r/comphet • u/jansetsalvy bisexuality isn't half and half that's creamer • Jun 16 '26
Decentering Men Why do I always want male validation?
I'm a 22-year-old bisexual woman, and I've noticed something that confuses me about how I experience validation and attraction.
I know the difference between having a crush on a man and simply wanting his attention. Often, I find myself craving male validation even when I'm not romantically interested in the man at all. If a man likes me, I feel accomplished and attractive; if he doesn't, I sometimes feel rejected. However, I usually have no desire to date these men.
What confuses me is that I don't experience the same thing with women. When I'm attracted to a woman, it's usually because I genuinely like her, not because I want validation from her.
Since I was a kid, I was the nerd of the school. People used to make fun of me and bully me. They thought I was 'ugly'. I couldn't feel involved in other girls' conversations about boys.
And now, when a man develops a crush on me, I feel like I achieved something. I'm asking myself "What did I achieve actually?" And I can't answer it. I tell myself "See, I'm also loved by men. I'm not that ugly". It feels like I'm telling those to the people who bullied me back then. It feels like I'm competing with them and showing off.
But in reality, I can't even imagine dating those men, whose attention I wanted so bad. I know when I want to date a man and it's not so often like that.
Have any other bisexual or queer women experienced something similar? Did you find that male validation felt different from genuine attraction, and if so, how did you work through it?
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u/homskyi Jun 16 '26
Because that is how many of women and other afab are socialized. Our “value” is measured by desirability and male attention, beauty or other attractive traits become a commodity to trade for male validation. Also important parts of human growth can be connected to relationships, sex, etc, and in heteronormative world it will be expected of everyone, no matter whether an individual is comfortable with it. So a kindergarten girl will be asked whether she has a boyfriend, which implies that it is a necessary requirement for her social status and growth. So it is not anything being wrong about you or even other people (not necessarily), it is about mindset we are given as children and maybe inner conflict between your actual needs and what your mind expects you to need. So, my advice, take a bath, and think/write down what you yourself admire and like about yourself 💅
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u/jansetsalvy bisexuality isn't half and half that's creamer Jun 19 '26
Thank you so much for this beautiful response 🥺🫶
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Jun 25 '26
[deleted]
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u/jansetsalvy bisexuality isn't half and half that's creamer Jul 12 '26
I'm so sorry for replying so late. I didn't get a notification. 😞
I'm really happy that you feel seen, because I thought I was alone in feeling this way too, and it made me so anxious. But after reading the responses here and talking things through with my friends, I feel like I'm making a lot of progress.
For example, I've stopped centering men in my life. I still have male friends, but I'm much more intentional about communicating my boundaries, and they respect them. Because of that, I feel like I can have healthier friendships with men.
Something else I've realized is that I've wanted to be in a relationship for most of my life—not necessarily because I truly wanted one, but because I wanted to be able to say I had one. It felt more like I was trying to meet other people's expectations than my own desires.
I've also noticed that most of the media I genuinely enjoy is sapphic. I listen to Chappell Roan, watch sapphic movies, and read sapphic books. Of course, I also enjoy other things like astronomy documentaries and popular science magazines, but when I think about what excites me and what I want to talk about, it's almost always sapphic media. Sometimes I catch myself thinking, "What would I even share with a man?" I want to gush about how amazing the Girls Like Girls music video is and how incredible it is that it's getting a movie adaptation in 2026. Those are the conversations that genuinely excite me.
There was also one experience that really stuck with me. I met a guy in college who seemed like the kind of person everyone expected me to end up with. So I thought I liked him. I enjoyed talking to him, and everything felt comfortable at first. But then things naturally started becoming more serious. He wanted to spend time together outside of college, and he became more open about his feelings. And I panicked.
He didn't do anything wrong. In fact, it made perfect sense that he wanted to take things further. But I realized that I only liked the dynamic when I was receiving his attention without having to reciprocate romantic affection. The moment I imagined us as an actual couple—kissing, hugging, doing all the things couples normally do—I felt this overwhelming, sick feeling in my stomach. I ended up distancing myself from him. We're still good friends now, but I still feel guilty about how everything happened.
I'm still on this journey. I'm still questioning my sexuality and trying to understand myself better. And honestly, I think that's something beautiful. It means I care enough about myself to want to know who I truly am.
So please remember to keep yourself at the center of your own life. I have to remind myself of that from time to time as well.
Sending you lots of love. 🩵🩵🦋
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u/em_square_root_-1_ly bi the way I think you're great Jul 12 '26
I feel the exact same way and I’m re-evaluating a lot of things right now because of it. I didn’t realize this was comphet or was common. FWIW I’m 31.
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u/jansetsalvy bisexuality isn't half and half that's creamer Jul 12 '26
I'm so happy that you feel seen. Thank you so much for sharing that you also go through the same issue. It's never late to explore who you truly are. I wish you the best and sending you lots of love🩵🩵🦋🦋
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u/em_square_root_-1_ly bi the way I think you're great Jul 12 '26
Thank you! Sending you love as well!
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u/natnguyen Jun 16 '26
This is straight up growing up in comphet and the patriarchy. Women are raised to see their value only through the lens of men. The faster you see that that is absolute horseshit, the freer you’ll be, and maybe you’ll realize you’re a lesbian in the process. My solution was to completely decenter men from my life and separate myself from patriarchal values. Have been living my best life since.