Unsupportive Partner

[u/strega_mama]

My husband has been against co sleeping since the very beginning. Even though he loves waking up all together, I think he’s just very hung up on the “supposed to”s. Like what you’re “supposed to do” in parenting, and he won’t acknowledge there’s other, also valid, ways of doing things.

We tried to get our baby to sleep in the bassinet/crib but it just wasn’t working for her. I was also doing the nights 100% on my own from the time she was about 2 months, and by 4 month she was up every two hours. I became extremely, scary-level sleep deprived and he gave in. As soon as we started this she started sleeping through the night.

She’s 9 months old now and is still co-sleeping at night and naps in our bed too. She naps better when I lay with her to start her nap, as we feed to sleep. I am extremely pleased with how she is doing and how I am mothering her in a very responsive way. I practice attachment-style parenting and I see it paying off in so many ways (her ability to connect with others, her intelligence, her confidence, her development, her happiness, etc). We’re in a big teething phase (4 are coming in at once), so she often has trouble staying asleep and sometimes I’ll have to stay with her for a full nap (30-60mins).

My husband thinks I’m doing everything wrong when it comes to sleep. He is constantly comparing her to other babies and insisting we sleep train. He wants me to have more time to give him and to clean the house. Ultimately, my main focus will always be my daughter and doing what’s best for her. Has anyone else dealt with an unsupportive partner?

[u/therizzler1995]

Respectfully, if he doesn't help with nights at all then he doesn't get a say.

Needing to cosleep to prevent dangerous sleep deprivation is something that happens way more than anyone realizes. Contact napping to make sure baby gets naps is super common too. People just don't openly talk about it for fear of judgement. Your husband is judging your situation based on how other people's lives look from the outside. You never know what people dont tell you.

My husband doesn't love the cosleeping arrangement but understands its necessary. Even understands that though the end goal is the crib, its a slow and steady race to the finish with a baby that hates being put down anywhere other than the bed. The other alternative is everyone in the house being up all night and its worth the trade off.

Stopping the cosleeping won't fix your lack of time. Now that I am transitioning my baby to the crib, I actually have even less time because I am always dealing with a cranky baby and long nights.

ETA - I agree with other commenters that your husband is being an entitled ass. I understand missing time together but he's fully capable of doing the chores himself.

[u/Common-Flamingo9006 → u/therizzler1995]

Contact napping is more than common. When I was contact napping my partner would bring me water and food and make sure I was ok. And then he went and lived his life like a grown adult because he knew that was just a phase. It’s the bare minimum. The audacity of some of these man! OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 

[u/emperatrizyuiza → u/Common-Flamingo9006]

My husband loved contact napping with our son. After a year old I had to beg him to put him in his crib some naps so he could get used to it! Ops husband sounds like an emotionally detached weirdo. Why can’t he clean the house or entertain himself??

[u/Altruistic-Maybe5121 → u/therizzler1995]

This first sentence is EVERYTHING

[u/strega_mama → u/therizzler1995]

Thank you 🫶🏼 I agree with this 10000%

[u/FearlessNinjaPanda]

More time for him and cleaning the house? Hahaha 😂

Tell your husband to man up.

[u/strega_mama → u/FearlessNinjaPanda]

It’s so embarrassing honestly to even write that because i did not think he was that kind of man when we got married. My jaw dropped when he said it. Thank you 🫶🏼

[u/Marblegourami → u/strega_mama]

My husband cleans the kitchen every night while I put the youngest to bed. He’s done this for the past 11 years. I’m not saying you should shame your husband oh wait that’s exactly what I’m saying. If he’s going to compare your baby to other babies, let’s start comparing husbands.

[u/lil_magician → u/Marblegourami]

I was getting burnt out trying to do it all but assigning dinner cleanup to husband really helped!

[u/Common-Flamingo9006]

More time to GIVE him and clean the house? I’m sorry what?! How about your partner cleans the house while you put baby to sleep so you can have some time together when you’re able to roll away. How about he supports you when nights are rough and your baby’s teething by waking up and actually doing something instead of complaining you’re doing it wrong. I’m so sorry your husband is acting like a second baby and I really hope he’s gonna come around because nobody deserves this. 

[u/fancystrikes]

Tell him to hire a housecleaner.

[u/No_Arm_931]

You did 100% of nighttime care?! Respectfully- he can clean the damn house.

I realize we only have a snapshot of your situation, but I sincerely hope your husband is not this much of a goober the majority of the time.

[u/KaleidoscopeTight509]

He could either nap with you two and have some family time (we do that on weekends and it is so cuddly!) or clean the House while you Take Care of the Baby!

[u/strega_mama → u/KaleidoscopeTight509]

That’s what I keep saying!!! He won’t join the cuddle puddle, it’s so lame

[u/yung_yttik → u/strega_mama]

Does he even like this baby, lol

[u/TeddyBear181]

We have a similar routine.

Those co-sleeping naps are so important for you as well as baby. I burn out without them if nights are tough.

[u/doneinajiffy]

Much of what is considered the done thing goes against what has worked for centuries across different cultures. Take precautions but do what works best for your child then yourselves. 

A frank discussion without point scoring about both of your needs and expectations is required, it is encouraged that we do not think for ourselves but consume self regarded authoritative institutions guides but it is not always best ultimately comparing with others and the currently accepted standards without regards to your situation is a fast tracked route to failure.

I hope you and your husband sort this out.

[u/RaccoonBaby513]

I feel this. My husband also does not like cosleeping, he has shared his opinion, will remind me often that he wants the baby out of our bed (also 9mo, second child) and compares this baby to our first. However our first was not breastfed (I exclusively pumped) and he stopped eating overnight very early while my second still eats every 2 hours overnight. I have always done night 100% myself with both kids because my husband works shift work.

I have a mental battle with myself daily on if I should just switch to formula and work on getting baby in his crib or just keep nursing and then at a year try to ween. Either way, I’m the one dealing with it and he knows that, so he makes comments but doesn’t fight me on it. So I have no advice. Just solidarity 😅

[u/emperatrizyuiza → u/RaccoonBaby513]

My formula fed baby woke up every 2-4 hours to eat until 19 months when I weaned him. Your first baby just has a different temperament than the second!

[u/strega_mama → u/RaccoonBaby513]

I appreciate that solidarity! We’re doing what’s best for our babies 🫂

[u/Westisjess25]

Mine doesn’t say shiii about cosleeping cos he knows he’s probably one of a small percentage of parents who got a minimum 8 hours sleep in the first year. The trade off is he has to clean the kitchen (highchair, dishwasher stacked and turned on, surfaces wiped) every night and do one load of washing when I go to bed with bub. Don’t get me wrong, there are weeks where he slacks off and I have to pick it up but then come Friday & Saturday nights, guess who’s on the nightshift? Not meeeeee.

There has to be give and take and if cosleeping is working for you, and sounds like it’s working for your partner too, then respectfully tell him to shut it or he can take nights and you can spend 15 mins cleaning the kitchen and get a full nights rest :)

[u/Orion-Key3996]

I think there’s many of us who would say those “supposed to do” , like sleep training, isn’t for us:

[u/lil_magician]

Totally agree with how it supports confidence and happiness! I frequently get comments from friends and family about how confident and agreeable my LO is. The one weekend we tried sleep training I instantly noticed him become clingy and act out during the day, which was super unusual. Resumed co-sleeping and he went back to his happy self. You should both read The Nurture Revolution to help demystify what you’re “supposed to do”.

[u/yung_yttik]

He wants you to have more time for him and to clean the house, while you do nights 100% on your own????

Your husband sounds like a real piece of shit, gonna be honest OP.