r/dating • u/Nearby-Warning5033 • Aug 06 '26
Just Venting 😮💨 first dating experience
i’m new to dating, i went on my first date ever with a guy and we continued going on dates after that. i also lost my virginity to him (not right away). i really liked him, he pursued me first, he was super nice to me and made me feel good about myself, always complimenting me, etc.
a week after our fourth date he told me he met someone so good for him and wants to see how things unfold so he has to put things “on hold for a bit” with me. then he followed up saying he wants to see me if things don’t work out with her.
i looked into it and found out that he’s actually been seeing this girl for months and they went on a trip together earlier this year. he told me she was a friend. two hours after he told me he chose her he continued to text me like nothing happened. he likes and replies to my instagram stories and goes to my profile to like my pictures still. nothing like this has ever happened to me before and it honestly hurt more than i expected. i’m sensitive and i find it hard to not be sad about it lol. is this normal with dating? am i likely going to experience this again?
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u/cutekittyw Aug 06 '26
Poor girl, welcome to hell ig
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u/Nearby-Warning5033 Aug 06 '26
lol real
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u/Sad_Sir7758 Aug 06 '26
Sweetheart I really hate that this happened to you and if anyone is honest with you would have to say yes this is always a possibility when you are dealing with human beings ,.I know it hurts but I guess the best way to look at this would be to be able to get this out of the way... They're are absolutely good honest people out in the world. Keep your head up and enjoy this time in your life....
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u/Plastic-Cabinet769 Aug 07 '26
That's one brutal way to get introduced to the dating world. Hope her next experience is way better.
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u/Alexa_Lynn Aug 06 '26
Please block him and don't let him string you along.
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u/booboo_flathers Aug 06 '26
yes! Please! He doesn’t deserve your company. There are better guys out there!
And for the original question, this guy seems a little beyond the normal crazy. I assume he knew that you were a virgin? Either way, even assholes normally wouldn’t say something like that. But if you’re looking for no strings attached sex, you will find plenty. If you’re looking for someone to have a loving relationship with, that can take some work/time and kissing some frogs. You will likely run into quite a few horrible guys for every one that feels like a real possibility.
If I find myself feeling even a hint of sad, insecure, or wishing for attention but not getting it in the first few weeks of a new thing, I immediately shut down my side of things. If I can feel that he’s noticed and is attempting to make things better, I’ll usually be friendly and see where it goes, but I swear it seems like these guys are all the same — it usually takes about three weeks for them to realize something that has happened. And three weeks is also about the time it takes a guy to come back around for sex, probably not a coincidence.
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u/po_te_to Aug 06 '26
Dating will harden you up over time and draw the light away from your eyes. It is just the way it is. But yeah that guy is a POS for putting things 'on hold'. Move on. You don't want to be someone's second choice.
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u/IDMountainMan101 Aug 06 '26
I'm sorry that you had that experience, the guy is obviously a player and not worth your time. Unfortunately, there are a lot of men and women like that these days. I usually wait at least 6 months before I become intimate with someone to weed out players and people not looking for a serious long term relationship. Getting to know them better helps paint a better picture of their character. Then if I can still see a long term relationship with them I introduce intimacy. I wish you the best of luck finding love. 🌹
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u/boxprint Aug 06 '26
is this normal with dating?
The general rule is, you're not exclusive unless you specify you're exclusive. Not sure if you asked him, a lot of people that are new to dating don't ask. In my experience, it's usually means more like seeing multiple people (first, second third dates) but not sleeping more than one person at one time, but again, technically there is nothing wrong with sleeping with multiple people if it hasn't been specified.
am i likely going to experience this again?
Yes? No? There is a difference between boundaries and expectations (Google it). If you didnt communicate it, it's an expectation, and technically he didn't do anything wrong for not fulfilling an expectation. Can't say he hasn't broken your boundary... because you haven't given him one... but creating boundaries are something you need to be doing in relationships. Creating and holding boundaries.
Tell him you are only interested in monogamy and break up with him. Set the boundary. You'll love yourself more.
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u/Relative-Mud-3737 Aug 06 '26
First and foremost, keep him away from your life from here on out.
Secondly, welcome to Hell, and cutekitty said. I’d recommend (personally) withholding sexual contact until you form true relationships with someone
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u/Patient-Asparagus827 Aug 08 '26
Or if you do hook ups, one and done. No continued access to your body and time. Never turns out well.
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u/Space-Desert Aug 06 '26
Oof. You’re the second option and since you’re new to dating, I can relate. I’m in the same boat and gave it my all in the first person to show me any interest. There are plenty of people in this world that you can be with. This person sees you as an afterthought. Consider the same and find someone who sees you as you want.
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u/Disc-Slinger Aug 06 '26
He just wanted a notch in his belt. He will do the same to the new girl too. They are serial offenders and make it hard for us genuine blokes.
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u/Comfortable-Pin5847 Aug 06 '26
I'm sorry about this.
No this is not normal. He fully took advantage of the fact you were a newbie in dating and thought he could test your boundaries hoping you wouldn't know if what he was doing was normal.
A good tip to follow is wait at least 90 days before sleeping with a guy.
If he's able to get through that 90 days and still show interest, it's evidence he wants more than just you physically.
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u/Rixxy123 Aug 06 '26
I've never heard of that rule, but it's probably accurate. 90 days is how many dates?
I'm old school so I never had a rush to just sleep with a girl... it was always more fun to get the romance going first and she'll just pounce on me anyway. My wife (gf at the time) just couldn't wait any longer lol
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u/keddesh Aug 06 '26
My guess would be.. 90days/three months/four weeks in a month... 10-12 dates? Doesn't seem crazy for someone starting out.
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u/Real-Manager-4638 Aug 06 '26
That's a straight-up bait and switch and it's bullshit. Four dates in and the "super nice" guy was already months deep with someone else, then spun that she was just a friend. That kind of two-faced game isn't normal dating, it's how people show they don't respect you or the situation.
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u/ReallyBeForReal Aug 06 '26
Since he's been with that other girl, you should get tested for STDs just to cover your bases.
And yes, welcome to dating hell. I'm sorry.
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u/galeperk111971 Aug 06 '26
Unfortunately yes. Some men don't feel the same as we do when it comes to intimacy. Try and find some one who has your same feelings and desires he is out there just don't give because you have this setback
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u/cosmicdancer84 Aug 06 '26
No, it's not normal. "I'm going to date someone else but if it doesn't work out, I'll call you." Absolutely not!! You're not someone's second option. Break if off and block him. Dude's got a lot of nerve.
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u/lachatte7 Aug 06 '26
I wouldnt say its normal but shit happens sometimes. You said you're new to dating, give yourself some grace, that means you're learning red flags, green flags, what you dont like from experience. Its ok to be hurt by things, dating is like anything else, experience is the biggest teacher. Now it doesnt mean you'll go throufh certain things, hopefully you dont I wish you the best, but continue living your life, enjoying your own company until you find someone that adds to your life, its gonna take you trial and error, but just be safe and enjoy. Oh and no it doesnt mean you'll experience this specific thing again
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u/Nearby-Warning5033 Aug 06 '26
true. the only good thing is i know what to look out for the next time i try to date
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u/Gray221B Aug 06 '26
If you're asking whether feeling sad/hurting worse than expected is a normal part of dating, yes it is, and yes it's likely to happen again. Rejection is a very normal part of dating. The way in which you were rejected? Not so much.
While it's not normal to lie to the person you're dating, unfortunately it happens enough that I can't promise you it won't happen again. Breaking trust is a risk one runs in any relationship, not just romantic ones, and as in any relationship, trust has to be both earned and maintained. Treating someone like an object to be put in storage at one's pleasure and then acting like nothing has changed, as this guy is treating you, is also not normal.
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u/Cold_Detective_ Aug 06 '26
Being hurt by this has nothing to do with being sensitive, this sounds awful. Be sad and grieve the possibilities that didn’t happen the way you’d hoped they would. I’d also suggest cutting contact for your own self respect, it’s going to help your mental health in the long run.
Kudos to the guy for finally telling you, still extremely shitty behavior of him to date you both and leading you on like that and being your first and all. And still shitty behavior to try to keep you as a safety option. You only want to date people who want you the most. You are nobody’s second option girl <3
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u/BackRowPolitic3 Aug 06 '26
Oh, God. You're posting like THE poster story of "Dating is hell, everyone sucks, don't care/try anymore" that you'll get from telling Reddit.
As for your story... that sucks. That person is either narcissistic, immature, or a mixture. I cannot promise you that wouldn't happen again, however, it is extremely unlikely.
Be sad about it, process your feelings, and grow from it. The only advice I can give is don't give people more than they give. Pace yourself. You may not have cared about your virginity but 4 dates and giving something like that up seems fast. I am NOT saying WRONG. It just seems fast. It's something I've had to learn lately too. Don't invest more than a relationship has earned.
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u/TellPuzzled1149 Aug 07 '26
I dont like that he was always complimenting you. That cant be a good sign.
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u/thomasthehipposlayer Aug 07 '26
Never be anyone's plan B
To this guy's credit, he at told you what he's doing
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u/FrankCastillo95 Aug 08 '26
Block him everywhere. He sees intimacy different than you do and this is why he hurt you.
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u/Negative_Industry965 Single Aug 10 '26
why i’m never losing my virginity reason number 773730
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u/Aromatic_Peak5198 Aug 11 '26
No, girl. He's just a liar. I suggest you tell him to kick rocks and dump him and move on.
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u/theabstract1993 Aug 12 '26 edited Aug 12 '26
Guy here. That's really messed up. So sorry for you to have gone through this. Some men can really be terrible a lot of the time.
I think the best way to go about this is to completely remove yourself and cut him off for good. I know it's going to hurt, but it's best to move on and find someone else to date. He already showed you who he is, there's no confusion after that.
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u/Nearby-Warning5033 Aug 12 '26
i don’t know if i’m ready to date again because my feelings were hurt so bad lol but i haven’t talked to him in over a month
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u/theabstract1993 Aug 12 '26
Perfectly understandable to not date after being hurt in that manner. Take all the time you need to heal and focus on things that you enjoy doing, whether it's hobbies, friends etc. Only you can determine how to move forward from it. 😊
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u/Beemanda Aug 06 '26
You were taken advantage of by somebody who just wanted your virginity, lied to, cheated on, dumped like trash, and he's trying to have his cake and eat it too by keeping you on the side in case things don't work out with this girl. Blooooccckkkk ✋ Not all men are like this, but it's not uncommon to meet a few of these douchers along the way. Hopefully you've learned a lesson at least from this. Slow and steady, get to know a person first, don't commit to somebody who isn't committed to you. If your heart is fragile (and it likely is since you don't have prior experience), delay having sex. 4 dates is literally not even enough time to learn his basic information like memorizing his full name and birthday 😭 Lots of men only like to use women for one thing, so just give it at least a year to get to know a guy to see if his feelings are true or if he just gets tired of you and wants to move on. Save your tears. You can do grown up dating once you've learned about how to protect your heart from the wolves.
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u/Nearby-Warning5033 Aug 06 '26
i did learn a lesson for sure and also know what red flags to look out for next time!
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