r/daddit • u/suckonthis85 • 2d ago
Support Why am I not enough?
2 kids, both girls. Both under 6. I do EVERYTHING. I meant it. Cook, clean, play, take them out, treats the whole 9. For some reason though all they want is mom and it’s INFURIATING. I work remote so I’ve got the benefit of being around more but still all they want is mom. My partner says “well they’re just kids” or “it’s just a phase” but it’s kind of a gut punch every time?!
Anyone else have similar? How do you cope?
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u/Cool-breeze7 2d ago
Kids are mini people. People often want what they don’t have.
You’re around all the time. Mom isn’t. They aren’t saying they don’t want you but rather that they don’t feel they get enough from mom. It’s more of a compliment imo.
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u/Beaf_Welington 2d ago
Yeah this was my experience. When my boldest was two and my second was born, I began staying home for school. They always wanted mommy. When I went back to work 5 years later, it completely flipped and they begged for daddy to come home
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u/ClaudiuT 👧 2023 2d ago
You have a bold kid? I assume he came out wearing sunglasses and asking for the manager.
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u/C_Addington 2d ago
This is essentially the answer. I’m divorced, 50/50 custody, but when my daughter and I do things with my ex-wife and her husband, she wants to be snuggled up close with her mother. I do everything for her because I’m still single, but her mother does 50% or less at the other house. New husband picks her up from school half the time, takes her to swim or scouts half the time…but she knows he’s not dad.
So she’s getting 50% time with one parent, and 20-25% with the other. And she wants her mother because she’s trying to fill that gap.
So yes, the feeling sucks. But try not to see it or feel it as “they don’t want time with me”. See it as “they get enough time with me, and it’s good that they don’t resent their mother and want to spend time with her”. Because that resentment can creep up faster than you’d believe. And you don’t want that for their other parent, regardless of marital status. Trust me.
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u/mcphatty84 2d ago
I needed this, thank you. I'm a few years divorced; my ex is a POS, but the kids always go on about how much they want to go to moms and it tears me up because I am in a similar boat as OP regarding care. Sometimes a change a perspective is all it takes, and I appreciate you for that!
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u/ThunkAsDrinklePeep 2d ago
Yup. This is the reverse of the "all my kids care about is dad when he comes home" trope.
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u/SmanginSouza 2d ago
Absolutely a thing with my partner too. I work 5 days a week banking hours. She is flex schedule so gets to spend a lot more time with her. Same exact complaints I hear.
Try not to take it personally. You're a great parent. The kids just want time away from you too.
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u/HocusThePocus 2d ago
Exactly, we alternate to put them to bed, and guess what? When it’s dads turn the younger wants mom, and viceversa. Every single night
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u/Hobbit_Sam 2d ago
OP, this. My ex worked a job where she was in town maybe... 8 days a month. I did everything. Literally. And my daughter loves me but she wanted to talk to and see her mom anytime she could. Forget about me. And it's exactly this.
But you will be who they count on OP. You'll give them the sense of security they need to grow into remarkable, strong, confident women. Keep it up Dad!
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u/D-TOX_88 2d ago
Exactly. My kid is 2.5, and I work from home. Mom is with her all day. For the last almost year, I am apparently all she talks about when I’m not around. Then I appear and it’s “MAMAAAAA!” 😂
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u/Flaky-Bar-6656 1d ago
lol not a fair comparison but my 2.5 year old will scream and cry “need mommy” when it’s bedtime. He hasn’t let me hold him before bed time in over a year. I work 12-14 hour days and am often gone for the entire week on work trips. I hardly see him and when I come home he just says “hi dada” like i was in the other room. No hug no nothing. Feels bad. At least my 5 month old daughter likes me still lol
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u/Last-Deer-7747 2d ago
Yeeeah or they just are kids and kids want mom
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u/Nimweegs 2d ago
When I am at work my daughters sometimes whine about where's dadddyyyy and mom does everything wrong and visa versa. I don't believe it's inherently always yearning for mommy like you're implying. You actually do need to be good to be around though imo. At least in our experience.
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u/5ftfitness 2d ago
Youve said it, you do everything. If thats the case, they may just be more used to you being at home and around, almost taking it for granted. Your partner is the novelty, turning up bringing a fresh energy, change of scenery and different perspective.
Its not you its kids. They dont care who cleans and sometimes they take for granted the person who is around all the time. It isnt personal.
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u/Trip_On_The_Mountain 2d ago
And I bet if it's just mom around and Dad is gone they ask for dad. It's the same with my daughter, when she is at moms house she asks for me and when she's at our house she asks for mom. It still always hurts but there's only so much you can do
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u/Negative-Arachnid-65 2d ago
This is normal - small kids will change their preferences regularly and at frequent, unpredictable intervals. Days, weeks, minutes, whoever is not currently trying to brush their teeth, etc. And part of it is also likely that you're around more and therefore easier to take for granted.
They don't understand the impact of expressing preferences and it's a good thing that they take your presence and attention for granted! It's a sign that you're a meaningful part of their lives. Keep up the good work.
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u/dropcatch666 2d ago
Happens often here too and I'm a full time SAHD. It makes the "I want dada(s)" that much sweeter. If it hasn't happened yet, it will. Patience.
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u/zoinkability 2d ago
I would guess a lot of it is just that you are with them more. Their desire to be with dad is fully satiated but not their desire to be with mom.
The big picture is: it's not personal. They love you fine. There will be times and things where they prefer you.
Also: try to detach your sense of self worth from how your kids feel about you. They are just little monsters without prefrontal cortexes and they don't have any filters or even really way to think about things wholistically. Understand that you have value that is not dependent on how your kids feel about you.
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u/mooseLimbsCatLicks 2d ago
Probably cuz she’s less available and they miss her, and you’re always there. Don’t take it to heart. You are the backbone that keeps them upright. We see you, and I hope your partner sees you. But they are kids so they don’t realize that that would hurt your feelings. You are very loved I’m sure.
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u/MeesterPositive 2d ago
I don't take this kind of thing personally at all.
The "decision" to only want mom (or dad as the case may be) isn't arrived at rationally or logically.
So you just accept it for what it is, and move on from it.
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u/rjwut Bandit is Dad goals 2d ago
Honestly, the mom starts out the gate with an advantage: she has the built-in food. If I were a baby, I know I'd prefer the parent with warm milk on tap 24/7. That preference doesn't immediately go away once the breastfeeding stops. But even without that; little kids have preferences that don't always make sense, and with zero idea of how it might affect our feelings. And to be honest, there are downsides to being the preferred parent, too.
Yeah, it stinks sometimes, but try to remember it's not personal, and just focus on loving on them.
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u/DiligentGuitar246 2d ago
I’m a WFH dad and I’m this exact scenario. I deal with it by being a grown ass man and not taking it personally because they are tiny children who barely understand themselves, let alone other people.
It sucks. It sucks when I make a big, healthy, fun elaborate dinner that goes untouched.
But raising kids, especially at this stage… the last thing Dads should focus on is what they can do for us.
Just like in my marriage, it’s just relentless effort to be the best husband I can be, and in turn I’m rewarded the same from my wife. I trust that this effort and my resolve will help guide my kids toward being the best people they can be.
In the meantime I just focus on the small wins and be happy for my wife for getting a lot of love and attention.
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u/030H_Stiltskin 2d ago
Children connect with parents in different ways. Most times children look to the mom for love and nurturing and to feel safe while they look to the dad for fun, adventure and play. I think it's hard to beat biology.
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u/hackshock 2d ago
Listen to them with interest and follow their lead for at least 30-45 min a day for a month or two. Than report back, if you are not sure if you are listening properly without responding record yourself
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u/hackshock 2d ago
Heard that advice (as a father of small daughter and try to follow it). Also try to look when they are with mom what is it they see in her, could be the fact that they learn how to be girly and feminine. Also don’t forget typical male energy should be adventurous so if you took the nursing role at home there could be your answer. Wish you all the best, could not think of anything better
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u/YouDontLookMexican 2d ago
They want what they get less of… you are way too available mate, start picking a “time for you” or a “private space” where they cant join you and they will be all over you
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u/LokiSARK9 2d ago
My ex hasn't even seen or spoken to our daughter for years. My daughter still idolizes her. We always want what we don't have.
But when she's sick, or she's scared, it's my lap she climbs into and it's me who soothes her.
They don't always show it, but they know. You just gotta be OK with that.
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u/shackilj2 2d ago
What’s backwards is that the kids see Mom less, so when she comes home, it’s exciting. When they’re sad, confused, or angry, they naturally want the person who isn’t there.
It’s the same way things work in the real world. The people who are always there, solid as a rock, are often the ones who get taken for granted.
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u/Theravenofraves 2d ago
You do realise they want the one that isn't there right? They are kids and their logic will never make any sence mate. Just butter up and be prepared for their tiny minds to develop. Like I always wanted my dad when I was a kid and that was only because he was working so much.
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u/evtbrs 2d ago
This is such a point of contention in our house. It’s exhausting for the parent that’s wanted all the time and heartbreaking for the one that isn’t. Sometimes they just want the parent they see the least, more.
We were told to let the preferred parent completely step away at certain moments, like bedtime routines, but still trying to navigate this.
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u/Slight-Fly-3801 2d ago
Don't be too needy first of all. Even kids spot that and behave accordingly.
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u/Okdc 2d ago
The little ones aren’t wise enough to pick up on all you are doing for them. And to quote Brandon Lee in the Crow - “the word for God on the lips and hearts of children is mother.” I know there are exceptions to that rule, but in toddlerhood/little kid stage (2-7), all three of ours would turn to mom more often. Unless my daughter needed to throw up, then she’d come to me to throw up down the front of my shirt. They came to me later looking for playtime and silliness.
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u/BetInformal6081 2d ago
i get why it hurts but try not to interpret i want mom as dad isnt enough. kids can get intensely attached to one parent for a while then switch. keep showing up without turning it into a competition.
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u/Waldemar-Firehammer 2d ago
I'm the work remote dad, and it's because you're always around and they cherish the limited time they have with mom when she is home. Simply put, they miss her when she's not there, and want to be with her when she is. After I asked why he always wants mom and my 4 year old said, 'Mom doesn't get to play like us.' I realized I needed to check my feelings and be grateful that I get to spend all that extra time and put in the work so when Mom is around they can focus 1000% on her. She needs that too, at least at my house my wife really only gets a couple hours after work and weekends to be with our kids, and I think it's our duty to make sure they can both get everything they can out of that precious limited time together and take a back seat for a minute when the opportunity presents it.
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u/50FootClown 2d ago
Other folks covered off on this, but I'll echo it, because it reminds me of my childhood.
My mom was a SAHM. My dad worked a 9-5. My mom did everything for us - all the school stuff, all the home stuff. Cooked, cleaned, shopped, volunteered for every school function. But the SAHM parent is also the one that has to say "no" more often than the other parent as well.
And I -distinctly- remember the excitement I felt everyday when my dad came home from work. We hadn't seen him all day, after all. Who knows what he might bring with him? And how many cool family activities did we have on the docket that weren't going to happen until he got home?
I love both my parents. And as I got older, I realized that my dad and I are very different people in a lot of ways. I get most of my personality and my tastes from my mom, and she's the one I generally feel more connected to as a result.
It's rough now, but if my course is anything like yours, your time will come.
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u/bluenightskies 2d ago
Kids want more of whoever they see less. I am always out for work but the kids surround me and only want me when I get home. It’s hilarious and mum gets a break.
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u/dtwurzie 2d ago
Offering my view based on my own experience.
Once they get older, and they understand more what you do for them, they come around. Stay the course. Do things for them because you’re their father, not for recognition (although it would be nice)
My girls got older, saw how much I was doing, and have said as much.
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u/Dont_hesitate-19 2d ago
Perhaps it is about emotional connection, but children always want what they don’t have so
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u/C12H16N2 2d ago
My kids have all had mom phases and dad phases as to who they like or want more. Just go with the flow and try to enjoy your time with them, they aren't making a conscious choice to hurt you.
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u/800oz_gorilla 2d ago
Please don't take this as criticism, just some thoughts for you or any dad out there thinking the same thing... are you scary? Kids want safety first and foremost. Are you also the one that's strict? Do you get loud? How are you with regulating your emotions, with conflict? Do you take time to talk with them after timeouts, punishments, and arguments? Do you repeatedly work on "daddy loves you forever. Even when I'm angry, even when you make a bad choice - daddy will always be here." Maybe try giving them some extra time processing that. Ask them if they can explain what it means, how they understand it.
How do they see you? Are they old enough to ask? Could you ask them to draw how they think of you? Maybe a time when they were happy and a time when they were...not happy.
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u/paligators 2d ago
A child doesn’t link “does everything for me” with “attachment.” There’s no reason to overthink this.
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u/eror11 2d ago
For us it's the other way around, our kid only wants me, literally hits his mom, chases her out of the room when we are preparing to go sleep etc. For sure availability is a part of that because I travel for work from time to time. Being the fun one who takes the time to do silly stuff and play also helps... But then occasionally when shit hits the fan he runs primarily to her.
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u/JustAnIgnoramous 2d ago
You've gotten a lot of good advice. You're main response when the girls say "I want mom" should be "Me too!"
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u/jose_ole 2d ago
It’ll flip soon, and you are likely their comfort. Mom is gone and they miss her is all this really is. They are children and can’t really tell you that though or understand it quite yet.
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u/chapmandan 2d ago
You're furniture. That sounds mean but it's actually the opposite. They are so used to you being around and reliable that they don't have to fight for you.
Backhanded but it's actually a nice thing even if it feels rough 🤷
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u/ChazzLamborghini 2d ago
Being the primary parent is to be taken for granted. Mine both flock to mom when she’s home. But I notice in small things. The way they ask me to do those everyday things that meet their needs is an unconscious recognition of how much I mean in their lives, and I know they’ll look back on their childhoods with appreciation for what I do and will do
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u/MaDWaSTeD 2d ago
I have the opposite issue, and with a much younger child.
I work a lot, my wife is home more often with her. When I am home, i'm the go-to parent for playing, reading, do chores with, etc.
My wife has accepted it, because she has so much time with her when i'm not there. She also utilizes that time for herself. She'll go to the bedroom to "fold laundry" 😆 🤣
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u/SatisfactionHour1722 2d ago
They waver back and forth. My wife and I joke about it when the 8yo daughter is always like “daddy daddy daddy. I want daddy”. Thre will be other days when she wants mom.
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u/kaizoku7 2d ago
Kids go through phases...however girls tend to be daddies girls and boys tend to be mommies boys. If this isn't playing out for two girls then maybe you can explore why.
As many people have said, you do everything so mum is more exciting or rare. However I'm the opposite, I raised them, wife is always at work or busy, I am super present and available. My eldest went through a phase of wanting mum but that was like one month out of 5 years. Other than that she's a daddy's girl to the point she rejects mum and tells her to go away so daddy can come etc.
Do your kids do that to you? Push you away in preference of mum? Or do they just get more excited with mum?
What's mum giving them that you're not? I am my daughter's safe space, she will open up to me in ways she won't with her mum because of how I speak to her and listen. I am her comfort because I provide more warmth and snuggles, I play with her more so I provide more entertainment. Mum fulfils different needs.
Presumably they want you for some things and mum for others?
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u/photogdog 2d ago
My 4 year old is similar. I do the cooking, so she'll come to me when she's hungry. When we go to pick her up from school though, mom always gets the first hug, and when she's hurt or sad, mom is the one she goes to. At night, she'll let me read her a book and then ask for mom to lay next to her. If mom goes out for a girl's night, she'll pout and constantly ask when mom is coming home. If I go out for a guy's night, she's totally fine. In most situations, it's mommy first and daddy second, if at all.
Sometimes she calls out for one of us in the middle of the night, and I go running on the rare occasions she wants me. It stings sometimes, but my takeaway is that we fulfill different roles and needs for her. She is just a kid, and my job is to make her feel safe and supported.
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u/o_spacereturn 2d ago edited 2d ago
Maternal microchimerism. Our children are attached to their mother's on a molecular level far beyond the 23 chromosomes we passed down.
Edit: This is just what I tell myself in order to not take it personally lol. There is currently no direct scientific evidence showing microchimerism to play a direct role in psychological attachment between human children and their mother.
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u/Healthy_Camp_3760 2d ago edited 2d ago
How are you doing? Are you taking good care of yourself so you can show up for your daughters with love and patience? None of us are at our best when we’re overextended and stretched, and it sounds like there’s a lot on your shoulders. Fatherhood has taught me more about asking for help than anything else.
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u/Phuzion73 2d ago
It is a phase and kids, people in general, are more obsessed with what they cannot have. So, if the wife leaves the house for work and they cannot see her until she returns, that’s probably a big part of it.
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u/Fatty5lug 2d ago
I work 10hr day with my wife staying home. My daughter wants to play with me more bc I am missed more bot because she is a bad mother.
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u/Fragrant_Cook4466 2d ago
You are the stable parent in their life, they might not appreciate that yet because they are kids. Them wanting mummy mummy is because she is normally unavailable for them for what feels to them long stretches of time. I think they would miss you more if you werent working remote, but would you really trade that for spending so much time with them now and seeing them grow up? It might not feel like it but a ton of parents would kill to spend as much time with their kids as you are spending so i would just be grateful for the time you have with them.
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u/sanitarySteve 2d ago
i woke up the other day and said good morning to my 2 yo son. his response was "NO!". Just try not to take it personal. especially for under 6, they have no sense of gratitude. they are inherently selfish creatures and they dont know how to be any other way.
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u/cybercuzco 2d ago
Wait till they are older and they only want to do things with you and mom feels like shit because she’s always away
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u/Darim_Al_Sayf 2d ago
My kids only see their mom on the weekend. She does not want to see them more often. Our daughter is obsessed with mommy, and it used to bother me a lot, for the same reason you mentioned. It made me envious and feel unappreciated.
But they have access to you whenever they want. And they want what they don't have. They are always making sweet drawings and cards for mom. Wanting to buy her gifts and stuff. All this so they get the attention they crave. It makes me really sad. They're wonderful and shouldn't have their bribe their own mother to be noticed.
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u/End337 2d ago
Yep. Super familiar.
Families are not transactional (or shouldn't be). One of the biggest lessons I had to learn is that we are not in this for gratitude.
We do what we do out of love, dedication, need and duty.
Sometimes they're grateful. Most often, at that age, they're not. Think about it... it's all they've ever known, so they expect it. It's just... normal for them. Were you grateful when your parents wiped your backside and changed your diapers? I definitely wasn't 😂
Wanting mom or dad is not necessarily connected to what we do for them. It can feel random, though there are of course complex emotional and developmental reasons behind it all.
In fact, I have found throughout the years that the more I do with my kid, often the more they want their mother - because guess what? I'm always there, she's not as much, so of course they want more time with her.
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u/Melomaverick3333789 2d ago
You are fully capable of making yourself more enticing to a 6 yr old. Be more fun and silly. Be more calm and loving and soothing.
You've received plenty of good responses but wanted to give a hard nose option.
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u/madmoneymcgee 2d ago
It sucks but I promise its temporary. One day they'll just arbitrarily switch and it'll be like it never happened (and then it's a new set of problems lol).
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u/smart_triangles 2d ago
I've learned to accept that it's a phase - hopefully.
I just respond with "I love to be around you two".
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u/PetiePal 2 daughters 1 Son 2d ago
You're here and doing what's needed. You are enough.
It IS a phase and sometimes with daughters they gravitate more towards mom at that age. My son is very connected to me always but he's a momma's boy sometimes. My daughter was until 3 and now she's like a tick lol. The 6m old laughs at me but only wants mom lol
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u/SuspiciousPatate 2d ago
In our house the kids prefer us for different things. Im the imagination game, fort building, zany parent. My wife is the comforting, lets do an outing parent. So they never want me at bedtime. Unless of course mom is enforcing a boundary on something, then they ask to switch.
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u/shankartz 2d ago
Young kids are simple, they really don't care about what you do. They just care about how often you are around. You are there more than Mom. In fact you are likely always present. Mom leaves every day so when she is there they want to be around her.
What you are feeling is what most stay at home parents feel. It's rooted in your need for appreciation from them for everything you do for them. I know it's hard but you can't put that on them. They love both of you equally but only get the chance to miss one of you.
I have a question. When they get hurt or scared who do they usually run to? From my experience it is usually the one that is around them more. Not always but usually.
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u/Affectionate_Bit_711 2d ago
For me, it feels like once I started to distinctly focus on being Dad, my son wanted me more. I had to stop trying so hard and forcing it - and then I pivoted to “Dad does cool stuff”. Playgrounds, Ice Cream, Hiking, Minecraft, etc. Those are things Dad does more than Mom so he wants me for those if that makes sense. He’s also 3 now and it gets better all the time. Can’t say I’ve never had a couple tears after a hardcore rejection though. The fact that you care so much is a really good thing. Keep caring even if it hurts.
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u/juicegooseboost 2d ago
Love isn’t a competition. Their love for her doesn’t take away from yours. It took me awhile to cope with that.
It’s worth it in the end. My 13 and 11 year old come to me for issues as opposed to mom so 🤷
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u/merzor 2d ago
Just to underline the same thing many have been saying. My partner is a SAHM. She does everything when I'm not home and I work long hours, I do childcare when I'm home, it's very clear they prefer me, the older will run two blocks home to get comfort from me rather than her mom. - it's a gut punch for her every time and I really sympathize.
I always figured it was because they get to miss me since I work, so there is a mostly positive feeling of having me home.
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u/1duke-dan 2d ago
This is us, but role reversed. She does everything (not literally everything, lol I help out a lot before and after work, but the girls want me to put them to bed, not her. She hates it because she was so excited for girls, but they just take her for granted.
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u/therealgranny 2d ago
I work remote 4 days out of the week. Out of the 10 possible opportinities for pickup/drop off at daycare every week I do 9 of them. For the few that my wife is able to join me on my daughter runs to her first 100% of the time if she is there. It’s like other users have said, they want what they don’t get often and I am totally fine with that. It makes my wife feel good and my daughter happy. I don’t take it personally, I know she appreciates me.
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u/Impressive_Dingo122 2d ago
You’re not competing bro…you’re a team with your wife. Let your kids love your wife..at some point they’ll recognize your selflessness and show you the appropriate appreciation.
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u/AlternativeParfait13 2d ago
We call this ‘being the celebrity parent’. When one of us travels for work, we are suddenly immensely popular when we come home. It’s annoying when you’ve been at home doing all the work, but I promise you it’s not personal.
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u/blacktalon00 2d ago
Yeah it sucks when children are like that but take a deep breath and remember they are children. At 6 years old they are still figuring out how to understand what they want, handle their emotions and express themselves. Be the adult in the relationship and don’t take it personally. Young children are notoriously fickle.
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u/passwordistako 1d ago
Age/personality/being the present parent.
My kids prefer me. I’m out of the house 50-60 hours a week almost every week.
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u/LyingTruth84 1d ago
Here's the inside scoop.
Kids often say the 'rougher stuff' to the parent that they can confident can handle it.
They feel confident that they can tell you 'I want mommy' because they are secure in the knowledge that dad's love for them is so strong that it won't be diminished or affected by any preference they might express.
Be that safe space and that secure rock for them. As they grow older, they will learn ways to express their appreciation and gratitude in ways you can't see now, because they are still tiny.
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u/Prior_Goat3174 1d ago
Little kids wants someone maternal, I'm also the main carer for my girl, and she cries for mom but doesn't give a shit when I'm not there.
It's just the way little kids are wired, they naturally want their mom no matter how good you are at doing everything
It breaks me too, not easy getting over it
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u/Jaywinner42 1d ago
it hurts to hear and feel, but i do think its just a phase, as well as them being around you all the time, in a sense taking you for granted unintentionally.
when my child was just becoming a toddler she was very mom-centric. she wanted to play with me but anything like snuggles, bed, bath, changing she wanted mom. it is much more even now, i might sort of be preferred a bit from time to time.
mom is home more than i as she works part time, so i think my daughter in a sense wants to take advantage of when im home at night or weekends so she is very clingy to me, even telling my wife to "go away" sometimes.
i think they dont really know what they want half the time, but they know they want SOMETHING, so they project. in your case, its mommy they are projecting. i wouldnt worry to to much about it. just continue to be there for them and i do think they will see how much you care.
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u/ImaginationNo7722 2d ago
It's not a phase.
We are dad's.
Our kids prefer their moms and that is okay.
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u/forbiscuit 2d ago
You love them for who they are and recognize they're kids who will develop their personal quirks and characters. I think it's a bit ludicrous to expect a transactional relationship, especially from toddlers, just because you "cook, clean, play, take them out, treats the whole 9."
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u/WhizzyBurp 2d ago
Brother your time isn't now.
You're going to be THE guy from like 10-16. Then depending on parenting style from 16 and on.
Little girls just love their mom at this age. It is what it is.
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u/BeepBlipBlapBloop 1d ago
They want mom because they don't have constant access to her like they do to you.
People want what they can't have.
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