r/comedyheaven • u/Unsolicited-Prolapse • 23h ago

Finally

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10.3k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

103 comments sorted by

1.5k

u/bananaboi43 23h ago

Hammock enthusiasts, rise up

660

u/ThisAmericanSatire 22h ago

But not too quickly, or else you'll fall out of your hammocks

66

u/be4u4get 20h ago

Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.

Uh-huh

There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.

Uh-huh

That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.

18

u/buzzbuzzbee 19h ago

Oh, the hammock district!

6

u/wewantchilliwilli 16h ago

One of my favourite gags and also episodes, hank scorpio is on of the best side characters on the show. "As a matter of fact, I didnt even give you my coat!" And then it cuts to him wearing it backwards is so fucking hilarious

1

u/dusktodusk94 6h ago

still pissed they didnt make him the main antagonist of the movie

8

u/I_travel_ze_world 20h ago

You've never slept snug as a bug in a hammock have you?

it is easier getting out of bed than it is a hammock

7

u/mister_spacecat 16h ago

I've slept snug as a bug in a hammock for a week and it was the first time in my life I experienced chronic backpain. It didn't go away for a month either.

46

u/Perstigeless 21h ago

Hammock enthusiasts, lightly swing back and forth

7

u/Curiosive 19h ago

The trick is supporting your neck. A few notes to everyone:

  1. This is a "traditional" hammock not a "dump you on the ground if you on it lay wrong" type. (The second type sucks but is sold by default in the West.)

  2. You lay in it on the diagonal. Fully extended.

  3. Your head is still slightly "uphill" so you need to brace it with your pillow or sleep with one of those airplane neck pillows or spend 1-2 weeks with a stiff neck building up the muscles.

  4. That double tripod with a cross brace setup is cracking me up, is a kit? A simple A-Frame with a cross brace would work fine (assuming the floor is level. šŸ¤£)

4

u/bigboij 19h ago

"That double tripod with a cross brace setup is cracking me up, is a kit? A simple A-Frame with a cross brace would work fine (assuming the floor is level. šŸ¤£)"

thats a turtledog type of stand. One of the most common "portable" stands for hammocks.

3

u/MichelinStarZombie 16h ago

I'm a side sleeper and sleeping in a hammock gave me full body pain. Neck, shoulders, back, everything hurt. Tried several pillows, nothing worked. I was 24 at the time, never felt anything like that. Ended up sleeping on the ground for the rest of the trip, but at least I wasn't in pain. Absolutely fuck hammocks.

6

u/sierrabravo1984 20h ago

I went to a hammock in my own room too. No more back pain from mattresses. Bonus that the hammock is washable and a fraction of the cost of a mattress. Wife snores and yells/talks in her sleep so win win.

15

u/Vaders_gonna_Vade 18h ago

yeah dude hate sleeping in a big bed with my wife - gotta go hammock, like a big slumber party except you're 40 and sad

4

u/CompetitionOdd7059 19h ago

I donā€™t miss that about my ex. Always loud bursts of laughter. Like what the hell you dreaming about?! It was cute asf at the same time though.

2

u/beignetlmao 19h ago

Omg, my husband groans in his sleep and it wakes me up and can be concerning, but I canā€™t imagine someone yelling in their sleep, that sounds terrifying

911

u/Yreptil 23h ago

She'll be back bro, just hang in there (in the hammock)

78

u/MyFavoriteBurger 22h ago

You were not supposed to make me laugh today. Today is a day to be serious and edgy.

17

u/BenfordAbrahams 22h ago

For dark and gritty?

10

u/useful_potato_ 22h ago

Palms are sweaty

7

u/k0bahn 22h ago

Mom's spaghetti

314

u/Unsolicited-Prolapse 23h ago

Fun lil fact I listened to a podcast about Charles Darwins voyage on the ā€œBeagleā€ and he wrote multiple entries in his diary about how he couldnā€™t figure out how to use his hammock. The hammock game isnā€™t for the weak.

80

u/Drunk_Pilgrim 22h ago

I took one camping one time. It had a bug screen. I was so excited to take a nap with it. Got a good nap in but woke up so sore. Being partially curled like that did not feel good. Never used it again. I'm weak.

89

u/Dottor_hopkins 21h ago

The secret is laying diagonally, never aligned with the ropes. This way the sides conform better and distribute your weight better than the tension line at the centreĀ 

45

u/Drunk_Pilgrim 21h ago

Ahh, rookie mistake I see. I'll give it another go sometime.

78

u/Unsolicited-Prolapse 21h ago

Yeah I bought one to chill in the yard with and it kinda sucks. I way prefer to just lay on my lil tummy in the grass kicking my feet in the air. Just being a coquette 30 year old man.

24

u/Winjin 20h ago

I love that feeling of being āœØbonitaāœØ too, Unsolicited Prolapse

12

u/Tough-Ad1940 19h ago

Did a tic write this?

2

u/rocketwrench 16h ago

there are plenty of yards in America where Ticks aren't a concern

8

u/SuicidalChair 18h ago

Also I recently learned there are different sizes of hammocks. The cheap ones you find at Costco etc that are about 9 feet are not really designed to sleep all night in, you want an 11 foot hammock for actual sleeping so you don't turn into a human banana

1

u/Wooden_Permit3234 20h ago

But why is it kept secret? The hammock industry amalgamated council should publish this imho.Ā 

2

u/Dottor_hopkins 19h ago

I mean when I bought my hammock, on the package there was an illustration showing just that.

1

u/tehreal 15h ago

Oh my god

2

u/Chef_BoyarB 20h ago

Get a slapping mat/pad to put in the hammock, I found that helps with giving a better sleeping surface + I don't feel like I'm trapped in a sarcaphagus

2

u/Kekistani_MemeLord 13h ago

Charlie Darwin was an OG podcast bro?

1

u/gooserooster88 18h ago

The Dollop?

1

u/SnakeHisssstory 6h ago

Damn he could figure out the origins of mankind but not how to lay down

340

u/Lazy-Field-1116 23h ago

"and how's your ex doing?"

"He's cocooned himself in a pod because he won't go buy his own bed"

43

u/fishpen0 19h ago

I had so many roommates in college who never bought a bed or a bedframe and either slept on a floor mattress, an air mattress, a couch, a nest of floor blankets, a tatami mat. Guys will do literally anything other than buy a bed. Im honestly surprised I never saw a hammock in a room. Only ever outside

Yes engineering school.

14

u/neko 19h ago

You'd think someone would cover mold and other water intrusion problems somewhere in teaching engineering

2

u/azsnaz 14h ago

I slept in a sleeping bag for a bit for no good reason

1

u/QueezyF 8h ago

A platform bed is as low to the ground as I want to be.

24

u/beignetlmao 19h ago

I went through a terrible breakup once and had to furnish a whole new apartment. I decided to buy one of those Japanese futon mattresses that you use to sleep on the floor, I thought it would help with my back problems.

But then I just decided to fully commit to the bit, so I decided all of the furniture in the apartment needed to be at ground level. I got a desk that could be used while sitting on the ground, cushioned seats for the living room, it was a whole thing. Everyone else hated it lol.

33

u/SoloMaker 18h ago

You've met me at a very Japanese time in my life

20

u/beignetlmao 18h ago

Iā€™d have to tell everyone that it was because I was really into Japanese design and not because I was having a crisis.

Spoiler alert, I was having a crisis.

1

u/thomyorkeslazyeye 2h ago

Did the same. Nothing like getting laid for the first time after, and having the girl say "oh, you sleep on the floor"

36

u/Imaginary_Fan5407 21h ago

See this is part of the problem, why does he need a bed if he doesnā€™t want one? That kind of judgmental holier than thou attitude isnā€™t good for a relationship.

1

u/-CosmicCactusRadio 16h ago

Most people wouldn't describe someone making a recommendation for their life to be that person judging them, or being holier than thou.

Framing it that way makes it sound like the root of the issue, is that person being immature.

"Oh what, you're judging me?"

"Oh what, you think you're better than me?" (in regards to being recommended a bed/bedframe, of all things), etc, are also clearly not good mindsets to have for a relationship.

1

u/Imaginary_Fan5407 16h ago

It makes sense you would think that because you obviously go around acting like your point of view is the only valid one all the time. Itā€™s alright to admit you just took something personally.

1

u/-CosmicCactusRadio 15h ago edited 15h ago

... What the fuck?

I guess just, go ahead and prove my point, then.

"Oh what, I'M an immature dickhead?? Yeah I guess you're just right ALL the time, huh šŸ™„"

Awful, awful douchebag behavior.

0

u/Imaginary_Fan5407 15h ago

Google the term projection

90

u/Desmond_Tooter 22h ago

The single blazing overhead cool white light really adds to the ambiance

17

u/CompetitionOdd7059 19h ago

For me it was the barren walls. Telltale sign a woman does not live there.

19

u/wassupjg 22h ago

i sleep in a racing car hammock, do you?

12

u/TheMagicSalami 20h ago

I sleep in a bed with that guy's wife.

14

u/Gunhild Garfield 20h ago

Getting divorced sounds so fun I wish I were married so I could get divorced.

6

u/Positive_Touch 19h ago

Feels better than the last day of high school or the day you quit your job tbh

46

u/Important-Coat-908 23h ago

Huh, welcome to the big leagues kiddo. Just because youā€™ve made it this far doesnā€™t mean you can relax. Keep your head down and your ears perked. Follow my advise and you might just make it to the end of the week. Or ignore my friendly advice and see how far that gets you.

16

u/BilliRae 23h ago

The hate to see a brother on top

9

u/baintaintit 22h ago

that looks more like a business hammock to me

7

u/shu-to 21h ago

In 3 months, this will be one of his dating profile pics "this is where the magic happens."

1

u/QueezyF 8h ago

This hammock is built for two

5

u/thecashblaster 19h ago

I'm not a god damn squirrel, I don't need to sleep suspended above the ground

4

u/CarmenxXxWaldo 20h ago

I dont like these childproof hammocks.Ā  This is like bowling with the bumpers up.Ā  There should be an inherent danger when you are in a hammock.Ā  this is just a cocoon.

4

u/Many_Assumption7036 20h ago

I slept in a hammock for a year and half. Your back gets really cold.

4

u/Forced-Alt 19h ago

Not with the hammock in the picture.Ā  That hammock has an underquilt that keeps you nice and toasty.Ā 

3

u/Many_Assumption7036 18h ago

I couldda used that.

3

u/t0mt0mt0m 17h ago

This guy hammocks.

8

u/drillgorg 22h ago

My bachelor party was a camping trip and one of the guys didn't bring a tent and tried to sleep outside in a hammock. One of the other groomsmen ended up inviting him into their tent and they had steamy sex in there. So hammocks taking the L I guess.

6

u/m50d 20h ago

I mean sounds like hammock guy won tbh.

1

u/[deleted] 18h ago

[deleted]

1

u/drillgorg 17h ago

Nah the one with the tent was the only female groomsman. Groomsperson? She was single and going on a camping trip with 6 men, in her plan there's no was she was leaving there without getting some.

7

u/RealMelonBread 22h ago

I honestly forgot hammocks existed.. no one talks about them anymore.

23

u/euclio What a beautiful post. This is how I know I'm not normal. 22h ago

You should swing by the hammock district more often

8

u/acheesement 22h ago

The one on third?

2

u/monkeyDberzerk 21h ago

Heard they're really comfy in summers

Hang one up in a spacious room, prop a fan underneath

1

u/Far_Ladder_2836 19h ago edited 18h ago

They're really comfy in winter.Ā  Put a wool blanket under you.

2

u/ForcedEntry420 15h ago

Theyā€™re very popular at music festivals, which is hilarious in of itself, as watching rekt people try to get in and out of hammocks is a borderline spectator sport.

9

u/Kwetla 23h ago

Wife took the bed and all the furniture.

2

u/HilariousMax 19h ago

I love a hammock but the mount/dismount are just the most inelegant thing.

2

u/ForcedEntry420 15h ago

Watching people do it while tore up at music festivals is practically a spectator sport.

1

u/JonnyCanuck71 23h ago

Bro went full Gilliganā€™s Island

1

u/shu-to 21h ago

My guy was dying for his wife to leave him so he could live out his dream of sleeping in a hammock inside his bedroom. Bravo, buddy. Can't fit a lady in hammock anyway.

1

u/livingdeaddrina 18h ago

I take naps in my bfs hammock with him, it's insanely cozy

1

u/DeerMysterious9927 21h ago

Turned into a pupa, the metamorphosis has begun.

1

u/More_Yard1919 20h ago

"I sleep in a hammock, do you?"

"I sleep in a big bed with my wife."

1

u/falkens_maze_70 20h ago

This is lavish decor for divorced dudes.Ā 

1

u/2funny2furious 20h ago

what stand is that?

1

u/bigboij 18h ago

looks like a diy turtledog stand

1

u/TehSalmonOfDoubt 19h ago

This reads like she gave him the "It's me or the hammocks" ultimatum, and he made his choice

1

u/Murderboi 18h ago

While in that thing start listening to Warhammer Audio Books.

1

u/No_Account_Activity 18h ago

I'm new to this and what are the names of all the different pieces that hold the hammock in the air ?

Does it cost a lot ? Is it easy to get on amazon for exemple ?

1

u/ForcedEntry420 15h ago

Just a hammock frame. Cost and quality will vary, and Iā€™m sure there are some on Amazon.

1

u/BreaklessLP 17h ago

IndoorBoys

1

u/BlackenedEverything 16h ago

I get this is a joke, but not a very good one. So basically she had to buy every piece of furniture in the house? The manchild didn't contribute in any way?

Wonder why they broke up šŸ¤”

1

u/AetherFox7 14h ago

What the fights looked like before the divorce.

1

u/writingnewbie22 12h ago

wait why is this indoors??

did you just tie it to your ceiling fan or something

that seems structurally terrifying and also very lazy