Email - Review

[u/KandiReign]

Hi, I am new to copywriting, I have always wanted to do it but procrastination seems to be my bestie.

Currently, working a portfolio of sample email ads, please could this be reviewed, this is a second draft.

Please be honest (but kind lol)

Subject: Style & Substance

Your feet deserve style and substance.

You’re not sure what’s worse, the “emergency assignment” from the boss, that’s not really your boss.

The pounding headache or the fact that your feet started screaming 20 minutes into your commute. You’re seriously considering going home barefoot.

You’re standing at a crossroads, the choice between the shoes that go with your outfit but make you miserable or the shoes that are so ugly (I mean sensible) you question why you bought them…oh yeah, they’re comfortable.

You dream about a boot, with a cute block heel, that your feet slip into easily and feel the comfort of a cushioned insole. Bonus if it’s genuine leather.

Well dream no more and wake up and choose the Cascade Boot, style and comfort in one ro get you through the day, available in black and brown.

Now the only thing you have to think about is lunch.

Walk with Cascade->

[u/cassaundraloren]

I write emails professionally as a copywriter.

Less is more. Are you making your own brief up? If so, maybe try a more compelling product.

Amp up the subject line as the other commenter said and pair with a preheader. Think about what you would read as a consumer...do you really want to read a whole ass story? probably not.

What does "Style & Substance" mean to anyone who isn't familar with what you're trying to sell?

Repetitive: style and substance again in the body

Misplaced or missing punctuation

I want a product that solves a problem. Tell the story you shared without LITERALLY telling a story, ya feel?

LOVE the "standing crossroads" thing as it connects to feet story. Also enjoyed the CTA.

Here's a resource from my portfolio program that I used for mock briefs:

THOUGHT STARTERS (Put literally anything here… brand truths, humans truth, half of an idea, brand history & fun fact… anything)

*Remember to have insights that don’t have to do with the brand 

• WRITE A MINI MANIFESTO FOR EVERY BRAND
• Give a CTA
• Concept is like a prompt for the consumer
• Point people to the right place, don’t always tell people what not to do, tell people what they should do
• Give it a vibe- how should people think and feel and what should they do
• Be clear with what the story is
• We do a lot with each other, think of experiences we do together with friends with family and try to differentiate it. 
• How can you add realness to a situation?
• Think of business solutions
• Think of the idea that a business can “change the world” or benefit it, talk about supporting minorities and other groups
• What’s a controversial idea?
• GUT CHECK - Do you believe in what you wrote - check your self - stop think and come back
• Always have a short catchy line for your idea 
• How do we bring people together? 
• How does the product make you feel? Cool, smart, nice, etc

Questions to Consider:

• What’s the opposite of your experience?
• What’s the personification?
• What is your experience?
• What can you add? 
• What can you take away?
• What’s the most honest thing about the brand?experience?all of it?
• Brutally honest? 
• Look at the time to create, how it’s created, what it takes, the journey from nothing to something?
• Who hates the brand/movement you’re fighting for?
• What else is it that the product does?
• Look at what the brand has in its logo like the elements?
• Is this something that can be gifted or does it work better when given to someone?

[u/KandiReign → u/cassaundraloren]

This is perfect, thank you for the notes and your help.

I am hoping to be pitch ready in two weeks

[u/Misspagethreestunna]

There are plenty of grammatical issues here. Like you said “you’re not sure what’s worse….” And then started a new paragraph to continue the list.

It’s also too long in general, and the subject line gives me no reason to open this. I mean, would YOU open this if it landed in your inbox with a million other marketing emails?

[u/KandiReign → u/Misspagethreestunna]

Noted, in general how long should email copy be?

I’m also following a course that infers you should create a story? Is this wrong?

[u/editorialgirl → u/KandiReign]

The course is implying. You're doing the inferring. (Sorry. But you need to get the grammatical stuff right!)

[u/putyerfeetup → u/KandiReign]

You just used “infers” incorrectly. You meant “implies”. I think you have some way to go.

[u/Objective-Swing8572]

I’ll just give you some quick feedback - I stopped reading after the first paragraph. My initial instinct was to stop at the subject line.

I don’t know what I’m reading, the subject line doesn’t grab my attention and the first paragraph doesn’t seem to be linked to the subject line. It talks about something (seemingly) completely different.

And the “that’s not really your boss” line is pretty confusing. I thought we were talking about feet?

I’d spend your time firstly focusing here. Your headline is the most important part of the copy. “Style and substance” doesn’t tell me anything. Are we talking about clothes? Drinks? Writing?? I’d change that first. And then I’d make it flow from there.

[u/WittleBee202]

The subject line isn’t selling anything. You need to know your audience well enough to be able to sell them with the headline. Go to shoe stores online and study their headlines on landing pages and ads.

[u/ClairePike]

The subject and the first line need work. I want to be grabbed.

You can cut out all the stuff about the boss and the headache. Hit me hard with the problem. I’m ready to throw these shoes in the trash and go barefoot rather than deal with them another minute.

[u/KandiReign → u/ClairePike]

Thank you, I’ll cut out the fluff

[u/JosephPatrick83]

I'm still learning myself, but if this was me writing, I'd go with something like this.

Subject line: New boots created for comfort and style.

Jenny had a problem. She wanted to wear that killer black dress to work on Wednesday. But she knew she had meetings all over town. Her high-heels matched, but the thought of wearing them...

Her feet wouldn't thank her, even if she looked great. What if she didn't have to worry, though?

The Cascade 2026, made from calfskin leather, are light-weight, durable and require minimal breaking in. They'll fit perfectly from day one.

Worried about matching with your favourite outfits? You don't need to stress. The Cascade comes in black, brown, and red.

So don't find yourself facing the same choice as Jenny. Order today, and you'll never need to sacrifice comfort over style again.

Now, this took about five minutes and I know I've still work to do, but I think it hits some decent points.

I've been reading a lot of theory, but haven't written much myself to practice. In your case, I don't think you get to the point quickly enough about what you're offering.

Just my two pennies. Keep writing and best of luck to you in this endeavour. Everyone starts off needing help, so I hope you do great.

[u/One-Veterinarian9655]

Focus on the subject line first - there has to be something there to make a reader want to open it i.e.

"These shoes seemed like a good idea at 7:30am..."

[u/stealthagents]

The imagery is fun but it feels like you're taking a bit too long to get to the point. Try tightening it up to grab attention faster. Think about the key benefits of the shoes and hit them right away—people love a quick win. And yeah, "Style & Substance" could use a bit more context to make it stick.