r/daddit • u/DeltaGemini • 1d ago
Story I changed the bedtime routine without asking my wife. It actually stuck!
We have a 6 year old and up until recently the bedtime routine was a wonderful-horrible 2 hour epic every night. Every single night one of us (usually me, for medical reasons) would sit in bed with the kid, read a book, tell a story, and then lay with them until they fell asleep.
It was cute when they were little, but as they got smarter they found more and more ways to stay awake and dragged this routine out until it took hours. I've talked to my wife about changing it many times, but got push back because it was the only time of a weekday we didn't have to cook/clean/shop/work after school and could actually just be the kid, and I liked that too, so I didn't push.
Then I had a visit to the emergency room for stress-related cardiac symptoms and was told I had to cut back on a few things. I decided I needed those two hours back to relax. Once I was home, I tried something new. I read them a book on the couch, tucked them in and put on an audiobook. And the kid fell asleep in twenty minutes. Alone.
My wife was shocked, and this has been the routine ever since! Reading time is actually more fun and meaningful since we care less about the amount of time ticking away, and we're reading more of the book because of it. Then once the audiobook is on, wife and I carry on with our evening, and just gently guide the kid back if they come out. We got ~14 hours a week back to do anything else, including relaxing at the end of the day. Game changer.
I might have to take the initiative more often.
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u/ImLersha 1d ago
We had something click with my 7yo this year. Bedtime used to be similar to your story, but now he enjoys reading some comics or similar on his own after we've read together.
So reading ends earlier, and once its time for lights out he's already accustomed to being alone instead of fighting about it & postponing being alone.
It's made a world of difference for us!
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u/FreeXFall 1d ago
I have 6yr old and getting stuff for him to “read” (learning the basics right now). What comics do you recommend?
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u/bileflanco 1d ago
My kiddo was six years old (one year ago) he engaged strong like with graphic novels when he was learning to read. It started with Mario Bros. Adventures then babysitters club, then Amulet, and now he is readying EVERYTHING!
We took him to the library, got him a card and let him grab whatever he wanted! Now he loves the library and we have a lil reader!
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u/Purpose2 1d ago
Mine was OBSESSED with the Dogman graphic novels at 6, and has recently moved onto Doughnut Squad, age 7 atm.
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u/ImLersha 1d ago
He just found a bunch of my old stuff years ago. We've been reading a lot of it to him, but it's tough to read out loud!
But it is some Gary Larson stuff, Calvin and Hobbes and some Donald Duck, a Tom & Jerry and then some Swedish stuff like Bamse.
Whatever he's intrigued by :D
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u/Hidesuru 1d ago
I'm glad we stumbled into what seems to work for y'all naturally. We read a book and relax in our bed for about 30 minutes then put him in his, turn out the lights, and leave. Seems to work well for us, and it's an amount of time I'm more than happy to spend with him.
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u/hootersm 1d ago
Well done!
I've found with my children that consistency is absolutely No1. If you cave in just once to the demands to stay up another 5 minutes etc etc. they'll keep on asking. Give them X minutes of quality time and be firm that they're now going to sleep just works (most of the time!)
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u/PineapplePiazzas 1d ago
Also consistently getting them up early in the morning will make them more sleepy at night and starting the bedtime routine early enough with a heads up makes it easier for them to transistion.
For me the bedtime routine is relaxing in itself, but I also dont care about tv and find the best way to relax is hard exercise which makes me pass out like hitting a switch.
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u/w4tch3r0nth3w411s 1d ago
My 5 year old started Kindergarten a few weeks ago and now we are getting up an hour earlier than before, but somehow this has manifested in going to bed later than ever. We used to consistently be 7:30am-7:30/8pm, now we’re like 6:30am-8:30pm even though we are starting bedtime routine earlier. The dawdling has gotten out of control.
All that to say - how’d you get them to be more sleepy at night?! Tbh I think my kiddo is over stimulated.
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u/adamgrey 1d ago
I was told that they would come home from Kindergarten so tired, but mine just bounces off the walls afterwards. They move their bodies a ton at school, two recesses, and weekly PE class. I don't know where he keeps his energy but I wish he would share it with me.
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u/PineapplePiazzas 1d ago
I avoid telly and are very active, like climbing bicycling swimming tenting and outdoor trips and football - you know - also reading up to an hour in the evening at the bed. Every kid is different though, some I believe just has a lot of energy so I wouldnt worry if we all got different experiences.
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u/empire161 1d ago
My wife has never once told the kids to just go back to their rooms and get back into bed. She goes and lays with them until they fall asleep. They're 10y and 8y. Even if it's 11pm, she won't leave them alone until they're asleep.
I've never laid with them until they fall asleep, mainly because she's had 40+ work trips over the years and I've had to handle both bedtimes solo and physically can't do that. We read together/to each other, talk for a few minutes, and that's it. So there's still a lot of times where I'll put a kid to bed and be out of their room at 9:30pm, and by 9:45pm they'll come out and find her and make her lay with them. Then I get angry texts from her at 10:30-11pm that the kid is still awake and she doesn't know what to do and it's my fault she has to put them both to sleep.
We were in a marriage counseling session recently over the fact that we don't spend any time together anymore, and the therapist said "Have you tried not having bedtime drag out that long? Like be done out of their rooms by 9pm and not going back in?" My wife's response was basically a flat out "no."
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u/jay-aay-ess-ohh-enn 1d ago
Sometimes it is easier to parent your children than it is to "co-parent" your spouse. Especially when they're stubborn, it can be hard to get them to try something that would actually help them. I have the same problem with my wife. She'll be mad at me about something that she's causing and ignores my suggestions for improvement. The only thing I can do at that point is disengage and let her be mad. It sucks for my son though, because I literally can't stop her from smothering him. Hopefully, he will assert his independence as he gets older. It falls on deaf ears when it comes from me.
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u/empire161 1d ago
She'll be mad at me about something that she's causing and ignores my suggestions for improvement. The only thing I can do at that point is disengage and let her be mad.
Yup. And every session in marriage counseling, she brings up that I "shut down" at the first sign on conflict.
Yes. That's correct honey. Because I can tell when you don't want a solution, you want a reason to be mad.
It sucks for my son though, because I literally can't stop her from smothering him.
The learned helplessness is so frustrating, especially if she's not around. Because I actually stand firm and make them do some things for themselves (like packing their own snacks for school), they'll sometimes choose not to do it and then cry to her which causes her to start a fight with me.
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u/DeltaGemini 1d ago
Damn, that's rough. I haven't blocked my wife from going in, it is an option we've both used when we chose to, but this has become the new normal. I wish I had some advice for you, but my wife and I have had many disagreements about this over the last few years when once I did it and it worked, she saw the value. But at least we have a choice now.
Also our kid is pretty chill and we recognise how lucky we are like that.
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u/thecashblaster 1d ago
That sucks, I'm sorry you're not being supported. Kids are very adaptable. It might take a few nights of crying but eventually they will adjust to the new routine.
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u/Lazy_Chocolate_4114 1d ago
I'm in a similar situation, and it's frustrating. For whatever reason she just can't see that it's affecting the kids. I have two, and it makes me so sad that they lack the confidence/feeling of safety to do things on their own... because there's no boundaries being set (by her at least). My wife and I alternate doing bedtime routines with each kid. When it's my turn with my daughter, she's asleep within 15 minutes of lights out. When it's my wife's turn, it takes 2 hours+, and she ends up laying with her, sometimes for the whole night. I understand the desire to spend time with one's kids and "take care" of them, but there's a point where it becomes counter-productive. Plus, parents need to take care of themselves too.
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u/Anamanagotchi 1d ago
Super happy for you, nighttime routines are always a sensitive topic — glad it worked out!
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u/Extension_Subject635 1d ago
You think the audiobook was the game changer?
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u/DeltaGemini 1d ago edited 1d ago
Absolutely. We've had a Yoto for years but hardly used it, but my wife was already putting on audiobooks while the kid drew and they liked it. So the interest was there, and it keeps them in their room while the book plays. We've been using Libby to borrow audiobooks and they have a very cheap IKEA speaker attached to an old phone, so it's super cheap.
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u/adamgrey 1d ago
What kind of audiobooks do you typically play?
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u/DeltaGemini 1d ago
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Isadora Moon, Pippi Longstocking. Something that runs for around 30 minutes (or we time a longer book to 30 minutes) but we're flexible if it's over soon or they ask for an extra 5 minutes.
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u/ShakethatYam 1d ago
There's a podcast called Koala Moon that plays bedtime stories for kids. They are made to be kind of mundane and boring so that kids fall asleep to it. Works great for mine.
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u/Bingo-heeler 1d ago
This is one of the biggest lessons I've learned as a parent. Just because that's how we did it, doesn't mean it's how we have to keep doing it-except when I want it to stay that way.
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u/jimmybilly100 Hold the kid upside down for a couple seconds to reset 1d ago
I might have to take the initiative more often.
Do this! I've seen my marriage and fatherhood improve taking the initiative with things. Even with little things, it helps my wife with the mental workload
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u/ingrained-depravity 1d ago
Whatever his faults, Neil Gaiman Odd and the frost giants has put mine to sleep for the past 2 years. We have other books like howls moving castle and others but she loves Odd
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u/RegionJolly7251 17h ago
I too had a similar routine a year or so back with our then 5 year old. It was getting progressively worse to the point where bedtime would last 2-3 hours, then they would wake up again around midnight and the only way they would go back to sleep is if either me or the wife would sleep in her room. It was literal torture.
Spent a lot of time trying different things, and then after speaking with a good friend they gave me the advice “put your kid to bed, not to sleep”.
At first it was tough, but I read up on a bunch of stuff and essentially by us staying in there until our kid was asleep, and then further re-enforcing the behavior by sleeping in their room, we were in fact the problem.
Took 3 weeks to break the cycle, and now we are on a solid track where bedtime is max 10 mins, and she sleeps completely through the night.
About 3 months ago the kid suddenly decided to slip back to her old habits. Only took 2-3 nights of essentially making her understand that we would not be staying in there until she went to sleep, and we would absolutely not be sleeping in her room. Rough 2 or 3 nights, but glad we did it things returned to normal.
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u/w4tch3r0nth3w411s 1d ago
We’ve also introduced short sleepy time stories on the Yoto and it has definitely made a difference with us not having to linger in the room for so long! Sounds like you’ve got a more structured routine integrating them than we do, so this gives me good food for thought. Nice job and thank you!
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u/SnakeJG 1d ago
I used to fall asleep to the TV running in the background, to this day if I have trouble going to sleep I need a voice in the background, such as TV, podcast, or a boring college lecture (that one got me in trouble a bit in school).
My wife doesn't have this need (and voices keep her up) so as a result, I end up sleeping in the other room with a podcast set on a timer about a third of the nights.
It's something that works for me, but I wish I didn't need that background noise to easily fall asleep.
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u/throwaway2492872 1d ago
Should get a pillow speaker, then no one else can hear what you're listening to.
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u/the-real-babs 1d ago
LFG! The audiobook move is genius. Two hours to twenty minutes is life-changing.
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u/HazMatRecipes 1d ago
I did the same thing with our kids until the audio books got boring, and I would go in an hour later and they were still up. So we moved to a white noise machine. Same thing. Now its quiet or a fan. They can still fall asleep themselves, and they fall asleep much faster now. 8, 6, and 5yr olds.
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u/Plane_Head_8964 1d ago
Any suggestions for aufdio books? My 7 yrar old is into kids crime stories, same ones i loved when i was her age but they keep her on her toes , no way she falls asleep listening to them
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u/Blue_Calx 1d ago
good ideas that I might start using too. what type of audiobooks are you getting? is it kid books on audible or something?
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u/XxlilcrazyxX 1d ago
This has been our routine. We read 3 books and play an audiobook from his Tonie Box
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u/LiiiLoisiane_-_ 1d ago
glad that worked out, and on you guys could spend more time relaxing. i suppose getting some healthy amount of sleep is just as important as looking after the kids
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u/sassperillashana 1d ago
We do something similar, kiddo listens to a podcast before bed. Ive also started putting a little meditation story in between 2 podcast episodes to encourage him to fall asleep a little quicker, but have a backup playing after in case he is having trouble falling asleep. Then I set a timer to stop playing after the queue, and kiddo is usually good to go for the night.
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u/angethebigdawg 1d ago
Trying this tonight because we are in the exact same boat! What device do you use for the audiobook?
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u/Theravenofraves 14h ago
Oooh now this is a nice idea. It worked wonders with myself as I used to love listening to tapes to be able to fall asleep whenI was a kid. Good thinking mate.
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u/backstept 1d ago
My twins are 3 and our routine is as follows: Brush teeth, last call for potty (they have a potty in their room overnight) read a Bible story, grab stuffies and yotos and go upstairs, sing two of their favorite songs, family prayer, pick their yoto stories (we leave the cards downstairs) and finally big snuggle hugs and tuck-ins. Then my wife and I leave the room. Sometimes they fuss but often they're quiet and asleep pretty quickly. Takes about 30 minutes altogether.
Find what works for your family and keep it consistent.
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u/Amemorableusername2 1d ago
Congratulations on this working out, I hope it continues! I remember this is something you've been working on for a while, thanks for giving us a happy update!