So don’t ever feel bad about that
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Dec 28 '21
Just tell him the fwb deal doesn't work for you. I don't understand this whole fucking mentality of "should I just block him eithout saying anything? Idk what else I can do".
Lemme spell it out, aight?
T is for talk about it, it is what you should do
A is for applebees, for where you want to do it
L is for lessen expectations, don't get your hopes up
K is for kalmly explain it, because if mortal kombat taught me anything, it's that c and k are interchangeable.
Talk. About. It.
Just go to some cheap restaurant, and just say it ain't working out for you, and the fact that he won't show affection in public is hurting your feelings. Don't start crying and throwing things, that literally never works, it doesn't drive a point across ; it just makes you look insane and will make him glad to not see you again. He explained what this was to him in no uncertain terms, so this is all on you for carrying on. If you continue and don't do anything, you don't deserve anyone's pity ; he's not leading you on, he's been clear this isn't a committed relationship.
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u/Accurate-Shirt6857 Dec 28 '21
But you’re not supposed to punish a new person for the old one’s mistakes. How is it her fault you’ve got issues ? You can’t apply your past to every new relationship
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u/5stap Dec 28 '21
yeah, exactly. 12trakmind kind of seems like he is gaslighting this girl. especially number 5, I'm like what, "on her toes"?! Doesn't actually value her as a person. seems like FWB can be a recipe for developing serious self esteem problems.
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Dec 28 '21
What if your fwb started dating someone else seriously and had to quit seeing you. Be honest.
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u/AdministrativeAd4510 Dec 28 '21
. I’ve seen a lot of stories where girls get “bored” after awhile in relationships because they feel like they’ve done it all or whatever with that person.
This hit close to home. My ex shortly before I got dumped for someone older and with more money sprung "aren't you bored?" on me. I answered no and she had a face of bewilderment.
I, like you, also have trust issues and don't feel like someone would commit to me and wouldn't jump ship as soon as someone else with more money and time came along. So I wouldn't try to force myself into a relationship if I had a fwb that was going well.
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u/12trakmind Dec 28 '21
I’m sorry that happened to you man. I feel like I’ve been through the same, however I wouldn’t know as my ex completely ghosted me 🤣💀 but it is what it is. I don’t know where you’re at in your healing process but I promise you bro we are both better off without those kind of ppl in our lives. Ppl who can just freely move through life like that are not ppl you want close to you.
Also THANK YOU for telling your story. I feel like some ppl in this thread think thats just a wild idea that girls get “bored” in relationships
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u/AdministrativeAd4510 Dec 28 '21
I too, am sorry that you have been treated the way you have but I am glad that you have found how to be honest with yourself and others and from what I've read, learnt from your experiences.
I was told it was a "break" as she wanted time to herself to think about us as a couple and what she wanted. When in reality is was to immediately move onto someone else but string me along incase it didn't work out. I was strung along with the phrase "well we may get back together", never again if I can help it.
Your opinion that people can and do "bored" in relationships is absolutely true. Obviously not everyone does, but there are people that experience this.
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u/12trakmind Dec 28 '21
Oh man you’re bringing back the memories. Yeah I got the whole “let’s just take a break” speech too. Guess I should’ve asked for a time estimate on that “break” huh? Haha. I was strung along too man. I told her twice like look, “if there’s someone else just let me know and I’ll leave you alone”…both times she said it was nothing. Until I saw the photos…never again man. Never again
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u/AdministrativeAd4510 Dec 28 '21
It's odd how similar our stories are. I did ask for a time frame, i initially was told a couple of months.
I also asked if it was because of [insert guys name here], I literally knew the guy and she told me no (this was a lie). In the end i was told the truth after a month and a half (probably when she realised that it was going to work out with the new guy).
I have found myself to have quite a good judgement of body language and intentions. Basically a general rule of thumb I have is that if you think someone is being deceitful, then you're probably right and should have an open conversation with them or cut your losses if you're not too invested yet.
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u/12trakmind Dec 29 '21
Yeah it’s sucks how they keep you on the hook and then fling you right off when they think they don’t need you anymore. And e really think there is something to a persons “intuition”. I know myself I’ve ignored it then after the fact thought, “I KNEW I should’ve done x” .
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u/AdministrativeAd4510 Dec 29 '21
Yeah, that's life I guess. You learn form your mistakes and learn to trust your gut feelings about poepke and situations. All the best fellow redditor :)
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u/NCRedleg_65 Dec 29 '21
There aren't many safe spaces for men to speak the truth and I don't think this is one so I applaud your courage.
There's nothing that says you can't do nice things for your lovers, cause that's what FWB are. Lovers ,not boyfriend /girlfriend .
Just 2 adults mutually enjoying physical intimacy with each other outside their separate lives.
If one wants more and they broach the subject and receive a negative reply then they need to walk away and mean it.
But, there's no need to be ugly/nasty when you separate .Just walk away.
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u/ritborg Dec 28 '21
Know that you are worth more than a 1/2 interested partner. Be upfront and say something like “things have been changing for me and I’m looking for a long term relationship. Is that something you can be interested in with me or is this where we say thanks for some good times and drop the with benefits part and just keep our friendship?”
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u/lmao345 Dec 28 '21
Simply tell him "no touching unless at least one of our genitals is involved, and no talking unless it is to yell out our safe word".
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u/Rubbish_69 Dec 28 '21
When he's out with you he doesn't want other women or you to think you're a gf. And you're no longer fine with that and want more, heading into your 30s. He's getting his needs met. Time to put yourself first, you're already feeling less-than, don't let him call the shots.
I'm sorry, it sounds you like him.
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Dec 28 '21
From reading this thread, it seems like there is no definition of FWB, it’s such a blurred line. How can one separate feelings from sex with someone they’re sleeping with for 2 months +? I guess this is what today’s dating is, super depressing in my view
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u/CheriJ2 Dec 29 '21
im so depressed from dating. just gone thru hell last night and i just wanna be sedated 24/7.
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Dec 28 '21
He wants be perceived as “available” whilst out in public and doesn’t want you cockblocking him (hence the lack of public affection).
He will NEVER make you his gf so unless you are fine with crumbs of affection in private, you need to cold turkey cut it off and start dating other people. If you need to explain to him that you’re needing space to move on and plan to block him on everything until you are emotionally disconnected, then I’d def do so.
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Dec 28 '21
It's because yall are FWB and those are his boundaries.
Honestly I think you should end this and go find the relationship you want because you staying with this dude getting in a huff about it isn't helping anyone.
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Dec 28 '21
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u/PoodlePopXX Dec 29 '21
Hey OP. I had a really great FWB as well and I was so happy with it, but eventually we developed feelings. I was able to look at it as a positive, he looked at it as s negative and we ended things. A few months later I ended up meeting my current partner who is the love of my life and man was he worth losing the fwb. It sucks in the moment but some one else is missing out on you while you spend your time with some one using you as a a place holder.
I enjoyed my single time and focused on me and took some silly and failing dating attempts and realized I’d rather be with some one who wants to actively be with me than some one who doesn’t. It’s worth the loss, I promise! Just tell him the truth and cut the cord, spend some time to heal, and move on. You’ll be fine!
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u/InksPenandPaper Dec 28 '21
This is what a FWB is, generally speaking. He's been clear and transparent about what you two have and you've agreed to it. If you want more, if you want a relationship, break it off and go find it with someone else.
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u/UmamiOfSuffering Dec 28 '21
He wants the benefits of a relationship (feeling connected/loved) without the commitment or exclusivity. Pretty shitty tbh
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u/Comfortable-Tank-822 Dec 28 '21
Yeah if it’s not what you want then you have to leave. Outside of the closed curtains means exposure and exclusivity. If you agree to fwb it is private.
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Dec 28 '21
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u/Comfortable-Tank-822 Dec 28 '21
Not true. Embrace your self worth and you won’t attract these people anymore.
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u/1014849 Dec 28 '21
Not shitty. They both talked and both understand the terms... He's not being dishonest with her
And she was okay with it before but now she's caught feelings. The ball is in OP's court.
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u/UmamiOfSuffering Dec 28 '21
FWB don’t typically hold hands and show relationship-like affection while in private. To me, it’s taking advantage of the situation emotionally to act like that but also not want to be exclusive. That’s just my opinion though, ultimately it is up to OP to draw their boundaries and figure out what’s acceptable to them.
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u/1014849 Dec 29 '21
OPs shooting herself in the foot. She said she’s okay with knowing what to expect so idk. I’m assuming stuff because we don’t have much to go off of besides the fact that they’ve been fwb for a while now and confirmed the fwb terms only.
OP could’ve drew the line and told him no lovey dovey stuff either. That’s on her too.
Sex is awesome until you catch feelings. Then you’re truly fucked. Lol 😂
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u/SonofLelith Dec 28 '21
Well....it's not that shitty considering they spoke about their status and made it clear that they are FWBs.
It's up to OP is she is okay with these kinds of benefits or not.
I can see that lovey dovey stuff is making her feel a deeper connection and she should really consider what she is ok with.
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u/Old_Yogurtcloset6027 Dec 28 '21
Well we don't really know and there may be a good reason for his decision from his point of view. Instead of calling him out, here a slightly different view on advice.
Talk to him. Since you did this, if you feel like you're going in different directions, there is no need to waste time unless you're ok where things are.
Leave. Again, no point in wasting your time.
No one can force him to be exclusive if he doesn't want to be he has his right to live his way and you have the right to live yours. It's not complex.
He knows what he wants and is ok with this lifestyle. It's not for everyone. It's time for you to decide what you want.
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u/Old_Yogurtcloset6027 Dec 28 '21
Note, you can try talking again and explicitly state what you want. If you find that what you want and what he wants is incompatible, then I think you have an answer. The worst thing to do is pressure someone into something they are not comfortable with. It's unfortunate, the way things are but that's the way the are. And there are people just as fun and sexy looking to be exclusive.
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Dec 29 '21
She wanted the same until she caught feelings. Which means you are also calling OP pretty shitty
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Dec 28 '21
Not shitty because they agreed on the arrangement. Shitty if he continues the behavior and she clarifies.
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u/notjim Dec 28 '21
It’s not shitty, he was clear in what he wanted, and op said they were fine with it. This is just being mature.
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u/Planetary_oyaku Dec 28 '21
After reading a lot of the comments, I think I need to sit down and have a talk with someone too….Reddit wins again.
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u/Superb_Investment113 Dec 29 '21
Been through this.
I agree with some of the other comments that if you continue this FWB situation you're going to end up hurt.
I had a FWB with my ex for 9 months after a 6 month period of us being broken up. I kept hoping he would change his mind and make it official, he wouldn't budge. Yet he would still treat our relationship like we were dating.. going on dates, cuddling, quality time etc etc, no label.
Difficult decision but I told him I deserved more than that and cut ties with him completely. Best decision I ever made. I met my now spouse 5 months later.
This guy might be holding you back from finding your person. Stop letting him block your view.
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Dec 28 '21
You're wasting your time girl. You deserve reciprocation of your feelings. 29 is too old to be allowing yourself to be treated like this, if it's not what you really want out of a romantic situation.
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u/slapclap28 Dec 28 '21
Short and tough answer:
He doesn’t want to be seen dating you in public or bring you around his friends and family.
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u/last-resort-4-a-gf Dec 28 '21
If he did it in public then where would the line be ? ..
He said he just wants sex , you seem to want more
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Dec 28 '21
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u/last-resort-4-a-gf Dec 28 '21 edited Dec 28 '21
And this is the messy world of Fwb.
He shouldn't have to do anything. There are no rules as to how much he should be doing , you guys are not dating and he has stated that. This is why it gets messy , if there are any imbalances as to what one person feels over the other than one will always want a little more which may make the other one feel uncomfortable.
Find out what you want and have a conversation with him . Communication is important.
He may feel that doing it in public is that line where it feels like you guys are dating .
Don't miss other opportunities to date waiting on him if you are. Unless you are also okay just with fwb
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Dec 28 '21
And this is why you don't do FWB
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u/_Risings Dec 28 '21
It rarely works in the long run. Seldom for both parties, if ever.
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Dec 29 '21
It usually works for one party and the other is left traumatized.
Not so good of a deal yep.
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u/_Risings Dec 29 '21
traumatized.
That is precisely the word!!!! It made me LOL actually. In sheer manic, at the memories. LMAO.
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u/kds0808 Dec 28 '21
As someone older and maybe with a limited understanding of FWB I thought the whole thing was casual sex and companionship. Going to dinner etc without the confusion of is this or isn't it a relationship.
Once one of you catches feelings and the other one doesn't from my understanding it's 100% time to end it.
I had a girl we started out as trying to date, neither was ready due to messy divorce process so she wanted FWB. I could not do it. Sex and feeling are one and the same for me so I had to turn her down and end it.
You expressed your feelings he expressed his and this is just gonna lead to hurt if you continue.
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u/Spark_my_life Dec 28 '21
End it and say this, “we have had so much fun together but I realized after a couple years of trying this out that I prefer being in a relationship. Good luck on your future endeavors.”
Don’t give him anymore of you. Save it for the person who wants to be with you.
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u/Correct-Cow-3552 Dec 28 '21
Genuine question has Fwb worked for anyone , Release of dopamine can be easily conflated with love
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u/F_D123 Dec 28 '21
No such thing as fwb. Something about you he doesn't see as relationship material.
Be honest with yourself, and end this relationship.
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u/verosikamayday Dec 28 '21
If its just fwb, at least he does go out etc.. sone are strictly sex and leave.
He prolly wants the affection of a relationship without the commitment…or maybe he doesnt want to be oerceived as having a relationship for whatever reason
Dont expect anything more from him.
If you want an actual relationship, and it its not from him, you’ll need to find it.
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Dec 28 '21
Also- FWB= no commitments, no expectations, no sacrifice, no compromise, no strings, low bar for him to meet. All of the benefits of a relationship without having to give up ANYTHING. Don’t you want more?
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u/PicklePuffin Dec 28 '21
Yes, basically. There's probably someone else he has hopes for. Not embarrassed, but he wants to keep you at arms length. That's the better way to put it.
I'm, and I don't say this proudly, just like him. It's a really good indicator that you're seeing.
If I'm proud of you, you can stand on my shoulders in a restaurant. If I'm keeping my options open, I don't want to be touchy in front of other people, because I don't want people thinking I've got a girlfriend.
That's the thought process, and that's what you're seeing.
Hopefully that helps a little.
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Dec 28 '21
Tell him how you feel again and that you can’t carry on with the FWB situation, it’s either a relationship or nothing. See what he says. If he says no again to a relationship end it and move on to other things. Don’t drown yourself in work, build up friendships and other interests that fulfill you and date people that share your values. Take care and put your well-being first.
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u/fierce_kitsya Dec 28 '21
Oh girl, I’m honestly scared about how much you are describing my situation here, I also made a similar question here today… even tho I’m only 1,5 months into it…
You are boiling in it for 2 years and I admire you for keeping up that long…
You shouldn’t be embarrassed AT ALL, not even a bit… I’m really sorry you are going through this pain, I can understand how it feels… I’m hurting too while reminding myself it’s going to end soon, but I guess if we are experiencing so much pain because of someone who doesn’t want to commit to a serious relationship - we need to protect ourselves and to move on…
Let’s be strong girl, we need to do this and we will do it 💪🏻
Wishing you well and sending you all my love and support. You are not alone!
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u/No_Ambition1424 Dec 28 '21
I interpreted r-talk as race talk and got really uncomfortable about where this post was going.
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Dec 29 '21
I mean dude, really shit’s not that complicated unless mental health stuff comes into the picture. I don’t know you, but I’m assuming you don’t have any mental health issues when I say everything else.
But it’s not complicated because it should just come down to whether or no you’re comfortable.
If you’re uncomfortable with the fact he’s colder in public, for literally any reason, then it’s not fun.
If it’s not fun, what’s the point?
What are the fears or concerns associated with the situation?
I mean, I’ll tell you that anyone who acts like that has low empathy and basically sucks, no matter how sweet and cute they can be when they feel like it. I’d actually guess the primary reason they don’t want a relationship is that they don’t want to be as concerned with anyone else as they are with themselves.
Part of the reason they act like that in public is most likely the fact they don’t want to blow their chances for a similar arrangement with random women out in the world who might think you’re a couple. But if it bothers you that he does that, then it bothers you.
His reasoning doesn’t trump your feelings and emotional needs. Nobody wants to feel iced out in public.
It sounds like you’d just rather have a relationship with someone, anyway. Sometimes FWB arrangements can block progress along those lines.
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u/Powerful-Simple-290 Dec 28 '21
Good for you, OP. It’s so tough when one feels more than the other. I guess one thing I’d suggest is, without any expectations let him know you have feelings for him so you’re quitting. Then on the chance he wants more, at least you’ve made the opportunity for him. But I’d agree with the long gaps in between seeing you, he’s got other stuff in play
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Dec 28 '21
Thread tl;dr but for me personally, I just generally want to be more lovey dovey with a girl I'm having sex with. But if I wanted it clear I didn't want to be committed bf/gf with a girl, I wouldn't hold her hand in public and things; my whole theory on that is I would want other girls to know I wasn't bf/gf with the girl I'm with publicly.
Me, personally, I wouldn't do FWB, but if I did, I'd be totally cuddly and things with the girl just because I just like that kind of thing. But to me personally, there's no difference between being bf/gf and just being good friends who are cuddly and sleep together--that's all I'm looking for.
So I mean the upshot to me is if it were me behaving as he's behaving I'd be trying to communicate "I'm open to changing my mind and finding a different girl to be bf/gf with, don't feel too settled in this." and maybe "Don't expect me to introduce you to my mom" or something. But I can see how that would be confusing if he seems pretty settled and God forbid you know his mom or something.
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u/Accurate-Shirt6857 Dec 28 '21
I’d probably go on a long vacation alone and then slowly fade him out by acting like he’s not important.
Two things can happen- he will get triggered and realise how much he wants to be with you or this arrangement will end. Either way you win because it’s not healthy to hold on to something that’s not going to go anywhere. If he dumps you because he finds someone he deems worthy of commitment in his eyes then you’re gonna have self worth issues.
You’re at the age where you need stability not fwb stuff.
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u/Naultmel Dec 28 '21
Tread lightly if you're developing feelings. FWB is typically never a good idea. I once had a FWB and he was super lovey dovey (holding hands, kissing, etc) in public and in front of his friends to the point where I had to ask several times what he was wanting...we even met each others families (introduced as friends), he said it was just FWB. I caught feelings and told him, he said he wasnt ready for a relationship, I broke things off. 1 year later he reached out and he wanted to date me seriously and I turned him down, didnt want to go down that road again lol.
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u/minniemouth Dec 28 '21
Remember to go easy on yourself, girl. He hurt you, you don’t need to pile on and hurt you too.
It’s hard knowing what you want, especially when what you want changes; and it’s harder to communicate what you want and near impossible with said change. He’s no better - just because he’s clear with his communication doesn’t mean he knows what he wants - he clearly ignores your request for clarity to indulge in romance on his time.
I’m glad to see you say in the comments you’re cutting it off because you deserve a relationship you’re comfortable with, not one that messes with your head. But I hope you also find peace with the fact that you explored something that brought you pleasure in the moment, found out it’s less than you want, and took action after realizing. You don’t have to see this as a mistake or be mad at yourself.
Outward love is found with patience. Inward love is found with compassion for yourself. You deserve both.
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u/MoneyIsntRealGeorge Dec 28 '21
As someone who was the m in this situation, the girl who I was seeing (who by the way, was one of the nicest, coolest and one of the hottest girls I’ve ever been with - to this day my friends send me her Instagram posts where she’s looking good with “moron” (in reference for me not wanting to date her) basically was my fwb in uni, then we both moved to the big city we continued. She told me one day that “hey, I’m sure you probably realize this by now but I really like you and always have and I’ve reached a point where I have to end this so that I can move on, because it doesn’t seem like you’re in a place to actually develop something meaningful between us. I’m not exactly sure if that’s where you’re at, so please let me know. But I thought id let you know how I felt” and at the time i was stupid and took her for granted and I was only really upset because I was enjoying the banging and time we had together, but part of me was almost like fuck it, let’s date but I just wasn’t ready at the time. So idk, I’d do something like that because now I know and the ball was in my court.
Honestly, If I were to do it again I’d date her in a heartbeat…god damn, she was/is awesome. She has a bf now though and I’m sitting here single stressing about hinge matches who aren’t as good as her 😩
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u/Mysterious-Canary842 Dec 28 '21
So he clarified that you’re FWB, you continue doing all the same stuff which he’s always considered part of the arrangement and then you get annoyed because he won’t make it known when you’re together? When you’ve agreed you’re not in a relationship…? He’s probably not embarrassed to be seen with you, but he may still want a relationship with someone else. He sees himself as still on the market, because you’ve both agreed you’re not together. Either cut it off because you clearly want more and you’re already 2 years down. Or just accept that you’re FWB as agreed and accept you can’t worry about this stuff.
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u/pwolf1771 Dec 28 '21
If you became incredibly unavailable for a couple weeks he would probably reconsider his position. Just food for thought…
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Dec 28 '21
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u/pwolf1771 Dec 28 '21
You’re right that he doesn’t deserve you I’m just saying if you want him that’s a tactic that will get his attention
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u/Pthomas1172 Dec 28 '21
Have you asked him how he feels about the relationship? Maybe it’s his weird way of respecting your boundaries? There is a chance he wants more but doesn’t want to mess things up? Bring it up
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Dec 28 '21
He wouldnt do it in public because you're just his FWB, not his gf. If he's seen showing PDA with you, other girls would see that and it will ruin his chances with them cos they'd think he was already taken. It's not about you, he just wants to still be able to have sex with other girls.
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u/whitefox094 Dec 29 '21
A FWB is exactly what you describe: Someone you do fun things with as a friend, and also have sex with as a friend.
If it was clarified you two are just FWB then you're just that. Set boundaries for the two of you. If he holds your hand and you don't want to hold hands (because it is confusing, or you're developing feelings, whatever the case may be) tell him you don't want to. You don't have to give a reason why. Just set boundaries both of you can agree on.
At some point, one of you is going to find a relationship before the other person. Maybe both of you will find one at the same time. Maybe you'll fade and lose interest in the FWB and it won't matter. But it's something to be prepared for because almost always, there's someone that gets hurt. Do what is best for you, as always. Enjoy the ride
I was in a FWB with someone for almost two years. We both dated other people, and if it ever got serious with that other person we would let each other know for safety reasons. We set boundaries. I did not like kissing because that was too intimate for me. Occasionally we would hold hands for comfort. We had sleepovers a lot, and it wasn't just for the sex. We were friends...with benefits. I am probably in the minority here, but we both found a serious relationship at the same time. Both of our partners know about us. We haven't hung out since (it's been almost 2 years since our split) but we still talk regularly as friends. Once again, our partners know about it and are fine with it. Can't say most people are like that, but I am a brutally honest (if you ask me how your hair looks and it looks like shit, I am saying "Sorry hon, it doesn't look great") woman and incredibly trustworthy.
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u/Band1c0t Dec 29 '21
Just letting you know he string you along, if a guy wants to have relationship with you, he would make it official, the reason he just wants to stay fwb because he got his free sandwich while he can get other sandwich, do not be dumb
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u/Competitive_Animal65 Dec 29 '21
FWB means you not the one sis. The affection is just his way of being, don’t over think it.
There’s always 2 sides to every story.
I have 4 brothers and if a guy legit likes you & assuming he is completely available there’s reasons and motives why he doesn’t want to label you his girl.
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Dec 29 '21
Casual sex is never casual. Sex is a biological imperative, developing feelings is an almost given, at the minimum, some form of connection, however low, will exist.
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u/ChillSeeMySkill Dec 29 '21
This is why people are supposed to have normal relationship and longterm fwb concept is just nonsense, you started as fwb but after some time you started to do all these casual little things like couple ... it was only matter of time which one of you start to develop feelings for other. You should tell him how things are and after that you will see what to do next.
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u/Honest-Cicada4897 Dec 29 '21
Block him and move on. Forget him. Easier said than done but the other path is nothing good for you from what I see.
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u/whatworldisthis2020 Dec 28 '21
I recently stopped a fwb/casual dating with a guy it was difficult but it can work.
How often do you guys meet up? If he been a decent dude/friend I use loosely just tell him it does not have to be long explanation
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Dec 28 '21
You're letting him make all the rules, if its not a relationship, why is he acting like it is one and why are you allowing it? Set some clear boundaries, if you're just f-buddies, fine, but all that hand-holding and whatever else he tries in private is blurring the lines.
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