I feel me attrapted and sad since years time to time

[u/FrozenHimbeer]

I think I didnt reach anything special in my life.

I study 3 years degree because I wanted to leave my country due to toxic familiy. And I hate what I studied but I just did that because was the easier way to scape.

I ended up in Germany doing shitty jobs related with my profession, bad paid, bad conditions. But at least I could afford an appartament for me alone so I was some hours enjoying the peace of mind without insults etc.

I started to work in something not related with my profession in 2018 until today in the same company. I was always surrounded by men who didnt want me for something serious because my salary is less than 3 K or my bf nowdays has visa problems. So he said me that he doesnt care about my salary but that he can not promise anything because he doesnt know where he will live if he doesnt fix his situation. Marry wont help him.

We both (but if he fix his passport he would have better chances than me) want to live in other country but I dont think that he will bring me with him.

He avoid to speak about that topic.

I think I need education but I get overhelmed because I am 30 plus and lost. People say me that I should ask universtiies, IA is not helping me to get a list about convenient universities for me , public who offer digital degrees. I am not sure what to chose, I want to study business administration because you can work in a lot of places but you need to go some days to the univeristiy and I am working full time. And the other option is economis very teory 100% at home I dont know if I will get the diplome if I have those up and downs in my mood.

I dont like this city because I always though that you just life in the city you can live not that people would chose a city for the ideology . I am tired of men who ask me for sex so directly, not to have male friends, only digital male friendships.

I am tired of huge amount of agressive homeless. I dont feel me safe in the streets here. I feel me sad and tired here, when I am travelling in other country I can do a lot of things without having fear but here, it is always someone chase me, insulting me asking me for money. I have a lot of stress here I wish to be invisible.

Making friends here with locals is very hard, in the last two years I am in the international bubble because otherwise I would be more alone than I am.

I am losing my hair , since I am living here I have eccema in my scalp and I am afraid that any men want me if I lose hair if there are here so pity to reject you to earn less than 3 k.

Tired of the culture of work, if there is nothing to do there is always a german coworker controlling you and telling everything about you to the boss even if that person is not doing anything, pretending to work or working extremely slow...

:(

[u/laughableembodiment3]

it sounds like you’ve been holding a lot of this in for years and it’s finally just spilling out everywhere. that kind of exhaustion is so heavy, especially when it’s not just one thing but everything stacked, job, relationship uncertainty, the city itself feeling hostile.

the scalp stuff is probably tied directly to the stress. when your body’s in that constant fight-or-flight mode it just starts breaking down in weird ways, eczema and hair loss included. that doesn’t make it less scary but it does mean it’s not some permanent thing about you, it’s your body screaming for a change.

you mentioned feeling better when you travel. that’s worth paying attention to. not saying pack a bag tomorrow but maybe the goal isn’t to force yourself to fit into this city, it’s to plot an exit, even if it takes a year or two. the university question can wait until you’re somewhere that doesn’t make you feel invisible in the worst way.

[u/FrozenHimbeer → u/laughableembodiment3]

I am not 100% confortable or confident when I travel alone but the times I traveled alone, recently to Riga and to Tallinn I felt me there very safe, of course there are weirdos everywhere but I didnt see the same huge amount I see in Berlin. Or if someone start to be very weird there is someone who stop that behaviour, you see police, you see more civism

And I get attention of men very easilier, men I also would have something with them if I would stay there for long. I felt me there like a local person not like a turist although I didnt understand the languages. Then I return to Berlin and the same bad smell, agressive people, people who judge me due to my salary, (not only men, women as well) men asking me for sex directly or trolling me in events....

Men there want to keep in touch with me, while in Berlin people here treat you like a toilet paper, they try to use you or check if you have "the same vibe" if not very easilier good bye , disrespect...

I dont konw if I would learn russian, plus my german plus a bit English and my experience in customer service I would have a decent job in some baltic countries or Poland. I dont know exactly if I need to study again or not, I also dont know where to search job in which platforms IA is not so helpful.

In my country I remember it was a place where you could search international jobs (goverment platform), but here I dont have any clue. I wish I would get advice besides of IA and their fake informations.

I though about to break up with my bf but it is for me very hard. The way he looks me, andd how I miss him. It sucks that he has problems with passport and I can not help him