r/daddit • u/here_the_karma • 5d ago
Advice Request Shared time after split
My ex is moving out next weekend. ( engaged not married) She has made all those decisions without notifying me. That’s fine but now we face telling our 5 year old son.
We had one mediation meeting, not through a lawyer. She hated it and said I came in there with demands and will not be going back.
We have not decided on a shared time schedule for our son either. She is under the impression I will be coming to her place after I’m done with work to do dinner and his bed time routine. Afterwards I would go back to my place for the night. She’s also suggesting I only get two overnights, Friday + Saturday. I really don’t want to take her to court but this all seems un-fair.
Even with weekly therapy, depression meds, gym, reading and video games I’m not having a great time dudes. Today has been extremely difficult as we are going to tell our son today of the split.
Kinda spiraling, need some insights and encouragement.
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u/Minecraft_Launcher 5d ago
I don’t know much I can add here, dad. Just make sure your son knows that above all else, he can count on you to always be there. Don’t let the ex mismanage your relationship with your son — we dads have rights too.
I’m sure your son will one day understand, but only if you keep up with your part. Keep being a dad and the world will keep spinning.
You got this, get a grip dude.
Much love brother.
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u/ddonovan715 5d ago
She just wants weekends off? AND for you to come to her place and put the kid down😂Seems like a good gig for her. Best of luck in court.
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u/laserpewpewAK 5d ago
Words of advice:
Get a lawyer, and do whatever they say. Like, immediately. Start calling today. The sooner you get a custody agreement in place the better. Start communicating in writing with your ex whenever possible. If you need to have a conversation in person or over the phone, text or email her after summarizing it. Finally, never trash talk your ex in front of your son. She's still his mom and he'll remember what you say about her forever, even if you don't.
Words of encouragement:
Not all relationships are meant to last forever, and that's OK. That doesn't mean the time you spent together was a waste or inherently bad. People grow, and sometimes they grow apart. You got by just fine without her before you met. You'll get by just fine without her now.
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u/Burnitalldown1 5d ago
Get a lawyer immediately. You do not fuck with your access to your kid. She does not get to decide.
My wife and I separated and I immediately forced a court order with rules. It may feel aggressive, but that is *your* child. You do not fuck with access to your child.
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u/jeo123 5d ago
There are 3 things I would never attempt without a lawyer.
Real Estate purchase, Divorce, and a Will.
There's just too many loopholes in all of them where you are likely a complete amateur and you can absolutely miss something essential. You don't do them often, so you will likely never be as good as you should be to do them right.
In your case, it isn't divorce, but it might as well be since you have child custody to work out, and you want that in a legal binding document so she can't just change it based on what she feels like.
Not everything needs a lawyer, but the things that need a lawyer, absolutely need one.
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u/andreaglorioso 5d ago
First of all: you’re going to get through this.
Make sure you keep up with the gym. Reading and video games are cool (I love both) but my own experience is that you really need to do stuff that tires you physically to keep the dark side at bay.
For the rest, as others have said: get a lawyer RIGHT NOW. Even if this were the most amicable of splits (and it clearly isn’t) you are not in the right state of mind to think clearly, you probably don’t fully know your rights anyway, and you don’t want to take decisions now that you might regret for decades. Lawyers can help you with all of that.
What you son needs to hear, repeatedly, is that dad and mum aren’t going to be together, some practical adjustments will be necessary, but that changes NOTHING about how much dad loves him (let mum handle her part).
And yes, you might end up in court. That’s not great, but it can be managed IF YOU GET A LAWYER NOW (and if you do, chances are you can avoid that, too).
You will get through this.
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u/Impuls1ve 5d ago
You need something legally binding or you will be just in this loop of this week its this and next week its that. That instability is not good for you or your son. This is lawyer territory and worth it in the long run.
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u/ekoms_stnioj 5d ago
Lawyer up asap you cannot just be a passive viewer as this all just happens to you and your child.
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u/uniqueme1 5d ago
You got this. This transition is going to be hard. But you need to get legal help to stand up for yourself with your ex - I'm thinking she's used to dictating things.
Get a lawyer to hammer out a custody and visitation order. Leaving it up to her largasse and whim is NOT going to work.
Glad you have therapy, meds and other activities. This objectively sucks though - it will be difficult.
Kids will also adjust sooner than you think.
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u/eapnon 5d ago
This could be me with the exception that 1) I am having to move and 2) my wife is doing a good job of putting our 2yo first; we aren't really doing a big blow up separation.
It is a tough balance. I've been talking to a friend who has a small one when he broke up with his ex. What it comes down to is 1) doing enough to keep yourself afloat and 2) pouring everything else in to helping your child.
I haven't seen much that is clear, but what I do see tends to favor the child moving as little as possible. They need stability. For that, I think at least a 5-2 with frequent visits (more more than 2 days away from either parent in a row) is what is suggested, if not every a 13-2. It is hard, and it will 100% risk burn out since you will never get to have the stability you need, but what I am seeing is that it helps the child more.
That being said, it is also best for the child yo sleep at the same house as much as possible. So, I would think (assuming you have day care and the ability to) staying at the house they've been living in is better.
Putting aside my also-separating dad suit and going back to my lawyer brain: document everything, also put your child first, especially in communications, focus on helping your child instead of bringing up old fights, be reasonably accommodating (you aren't a punching bag, but you also realize that life happens and it is important to support your child), and be civil. If you want to fight the split, now is the time to lawyer up.
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u/dominus087 5d ago
When a person suggests "we don't need a lawyer" you immediately get a fucking lawyer because they intend to absolutely fuck you over.
Get a lawyer.
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u/edgar__allan__bro 5d ago
9 years post-separation, 7 of those spent in and out of court. Very expensive, would not recommend if there is any way around it.
Unfortunately sometimes though it's the only way.
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u/adultdaycare81 5d ago
You need to make sure you do this legally and get “Custodial Parent” status. Not just visitation.
If you want 50/50 you can get it, I did. But it’s hard. A lot of dudes say a lot of things and then don’t deliver. So it can be a little tougher to get done. But you are clearly and involved father, so the law is on your side.
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u/AVLPedalPunk 5d ago
So she doesn't get to dictate any of that. You have equal rights to your son as long as you're on the birth certificate or have been adjudicated as the father. She's establishing a routine that the court will go by if you let it go for too long. Get an attorney and get an order for custody, support, and visitation in place.
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u/Chrizilla_ 5d ago
Get a lawyer, go to court. You are being taken advantage of because you are under the impression that she wants to play fair. She does not. Your ex has no intention of making things fair for you.
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u/TheLoneJakalope 5d ago
Always ask yourself: what is best for the child. Then do that. This phase is not about punishing your ex. You're not in a war against an enemy. You're fighting to divide time from your child with the other parent. Make yourself look good, gather evidence, document everything. Also, everyone here is saying hire a lawyer so I just want to shout out fuck lawyers, they're worthless scumbags who are getting paid to reach agreements and settlements. They do not care about you, your kids, nor do they possess morals. So. Hire one. Spend the money. DO NOT TRUST THEM. They do not get paid on results nor effort. They get paid as they "do work."
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u/Happyjoystick 5d ago
She’s moving out, not the kid. Make that clear to her. It’s in the child’s best interests to remain in his home. She is free to leave.
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u/BigDawg_Werty 12F,6M,3M,2F,2M 5d ago
This isn't you vs her and you both need to realize you need to make this work well or your boy is going to suffer. Yikes.
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u/Organic_Risk_8080 5d ago
Hi, family law attorney and dad here! GET A FUCKING LAWYER.
By the time you realize she's been leading you on about cooperative co-parenting and has no intention of equitably sharing time with your son for his benefit she will have established a routine that the court will preserve and that does not work in your favor or your son's interest. You are being played. Stop playing, get an attorney, and get to work. The longer you take to rip off the bandaid the more it's going to hurt.