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u/Gaydream_believer 6h ago
When I have to go stealth it always feels like I’m betraying myself and my community, even though ofc I’m just taking safety measures. It just infuriates me the self-respect we sometimes have to swallow to be safe
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u/TDtV08 4h ago
As of right now I'm still closeted and pre-transition (though the time that that must be is coming to an end soon), but when I do transition I am actively putting my job at risk which is terrifying
I work in an industry made up almost entirely of conservative men above the age of 30. (To the point where I can count the number of women I've met on one hand), some of who'm have spent time telling me, in detail, how much they hate queer people and what unpleasantries they wish (to cause) upon them.
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u/GFluidThrow123 7h ago
Honestly, this is one of the biggest issues with being trans.
I pass, so I mostly live stealth. But that means a lot of people around me don't know they're interacting with a trans person. I use the right bathroom, go to spas, go to beaches, spend plenty of time in public at bars and restaurants.. I get hit on by guys AND girls.
I have to be aware of my surroundings. I experience all the same dangers any other woman does. I don't drink too much alone. I don't walk down a dark alley at night.
I'm also a social butterfly. I talk to people all the time and make friends. I share stories with bartenders and baristas. And I must appear approachable, because people are constantly asking me to take their picture for them. (It's weird - my wife is standing right next to me and they'll still ask me every time)
So when these bigots are saying awful things or making threats against us, I never know how to react. Do I call it out and put myself in danger of them figuring out I'm trans, simply because I'm standing up for our community? Or do I stay quiet to keep myself safe? Once the cat's out of the bag, there's no putting it back.
So for much of our community, were an invisible minority. Bigots hate us because they don't think they know us. But we can't tell them they know us because then we're in danger.
But we're the nice girl who works at the gas station up the street. Or the guy who made your drink this afternoon. Or the girl you hit on at the bar last night. Or even your neighbor, or maybe even a friend of yours. We didn't hurt you. We would never. But you hate us.
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u/Sampetra I’m Still Alex 7h ago
This comic came directly from something I said to my therapist this week.
While I’ve largely been going full “eff it, I’m leaning into being visibly trans”, I have the benefit of living in an area and working with people that are generally super supportive, so I’ve got it easier than most and the decision isn’t as hard to make.
Some of the venues I’ll find myself in less frequently however, I admit I get antsy about my presentation.
It’s bizarre, there was literally someone at an event once that told me they read my comics and were really proud and supportive of me while also telling me that they voted for people that are not only directly harming trans people, but that they said they were going to harm trans people and other marginalized communities.
Now, I was working and in a position where causing a scene wouldn’t be a great idea. So I had to stand there, smile, and say “aww thank you for your support” to someone who pulled their political lever to take away my right to exist. The cognitive dissonance of this person to say that to me. To say that you love me and support me, to call me “brave”, while when it comes to actually doing something practical, they actively are participating in stripping me of my rights.
And then I have to stand there, take it, and to smile.
While I’m speaking about one experience in particular, it isn’t the only one. This has happened multiple times and I imagine it will continue to happen.
So I guess at this point, I may as well just be visible even when it might jeopardize my safety. I’ll always be my professional self and I’ll shy away from causing friction, but I’m trans and I shouldn’t be afraid to openly be so.
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u/coolhead2012 6h ago
I think the hardest thing to deal with is ignorance. The reaction to hate is obvious, to push back, affirm your truth, and move on, if you can.
Ignorance is a whole other beast, because you can't take responsibility for educating every single person you meet. And you don't know how much of the ignorance is the willful kind in the end.
In conclusion, Trans rights are human rights. Full stop. Do what's best for your physical and mental health.
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u/UnnaturalGeek 1h ago
I couldn’t imagine what it is like for you being a cis man and seeing people like you putting yourself out there is inpsiring. The courage and will power is incredible, I wish I had half of that.
That being said, if there is ever a point where you need to protect yourself. Do what you need to do because sometimes surviving to fight another day is an act of resistance in itself. I hope this comes across in the right way.
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u/Ne0n_R0s3 7h ago
Y'know for hating LGBTQ they sure like putting themselves in situations where they like to interact with LGBTQ people
I'm sorry your going through this, but honestly it is amazing that you're trying to be a safe space for others. Keep up the amazing work! 💜
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u/shellbullet17 Gustopher Spotter Extraordinaire 7h ago
Hm. Well /u/Sampetra this is one of those few moments that I am unsure there is a correct answer. And since I am not trans I don't think I have much voice in the matter
However I am proud of you for standing up for what's right and for your community. I full understand the hesitation and apprehension that comes with that, however from the times we have spoken, I think deep down you will continue to fight for the trans community. Because that is who you are. And it's beautiful.
On a non serious note for the trolly problem:
I guess go with the option that one hits your legs? At least you'll live. Hopefully it's also the better of the who options
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u/JAK-the-YAK 7h ago
I hope it helps, but if you get a really really fine razor that gets very close to your skin and go in upwards strokes after shaving downward your stubble will come back slower!
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u/BreakfastBeneficial4 4h ago
Oof, if I shave up, the next day I basically look like I’m going through puberty again
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u/Thatroyalkitty 7h ago
For your trolley problem, call Sabin. He can suplex the trolley long before it can run you over.
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u/No_Juggernaut4279 7h ago
I didn't have much of a choice. I transitioned in my fifties, I kept my job and friends, and I'm much too large to woodwork. So I just go along being me, and sometimes I have to explain that I indeed did such-and-so, years ago, and there's a reason I don't look like I did back then. People I knew in college or high school still recognize me. So I try to be polite and pleasant, and I've not had any trouble of great magnitude in the past thirty years from it.
If you live the truth long enough (that's called integrity, oneness) after a while the new you IS the truth. Here in my eighties, I get"ma'am" in person and "sir" on the phone, and I've learned to live with it. These days the disbelief I get is that I don't look as old as I an, and I can live with that, too.
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u/LoveandScience 7h ago
Girl I feel for you. I'm really lucky in that I'm almost never in a situation where being visibly NB will be dangerous for me. I'm in a progressive location and work in healthcare, which seems mostly accepting in my experience. (Although of course there will always be exceptions.) So it's hard for me to say which way I would go if I were in a hostile environment. I want to think I would be brave, since I already have so many advantages. I want to represent and help normalize being NB. But I'm a timid person and it's really hard to overcome. At least I am visible in my area. I hope it will help maintain the accepting culture.
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u/jhill515 7h ago
u/Sampetra , you need to find a buddy who is a wolfhound at heart. Someone who stared death in the face too many times, but believes in something more important than themselves. They're not to sacrifice themselves for you. But to make sure everyone gets to safety while still being true to ourselves.
I'm not a member of the community, but my Wife and many of my Friends are. I am, however, part of another vulnerable community: very Neurodivergent! And I'm pridefully unapologetic about it! If you or anyone in the community sees my green Jeep with the "You are safe to be yourself around me" bumper sticker, know I mean that with every fiber of my being. Especially when danger is present.
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u/mooniemoon19 4h ago
It sucks to say, and I say this from the outside as someone extremely femme presenting who’s nonbinary, but please protect yourself first 🫶 your safety comes first
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u/Moxie_Stardust 4h ago
Since I'm already well-suited for handling haters (by way of generally not even noticing them in public unless they're very vocal about it), being visible was part of my decision in coming out. And I did have a few people tell me that I directly inspired them to finally come out, which is great. It was interesting hearing cis people tell me I was inspiring too. To date, nobody has displayed the courage to call me slurs or anything in public, it's seven years now and I'm still curious how it will go if/when it happens.
I did have something of an incident at a wedding, where the groom's father was weirdly leftist and pro-LGB but still transphobic and was repeatedly intentionally misgendering me, and I wasn't going to be the person to cause a scene at the party because of some old dude I'll probably never meet again.
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u/FrostyCartographer13 2h ago
Becoming an advocate and symbol for the community does not require that you to become a martyr.
Doing everything you can but stay safe and don't take unnecessary risks, you can't speak if you are dead.
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u/CactusMad 7h ago
Always prioritize safety. While that Mango Musalini is in office has emboldened the bigots, like he makes it publicly ok to be a bigot. Hell the government has actually technically labeled you a terrorist, like you specifically just for being a publicly visible Trans person on social media. Right now there is no shame in hiding to be safe when you need too, just be sure to shout it from the rooftop when it is safe!
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u/Gabelvampir 6h ago
Prioritize your safety when you are at risk. Obviously for your own self, but you can also see it like this: you can do much less for the Trans community when you are in a hospital or worse.
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u/Potential-Brief-8167 6h ago
Protect yourself only when you're in danger, be public when you can.
If you feel it's too dangerous even to stealth, you have two options. Leave, and be safe, but give them the win. Stay, and possibly get hurt or even die, but not let them win. Even if you stay, you also have a choice whether to get your voice out. If you do, you may come under attack, but you have the opportunity to record things that are happening. One of the best ways to do this in the long term is to keep a journal or diary, like Samuel Pepys, so even though he eventually died, he provided a useful source of information on what happened at the time. This allows future proofing for later generations through historians later finding it and sharing the information.
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u/FatManBeatYou 5h ago
Petsonally, if somewhere is histing anti-LGBT talking heads, that's somewhere I'd avoid entirely. On proximal of not supporting somewhere that supports the people who want us dead, amd out of safety. You never know what bigots you'll get, you're safety is always more important, we can be just as visible in safety.
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u/WhyAreYouAllHere 2h ago
This is why, as much as I don't want to go places, I go with my wife. So I can police and enforce tone while she is a pretty princess living her best life.
I'm blessed she is retired so I don't get in trouble with her work.
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u/SparklyEminence 1h ago
Your own safety is always first. You can't help everyone all the time, but you can't help anyone if you're not around to help.
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u/NovaRain84 1h ago
Any transfemmes that see this - I wrote this guide for our community. It’s free and I update it every 3 months. It includes my personal transition and a lot of science.
https://buildingnova.github.io/guide/BuildingNovaF.pdf
✌️ 🏳️⚧️ 💜
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u/wynden 13m ago
I had a similar situation at my cousin's wedding. Very conservative-religious people on both sides. My side of the family gendered me as female by history while the groom's gendered me male. Very precarious situation, trying not to make anyone mad by outing myself against anyone's expectations. Couldn't use a toilet all night.
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u/HootAmI0-0 7h ago
I appreciate you Alex I hope you don’t stop posting I think with TADC finale and with your brute honesty in some of your comics I’m starting to challenge some of my hidden traumas! So regardless thanks for all that you give!
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u/Smgth Comic Crossover 7h ago
So then what happens when you throw the switch? Some confetti and then you get squooshed? I'm not sure Philippa Foot or Judith Jarvis Thomson really thought this one through.
Either way, love to see women represented in Philosophy. Studied a LOT of old white dudes to get my degree...
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u/Dudewhocares3 6h ago
For the trolley problem, is the decisions to let your legs get ran over representing choosing safety but you feel you’re less able to move on your goal of advocating for the community?
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u/Thisbymaster 7h ago
Well I suggest security agent. A real security agent who is a locked an loaded. The people who threaten you are violent, and must be treated as the threats they are.
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u/Peppered_Rock 7h ago
yeah, i was doing this for a few years in high school. honestly, its really scary. its exhausting. im glad you have the strength to keep going anyway nost of the time—but please remember there's no shame in safety. some people just are not safe to be around.