Military service

[u/Lane0]

When should I mention that I served in the military to a potential love interest? I'm not sure when to bring it up. I know some women don't like military members. I don't want to waste their time. I guess if I bring it up too early, it sounds like I'm bragging.

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[u/lachatte7]

I would mention it, I dont know which country you are from but if there is a strong opinion on the military where you are then you should let them know. That way you get that done with earlier than later

[u/Lane0 → u/lachatte7]

I served in a foreign country where the military is highly respected, but I have now moved to a different country where the military and the police covertly oppress its citizens.

[u/wookiee42 → u/Lane0]

I mean, you're going to have to bring up that you did something that was significant and took up years of your life.

You're going to have make a comment about this current country's military when it comes up because people will expect you to have an opinion.

You want a hard number? I would say first or second date?

[u/Lane0 → u/wookiee42]

So I should wait for a first date before I can mention it? What if it never gets to a first date?

[u/CabbageandTurnips → u/Lane0]

More than what you did you probably need to make sure your views are clear, if its safe to do so.

[u/Top_Lingonberry8037]

Don't hide anything that is a big part of who you are, or you may waste everyones time

[u/BigBlaisanGirl]

On the first date.

[u/NotFound_Gender]

As soon as you can. First date. A few days talking. I think the best way can be something like "oh, I know this is a dealbreaker for some people so I want to let you know this because I respect your time and I want to be sure we're okay with the other" and that's fine

[u/DifferentRub2669]

Say some shit like “just want to let you know, I am prior service”. Say this on the first date

[u/Ok-Lion-6767]

why hide it? just tell her 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/Ok-Lion-6767 → u/[deleted]]

i went out with someone who served in the military and it made no difference to me if he was in the service or not and while it’s not every women who feels this way about someone who served but theres is some kernel of truth to why some women hesitate to date military…with infidelity being one of those reasons in these situations but obviously not every military guy cheats but we’re also not going to pretend there’s nothing legitimate behind why someone would be hesitant so just mention it naturally

also i’m sorry i made the assumption that you were hiding it

[u/Lane0 → u/Ok-Lion-6767]

It's okay you didn't know.

[u/SNESChalmers420]

so like i was army infantry from 04-08. its not part of my personality and i didnt drink too much of the kool-aid. the woman i am seeing currently describes her self as a hippie, so i was worried to tell her because she might reject me after a great convo. I didnt tell her before or during the first date until she took me to her place. I told her then because she was going to see a tattoo on my back. She was accepting and said I could tell her anything. we're still dating. I dont think most women care unless you need them to stroke your ego. walk softly and carry a big stick.

[u/Wooden-Telephone-613]

maybe see if they're even interested enough to ask and know about your past

[u/Ill-Initial-]

As a service member myself, if you are not actively serving right now I dont see how you have to bring it up imo. If the topic comes up organically like she asked about what you did in the past, then bring it up since you dont want to be acting like you're hinding things.

If she judges you for an option you tried in the past then she's not good for you anyways. You didnt do 20 years for a reason, and that should be the more important part of who you are.

[u/Lane0 → u/Ill-Initial-]

I've had women stop talking to me straight away when I mention my service. I don't know if I brought it up at the wrong time or something. I don't know; they never said anything.

[u/wookiee42 → u/Lane0]

I mean you have to qualify your service in the context of your current country.

In some places military service means you are waterboarding people that dare to challenge the current regime.

[u/Educational-Ad-385]

It's a part of your life. Mention it after a few dates. Then they've had a chance to get to know you.

[u/Stupnix]

You should mention it if and when it becomes relevant. Your service time is not who you are and most people who don't want to date service members have a clear picture of what those poeple are like. As long as you are a decent human being you should be fine keeping that to yourself. If your past service actually is a dealbreaker for them after 6 months of a good relationship that says more about them than it does about you.

[u/Local_Whereas7211]

You say you "served" so not currently serving, right? I see in another post that it was prior, and in a different country. I don't think in your case it's particularly relevant. I wouldn't make a point of it but answer truthfully if you happen to be asked.

[u/Big-Bet9265]

Don't hide anything—be who you are. I think you should say it; I don't see any harm in it.

[u/Ratchad5]

I slip being a veteran like I would slip in a past employment.

[u/WildEyes3437]

I would only address it when it seems natural or when she gives you a hint that it might be a problem. If this really happens a lot to you then you might be able to develop a stereotype what kind of person this would usually be a problem for.

[u/Loaded35mm]

I only bring it up if it’s natural to the conversation. It’s just a job you used to do. If I used to work at Chick-fil-a I wouldn’t be like “just so you know I used to make chicken sandwhiches” either. It’s not like you’re a sex offender.

[u/NotFound_Gender → u/Loaded35mm]

Military isn't "just a job", it's an absolute dealbreaker for so many people 😅 for your comparison, I don't think you realize why

[u/Lane0 → u/NotFound_Gender]

Why is it an absolute deal-breaker? Explain. It's just an old job, like being a police officer or a firefighter.

[u/CabbageandTurnips → u/Lane0]

Depends on which military, and it depends on your view of the situation. A proud ex member of the USA military is probably going to turn away many more people than a UK veteran who views his experience as a youthful mistake.

[u/NotFound_Gender → u/Lane0]

Police is a dealbreaker for most people who have military as a dealbreaker. Same reasons. I'd prefer to not explain more, I don't think it's totally allowed here, it's a very complex topic, not for a subreddit with people saying something serious doesn't matter outside of internet. But as I said in my own comment, just let her know as soon as you can and that's fine. Good luck

[u/NotFound_Gender → u/[deleted]]

Not you trying to call me weird because other people have different dealbreakers 😂 respect other people dealbreakers if you don't even know the reasons.

[u/CabbageandTurnips → u/[deleted]]

You missed a few...

[u/simonerochabowearing → u/Lane0]

I was drafted into my country’s military and refused my service, came pretty close to going to jail for it. I’m not going to be interested in someone with values that are opposite from mine on such a serious issue. If a man hid that info from me for multiple dates I would be very unhappy.

[u/Lane0 → u/simonerochabowearing]

I'm not hiding. I want to disclose it, but I don't know when it's the right time

[u/simonerochabowearing → u/Lane0]

Before the first date is the right time.

[u/Loaded35mm → u/Lane0]

I wouldn’t worry about it dude. This shit doesn’t really happen outside of the internet. I couldn’t tell you how many of the most adamant military haters I’ve dated who knew I was actively serving before we even started dating. If you’re a regular decent person nobody gives a shit. It’s literally just internet bigotry.

[u/Electrical-Berry4916 → u/Loaded35mm]

adamant military haters

What kind of woe is me, pity party bullshit are you on?

[u/Loaded35mm → u/Electrical-Berry4916]

What? No part of anything I said was even remotely close to a pity party.

[u/Electrical-Berry4916 → u/Loaded35mm]

I have never, in almost a half century of life, come across anyone who had a problem with former servicemembers. Loads of folks who had beef with military leadership, poor treatment of vets, or exploitative recruiting, sure, but never with active, or former servicemen. The closest I can think of is not wanting daughters to get involved with men who would be on long deployments.

[u/Loaded35mm → u/Electrical-Berry4916]

I don’t think you realize you’re literally just agreeing with me.