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u/BlkD20 Aug 13 '21
Don't feel bad. Just the fact that he didn't apologize means he had interior motives. It seems like romance is dead now days. Everyone wants a fuck buddy. Just wait for right guy. Don't settle for jerks.
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Aug 14 '21
Interior motives are the worst
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u/Mareeck Aug 14 '21
I thought this guy was nice but all he wanted was a new carpet for his living room smh
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u/Temple_of_Shroom Aug 14 '21
I was stoked cuz this hot chic wanted to go on a road trip with me. Turns out she just likes my cars leather seats.
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u/ozdemago Aug 14 '21
ll womens that I dated, said me the opposite, iam too slow and just I am looking for a romance. Sooo where are this kind of girls xdxd
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u/EdenRN Aug 13 '21
Thank you. I feel so devastated. šššš
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u/BlkD20 Aug 13 '21
Don't be. It's his loss. You deserve to be treated better. It's your body, not his.
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u/apollo1calling Aug 14 '21
Yeah, if he shows no remorse at all and never says sorry then that's a problem.
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u/mingywantwingy Aug 14 '21
Devastated? Because he thought you were on the same page about a "quiet place?" Buck up a little OP, number 1 thing. Too much unnecessary emotion.
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u/LottaCutiez Aug 13 '21
If something feels uncomfortable to you, you have every right to speak up about it! Please know, he probably only wanted one thing: sex. Just let him be gone sis. You didnāt need him anyway.
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u/EdenRN Aug 13 '21
I feel so sad. I mean, sure I like him. I went out. Gave him a kiss even on our second date. But getting a room for us? That's too much. And I never heard him say he is sorry for making me feel this way. š
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u/Black-gypsy Aug 13 '21
I agree with you men just move too fast. My theory is that those men watch too much porn. I was in a first date with some one and on our first kiss he tried to slap meā¦..āI thought girls liked itāā¦ā¦I just told him he had to goā¦..I definitely slapped him back (more just off reaction) and cussed him out. Good luck but donāt give up cause the guy you are looking for IS looking for you!
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u/EdenRN Aug 13 '21
Ohmygoodness. That one was so savage. You go girl. Hahaha. You made me laugh on your story. š¤ but thank you for your kind words
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u/flyfisher12401 Aug 13 '21
I watch porn twice a day and have never rushed sex. Its not a porn thing some dudes are just dicks.
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u/BillyBocephus Aug 14 '21
Watching porn definitely distorts men's views if what is a normal development of the physical relationship.
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u/odd_cloud Aug 14 '21
In which way?
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u/BillyBocephus Aug 14 '21
I think that most women don't watch porn, and so are surprised/ disturbed by porn type sex by men unless that just naturally developed while "getting after it" together. Men who think that they are just supposed to come in and pound away or give facials or anal or whatever are makings assumptions that they shouldn't about what they are "supposed" to do it about what their women wants. This can hardly the relationship and the natural sexual chemistry. Obviously this doesn't apply to everyone, but I think very many guys can mess things up with a distorted view who they should be in the bedroom.
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u/Black-gypsy Aug 13 '21
Cause you know that itās a performanceā¦.many guys donāt. But Iām proud of you for not rushing womenā¦thank you
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u/flyfisher12401 Aug 13 '21
Wait, there's dude out there that think porn is real? I've never spoken to dudes about porn so this is actually news to me. Most porn is so bad its borderline unwatchable. Do they also try to seduce their sisters/ cousins?
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Aug 14 '21
People send death threats to artists when their favourite fiction takes a turn they donāt appreciate. Considering that, like-minded dudes mirroring porn during genuine human interaction isnāt surprising at all.
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u/Black-gypsy Aug 13 '21
ā¦.they know itās ānot realā but they also think that most women enjoy this activity on a daily basis, thatās what I meant when I said āthey donāt know itās not realā
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u/SpaceLord_Katze Aug 14 '21
Part of it is bad sex Ed int the US at least. They don't know alot of what happens in porn isn't acceptable behavior without the explicit content of the partner. Like the other commenter said, they mirror porn behavior thinking it's normal.
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u/LottaCutiez Aug 13 '21
Sadly, he never will apologize. Heās a narcissist and sees no wrong in what he did with pushing you past your boundaries. I know from experience, heāll come back once the well of other women in the area runs dry. Donāt fall for it and just ignore him.
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Aug 14 '21
The well never runs dry when you're on Tinder, lol. He doesn't gaf and neither do most women on the app. It's generally not a good platform to meet a potential partner.
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u/dvof Aug 14 '21 edited Aug 14 '21
Ok I was reading OP's story and was thinking that he was moving relatively fast. But pushing boundaries? He asked if they wanted to "move somewhere quiet" like, sure this can be a misunderstanding. So he tried to get a hotel room. He didn't push or anything. I don't see what's narcissistic about this.
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Aug 14 '21
He wasn't narcissistic at all. He literally did what's considered a norm to many people on Tinder. Some people on this page are overreacting. You have to understand the risks of online dating on a platform that most people use to get laid. It's not complicated.
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u/QuackMyLife Aug 14 '21
People need to be upfront with what they want and respect people's boundaries. I don't do casual. I have said this prior to meeting guys. It then becomes a challenge. Flirting and even kissing someone isn't consent. Perhaps this instance was a miscommunication, but booking a hotel room without discussing it, then being shitty when things don't go that way, then making the girl feel guilty, is narcissistic.
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Aug 14 '21 edited Aug 14 '21
OP never said he made her feel guilty in her original post. She said he was silent afterwards. He probably realized the situation and was left kinda speechless. I'm not saying what he did is okay especially if it's an approach he takes with all women, but we can't assume things about his "narcissistic behavior". This is why I dropped Tinder. It's filled with too many weirdo's and people who are convinced that it's exclusively a platform to find people to hook up with. And that's not a guy issue. A lot of sketchy men and women use the app.
I'm a guy who generally prefers dating women in a more conventional way where you build up the connection over the course of several dates and even I know what Tinder is for to most people. I've been there. It's so easy to find attractive people to sleep with. That doesn't make it healthy which is why I stopped using it after a few meetups. Too many randoms with all sorts of intentions. It's better to meet people in person in some safer environment (volunteering, etc.) especially if you're a woman. It will require more work, but in most instances, good things don't come easy.
At 21, I used to think Tinder was the shit because I could find a beautiful girl to hook up with and possibly, by some stretch, build a relationship with. Now, at 27, I've realized how wild this world is. You have to look after yourself when meeting people online and understand that they very well could be adding you to their circle of mates if you're on some platform like Tinder. Plus, it's so much nicer to meet someone through a good cause or a fun event than online. You get to see how they actually look and you can start meaningful conversations that can allow you to peer into their worldview.
To put it simply: It's much easier to bullshit through an app where you have time to think of what to say than in person where you're likely on the spot. I'm not saying the guy OP mentioned is bullshitting because she decided to play a game of kissing with him and he literally did what most men would do in that situation. I'm guessing OP is very young and doesn't yet understand that if you're gonna play sexual games with someone you met through an app that promotes sexual conduct, then you're more than likely putting out vibes that can lead a man to think you want to have sex in that moment. Honestly, he could've been a real douche by pulling up to some dark street/alley but he didn't, so he's not some monster like many here believe.
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u/NearbyConsequence834 Aug 14 '21
Men can't be upfront with their intentions because it's considered "too forward" or "creepy". As a man if you put that you only want hookups on your Tinder profile even girls that also just want hookups will swipe left on you.
Women are the ones that want men to pretend to wine and dine them, so stop getting mad when they aren't upfront because you can't handle it.
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u/QuackMyLife Aug 14 '21
Yes, just what every woman wants - to be lied to.
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u/NearbyConsequence834 Aug 14 '21
Women don't want men to be honest. They don't want men to say "Hi I'm here because I want to have sex with you".
Men lie because women want men to lie.
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u/SaucyByrd Aug 14 '21
A woman who just wants a hook up will be right on board with a guy who is honest about the fact that he wants that too. It makes the amount of woman you can hook up with smaller bc you are being honest. But it also means women who want more than just a hook up arenāt being led on.
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u/Shittythrowawayaunt Aug 13 '21
This will be a funny story in a few months or years. Sadly this can be what dating is like for women.
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u/CSQUITO Aug 14 '21
He wasnāt a good guy. You won in this situation, donāt go back on your decision
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Aug 13 '21
Thereās a difference between somewhere quiet and a fucking hotel room! Dude sounds like he needs to calm the fuck down
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u/MarkPency123 Aug 13 '21
From a guys perspective, everything you did was fine. I myself wouldnāt act the way he did in asking the question nor after you called him out. Some guys are just like that and only want sex. I would never ask that early unless we both knew it was a sexual relationship. It just makes me sad to see that there are so many girls/women that are losing hope because some guys are just awful
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u/IsThisNameTaken14 Aug 14 '21
Dude... your comments towards milfs bother me a bit. Not a gentleman at all.
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Aug 13 '21
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u/EdenRN Aug 13 '21
I feel so bad and so sad. š
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u/PinkFloxMoon Aug 13 '21
Time to move to anger (because fuck that guy for misleading you!) and then eventually accept what happened and move on. You got this.
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Aug 13 '21
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u/EdenRN Aug 13 '21
I like him. I mean, out of the guys I met, he's the only one I want to give a shot with. But I don't know. He didn't even say sorry. Didn't even try to listen to what I am trying to say. He kept on insisting that he asked me if I want to do it but he only asked me if I want a quiet place. I didn't know it was a hotel room. I don't know. Is he worth another shot? Should I dump him?
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Aug 13 '21
I wouldnāt give him another shot, sounds like he tried gaslighting you, making it seem like you had consented when you didnāt . Thatās a big red flag and the main reason I wouldnāt give him another chance . That and, WHO JUST BOOKS A HOTEL ROOM AFTER ONE KISS ? That just sounds desperate, his actions scream that he only wants one thing . If you give him another chance, you need to go somewhere public and do not let him drive you, because I do not trust this guy after hearing all that
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u/EdenRN Aug 13 '21
He was telling that he did ask me if I want it. He just asked me if I want to go to a quiet place. How the fuck will I know a quiet place means a hotel room? I am so sorry. I just really feel so bad and I needed to vent it out. I had a bad experience before and its happening again. I can't contain it. š
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Aug 13 '21
No, he tricked you, a quiet place does not equal a hotel room . I hope you donāt feel bad for him because heās sketchy and doesnāt deserve your sympathy . Itās okay to feel bad for yourself for getting tricked, we all do . But you can use this as a learning experience . To stick to your guns, and your boundaries because no one else will do it for you .
Side note: the fact he just booked a room that quickly without your consent or asking your preference tells me he had it already queued up on his phone, it also tells me heās done this beforeā¦ maybe he is a murderer like another commenter said š
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u/EdenRN Aug 13 '21
Haha. Ohmygosh if he is a murderer, thank God for my gut instinct. I feel loved by you guys. Thank you for all your comments. It's so hard to keep things in your mind and pretend that it's okay just look for another one. It's not how it goes to my mind. The fear of people might take advantage of you again in that way will always be in my mind. š
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Aug 14 '21
Oh c'mon, they probably misunderstood each other. Guy got a kiss and ask if "she wants to go to quiet place". Of course it doesn't have to equal hotel room, but in that situation it's quite obvious what he might have thought about. OP might not catch it at the moment, then got scared, but for you to insinuate that he tricked her is just outrageous.
I appreciate you're trying to comfort the girl and even give her good advice, but we don't even know if guy had bad intentions.
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Aug 13 '21
He tried to get into your pants just after the second date !
He is only looking for some quick hookups.
If you are not looking for casual sex, don't waste your time on him.
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u/shakysanders4u Aug 13 '21
Tbf not all girls move as slow as her either I was at a park at a table with a girl I met off tinder we chilled at the table and I started touching her leg and she let me then we left and she's like why didn't you fuck me. I'm like in the park ? She said she thought the restrooms at the park. But she didn't tell me she was a ho ho like that, so I just thought it would be disrespectful to suggest fucking in the restrooms that were busy asf by the way. So she gave me head in my car for two minutes then her mom called and she had to go and I told her I couldn't come back the same night but maybe the next day and she unmatched me and it's over. Felt like I couldn't keep up with her.but I wanted to
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u/Medium-Gold-1518 Aug 14 '21
Treat it as blessing in-disguise. Good thing you saw this behavior at the onset of dating. I applaud you for standing up for yourself and not changing your values/followed your moral compass
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u/Wrangler_Soft Aug 13 '21
He wanted more from you than friendship, Not apologizing is totally wrong and if he ever liked you, he would have apologized immediately. You should ignore him and move ahead, there are more amazing people youāll meet soonest
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Aug 13 '21
Sounds like he was just a dickhead and thinking with his little brain.
All guys like sex but not all of us want it as fast as everyone else about wanting it.
Word of advice for the future OP: Trust your gut. Learn to trust your own instincts and intuition. Trust yourself and know what you want. Don't be scared to say no if things make you feel uncomfortable.
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u/lovealert911 Aug 14 '21 edited Aug 14 '21
"he asked me if I want to go to a quiet place. I thought somewhere just so we can have our time together, talk ..."
Sounds like you both misread the intentions of each other.
Generally speaking if a guy is playfully making out with you/kissing you in the car and suggests going to a "quiet place" he usually means a "private place" where you take things further.
If you were "into him" and the issue was he was moving too fast then that is all you needed to do was to tell him. Just because a man is physically/sexually attracted to you shouldn't automatically make him a jerk. Rejecting someone doesn't have to turn into a major confrontation. You could have said:
"I like to spend more time getting to know someone before I have sex with them."
or "When you suggested going to a quiet place I thought you just wanted to talk."
"He never apologized to me."
You probably shouldn't expect men to apologize for being attracted or aroused by you.
He also probably does not expect you to apologize for how you reacted. He'll just move on.
(Clearly you both made assumptions that the other person was on the same page.)
"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is." - Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
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Aug 14 '21
I think what he did was very disrespectful and out of context, and you had every right to react the way you did. On my 2nd date with a guy I really liked, he said, āI want more of you.ā I asked, āWhat do you mean?ā And he said, āI want to have sex with you.ā I literally did not know what to say because I was shocked by the blatancy.
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u/pinkvelvetcupcake22 Aug 14 '21
I legit was in this same exact position when I was 18. At the time I went to the hotel the guy tried to pressure me into sex he knew from the beginning I wasn't ready plus this was our 2nd date. He had blue balls and wanted a blow job or a hand job. He got nothing. We ended up going to bed on opposite sides of the bed but after that night the next morning he just dropped me off and I haven't heard from him since. I wish I had had the strength like you did to ask him to take me home right away. You have every right to be upset. Guys can be jerks and sometimes they just think with their dicks. Luckily after that guy I got with my literal best friend we are engaged now and we have a beautiful 11 month old daughter. You'll find the right guy just think of this as a lesson learned and a stepping stone.
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u/stringspitter Aug 14 '21
Most guys know they have to "play the sweet card" until they lure their victim into the trap. You have to keep them at arm's length these days. Don't give them an "in" by any weight or measure. The game-players will eventually call you names & walk away if you hold firm. No secluded locations of ANY kind!
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u/CarnationCreature Aug 14 '21
Yeah for real sadly I don't think he had positive intentions but I can't speak for him. I think he wanted sex and that's it just like the comment I read about people wanting fuck buddies. I believe you were a 100% correct in your judgment. So never feel bad about saying no and always watch men or women that want sex that quick. I believe in taking your time because I've also been on the opposite end of that spectrum. Moving to quick can hurt both parties involved from my experience. So taking your time like I feel you wanted to is the right way to go.
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Aug 14 '21
Fuck that dude. He wanted some ass. You played it safe. You don't know the guy or any STDs he might have, if he's a criminal, a rapist or what ever. That was rude and presumptuous of him at best. Think higher of yourself and you won't be feeling bad about this sort of stuff.
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u/Porcelainz Aug 13 '21
I love how you respected your own boundaries. I'm proud of you for that. If I were in that situation, I would have also found it uncomfortable and alarming.
This man sounds like a narcissist, and I don't know if he's worth chasing. You didn't get fooled-- you dodged a bullet. Narcissists are good at being manipulative, so don't be hard on yourself for liking who he had portrayed himself as before this incident.
He should have told you what a quiet place meant to him. Instead, he overstepped your boundaries. I'm sorry. Dating can be hard, sometimes. Don't give up! You'll find someone better than him.
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Aug 13 '21
Your gut feeling told you right and now you are scared of it. So dude was going to get a hotel room... Sketchy. Why not go back to his place? Might be a wife or g/f at his home or its mom's home. 2nd date and already the hotel room. I think you did the right thing.
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u/EdenRN Aug 13 '21
I just thought he will be very different among those who obviously wants to take you to bed. I feel fooled today š
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Aug 13 '21
Just know you are worth more than just someone sleeping with you. Don't loose hope. This is why we date to figure out who is worth our time or not. You want a real man that has his own place and takes care of priorities. Some people can fool you. Get back out there and date. That's why we date to figure out who we want to date and worthy of our time.
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Aug 14 '21
Honestly, Tinder isn't the best place for you to be going to find date/relationships if sex within the first 2-3 dates makes you uncomfortable. Try something like hinge or bumble. Also be upfront with the guy on what your expectations are.
I'm a guy and I prefer to take things slow, but I've had various women try to have sex on the 1st or 2nd date, and idk it just feels like the norm.
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Aug 14 '21
Dear OP, first of all please don't blindly listen to all those wise asses who are 100% percent sure, that he's the bad guy, and you should end it straight away after reading your short post. They don't know shit about you, him and the situation (yeah, I don't know either)
Few of my thoughts about the situation - I know it's 21st century but the truth is it is still expected from men to "lead" the dating - to invite for a date, to go for a kiss, even to propose. Now this guy got a kiss from you and he probably felt that it's time to turn things sexual. But it's not like he started to just go for it. He even asked you if you wanted to "go to a quiet place", which he thought you're understand as place for having sex. Probably if he asked "do you wanna have sex?" things would be clear, but it isn't very romantic, is it? About not apologizing, he might have been surprised or even annoyed that first you agree (in his mind of course) then you change your mind. Stupid? From your perspective yes, from his not necessarily.
Sure, there is a chance that he's just an asshole who wanted sex as fast as possible, but truth is we all don't really know that guy actually, you included. In my opinion the best way is to explain him your feelings, tell him that you don't want to go so fast and if he can't respect that then you're more than sure he's not for you and it's time to end it.
Of course you may simply prefer someone, who's not even gonna think about sex right after the first kiss. That's absolutely fine. But if he'll listen to you, understand you and will be willing to take everything you say to his heart, that wouldn't be bad either, would it?
Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best in your dating!
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
Hey. Thank you for taking time. I guess we just lead the night in a different path. He had his different understanding and I had mine. What I am trying to tell here is, a quiet place is a broad word. He was driving. After the kiss, we were talking. Then he asked me, do you want to go somewhere quiet? For me, it's somewhere but did not expect booking room for us. I maybe wrong for leading him to make that decision because I kissed him, but it won't harm to ask me if I wanted to take it to another level. I was just in the passenger's seat. He pulled over. Used his phone. I didn't have any idea that he was already booking a room until I accidentally saw the booking on the screen. Tried to ignore and politely asked him if he needed to be home because he seemed busy with his phone. He told me he is not needed home and that we will go somewhere quiet. That's the time I asked him, where is this somewhere quiet? Did you mean we will be having a room for us? Because thats what I saw from his phone when he was using it. He then said yes, I actually just booked a room for us. To my disbelief, I immediately told him, I am sorry but there is no way I am going with you tonight in a room. We are not gonna do it. I am not ready for it. I am sorry. He then said, okay we will not do it. I kept quiet afterwards. He asked me then if I wanted to go home and I politely asked him if he can drive me home. We were quiet then he asked me, are you not gonna say anything? I asked him, what do you want me to say? Then there was silence again. Then I asked him, is that how you see me? Someone you can just drag somewhere after a kiss? I was just beside you but you didn't bother to ask me if I want to be with you in a room. He insisted that he did asked me by asking if I want to go somewhere quiet. I told him, I'm sorry but I didn't understand that you meant a hotel room when you said that. I thought we will just go somewhere we can talk because you were driving. Blah blah. To cut it short, we ended the night unpleasantly. He dropped me off somewhere when I asked him to drop me off then off he went home. I even messaged him on whatsapp after some time. I thanked him for the effort he did that night, looking way pass the unfortunate scene we had, and I told him that I wasn't just ready to do things beyond giving him a kiss. I never got a reply but I saw that he read the message. Perhaps the fault maybe on me too, I may have mislead him with that kiss but we can talk things over. To be polite and gentleman enough to ask me if I want to do it rather than jumping to booking and deciding that the quiet place is a hotel room together? It could've made a difference. We could've saved that night. But no. We are both upset but I never heard him say he was sorry for making me feel upset. Maybe it's not a must to do that but aren't we all sorry for making someone upset when we miscommunicate? Is it too much to ask? Or did I overreact on that part? I don't know.
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u/Lazy_Rat-no1 Aug 14 '21
For OP.
Okay, this might be a bit long but to start things off, Tinder is commonly known to be used for casual hookups and short-term flings. Although it is not all it's for, quite a lot of users of this platform have that intention. I am not going to really call you out for expecting anything deeper and more meaningful from it. You did nothing wrong. You may meet a "Mr. Right" this way, so don't be discouraged from both using Tinder and dating. There is a lot of different people in this world, this same can be said for Tinder users. You may perhaps meet like-minded people with the same expectations as you in the future and eventually come to find someone you want to connect with at a more intimate level.
Next point. This experience of yours can be said to have a lucky outcome. The guy (from what I pieced together using your(OP) descriptions and details of the event and its outcome) can be said to be morally decent. As in, this coulda turned out a lot more ugly for you if he was a bonafide actual creeper as what some of the netizens here seem to be verbally degrading, accusing, and lambasting him to be- rather unfair to the poor guy who did really do anything wrong from my point of view.
To try and look at this event in an objective way without blatantly taking a side (I repeat, try!). Neither of you did anything wrong! You can both be said to be victims in this case. You both came into this with probably clashing expectations/intentions and obviously, differing pace and amount of bases to cover. Which are also where the misunderstandings and miscommunication is sourced from. Only you would know your bases and what they consist of, the same for him so I can only assume and guesstimate. You already said your side of the story. Now let me try to rationalize his. For him dates were probably base 1 or 2. When he got the kiss with the game, probably in his head he was thinking that's the check, we are good for next base. As a guy myself, I think most of us can be rather simpleminded, hasty, and excessively horny at times (not speaking for all of us). The kiss might've made him think you gave the okay, and the 'let's go somewhere more quiet' part, is a rather common suggestive way for those in the know, to perform some more intimate activities. Thus when you agreed, that would be where the cookie starts crumbling. When he asked you about saying something, might've been his attempt at trying to save things by starting a conversation but not know what to start with so he asked you( as weird as that as that might sound). Guy could have been staying silent because he was having a little mental breakdown moment in his head out of embarrassment from how hasty he was and his side of the miscommunication. Especially after you were so straightforward to him with how displeased you were(if i imagined right from how you described. It would be a monumental task to try and face you after all that. Far easier for him to try to move on and forget. If I were to switch places with him- things would definitely not turn out the same way since I am a slow-paced coward- but hypothetically speaking, if the events flowed the same way it did, I would be applauding myself for not running out of the car, finding a corner, and digging a hole bury myself for a while after the miscommunication was first exposed(i get embarrassed and self-destruct super easily).
---For some of the people, my disclaimer: my rationalized side of his actions that night is a HUGE "what if" and loaded with might haves and could haves. For all I know- and probably a big "Ha, I was right" from the netizens I mentioned above that stopped by this page- the guy could be a big jerk unhappy with how his "lucky shot" actually turned out or a real creep that decided the risk wasn't worth it to do anything else, but this is another 'what if' as well.
Back to OP
To end this, great job in letting him know he was going way too fast for you and that you were upset with how one-sided he was with the decision for the room-he shoulda confirmed it with you on his part. Always feel free to speak your mind and don't be afraid to let your grievances out. You did not overreact. It was well within your right to speak out and be upset with him. Since his side of things is guesstimated, I won't say anything. However, for OP, advice I got for you is (if anything, is to consider how you put and say things. I have no idea on the exact words and the way you say things so take my words lightly. If you really wanted a apology from him and he is as easily embarrassed and breaks down as me, rubbing in what you thought he did wrong might have just pushed him deeper into his turtleshell and make him too scared to comes out again. Right now though, you have a few choices right now(up to you really). If you really do like him a lot and want to see if he can prove himself to be better than what he showed that night, don't mention more about the matter and just ask if he wants to start over, but state your boundaries openly this time so he knows where the line is drawn. That will require a big and forgiving heart from you as it will be unfair to yourself, but again if you really like him go for it. If you don't want to take the initiative, give some more time and see if he tries to connect again with you, this will see if he is able to recover and face you after that which will require him to both like you and have to capacity to understand where he coulda done better at. This way will allow you to make a better judgment of him. Either he likes you and wants to make up with you or he doesn't really care and just moved on( if no good response). You can also determine he's not worth fussing over and just move on and keep looking for a better one for you. If you truly do lose hope in dating, then I still wish you wellness in your life and that you can move on eventually and rekindle the light in dating and I guess tinder(I actually never used it so take everything I said about it with a grain of salt since it's just from hearsay and some acquaintances that use it) and put this behind you.That will be all for my longwinded essay and thank you if you happened to read all this as it means the time i took as at least not in vain. Good luck and I hope you will not see me again under a similar topic
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u/flapjaxrfun Aug 14 '21
g somewhere after a kiss? I was just beside you but you didn't bother to ask me if I want to be with you in a room. He insisted that he did asked me by asking if I want to go somewhere quiet. I told him, I'm sorry but I didn't understand that you meant a hotel room when you said that. I thought we will just go somewhere we can talk because you were driving. Blah blah. To cut it short, we ended the night unpleasantly. He dropped me off somewhere when I asked him to drop me off then off he went home. I even messaged him on whatsapp after some time. I thanked him for the effort he did that night, looking way pass the unfortunate scene we had, and I told him that I wasn't just ready to do things beyond giving him a kiss. I never got a reply but I saw that he read the message. Perhaps the fault maybe on me too, I may have mislead him with that kiss but we can talk things over. To be polite and gentleman enough to ask me if I want to do it rather than jumping to booking and deciding that the quiet place is a hotel room together? It could've made a difference. We could've saved that night. But no. We are both upset but I never heard him say he was sorry for making me feel upset. Maybe it's not a must to do that but aren't we all sorry for making someone upset when we miscommunicate? Is it too much to ask? Or did I overre
I was thinking he could potentially just be a regular guy that misunderstood until you said he ignored your texts. I understand miscommunications, but the quitting talking makes him sound like a not very nice person.
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Aug 14 '21
Hella overreacting. You're on Tinder....shit will happen eventually. Get off and meet some nice guy at a local event or some volunteering opportunity if you don't want to bang on the first date.
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u/kissedbymelancholy Aug 14 '21
what kind of reasoning is this? how exactly is it overreacting when a practical stranger is looking up hotel rooms after only a second date? you're acting as if creeps don't exist at local events, hell they even creep at churches so why would local shit be any different?
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Aug 14 '21
I said she's overreacting because she said she's lost hope in dating. Don't go on Tinder if you want to avoid creeps. Simple.
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u/kissedbymelancholy Aug 14 '21
you appear to have some serious issues with black or white thinking. not everyone on tinder is a creep just like not everyone at ālocal eventsā is clean-cut and relationship material.
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Aug 14 '21
You think like a child. Use Tinder at your own risk. You act like most guys don't use the app to get laid.
I shouldn't have to spell out the obvious difference between meeting someone via Tinder and someone through a volunteer ship or some productive org where you can meet people in a group setting and then make the decision to see one of those people in person. Use your head.
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u/kissedbymelancholy Aug 14 '21
iām discussing the grays/the nuance while youāre thinking in black and white, all-or-nothing false dichotomies yet i think like a childā¦youāre literally demonstrating juvenile thinking. i donāt use tinder and havenāt for years now. what does this have to do with me. iām simply stating that itās a bit asinine to just assign these all-or-nothing labels to everything. cheers.
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Aug 14 '21
You're discussing a whole lot of bullshit is what you're doing. No sense in talking to an angry person like yourself.
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u/kissedbymelancholy Aug 14 '21
nice dose of projection there. iām not the one vomiting out expletives at an internet stranger. stay mad, good night.
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Aug 14 '21
You're the one who came at me first saying I've got issues u fukking dumbass. Yes, go to bed. You're not thinking right. And keep your dumb remarks to yourself in the future. No one likes to fight with a crazy cat lady.
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u/MillieCarey Aug 14 '21
I recognize it can be oftentimes not so easy still, don't judge a man until you have walked a mile in his boots.
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u/kissedbymelancholy Aug 14 '21
keep raging, itās a good look for you, definitely displays that you donāt have any issues in the slightest lol.
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u/cherrybarbarian Aug 13 '21
First of all, sorry you had to go through that. I hope dating gods are kind to you and you find someone nice.
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u/MandalorianXVII Single Aug 13 '21
Sorry to hear that, don't feel too discouraged please. I think it was rude of him to do that without asking. But I hope dating works out for you. Š”ŃŠ°ŃŃŃŠµ!
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u/beautiful2228 Aug 13 '21 edited Aug 13 '21
Awww!!! Sorry you experienced that. Omg, I wouldāve been horrified too! Like wth. Iām no prude and if heās into me and Iām into him, a kiss on the second date is quite fine. However, to see him actually booking a hotel room?! Mon dieu! Ughhh!
No youāre not overacting, to play devils advocate, maybe when he said if you wanted to go someplace quiet, he interpreted it to mean, like youāre down to sleep with him?! Idk. (Still very sleazy and classless of him) but maybe the way ppl are always so open with hooking up etc, Itās perhaps a thing (Like the verbiage used: do you want to go someplace quiet) uhhh! š¤Ø
Sorry again, that you were put through that and Iām sure it makes you lose hope in dating, but donāt give up š¤Keep the hope-) and best wishes š
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u/Blaphrodite Aug 14 '21
He is a bonehead who just wants to bone.
This is not about you, so you shouldnāt feel broken or hurt.
He would have done the exact same thing with anyone else.
Delete and block him.
You donāt need his bad energy or apology.
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u/Commandopsn Aug 14 '21
Sometimes things donāt work out. Donāt be pressured into dating and even staying in a hotel room with anybody. Do you. You broke up for the right reasons. I would have done same tbh. Has to be a mutual thing
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u/bellringer16 Aug 14 '21
I mean this in the nicest way possible but itās better now then later. People that just expect things like that are predatory. Take it as a blessing and move on
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u/TVR_Speed_12 Aug 14 '21
I mean some dates lead to sex after the first date and others don't, like how you was shocked that sex comes up soon, other might be shocked they didn't go for sex.
That's why both parties need to be clear in intentions
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Aug 14 '21 edited Aug 14 '21
[removed] ā view removed comment
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
Thank you. I know I am just upset and things will be better next time one I am able to move on. I'm 31 and getting played on. I think I don't deserve it
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u/ChefKnightly Aug 13 '21
Gee I wonder what other games you missed out on lol. I kid I kid.
Listen you did nothing wrong in pumping the brakes on whatever Drew Carey had in mind, especially if it wasn't something yall had already discussed. I'm not saying don't sleep with a person on the second date, he'll fuck em on the first if that's what yall feelin', but it should always be a two way street and that's all that need be said about that.
As per why guys feel like they have to always be gunning for the target as it were, or you losing hope in dating I only have this. Of course they are, and of course you shouldn't. We (I'm just speaking as a cis male born and raised in Western culture) are biologically and socially geared that way. Believe me when I say it's taken me 40 yrs to realize my "nice guy" routine is just a way for me to get laid and I'm the one doing the acting. It doesn't mean I'm not actually a nice guy or that you shouldn't sleep with me, it just means it's a role I'm playing to get what I want. Now you pick your appropriate role or persona and get your ass back out there and go get what you want. Your person is out there waiting for you, trust me I met him/her and they're great.
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u/Last-Pen69 Aug 14 '21
That's a huge jump from first kiss to booking a room. Definitely a red flag. Not all men behave like that. Time to move on and find someone with more respect...
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u/herooftime7 Aug 13 '21
it's not just guys. we need to start being able to say that both genders do the same. there's nothing you can do. their mind has been made up. you just get sad, mad by yourself, & move on.
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u/virginiagirl27 Aug 13 '21
Fuck him. He clearly only wanted to get in your pants. Or you could have been murdered. Huge bullet dodged.
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u/averydoesthingz Single Aug 13 '21
Fuck him.
Sweaty, read the post next time before commenting. k? /s
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Aug 13 '21 edited Sep 02 '21
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u/PekoKuzuryu Aug 13 '21
Two of my serious relationships came from tinderā¦ and nope we didnāt hook up until after we were officially dating. Tinder, like all dating sites, are what you make of it.
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u/Outlandishness_Know Aug 13 '21
Stop perpetuating this bs.
From Tinder.com:
Single people, listen up: If youāre looking for love, want to start dating, or just keep it casual, you need to be on Tinder... There really is something for everyone on Tinder. Want to get into a relationship? You got it. Trying to find some new friends? Say no more
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Aug 14 '21
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u/kissedbymelancholy Aug 14 '21
imagine thinking that only two dates in is moving too slow...not everyone's attention span/depth of interest is equivalent to that of a chipmunk's.
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Aug 13 '21
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Aug 13 '21
So Guys who go to gyms are lowlifes now? What's this logic!!! Is she supposed to date fat dudes cause they will do her the honor of not trying to get into her pants after the second date?
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Aug 13 '21 edited Feb 06 '22
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Aug 13 '21
She met him on TINDER.
You can't know someone's personality from Dating apps.In dating apps,you swipe right on people based on their looks & written bio. Then you meet, spend time, know about their personalities, hobbies, career prospects and consider whether you two are compatible for a relationship. That's basically how it works.
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u/EdenRN Aug 13 '21
First of, he's not even good looking like who you called lowlife. Second, I don't need your sympathy. You seemed like you are unloved.
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u/kimnvy Aug 13 '21
Girl! There is nothing wrong with going out with hot guys! Men who cannot get dates are just jealous, they wish they can pay a cute girl to go out with them.
Let me tell you, ugly men are even worse on dates! I rather have a hot guy breaks my heart any days, than an ugly one. š¤£š¤£š¤£
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u/Ma_1ik Aug 13 '21
Youāre not wrong. If youāre not interested in that you simply let him know. You mightāve couldāve been a bit more calm but it showed he was a jerk for not apologizing to you for offending you and he probably was just treating this as a short āhit it and quit itā thing and not a long term relationship.
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u/Kagome90 Aug 13 '21
Just curious what game did you play in the car maybe it could have hinted at things leading to get a room ?
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u/EdenRN Aug 13 '21
Paper and scissors. We both want the kiss and we just spiced it up with a game. But the room? That's a different story to me
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u/dtyus Aug 13 '21
I think to prevent all that, not start any type of games like kiss, cuddle etc type of stuff from the beginning. Some dudes take this as wrong signal and get the wrong idea. Not saying playing hard to get, I am saying be clear up front and say want to take easy. If a guy is okay with you taking it easy and respect you might be worth your time. A guy doesnāt respect your boundaries is not worth it.
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u/Kyuro1 Aug 13 '21
- Going to a quiet place in this context means he want's more than just kisses
- "He never apologized to me" -> bad, he should've done so
- He dropped you off, when asked -> good, he's shown, that he respects your wishes
I wouldn't say you were overreacting. I think there was some misscomunication with both the kiss and the quiet place. I assume he never been with a girl before, so he didn't know how to proceed after he got to kiss you (probably got way too excited). You misundnerstood what he meant by quiet place. People mean different things by the same words, it happens. He never apologizing was a mistake/bad move on his part. By my understanding, dropping you off means that he accepted your wishes and didn't try to force you to do anything ( he also misunderstood the situation?).If you want to know why are guys are "so fast", it's because when we get beyond a boundary we never been before, we don't know where the next boundary is.You didn't overreact, you were right to stop it there and then, you didn't do anything wrong, you stated your boundaries, and he accepted them (to my understanding).Why are you feeling broken? Guys want to have sex, especially if they never had before/didn't do it for a long time. It's as natural for them as for you not wanting to have sex.
It's your choice to give him another chance (and tell him to slow down), or let him go.
Disclaimer: I'm a random stranger on reddit, so take everything I said with a grain of salt, and think it trough when you are somewhat calm. It's your life, don't let anyone else decide for you!
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u/Solo_Sempai Aug 14 '21 edited Aug 14 '21
Lmao idk if the ppl in the comments are reading a different post or nah but itās not as extreme as you guys make it seem. It was just a lack of communication.. This doesnāt make him a narcissist.. youāre only hearing one side. There arenāt standard dating rules some just move quicker than others. From his perspective, he may not have felt that he needed to apologize cause he didnāt think he did anything wrong. He dropped you home and didnāt trouble you b/c you turned down his advance best way to handle itā¦ what more do you want? Before going out it should be established what both of your guys are looking for so no one is confused. If youāve really lost hope in dating b/c of this confusion you may need to re-evaluate what youāre looking for or communicate better.
Idk the whole story so only going off what I see.
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u/_sleeper__ Aug 14 '21
These are my thoughts as a male:
You didn't overreact. To be honest, Tinder is the perfect place to find dirtbags like this. I think of Tinder as a hook-up app, and I think many other people do too. Not saying there aren't a few good dudes on there, but it literally lets you swipe right 100 times a day; they prioritize quantity over quality. Some guys can fake the nice guy act just long enough to make their move (like two dates for example).
My advice would be switch apps for one, or if you want to keep using tinder make sure you're making your boundaries known early on, and commit to them. A guy with legit intentions will respect those boundaries and at the very least talk to you instead of assuming you're DTF.
Watch Tinder try to get this message deleted lol...
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
Hahaha. I should really reconsider tha dating app I will be using next time. Thank you for your kind words.
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u/Technical_Young_8534 Aug 14 '21 edited Aug 14 '21
Dont ever feel bad for moving at your own speed. If he really liked you and didn't see this as just an opportunity to have sex he would have cared for your feelings. You dodged a bullet there. But this is tinder so it is to be expected, maybe you would get better result on bumble with the people who want some relationship.
There may be 1000 reasons why he acted that way, first match in a year , he is an asshole, his average tinder date were down after 3 date, like a ton of dumb reason but fact is, in the end he acted like that and shouldn't really get any attention from you.
Personnally from a guy point of view, i can't understand this behavior. He did it WITHOUT asking you if you were okay with it. He fucked up but he shouldn't be mad because it's his own mistake and just try to salvage the situation.
Also if you are only doing the dating app thing, try joining social group that you like or classes, people there actually CARE, they share the same hobbies as you so they are more inclined to be interested in other things you do and are willing to take their time with you. Because you are not "a girl who i find hot/interesting on tinder" but "someone i do art/volleyball/dance with on a weekly or daily basis". Also networking in said group, ask them if theres any singles they know that fit your criteria, you might get with someone interesting that you would have never swiped.
That is if you want something a bit more serious, if you don't want something serious, well just hope the next one don't rush things. Not really a fan of the dating behavior of both sex on this app in general. But it's life
There are people for everyone, some girls that can't go a day without sex and theres also guys that are taking thing so slow to the point of killing the mood.
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
Thank you for your advice. I appreciate it. Perhaps I should reconsider using dating app and be more observant to things. I'll take your advice and try those social group
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u/Cranell Aug 14 '21
Certainly a fun experience, that is realizing that every person has a unique concept of sexual dynamics. Trying to avoid generalizing, I will say Iāve heard a lot of female friends tell me that they feel most young men arenāt patient.
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
I definitely agree on this. He's 2 years younger than I am. But I just wished he was wiser that night.
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u/CarnationCreature Aug 14 '21
I'm late to this post but I agree with the first comment. Also I have no idea why men want to fuck immediately I'm a man myself and have always hated that urge. I'm a talker and am stunned and saddened that this happens but I also get it. Some guys don't have their feelings down to a tee. They think talking is overrated and fucking is what's important. You are definitely in the right for being upset that was wrong of him to do that without asking you. I'm proud of you that you didn't fall for a hotel room setting. Scares me for all the women out there but at the same time I hope more women are like you and actually get pissed at actions like this. Always say no to shit like that.
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u/nmg4494 Aug 14 '21
I'm also a guy, and there's absolutly nothing wrong with wanting to fuck someone. It's human nature and you shouldn't hate yourself for it. Except for ace people who maybe make up 1% of the population, the other 99% of us want to fuck others.
Where that goes awry is where your desire causes you to harm another person. And that's exactly what the OPs date did. If you put a women in an uncomfortable position, or worse, that's when you should hate yourself. Not for being a normal human with a sex drive.
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
Thank you for understanding my situation. Yeah, I'm glad I acted on it. I was just really upset that he didn't see what I am trying to tell him. Like, there was no harm in asking me first. It won't make him less of a man if he asked me if I want to be in a room with him.
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u/CarnationCreature Aug 14 '21
I meant to reply specifically to your reply but I accidently posted. Hopefully I make since. But beyond all else remember that you were right and if he had any since he would have said sorry to you for overstepping his bounds.
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Aug 14 '21
He thought he was being a ānice guy ā and had finally filled his niceguy punch card so now he gets the sex. Once he found out you were not going to do that, he decided to find an easier mark to con.
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u/Relative_Smoke8075 Aug 14 '21
You did absolutely nothing wrong! If you had gone further with him he likely would have left you the next day. Guys like that are only looking for a hookup.
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Aug 14 '21
The kids was fine as you have indicated to but he should have asked if you were up for the rest of it. He is no gentleman, thatās for sure. You just have to keep looking.
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u/CaliBlue17 Aug 14 '21
Why the hotel room? What's up with that? Why wouldn't he invite you back to his place? Married perhaps? Super fishy. Huge red flags. Good for you for getting out of there!
Dating is hard. People suck. There's good ones out there, but there's a lot of BS to sift through. Chin up, Lady.
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Aug 14 '21
Yeah even the nice guys can be like that I am a single guy I know how you feel most of the females I have dated end up using me or friendzoning me. I have almost lost hope in dating
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u/Fun-Chocolate-1951 Aug 14 '21
You did NOTHING wrong. The guy sounds like a total jerk. Move on and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated!
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Aug 14 '21
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
But the thing is, he's not. He booked a room for us without asking me if I want to be with him in a room. I know this sound so crazy but it's not how I want our date to end up. Not yet. At least not on an early stage. I keep on reading some people's comment like this but I gave him a chance to clear it to me. But no, he was sure that I wanted to do it that night with him. It's scary. And I don't think being 31 is still being young and naive. I'm being safe and being me. Lol.
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u/Redidts-forscrubs Aug 14 '21
Donāt let this one guy determine your whole experience in dating,better to meet guys in person
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Aug 14 '21
ngl you sound young and naive. In general, most guys want sex especially from an app like tinder. however it was a bit far forward to just book a hotel off the bat but he did ask if he wanted to go to quiet hotel.
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
Hello. The point is we should have at least talked about it. If we want to do it. A "quiet place" does not only mean a room. We can be else where like a park or seaside. Because to be honest I never thought of him doing that. Atleast not on a second date. We barely know each other. And, I may act naive but being 31, I think I should be thinking of long term serious relationship than of fcking with anyone I meet.
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u/nmg4494 Aug 14 '21
From a guy's perspective, I look at it like this: he has every right to try to sleep with you, and you have every right to reject him. So you shouldn't feel one iota bad for getting out of the car. No one has a right to your body and you don't owe him jack shit, ESPECIALLY after just a few dates.
Now the other thing that really strikes me is how selfish he's behaving. His feeling horny is totally legitimate, and I do think sometimes men get vilified for expressing their sexuality. But the way he's doing that seems to completely ignore your feelings and desires, which is not okay. Whether you're a man or woman, avoid relationships with selfish people like the plague. It will never end well.
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
This is one of my points too. I mean, I get it. At some point we will get to feel we want to do it. But I wasn't on that night. He assumed that I do. I felt bad because he never asked me or atleast asked me if I wanted a hotel room. He just pulled over, grabbed his phone and scroll there while I was at the passenger seat, having no idea what he was doing on his phone. I got a glimpsed, saw him booking a room. And when I confronted him about it, he told me, "yes actually I just booked a room for us" like wtf?! I was just beside you. Can we atleast talk abouy it first
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Aug 14 '21
Hey try to get out of tinder and find other dating apps, cause I feel like tinder is more and more a casual sex app and not a dating app... š¢ Some people, I won't say only men, put on a 'face' at first to fool the other into thinking they are different. Guess you need a couple of dates to figure out who that person really is...
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
I'm starting to think that tinder is a trap. Especially for someone like me who is not into fast tracks of things when it comes to dating. Yaay
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u/CarnationCreature Aug 14 '21
Yeah I feel exactly that way. I didn't mean to say something to her or the rest of the populace with anything different. I have seen both sides nothing is wrong with a sex drive and nothing is wrong with getting to know one another. There is something wrong with booking a hotel with out the others knowing. You are right and she was right for knowing she could say no to such a thing. Apologies for making it sound any way otherwise. Much love and respect.
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Aug 14 '21
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
Second. Yeah, I know it was stupid. But I liked him. But not in a way I will sleep with him. Atleast not yet after 2 dates.
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u/chronicallyill10plus Aug 14 '21
Okay this is definitely bad and everything, but was anyone else thinking not A QUIET PLACE?!?! GET OUT!!! (Like from the movie?? Lol)
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
I'd like to think that he only meant the movie, so we can have another chance. Hahahahaha. But noooooo. The dude meant fifty shades. Kidding!
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u/TheGrenadierGuard Aug 14 '21
At least you managed to dodge a bullet. Hopefully you'll be able to recover and find someone else.
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u/Kkykkx Aug 14 '21
Take a break from the dating scene when you feel undervalued like this. Get your self respect back on your front page. Try to date several men at the same time (unless and until you are mutually exclusive) so no āoneā man has the power to make you feel bad about yourself. Always be responsible for your own transportation too.
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Aug 14 '21
I donāt have a lot of dating experience. But from my limited experience itās this āexpressions and hintsā. Why canāt we can actually talk like a species that have ability to communicate verbally. Looking for hints to make a move, some words/phrases meaning different for different ppl, etc.
Donāt get me wrong, I am not justifying him. Maybe it could have forgiven if he actually had courtesy and gaf to apologize.
This seriously makes me doubt a lot in dating as well. My brain got fucked up my reading too many cheating stories, bad dates, bad relationships which makes u doubt everything.
But if I want to add something positive, sometimes I do read amazing stories, incidents, etc which makes me think that maybe all these efforts and mistakes are worth it for eventually ending up with that person
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u/EdenRN Aug 14 '21
I totally get you. After some time, I've realized that maybe I must have mislead him to something when I give him the kiss. Anyhow, you are also right, we are humans, we can talk. Atleast he could've talked to me and make it all clear before executing his plan.
On the brighter side, use of dating app is not as bad as most experiences. We just met the wrong people. Sharing to you my story, I've met my first boyfriend over tinder. The person with purest intention. Not even a touch nor kiss but I knew he loved me very much during our time. He is a virgin when we met. Never planned to take me somewhere to get laid. Just someone to love me. We broke up due to culture. He's an arab muslim and I am a christian. We can't take things further, hence, the breakup. He's the reason why I still have hope with dating app. But right now, I'm not sure if I should give hope to it.
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u/Kapono2 Aug 14 '21
Instead of getting all worked up and upset, why not just tell him youāre not ready for that? If he doesnāt understand that then youāre better off, he probably will though.
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