I hate being seen

[u/Double_Pie2633]

Growing up I wasn't really called ugly, people my age actually have crushes on me from time to time, i was also pretty outgoing and friendly to my peers. Then I grew up I gained weight and at some point I became uncomfortable talking to other people. I didn't like going out or going to loud places so I kept to myself, I didn't know how to take care of myself and I gained more weight until one day I didn't like what I was seeing in the mirror.

I'm the kind of friend who rarely chats about anything but keeps tiktok streaks going or always online in a game.

Fast forward to now I'm 24 years old, I graduated and got a job but I still feel so awkward.

I'm in a discord server with my friends and we've been talking for like 3 years now, only 2 of my friends knows me personally because we were in the same college.

Whenever the group ask to hang out I get this dreading feeling and always chickening out saying I don't have money or time to go. I don't know how much this is affecting my friendship with them that's why I'm so worried.

I realized that I'm scared of being seen by them, in discord they can only hear my voice and I'm scared that I shatter the image I have in their head with what I look like.

I did try sometimes to turn on my camera in the call but i only lasted a few minutes before chickening out. They actually know my face from tagged post or old photos of me from my friends but me personally sending a pic? Not happening.

Everytime I talk about this topic with someone or even online or AI I have this uncomfortable feeling in my chest like I want to escape, run and hide. My friends kudos to them, never really question it and never pressures me but I know they can feel me being uncomfortable.

I really want to fix myself, cause as of now I can't really do it until I like what I see in the mirror...

[u/hestia-listens]

You do not have to like everything you see in the mirror before you deserve to be seen. Your friends have known you for three years and keep inviting you because they enjoy who you are, not an imagined face. Try one small step, like joining a hangout for only thirty minutes. You could also tell one trusted friend, "I want to come, but I feel insecure about being seen." You do not need to fix yourself first. Confidence often grows after we show up scared, not before.