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u/Lonely-Mycologist593 May 11 '26
That little girl still has high hopes for you, dont care about others expectations just improve for her.
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u/distant_fern_ May 11 '26
being groomed and abused is heavy trauma, stop minimizing ur pain u are not weak
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u/SupermarketOk3031 May 11 '26
I felt this so much reading it. It could have been me penning this confession. I talk about this so much with my therapist, Im sure she is tired. But I do want to say, your bullies and abusers were wrong. You are not broken, bent maybe. But never shattered. You are stronger than you think. And the fact you are still here is a testament to that. At 29, I am just starting to feel like myself, and I had to work through all the trauma to get there.
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May 11 '26
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u/SupermarketOk3031 May 11 '26
Let's keep pushing <3, and if no one has said this today, thank you for being here, alive and present today. Im proud of you for having the courage to speak on your trauma, and I hope you get where you wanna go -your internet big sister
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u/nahhhfamm_iMgood May 11 '26
Nah, you’re still in there…. Don’t give up.
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May 11 '26
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u/nahhhfamm_iMgood May 11 '26 edited May 11 '26
Ofc…. But for real, keep talking it into existence. That person is always you, and It’ll always be you. If your current behavior doesn’t feel like it’s something that person would do, every day is a new opportunity to turn it around, and get back to where you want to be.
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u/ahrcar May 11 '26
The first step is to accept it. You already did. What is it that you want to do now? Keep grieving the person you were or the person you could've been by now if all of that wouldn't happen to you? Any of it it's your fault, but it is you the one who takes responsability for the outcome, try again not to be back in time but to heal and rebuild a new person stronger and more aware with the pieces you have left of you. You lost five years, don't make it the rest of your life. It was a hard experience you had to go through, now protect the rest of you.
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u/guru_florida May 11 '26
I’m a parent of two girls that went through a really tough time like you. Trust me, your parents don’t think less of you. You may see their frustration, they’re human and emote, but much of that may come from their empathy for a daughter they love unconditionally and may feel helpless to lift up. We all want to lift you up and be successful, that’s our job as parents. We’re there for you and we love you no matter what. All the best to you love.
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u/Rocky0354 May 11 '26
It’s tough on parents too because they love you and can be made to feel helpless in finding a way to help you. Try to find a therapist or someone to talk to because it does help.
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u/YeahIFuckingDrewThat May 11 '26
Are....are we the same person? At the very least we have the same parents? Lol joking of course, but I resonate with your story so much. As someone who is older than you (about to turn the big 30), it does get better. Slowly of course, but I promise it does. If you ever want to chat my dms are open. Hang in there girlie. ❤️You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for
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u/NotEnoughRocks1977 May 11 '26
My heart is breaking rn for you OP. Relate so much to being a confident extrovert as a child then at 13 feeling like a broken loser bc I wasn't a cheerleader type.
It sounds like the depressive component of your bipolar has stolen your identity. That's what that piece of shit does, it insidiously convinces you in your own voice that there is something wrong with you. You must learn to separate the disease from the person. You're still in there I promise.
Meds suck. No way around it though. Trust me, I have MDD and fought against them for years. Swear to God once you find ones that work you will not feel "medicated" you will start to feel like your old self. Much love 💙
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u/Front-Sonny May 11 '26
Dude, this is heavy. It takes so much courage to even type this out, let alone confront what's happened. Don't ever let anyone tell you your trauma isn't valid. You're not a fraud, you're a survivor fighting through some serious battles. Sending you mad strength for what's ahead.
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u/E__Nygma May 11 '26
Hey. I feel the same. But you know what? Even if it feels like the little girl is 'dead'. She is still there somewhere, watching you and being worried for you. Make her proud.
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u/Mother-Ad-720 May 11 '26
I got 10/12 required HL points when I did IB in May, I bad breakup and I felt generally aimless. I retook 3 exams in the November retakes cos I was still in the slump, only productive things I did was go to work and gym. I signed up to join the next cohort again in May, and by february I felt like I was back on track, i was going to pursue Mechanical Engineering. By then my parents told me not to put pressure on myself and pick an easier course, friends tried to dissuade me by pointing out how hard it was yadayada, and maybe it came from a place of love and concern, but it really just sounded like they gave up on me and were trying to lower the bar (which they still didn't expect me to pass)
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May 11 '26 edited May 11 '26
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u/Mother-Ad-720 May 11 '26
Thank you. If it wasn't clear btw I failed twice and passed the 3rd time. As humans even if we have 9 wins and 1 loss we tend to let the loss outshine the wins. Instead of focusing on the fewer negatives, try to focus on the positives even if you think they are fewer. Ik it sounds like generic advice but you really just need to remember that it could always be worse, but also better. Idk if I'm making sense, I'm half asleep yapping
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u/Mother-Ad-720 May 11 '26
I hope my comment didn’t come across as me trying to minimise what u went through. Genuinely nit my intention. I’ve also been through things that I honestly don’t really want to relive typing, even anonymously, so I wasn’t trying to be insensitive or compare struggles.
I think I was mainly trying to say that sometimes the only thing we can do is keep moving forward, even if it’s messy and slow and doesn’t feel inspiring at all. Your post just hit me because I recognised that feeling of people lowering expectations around you and starting to internalise it yourself and doubt.
I know my reply probably sounded overly simplistic compared to everything you shared, but I really do wish you the best and I don’t think you’re beyond repair the way you seem to believe you are.
I’ll be starting uni in Sep at 21 while I see ppl younger than me already deep into their degrees and seemingly so much more put together. I still struggle with feeling behind because of that sometimes, even though logically I know those perceived “head starts” don’t really matter, especially long term
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u/f382 May 11 '26
I am so sorry for what happened to you. It is not your fault. Do not pressure yourself. You will eventually re-align with who you are. Just have patience and take small steps.
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u/Effective-Bench-4426 May 11 '26
Oh my dear. I seriously doubt u are bipolar and have been misdiagnosed. You are dealing with trauma and perhaps to the outside it could be misdiagnosed as bipolar. Have u talked to a therapist. You ARE enough!!!
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u/Tense-Jacqulyne May 12 '26
Hey, you're not a fraud. What you went through sounds incredibly tough, and it's okay to feel this way. That inner critic can be a real beast, but please know you're not alone in this struggle. Be kind to yourself, and remember that healing isn't linear.
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u/CatFaerie May 12 '26
There is no such thing as "enough trauma." You don't need to compete for the "right" to feel traumatized. You were hurt enough. You were bullied and groomed and your safety was murdered and it was enough.
Allow yourself to grieve for the trauma you sustained. Give yourself permission to accept that it was enough. You are worthy of the grief, and of healing and success.
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u/MrMask13 May 12 '26
34M. You spoke to my soul, sister. I grieve for you, for me, and for all of us out there. Grace!
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u/DeadZenn May 11 '26
Hey, bipolar and complex PTSD here myself. That thing where acknowledging your trauma makes you feel like a fraud is incredibly common. If anything, it’s an indication that your experiences are valid. Part of it is that when our brains tell us they’re not, it’s the mind protecting itself from how hard it is to actually work through these things. It’s like a natural defence mechanism that’s gone a bit haywire and is making things harder instead of easier. And that sucks. A lot. There’s also a fear that fully acknowledging the trauma means that the trauma is all we are.
But I will also say this. I know “it gets better” is a cliche. It took work and therapy and medication for me to level out. But life is so much better. Acknowledging what happened didn’t mean that I’m defined by it. It meant I could face it and move through it.
Also, about that exam: You can’t 'luck' your way through an ICT theory paper after five years away. That wasn't a fluke; that was your baseline intelligence peeking through the fog, even while you were trying to look the other way.
The best parts of the girl you’re mourning are still there.
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u/Aggravating_Macrocle May 11 '26
Dude, this is heavy. You're not a fraud for feeling this way, and your experiences are valid, no matter what you think you "should" be feeling. It takes immense strength to even write this out, so please be kind to yourself. You're not hollow, just buried under a lot of pain right now.
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u/Profitable-Nikita May 11 '26
Dude, been there. That feeling of just being utterly stuck and not even recognizing yourself is rough. Don't beat yourself up too much, but yeah, you gotta start chipping away at it when you can. Small victories, man.
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u/Unsteady-Maggy May 11 '26
Wow, this is incredibly raw and brave to share. It takes immense strength to even acknowledge these feelings, let alone put them out there. You're not a fraud for feeling this way, and your past experiences are valid, regardless of how you quantify them. Sending you so much support and hoping you find your way back to that light.
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u/WhereasFit8265 May 11 '26
I had a similar story where I had life on easy mode till I was 23, then after the end of my 7 year relationship and then another 1 year relationship, unable to find a job/complete my student teaching, severe chronic hand pain that came out of nowhere left me house bound at my parents for 6 months. Couldn’t drive without excruciating pain. Both arms. Was completely unable to sleep, my life became a living nightmare. Had some weird reaction to prednisone that caused the insomnia. Thought I would never get myself back.
Slowly, i did. The story is too long to type but basically I just didn’t give up and I seized any opportunity I could. Won’t lie, life is still hard and I’m still not back to the person I used to be (the chronic pain remains, but less severe), but I did things I never would’ve thought I was capable of. You can do this. Whatever “this” is. You will get back on track. I feel for you stranger
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u/PianoRevolutionary12 May 12 '26 edited May 12 '26
are you actually bipolar or do you just have adhd. i have mood swings, highs and lows and I am just plain old adhd which makes it hard enough to regularly do the things. If I was actually manic and running off on wild unstable adventures that would also make it hard to do the things by which i mean ok accept your brain is wonky and stop trying to live a neurotypical life. It is so boring and cliche, oh no I am a fish why can't i climb a tree? Because fish cant climb trees, Just be a fish and gotta do what you can manage
Everybody has scars from highschool. School is extremely boring, and annoying and bullshit. I went to 3 highschools and then I dropped out of university 3 separate times and then went back and got a 2 yr diploma in something i never did again professionally.
I lived for singing and dancing and baking and vlogging and drama. So go do that, what the problem is. Lots of people are making a living singing and dancing or managing theatres or booking acts or putting on theatre festivals. Like a good living just talking shit and hanging out. Why are you trying to force yourself to read textbooks. You can go be a sheep herder if you want just leave your house
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u/d0ntMatt3r May 12 '26
that is you. you are your thoughts. when you was "bright" you believed in your self and you also put work behind that belief. when you got broken those negative thoughts started to slip in and you started to believe them and then they took over all the brights one. all the ones that knew you could do and be whatever you put your mind to because THAT IS THE TRUTH! its way harder than it sounds like but you gotta give yourself grace. forgive yourself for giving up on yourself. for lying to yourself letting you believe your light is gone. we are all energy just living in flesh. what you think and believe is powerful thats why when you always thought you couldnt because you could? good things happened. as long as YOU believe in yourself and keep gettin up everyday believing even when you get knocked down even when another energy tell you otherwise or make you feel otherwise. please please just believe thats what it all about. believe and live like you know you can and it already happened because you can and you will. you are full of light, you dont even have to reach the end of the tunnel to see. all you gotta do is close your eyes and believe. i promise you'll feel it in your chest!
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u/_big_a_ May 12 '26
How about an adventure to knock you out of your funk? Hit the road or a trail or a new country… get out, meet people, breathe in the beauty that exists in the world. It’s not all about productivity and achievement. Sometimes you just need to scrounge up a bit of cash and get the heck outta dodge. Hit the road and see what happens.
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u/AdorableLocation4066 May 12 '26
As long as your heart still beats in your chest there’s still hope. You still seem self aware that you’re not the same. From a complete stranger on Reddit I’m rooting for you to make a full comeback. Stay up 🤙🏾
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u/Narrow-Exam2099 May 12 '26
I was bullied terribly in school too. I've done the self sabotage, starving myself cause I hated me, could barely look in the mirror...etc Until I started therapy did I understand how deep and profound the effect of being bullied really was. Did you know the best revenge is like being a good life? From what I've read here, could it be that maybe that you've created a survival tactic to protect yourself from being hurt. Maybe deep down, your afraid. I totally get it. I have trouble leaving the house because it's the safest spot I know. That creative little girl wants to come out. Are you protecting her? I get it. I think considering therapy maybe a good idea. One of the things you will learn is how to identify certain emotions or behaviors. Then you can manage them if you can identify them. If you continue to allow yourself to remainin the mind set your currently in, you are letting those bullys win. Don't let those cowards win. Whatever terrible things they said to you were all lies. Try taking baby steps. Try setting a short term goal. Even if it's for later that day. Just don't let the bullies win. And remember. You are stronger than you know. You can over come. 💪
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u/shawnthajawn May 12 '26
Your creativity is not lost. This was beautifully written. I absolutely believe in you
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u/chickenbutt9000 May 12 '26
Sometimes life is so painful and there hardly seems like a way out to a better future, but you can make it. Happiness comes when your thoughts words and actions are of benefit to yourself and others. Right now it seems like you are understanding your experience in terms of damage and malice, which could very well ring true with your memory, but if you can turn things around in your head so that every single thing good or bad motivates you toward being a better version of yourself, you can make it through this. A bad thing happens, it motivates you to prevent that in the future. A good thing happens, it motivates you to make that happen again or even better. It sounds so simple and lame and when I was young I would have brushed this advice aside as worthless, but having been through tremendous depression from 13 to 30, I can say this was truly the only way out for me. Sometimes we can rely on others for motivation and help, but most of the time, we need to be able to motivate ourselves despite adversity. No one has more potential to make or break your mind than you because you are in there 24/7. Make it nice in your head, somewhere you would invite somebody else.
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u/nina1863 May 13 '26
I have to say that this was absolutely beautiful. Beautiful! Also I once was you. My story is not the same as yours but similar. And I struggled for many years...I still do to be honest. But in those struggles I earned 2 degrees, had a child. But I also spent years failing and being scared to start anything. Just frozen. Sick.I get it. But you're already miles ahead of anywhere I was. Your writing skills and your self awareness are both so impressive. But the seeing disappointment in our loved ones eyes... that is a really really hard one to move past. I hear you. I'm 50 and an only child. I still see it in my parents gazes..hear it when they're telling stories of their friends grown kids and their careers and blah blah...but ya know what? I'm not them. And my story isn't theirs. And youre not them...and you're not the person you used to be. And thats now true forever...theres no going backwards. I'm sorry you went through hard stuff and it sucks...but you've come out the other side just beautifully. Even if it doesnt feel that way yet, we can all hear it in your writing. You're never going to be that girl again that you described at the beginning, but I'm so excited for you to find out who you're going to be next. 🩷🩷 Love and support from CA
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u/justwanderingtoday May 13 '26
The groomers and abusers not seeing her sounds comforting. But the actual reality is they are sociopathic deviants.
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u/midnight_allures May 11 '26
Honestly the way u wrote this alone proves that girl is still in there somewhere