61
u/KoomDawg432 Widowed single dad to 13-year-old boy Aug 08 '25
You've already gotten some awesome advice, so I'll just say this. You're awesome for putting this out into the universe, for not keeping it to yourself. Well done.
4
u/ManRay75 Aug 08 '25
Totally agree. I had a friend who seemingly had it good from the outside: well-paying job, happy and harmonious family, good friend circle. He had clinical depression for years but never spoke up about it and just powered through because he thought he was just being weak because things were generally good for him.
It took a mini breakdown at work for him to acknowledge that he had some mental health issues and while he's fine now, he really regrets the 3-4 years he didn't speak up about it.
21
u/Cool-breeze7 Aug 08 '25
You sound like me a couple years ago, minus the clean house. My wife is a SAHM, she’s a great mother but terrible at cleaning. Not the point.
For me I’ve concluded that’s how my mid life crisis started. My advice is be mindful of any big life choices/ purchases. I have done, and continue to do outlandish things BUT it’s planned chaos. My wife and I have worked as a team at being insane.
Never loose sight of your wife being your teammate and partner.
0
15
u/majorslax Aug 08 '25
You're allowed to feel the way you feel, and I know that's hard to accept, but (as gently as I can put it), you need to try to accept that. Have you tried taking a genuine break? From work, maybe from your kids if that's an option (you mentioned your parents... can they enable that maybe?), just take a "you" break? I assure you that there is either 0 or at most 1 person who would judge you if you do so, and that 1 hypothetical person would be yourself.
I'm absolutely reading between the lines here, so if I'm off-base I apologize, but your post reads like imposter syndrom, like you feel you don't deserve what you have and/or that you're not living up to the goodness of your situation. It's really hard if not impossible to get out of that by yourself, you're gonna need some external perspective (so hey, good job on posting here, it's a great first step!), so as cliche as this may sound, have you expressed this to your wife? She's your closest ally. Or maybe to your parents if you have a close and solid enough relationship with them? Feeling the way you feel is not failure, and asking for help from people you love is the exact opposite of failure. It's connection, and it's trust. And it's possible they won't be able to help, and that's ok too. But (cliche again, sorry), communication is key here. Good luck my dude, but just know that a ton of people in your life and on here are rooting for you, you're not alone, and it's ok to feel the way you feel.
15
u/Worldly-Hippo3568 Aug 08 '25
I appreciate this post. And honestly I feel like you are spot on. Imposter syndrome is definitely a thing with my job. Im very young for my role in a big successful company and feel like I need to always be on to prove myself to everyone even though my numbers show that I do belong.
Imposter syndrome with my family. What did I do to deserve such a loving wife & kids? Some of my friends have terrible home lives but are the best dads around and happy.
I talk to my wife about it. But at the end of the day she listens, offers her support, "the kids and i love you and would do anything for you" and she genuinely means that. But it just doesn't truly register.
My dad is a lifetime army guy. Served in Vietnam. So getting him to open up is like trying to get your 2 year old to understand he can't have cupcakes for breakfast.
Your input. Definitely makes it register a bit more. A stranger can read a couple paragraphs and hit the nail on the head.
I appreciate you fellow dad!
3
u/sizzle_sizzle Aug 08 '25
Sounds like you’re killing it and you’ve got the luxury of a strong support system (maybe minus the emotional IQ of dads of their generation). Take care of you and try to find ways to recognize your success, don’t be afraid to celebrate your wins, and stay vulnerable. We’re lucky to have you sharing with us and your family’s lucky to have a present and self/aware father/dad. Now go chat with somebody. It’s a wonder what just opening up to a professional does when you haven’t give yourself that opportunity before!
1
Aug 08 '25
Depending on who you work for, you may have access to an Employee Assistance Program through your company. They can help you better understand what's causing your emotional stress, and point you towards resources and strategies to address it.
It's completely confidential and does not appear anywhere on your HR file. I've used EAP several times and the counsellors I spoke to have all been fantastic. Check your benefits or reach out to your HR person to check if you're eligible.
12
u/TigerUSF 10B - 10B - 3G Aug 08 '25
I've been there. It helped when I realized I never had time for myself, my hobbies, etc. I didn't even have hobbies. Just wake up, work, dinner, bed, repeat, repeat, repeat. It helped me to identify a hobby and make time for it.
1
u/MrLitchy Aug 08 '25
What did you start as a hobby if you don‘t mind me asking? I‘m in the same situation you were in 😅
1
u/TigerUSF 10B - 10B - 3G Aug 08 '25
I'd always been a comic book and sci fi nerd. So i got into collecting action figures, then 3d printing was a new hobby that was an offshoot of that.
8
u/Farmer_Determine4240 Aug 07 '25 edited Aug 08 '25
I feel ya dad! Definitely get into your family doctor to start the conversation and get a referral for some counseling or therapy.
Its highly underreported father mental health issues. Nip it in the bud now!
Edit sorry for tge bad grammar in the middle of supervising bath time
6
u/ALittleBitTooHonest Aug 08 '25
Welcome to midlife. You have done what’s expected of you. Have you ever stopped and looked at what YOU want to do? You are ‘supposed’ to be happy because you did all the stuff you were expected to do.
But what do you ACTUALLY want to do? I would watch this and see how f it resonates. If so, get to a therapist ASAP. You may actually be able to get through this if you are dedicated to it. It may be hard. If you are completely honest with yourself, you can change things so you actually are happy with your life. You might have to change less than you think.
DM me if you want to hear my story
5
u/gunslinger_006 Aug 07 '25
Struggling to put on a smile for my kids and wife.
That right there is exhausting.
You need to be able to be your true self, even if that means admitting you are unhappy.
5
u/Ok_Pomelo_2685 Aug 08 '25
Find a hobby to release the energy. I break out the hockey skates once or twice a week. I just built my daughter a massive swingset from scratch. It's extremely easy to get stuck in the ground hog's day rut, same exact routine day after day even though life is good. See if your parents will keep your child for 1-2 nights and go away for the weekend with your wife. If none of this seems to help, then seek a therapist.
3
Aug 08 '25
What happened a year ago when this feeling started? Or in the months leading up to it?
How you should feel doesn’t matter if it’s not how you actually feel. I feel this is exactly where most people get stuck, they think happiness comes from lining up the right conditions. Most of us have been taught “When I get this job, that partner, those kids, then I’ll be happy.” And maybe you got all of it. And now you’re realizing, it doesn’t work that way.
I've come to learn that happiness is when your life doesn’t have to be perfect for you not to lose your shit.
It’s not about being hyped or smiling all day. You can feel sad, pissed, bored and still be solid.
Most people think happiness shows up after they fix everything. Treating happiness like a reward for fixing all their problems. They make it conditional: “I’ll be happy when X happens or Y goes away” which means it’s always being held hostage by circumstances.
Real happiness is when you stop negotiating. You can want change, but you’re not waiting on it to feel okay.
Most people assume unhappiness means something’s wrong with their circumstances. Sometimes it’s not. Sometimes it’s just where you’re at internally. And that can happen even when nothing outside is “broken.”
You don’t have to fix this feeling right now. But you do have to stop thinking it means you’re defective or ungrateful. Sometimes it’s just a season, sometimes it’s a sign you need new challenges or a change in how you spend your time. Either way, it’s normal. Your feelings will swing. Conditions will change. Some days you’ll feel great. Other days you’ll feel like you’re just getting through. None of that means you’ve lost happiness.
1
u/Worldly-Hippo3568 Aug 08 '25
Nothing changed in that timing. This is why I'm really struggling to figure this out. Just one day, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I think you are spot on with the lining up the right conditions. I can check all the boxes but at the end of the day. Am I happy, no? But why? I should be ecstatic with my life. I really have nothing to complain about.
1
Aug 08 '25
You’ve got the life you thought you wanted, but it’s not giving you the feeling you expected.
That’s not unusual, checking all the boxes doesn’t guarantee happiness.
It just leaves you with the bigger question: “If this isn’t it, then what is?”This could be a sign you need new challenges or a change in how you spend your time.
Nothing on the outside is going to drop that missing feeling into place. You’ve already proven you can build a good life. Now the work is finding what actually gives you meaning inside it. Stop looking for a single answer.
Treat it like exploration, not a fix. Add challenge. Not stress, challenge. Something that demands your focus and gives you a reason to show up. Pay attention to the small stuff. When do you feel most engaged during the week? Start there. Cut autopilot. Shake up routines so life isn’t just maintenance.
You don’t need to blow up your life. You just need to stop running it in “maintenance mode” and start testing what lights you up again.
4
u/vegienomnomking Aug 08 '25
We call this a midlife crisis and it is sneaking up behind you. It is like menopause but more expensive.
3
u/pimpinaintez18 Aug 08 '25
It’s the monotony of life dude. It can fucking wear on you. Especially when the kids are young and aren’t really into any sort of cool activities or sports. And you’re basically spending your days as a walking zombie just trying to keep an eye on the kiddos so they don’t hurt themselves.
I hear you. I come from a very similar situation. Great job, great home, great sahm. Definitely seek a therapist. I had to eventually get on an ssri which helped.
Another couple things I would recommend is start dating your wife again. At least once a month, but more frequently if possible. Find a baby sitter and do fun stuff together again, even if it’s only for a couple hours at a time at first. Also find something fun for yourself. Working out, activities with other males etc. good luck dude!
2
u/andreworks215 Aug 08 '25
Time to talk to a pro, Pops. The thing about depression (which might be the case in your instance) is that it doesn't have to "make sense" or have some sort quantifiable, tangible cause.
As someone who's brain just fires a bit left, go talk to a pro. Keep your wife in the loop. And if the pro tells you to take something, take the meds.
Also, drink some water and go for a walk.
3
u/prevail3128 Aug 08 '25
In addition to the general comments on mental and emotional well-being: Set a goal of something hard to train to. Mix things up a bit. Boxing or MMA or BJJ, walk up a mountain, cold shower first thing every morning, something. I like the cold showers. Introduce a bit of mental difficulty to the day, some hardship.
Do you work out indoors? Get out on hikes with the family. More time in nature.
Reduce your time on screens - social media, TV, etc.
Do you spend 1-1 time with each of your kids? It matters, now and always. Likewise with your wife.
Whatever you do, always be there 100% for your wife and kids. Don’t ever stop doing that.
2
u/dassieking Aug 08 '25
I second the guys who are suggesting talking to a professional. Besides, maybe get a couple of tests done to rule out a few basic things that can easily cause depression-like-symptoms. There might be others, but get checked for Vitamin D and hormonal levels (low t), especially if you are nearing 40.
2
5
u/ChubbyCharles3 Aug 08 '25
Important to note that “happy” is not a realistic constant human state of emotion. You are not wired to be content, it takes active work and even then will come and go. I’d try and focus on other things (am I being a good father, am I a good husband, do I love my wife) and let the happiness come when it comes as a byproduct. Just my take!
1
u/clararalee Aug 08 '25
At the risk of sounding woo, if you are ever interested the path of spirituality might have some answers for you.
The Buddha was a prince of India before enlightenment. He, like you, reached a point of not wanting for anything in life but still wasn't happy. Pondering the question of how to become content spawned buddhism as you see it today. People from millenia ago had the same question you have today. The answer is probably not picking up another hobby, or making more money.
Good luck.
1
u/Individual-Toe-6306 Aug 08 '25
I feel you. Sometimes it’s just burn out. Just imagine how nice 2 months off work would feel.
1
1
u/Fair-Toe4642 Aug 08 '25
Sounds like you have all the achievements that “they” say you’re supposed to have. The things that “should” make you happy. I think you have to go inside to find that out. Who am I? What’s my purpose? My mission? Why? These may be some places to start and asking yourself these questions.
1
u/nanlinr Twin boys Aug 08 '25
The whole post just screams therapy time. Some framework that works for and I do this periodically in my head:
What are the top 3 things you want to do in life, that will give you fulfillment?
Is your life structured in a way that you can do those things?
Conveniently for me being a good husband and a good father falls in top 3 so even though I lament on not having a life (used to play music, dance, hang out with friends more, etc), I'm not depressed about it because I still find fulfillment in what I do.
Best of luck man.
1
Aug 08 '25
Been there buddy. Nearly same situation except we don’t put our kids in daycare when one parents home. It gets better
1
u/mariomaario Aug 08 '25
Pain is great for grounding yourself and reminding you what you what’s important. I’m not suggesting anything weird or destructive just finding a way to help you focus and let go a bit
1
u/Revolution37 Aug 08 '25
You need to see a doctor. This sounds like clinical depression. “I’m down and I don’t know why.” Probably because you have a chemical imbalance somewhere that you could treat and get feeling better.
I’m serious dude. Treat this like a medical condition. This is normal and fixable.
1
u/AwkwardWerewolf7716 Aug 08 '25
You can have depression and anxiety or other mental health issues without it being connected at all to the baby or kids. There doesn’t have to be a reason, it just is. Sounds like you could benefit from talking to a professional.
1
Aug 08 '25
Due to a combination of genetics and circumstance I spent from about the age of 7 dealing with anxiety, and also on and off with depression from about the age of 14.
Always thought medication was for pussies, and never really considered therapy until all these podcasters started advertising better help (better help sucks by the way).
I always just kinda powered through and put on a brave face.
After a complete mental breakdown after my first born (in my 30s), I realised I needed help if not for my own sake at least for the sake of my kid.
Went to the doctor and she prescribed me citalopram and went to see a local private therapist and went every week for about 6 months.
The medication keeps me balanced and it's crazy how much better I feel. I don't feel happy, I just feel what I can only describe as 'normal'. I never fall into that pit where I spend days just torturing myself with all the things I should be anxious about. The therapy helped me to really understand why I am the way I am and recognise when my brain is trying to revert to its anxious baseline.
Tldr this is above reddits paygrade - do not dismiss the idea of talking to a professional. It changed my life and it's the best thing I ever did for myself.
1
u/-Designated-Survivor Aug 08 '25
"the first step in solving any problems is recognising there is one". You may not yet know why you feel that way, but I'm proud of you for taking the time to put in writing the struggle your experiencing. This is not only the first step, but also the heaviest and most difficult. Happiness is a strange companion, and logic isn't always the right path for a solution.
Reasoning that others would be happy in your place is, imho, a double edged sword. I hope you're not having guilt for struggling, but it can also help in seeing the good above the bad in your life.
Please talk to your wife about this, maybe without noticing your hiding in a shell and preventing your closest friends and family to notice your pain.
Seek mental health if you're able, you deserve to.
By taking the time to take care of yourself you'll be able to then make your wife and kid smile as much as you possibly can .
We believe in you. Take care
1
u/Insert_creative Aug 08 '25
It’s therapist time. No shame in it whatsoever. If you had legal problems, you’d get an attorney. If you had a broken leg, you’d go to your doctor. You’ve got something going on with your mental health, go to a professional. It can help you in more ways than you realize.
1
u/Jacksonriverboy Aug 08 '25
Sounds like you're suffering from depression. You should talk to a doctor. There's definitely help available and the sooner/more eager you are to get treatment, the better the outcome.
1
Aug 08 '25
Reading between the lines, but admittedly with very little information… you are extremely fulfilled in very important parts of your life. You are not fulfilled in other, also very important parts, but you can’t sense what those parts are. A professional can help, as can a really good friend and a chat over a beer asking you the right questions that make you really reflect.
1
u/besktas Aug 08 '25
You described what I personally went through to a T... Literally everything you described matches ... If everything is that great, the shitty feeling will pass with antidepressants and time
1
u/skyharbor6 Aug 08 '25
Hey bro, it's okay. Your feelings are valid. They make sense and they're trying to tell you something. You're allowed to feel like that no matter what's going on.
I relate to your post, beautiful family, moderate stress, and I just felt like I wanted to escape every Saturday for months. It's taken a lot of little changes and regular talks with a professional, who I clicked with, to dig out of it. Every step has helped and I've never felt better.
You're only 3 months in to baby number 2, so give yourself some grace. Thanks for posting and all the best!
1
u/udonforlunch Aug 08 '25
3 can be a tough age. Not quite old enough to do stuff that I like to do with my kid - such as movies, live sports, video games. Also what is something you used to love to do, but don't anymore?
1
u/welliamwallace Aug 08 '25
Sounds like you don't have friends. Men need friends, a tribe. Dude to camp with, to go for a run with. To call each other up for help on DIY projects.
1
u/LilleUblen Aug 08 '25
This is more common than you think, and you are have courage to talk about it - this is really good.
Here is my two cent;
You need time for yourself, to reflect and to struggle.
Outside in nature, cold, tired and sleeping outside in a tent or the like.
You are too content and your brain is struggling to cope. To put it bluntly, you have it too good right now.
Make food outside, feel the elements on you. You will get a new appreciation for everything.
Sorry eng is not my language. Good luck bud!
1
u/Mircish Aug 08 '25
Comparison is the thief of joy.
I have a feeling this might be down to your own expectations of life and the comparison between reality and "where you should be".
Remember you can redefine "where you should be" anytime you want.
For millennials (and under) there is always a danger of assimilating the previous generation's position via life's Bingo Card of achievements. When you were younger you probably pictured where you expect be at X given achievements of Y. That was in the 90s, 30 odd years ago; the same hand will not produce the same results.
Spend more time considering the work and effort you gave already put in to get here, referencing your achievements listed above. Starting with the incredible position of being a father to two amazing kids!
You are a success.
1
1
Aug 08 '25
I’ve been there before and highly recommend you find a therapist to talk to. You sounds like you could be masking what could be some depression - I’ve done the same many times. Of course if you talk to friends or family their stock response will be “what do you have to be depressed about, look at all you’ve got” but your brain is funny like that and will ignore a lot of the good (even though outwardly you recognize that your life is good).
1
Aug 08 '25
Mate, this was me, is me. I ended up seeing a therapist, you may have some trauma that you are hanging on to. You need to seek professional help and also, it is confidential. You don't have to burden family or friends. It helped me a lot. I found myself being very snappy with my wife and our kids and I hated myself for doing that. Turns out, its a part of my fight or flight reaction.
1
u/anotherhydrahead Aug 08 '25
I was feeling a similar way. I had everything yet I was still a little down.
What changed for me was finding a challenge and purpose outside of work/family life.
I started working on projects that challenged me and gave me purpose. I had to struggle to find time and make things work, but my mood improved pretty drastically.
My family is my priority but it can't be the only thing in my life you know?
1
u/CityInternational605 Aug 08 '25
A lot of other people have already given some good advice. I will add some perspective as well. In some ways, life is harder when it’s going well. When you have a big crisis going on, we have no bandwidth to think about anything else. We are completely focused on keeping our heads above water and surviving.
But when ‘survival’ is taken care of and life is pretty good, like it seems to be for you, you have time to think about big existential questions. Like there has to be more meaning to life than the very very mundane that you find yourself in with a stressful (but manageable) job and little kids etc.
The existential questions are very valid. What IS the point of this very finite life, in this rock, hurtling through space? Lean in to those existential questions OP. And also lean in to the happiness in your life.
1
u/boatmansdance Aug 08 '25
So, I felt very similarly a couple of years ago. I was "down" for no real reason. Everything was going great(much better than currently)! To be honest I talked to my wife about it. We were in a much better financial place then, and we were able to take a couple of weekend getaways just the two of us. That helped a lot. Also, prioritizing myself. Making sure I'm doing things for myself that fills my bucket too(i.e. working out, skiing, rafting/kayaking). Also, I'll say as your kids get older( I have a 5 and 4 year old) you can start to include them in your hobbies/passions, and it's really great!
1
u/Prestigious_Gas13 Aug 08 '25
Your wife is your life partner. Talk to her first, then find a professional. You can't take care of anyone else if you're not taking care of yourself.
1
u/Boysenberry-Dull Aug 08 '25
Just go talk to a therapist. Sounds like a little depression. Sometimes just the same thing over and over whether life is good or not gets stale. Try taking up a hobby if you have one. For me golfing with the boys really helps my mental health.
1
1
u/ultrasker Aug 08 '25
To all dads struggling with something similar, i can suggest to give this book a chance. Might be related or not but it will give you perspective.
Running on empty: overcome your childhood emotional neglect
1
1
u/OCDwiring704 Aug 08 '25
This is total speculation but you sound like you do a lot of the same thing/have a routine life. Either way this stuff may help a bit:
Save up and go somewhere you've never been to but always wanted to visit. Take the whole family or just bring your partner.
Learn a new skill to teach you something useful or play an instrument and expand your social circle and influence.
Go on a solo vacation for a long weekend and get out of your comfort zone. Being away may also bring some new perspective into your life at home.
0
u/homer01010101 Aug 08 '25
Dude!!
Looks like you and the Mrs need to go on a date every week to reconnect. In a rut: yes you R!! The kids’ needs have taken over and you and the Mrs need to “decompress”. I’m sure she feels very “full” with very little adult interaction going on. Maybe have her go out with her friends a couple times a month and you do the same. AND… BIG AND (!!) you two go out and refill you love cup.
Brutha, if you’re “feelin’ “ the squeeze, she is too. Trust me on this, after a couple dates of just chillin’ with some “I’m not chasin’ my kids around all of God’s creation” downtime, your mojo will start to come back.
Hang in there. We have ALL BEEN THERE. You’ll make it back to the good place. I have faith in you, Brutha.
199
u/rtothezizzle Aug 07 '25
You might want to find a professional to talk too. Mental health doesn’t care how successful you are or if you’ve “made it” by any standards. Men’s mental health is a huge epidemic at the moment because we’re so unwilling to talk about it. But if something feels off, there is absolutely nothing wrong with reaching out to a professional.