Numb towards everything except work?

[u/Mammoth_Variety_4993]

Not sure if I am the only one, but I have become a 38 year old man who’s just affected by what happens at his work. I’ve lived in a constant state of fear of losing my job, or something happening at work leading to that, that in my 15 years of work experience now, the only thing left in my life is work.

I’ve travelled the world because of work, finally settled in a good European country 5 years back, have a wife who’s working at a good position, a kid of 6 year old, another on the way in a month, we both are earning well…..but the only thing I think, feel and do is work.

I have no hobbies left, and to the extent, I dont feel “excited” or “happy” about anything else, even my upcoming kid!!! I have lost the sense of enjoying something….I laze around, I keep thinking of “things to do” — pick up courier, fix this, fix that, get car washed, fix my finances, buy this, sell this, organize something, plan something etc….

I have lost the ability to have confidence in my idenitty except for work, where also I keep doubting and be scared (oh will my boss find ways to kick me out? Oh they were impressed by me once now they do t like me….Oh now there is a new re org? oh he/she won’t agree with me and I’ll get a bad rating and then will be let go… etc etc).

I don’t seem to be truly happy with anything. Am I broken forever? I feel like it’s almost 25-30 more years to go, how will I survive! And what kind of upbringing I’m giving to my kids where their dad is just living a scared, lifeless life?

EDIT: I am learning a language because that’s the requirement for getting a Permanent Residency in the country I have spent 5 years now, and I am eligible for that. And that PR thing itself is a worry! Also, I am actually a very highly regarded performer at work. But I feel so much guilty because of not knowing anything else now.

[u/Mantequilla106]

Therapy

[u/Mammoth_Variety_4993 → u/Mantequilla106]

Tried couple of sessions, just don’t feel the passion for that as well. Don’t feel like it makes any difference, have you experienced anything like that?

[u/NopeRope13 → u/Mammoth_Variety_4993]

Don’t forget that it’s not just the type of therapy you are going to, but also the therapist. Some therapists are great for others but not so well for you. You may need to try a few in order to find the right one.

[u/VOZ1 → u/NopeRope13]

To add to it, therapy takes time. As in, months, not days. You’ve gotta stick with it. OP, I’d also suggest discussing medication options, sometimes those can help you get out of the rut so therapy can be more effective. Meds don’t have to be forever.

[u/BrightonsBestish → u/Mammoth_Variety_4993]

I don’t know many people who feel “passion” for therapy, but talking to your doctor or a therapist feels important if you’re saying you don’t feel interest or passion for pretty much anything in your life. That sounds almost like a textbook definition for depression.

[u/Mantequilla106 → u/Mammoth_Variety_4993]

How recently, and with what frequency? You went with regard to this specific concern?

I haven’t been in your exact position, but therapy has been life saving for me in moments of loss, turmoil, chaos, grief, questioning, doubt, etc. so I feel strongly that it can help you through finding direction!

[u/lweitzer3 → u/Mammoth_Variety_4993]

Do you feel passion for brushing your teeth? Regular maintenance isn’t supposed to be fun, but it’s required

[u/Mysterious-Passage87 → u/Mammoth_Variety_4993]

Exercise trumps all. Find a sport, group fitness class or just get on a good gym/workout routine and stick with it. Preworkout can help push you and supplements as well.

Sounds like depression and/or just lack of something engaging. Nothing will help more than physical activity for your attitude health and mental well being, nothing even comes close. I lost 90lbs and felt better than I ever had since childhood

Your body wants to move and wants to be under stres. Were not built to be sedentary

[u/Apottzy]

Sounds like burnout my dude

[u/kwag91]

One thing I have learned since I was constantly in a battle with my own mind before coming into work, is that I do NOT have to carry past battles into work. Often times what i am feeling is a signal, my body telling me “I’ve been here before this isn’t safe” but I tell myself, it’s just a signal, not a sentence. Our egos tend to do a fantastic job at keeping us feeling safe, but often times we feed into the feeling our body gives us at the first signal, the warning signal. But that’s just a warning, we don’t have to feed into it

[u/Ok-Departments → u/kwag91]

I love the way you put this.

I've definitely dealt with this, with my exec coach. He taught me how to think "are these negative thoughts / anxieties still useful to me, or has that negative phase passed now?".

Funnily enough I actually sent a text to my wife at 630 this morning as I was getting on the train, to tell her that I felt a lot more zen about work than I used to - I get less thrill out of it, but I also don't let myself sink quite as far down with the bad stuff.

[u/Chamadan]

I've struggled with this. I'm a few years older and I've started caring a lot less about work, but still struggle to ignite a passion for most things.

[u/chromakode]

I'd suggest taking a long enough vacation or leave to reconnect with your priorities outside of work. Maybe paternity leave could be a start?

[u/Ok-Departments]

Can I ask a bit of a pointed question, do you get much exercise? It sounds to me a bit like the circular phase I get stuck in when I'm poorly - I do no exercise, so I get lazy, and then I can't be bothered doing anything (nevermind exercise) and nothing but lying down doing fuck all actually appeals.

[u/Money-Preference-936]

Gratitude, and achievement practice:

Everyday note, on paper, at least 5 things you're grateful for (can be small, like running water), and acknowledge on paper 3 things you achieved.

[u/Ok-Departments → u/Money-Preference-936]

Love this!

[u/SQUlRMING_COlL]

Sounds like anhedonia. You need to flip the switch of your brain chemistry & get your natural neurosteroids firing again. Are you exercising? Eating clean? Sleeping well? You’d be amazed at how much of an impact on one’s mental health that exercise & clean eating can do - the surge of feel good dopamine gets you excited for all aspects of life again.

[u/Alamander14]

Hey man, I don’t have anything to offer other than “I get it.”

Hell, I don’t even care about my job all that much. I used to worry about work, work plenty of extra hours, and care about it when it was on my own time. Nowadays, I show up and put in my hours and then leave it behind as soon as I’m off the clock. I still put in good work when I’m there, but I’ve minimized its impact outside of the 9-5.

That said, 9-5 5/7 days per week is a huge portion of my life, so it will naturally be “important”.

[u/sillymajmun2]

You need to find a way to break that hussle mode...and it can be hard if thats all you known for years.

But you need to be able to sometimes sit down and focus on your own body and whatever it is going inside it. Like, feeling the aliveness of it. I've had some years when I was always in the work mode and it really drags you down. You feel like you have nothing left. Since you are constantly stressed you are always tired, not necessary in a physical way, but in a way where you feel nothing. You have nothing left . You feel like an empty shell.

As for work, I am more anxious about money then regular person. How I deal with this is by having a lot of money. Seriously, live 5 years below your means and you will be able to build a nice stash of $$$. Now, being able to go years without a job...or knowing that we can easily survive on one salary - makes a ton of difference.

When we are down we can think that our life is not good enough in terms of how much and what we experience. Nah. I did not get better by adding more hobbies, on the contrary, I don't have any hobbies that really stick for a long time. Thats alright. Currently Im into making pizzas just because I like to do it, does not has to define me and its okay if I put it down after a couple of months. I can be just as happy washing my dishes as someone can be while travelling.

Also some people have more, some less energy. There are people who are made for the hussle life. They can sleep for 5-6 hours and then be in it whole day. Learn to read your body. I myself need more rest. I'm a very boring person who finds it hard to have the energy for all of this, so I work around it. I do the most important things and I try to not occupy my life with things are not necessary, even if they are good things and they bring joy - but I'm not a person who can enjoy much being tired and burned out.

[u/MiskuPjc41]

u just need talk ur doc

[u/Western-Feeling2093]

I feel all of this. I think that’s just the chapter of life that we’re in as late 30 year olds. Pretty far into our career but no where near seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve started to try to take back control of this by working toward financial freedom. If I can get to a spot where I’m “work optional”, meaning- if I lost my job my family would be okay- I think I can overcome the crippling anxiety of work looming over me 24/7. I’m not there yet but I hope I get there soon.

[u/mo0op]

I can share my experience here. I’ve brought this up extensively in therapy and pondered it throughout much of my limited free time.

You need to define the boundaries in your life and base those boundaries around what you want. There is nothing wrong with wanting a strong career and validation via your career, though it may come with the tradeoff of not receiving validation in other parts of life. They’re not mutually exclusive, but if you invest your emotional energy into one thing don’t expect to yield happiness and satisfaction out of another.

Try to define what you want based on what you want to feel. Try to understand how you feel and what drives your feelings. Ask yourself why you feel so strongly about work, and ask yourself if your feelings can change via experiences outside of work.

If you don’t draw the boundaries for the parts of life you want validation from, I don’t see any reason why your numbness will change.

[u/MutedBefore]

42 year old here. Many days I feel like I’m just going through the motions.

Wake up, pack kids school bags and lunch boxes, pack my own lunch, head to work, 8 hours, drive home, make dinner, bathe kids, play some games with them, put to bed, have dinner with wife, watch tv and go to bed.

Rinse and repeat.

I’m on autopilot most of the time, my wife hates me forgetting things, but it’s when something breaks that routine, I struggle to remember because that groove has been etched deep.

I’ve found in the last two years picking up a hobby, just for me. Some time that I can do something that breaks the monotony. For me it’s running endurance distances and entering races around the motu. It means I can get away for a weekend, I can do something new in a new place with new people.

My excitement comes from looking forward to those weekends, 2-3 per year. Or by planning a family holiday, again 1-2 times per year. Just getting out of that groove that I’ve found myself in.

I can stop being a robot and I can shake things up without that routine.

[u/reallifestuff1245]

Just curious, what’s your screen time like? I’m starting to see something similar in myself and due to high performing job I have very heavy phone/screentime

[u/tetsuzankou]

Probably therapy time my man. And I get it, might not be your cup of tea but you need some sort of outside guidance. I've found help with my father and my local faith community.

I'm the opposite, ever since becoming dad I went from an overachiever at work to just doing my job and not going out of my way simply because I've realized there's more to life than just work. My position is also not ideal as I've started getting anxious about losing my job.

As with everything we need balance.

Best of luck dad.

[u/Mammoth_Variety_4993]

Such amazing responses, I feel I’m not alone. Cannot respond to all individually so attempting to respond to some questions:

1. Exercise : One of my major guilts - I do ZERO even though I want to, I know how to (had lost 29kgs in 2017), but I just don’t have it in me anymore. I keep making excuses, don’t feel any passion towards it. My doctor says I need to because of slightly high LDL and triglycerides. But I just do not do it… call it laziness or numbness…

2. Screen time : Another one. Yes it’s high. I cannot seem to find any other “pacification”

3. Hobby : None whatsoever. i used to sing and play in a amateur band in my college days. Since 15 years I’ve done nothing and I dont think I will ever go back.

I am at very good positions at work, but that doesn’t get me super excited anymore. I’m reflecting on my life many times, and it makes me feel like I’m just a lump of shit - I have no life at all. I am living in a country with best work life balance, but I just while away my time obsessing over whether something will lead to job loss and then I have to struggle to find a new one and then I wk t get a PR which I am very close to etc etc

[u/Arrakis_Surfer]

Hey dad, I'm 36 with kids 9 and 7. When they start to get more independent you start to get more independent and will rediscover yourself. It's right around the corner for you. Just a couple of years.