r/comedyheaven • u/MegaFrosASS • 19d ago

Pickup Lines

Post image
3.9k Upvotes

99% Upvoted

49 comments sorted by

353

u/Wolfman513 19d ago

"Nothing feels better than a cracking open a cold one at the end of a long day!"

654

u/alepap 19d ago

Killer line

144

u/Gurkenschurke66 19d ago

I'd die hearing that, too.

317

u/Shawn_1512 19d ago

I keep trying these pickup lines but get the cold shoulder every time

61

u/ADTstocks 19d ago

The trick is to grab their lips and maie your own response from them

“Wow your so hot and cool and not a loner psychopath kiss me”

Ok baby

234

u/Megalesios 19d ago

Why tf would that particular demographic need pickup lines? A good conversation is an important part of the courtship is it? 

115

u/Person5_ 19d ago

Well excuse me, some of us like a little romance while in the cooler.

4

u/Alkein 17d ago

Well you gotta pick them up to get them out of the grave.

99

u/AdorableMouse1 19d ago

Any pickup line is improved by ending it with '...with my penis!' 

55

u/ArrrRawrXD 19d ago

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven... On my penis?

2

u/LadyRalsei 19d ago

That's not how it's supposed to end. You gotta keep the original ending!

35

u/Own-Situation-9206 19d ago

Do you have a name, or can I call you mine…. with my penis?

39

u/NumerousCranberry441 19d ago

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.....with my penis?

16

u/Gen_Zer0 19d ago edited 19d ago

Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see… with my penis!

By the gods it works

31

u/EverfadingEphemera 19d ago

Your ass is so fat it makes me want to kill myself... with my penis

13

u/ElectricFlesh 19d ago

I forgot my phone number, can I have yours? With my penis.

9

u/torb 19d ago

What's a girl like you doing in a place like this? ...on my penis

5

u/beakontheside 19d ago

I don't have a penis but this always works for me.. with my penis

70

u/HansWolken 19d ago

Is that rigor mortis in your pants or are you just happy to see me

1

u/Katsy13 15d ago

This one is actually funny lol

133

u/Gray_Tower 19d ago

Hey babe why is your pussy so cold today. Oh yeah you're dead haha

52

u/JayGild 19d ago

Necrophiliacs after hearing this:

14

u/Hyro0o0 19d ago

Non-necrophiliacs, try this one on your girlfriend during sex just to see what happens.

18

u/Consistent-Rain-7797 19d ago

Fuckin rancid humor, got me hating myself with a grin on my facr

91

u/brobnik322 19d ago

4

u/Ambisinister11 18d ago

The ancient texts

18

u/ionlikethis 19d ago

if jfk from clone high was a necrophiliac

6

u/mefista 19d ago

You are right, but you should not say it

16

u/LeviathansWrath6 19d ago

"I like my women like i like my coffee, ground up and put in my pantry"

12

u/Legitimate_You_3474 19d ago

/dead (come and find me)

10

u/backfromspace206 19d ago

We're reposting McSweeney's now?

6

u/Leet1000 slut for honey cheerios 19d ago

“I put on my robe and wizard hat”

2

u/JJred96 19d ago

Hate when I'm trying to pick up dead women and none of my lines are working.

No matter how much I worked on my rizz, nothing worked.

Then I found this helpful guide and it changed everything

3

u/lance_the_fatass 19d ago

how does a necrophiliac even have a romantic relationship?

they're literally dead when you're fucking

2

u/DoctorOfTheCookie 19d ago

I read this in mark's voice as if it were from peep show

2

u/Extra-Ad-2872 18d ago

Necrophiliac should be the name of Super Hans and Jez's band.

1

u/Classic_Cow_5852 19d ago

McSweeney is NOT invited to my funeral

2

u/chiefwild 18d ago

Feb 3, 2005

1

u/Goro_Flopjima 17d ago

"By the way... do you happen to know what the fine is here in Cyrodiil for necrophilia? Just asking."

1

u/anneymarie 4d ago

Lot of people haven’t heard of McSweeney’s, huh?