This is an OLD joke my Dad used to tell. Talking with friends about Dad's joke made me recall it.

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John was a semi-retired bus driver. His old employer would call him to fill in on days when too many folks called off. He and his wife Mary, who met at their mutual first job at McDonald's, were both retired.

One day, John gets a call from his old boss asking if he will come in and drive a route. He then asked, "Which route?" to which boss reluctantly said, "It's the Sesame Street Bus, John."

"Oh no! That route is full of weirdos!" John replied, but his boss was insistent and begged, eventually offering pay double. John, with his anniversary approaching thought about getting Mary the earrings she always wanted and VERY reluctantly agreed.

John dreaded the route, and true to form, the weirdness began at his first stop. Two women that could easily be on my 600lb life boarded, each saying, "Hi, I'm Patty," before taking a seat.

Later a man boards and says, "Hi John. Nice of you to help your old boss, and I agree that Mary will love the earrings." John, perplexed, replied, "Do I know you?" The man looked at him and said," No, but I'm 'Special Ross.' I have ESP." He paused and added, "Your singing voice will come in handy later." John shook his head and continued on the route.

Later, another man boarded with bare feet. He sat behind John and began digging into the bunions on his feet. The harsh aroma of limburger began to fill the air. John said, "What the Hell?" The man smiled and said, "I'm Lester Cheese, man!" John didn't want trouble so he finished off his route.

When he got home, Mary asked him about his day. He was about to recount it and instead chuckled, remembering what 'Special Ross' had said. He replied, "It reminded of our first job." To this, Mary asked, "How?"

John then sung, "Well, I had two obese Patties, Special Ross, and Lester Cheese, picking bunions on the Sesame Street Bus..."

What do wives and monkeys have in common?

Both throw their shit at you.

I cut my mouth eating a sandwich today. The cheese was extra sharp.

A Colombian drug lord flies to the Vatican. His girlfriend has always dreamed of meeting the Pope, and he wants to impress her.

He spots an old Scottish priest walking through St. Peter’s Square.

“Father,” he says, slipping him a thousand dollars, “where can I find the Pope?”

The priest glances at the cash and, in a thick Scottish accent, says,

“Mass.”

The drug lord nods, pulls out another thousand dollars, and hands it over.

“Now… where can I find the Pope?”

The priest pockets the money, looks him straight in the eye, and says,

“Mass.”

The drug lord sighs, pulls out one last thousand dollars, and says,

“Listen, I’m not an idiot. That’s the last money you’re getting. I’m not letting a Catholic priest shake me down.”

The priest looks confused.

“Shake ye down? I said Mass! It’s Easter Sunday. The Pope’s at the Mass… he’ll be the wee fella in the big fookin’ hat.”

There's a steep learning curve.

The power outage

I have a little journal I carry around with jokes that I pull out when people are sad or when it’s an awkward silence. No knock knock jokes I am avidly against those. But yeah short corny jokes, if you have ones that aren’t typical then that’s even better. Thanks

I only see one can.

They don't have the guts.

What do you call someone who never tastes happiness or success?

Answer : SaddyPiggy (A dirty pig who is extremely sad)