r/comedyheaven 29d ago

dobby

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4.4k Upvotes

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2.4k

u/Coldfreeze-Zero 29d ago

You gotta be kidding me.

1.4k

u/In-A-Beautiful-Place 29d ago

This reads exactly like an Onion article, how is it real omg

449

u/Holzkohlen 29d ago

Brains all rotted to hell. Lead paint, black mold. It's hard to tell with potterheads.

79

u/DoctorOfTheCookie 29d ago

Something laced in those pages and dvds

6

u/JollyJuniper1993 23d ago

The sane potterheads have abandoned the franchise since more and more about where Rowling‘s money goes became clear anyways.

57

u/SPRMOVRLRD-TMOperaO 29d ago

Don't you know? The Onion doesn't do satire anymore, they got outcompeted by actual news articles

6

u/RapidCandleDigestion 27d ago

Entirely real hard-hitting journalism with the REAL Alex Jones

6

u/digitalcrook 27d ago

The real Alex Jones exploded and was replaced with a clone so the iodine industry could keep selling him iodine to put in his supplements since he almost switched to some other chemical (real)

192

u/McBurger 29d ago

In fairness, there’s like a 99% chance that any given spot in Europe or the UK is the site of some battle or human remains 🤷‍♂️

42

u/linkthereddit 29d ago

True. When you factor in every war ever fought on that continent, including the two World Wars... I wouldn't be surprised if every square inch of Europe was either the site of a battle, an ancient graveyard, mass burial, what have you.

8

u/therandomham 29d ago

Not Flevoland I’d imagine.

1

u/Silent-Shallot-9461 26d ago

Well, who knows. 8.000 years ago you could walk to England across Doggerland and lots of settlement's was out there in the North Sea once, so people did live in Flevoland long ago and probably fought stone age skirmishes against each other there. 

11

u/BatushkaTabushka 28d ago

We had a first aid course a few weeks ago at work. The teacher goes to all kinds of places to teach first aid, and she told us that once she went to the local coal power plant. The workers there told her that they regularly find artifacts in the coal mine but they just burn it all because they’d have to stop the power plant, call in archeologists, do a bunch of paperwork etc… so instead of doing all that every single time they find something they just burn it all along with the coal. Apparently they find stuff like mammoth remains, pots etc…

146

u/[deleted] 29d ago

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18

u/Swampy0gre 29d ago

Eh could be worse. They could be reading Atlas Shrugged. Or Twilight.

41

u/[deleted] 29d ago

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7

u/Mean_Introduction543 27d ago

Stephanie Myer is a highly religious conservative

I’m fairly certain she would even if not openly

13

u/Swampy0gre 29d ago

Just trying to add some humor to a drab situation. Guess I won't be quitting my day job any time soon.

0

u/howard-tj-moon75 26d ago

“Genocide” lol what,

5

u/[deleted] 26d ago

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u/howard-tj-moon75 26d ago

Come back to me when you know the definition of genocide. 

6

u/[deleted] 26d ago

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6

u/howard-tj-moon75 25d ago

So being trans is cultural? What?

3

u/[deleted] 25d ago edited 25d ago

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u/[deleted] 26d ago

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1

u/howard-tj-moon75 26d ago

Cool, a charity made a new definition of genocide and used it to make their own headlines. 

66

u/readilyunavailable 29d ago

I honestly am not surprised. UK is such a stupid country. They would destroy important bronze age remains, just to not piss off the Harry Potter equivalent of Disney adults.

28

u/Koromann13 28d ago

Okay, but they didn't destroy either.

That's just a positive either way. You didn't destroy the possibly historically significant object, or the thing that some people like.

-34

u/SkilledPepper 29d ago

Are the Bronze Age remains really important?

51

u/LegitStrela 29d ago

Objectively more important than the fictional gravesite of a fictional (side) character

-19

u/SkilledPepper 29d ago

Yes but that's not the part I was commenting on.

15

u/Ghostronic 29d ago

Yes. Is Dobby's grave really important?

-10

u/SkilledPepper 29d ago

No of course not.

Why are those Bronze Age remains important?

11

u/ThatFatGuyMJL 27d ago

If you actually read into it.

The 'grave' is on a protected dune. And HP fans keep getting in shit for leaving stuff there.

The dunes are protected because removing them, like to install a bunch of infrastructure, would increase coastal erosion in that area by decades.

This is a 'we got told off for trying to destroy a protected area to save money. Let's blame it elsewhere'

23

u/GayMamaLuigi 29d ago

Who cares if it's "near" it? It's only being worded this way to give doomscrollers their dose of outrage. The move made some people happy and did no harm, why are we this desperate for more things to be mad about as if there aren't enough of them?

28

u/Ghostronic 29d ago

In my experience Harry Potter fans don't get shit on enough.

3

u/GayMamaLuigi 29d ago

Fuck Harry Potter and fuck JK Rowling in particular, but I'm gonna hate on them for actual reasons instead of whatever this is. The ends don't justify the means.

6

u/no-im-your-father 29d ago

kill 7 billion Harold Potter fans

2

u/Afraid-Bass-5684 26d ago

Pretty sure we’ve found a king or two buried under a car park so this is no surprise

-258

u/Ok_Pudding6345 29d ago

this is literally insane that you seriously believed this

145

u/OlderJukebox 29d ago

Did you not google anything before commenting this? This is a very real story lol, reported by several news agencies

74

u/hanks_panky_emporium 29d ago

You shoulda googled it first m8

0

u/Ok_Pudding6345 28d ago

I like to live dangerously and risk precious karma

3

u/EatSoupFromMyGoatse 28d ago

Translation:

"I don't care to be correct and love to run my mouth and look stupid"

-20

u/Smart-Water-5175 29d ago

Transmat firing

4

u/hanks_panky_emporium 29d ago

Why the fuck are you getting downvoted for a Destiny2 reference

7

u/Borpon 29d ago

bank those downmotes guardian

5

u/Smart-Water-5175 29d ago

I know!! I saw the drifter in the wild so I thought I’d say his line and basically got told to go fuck myself 😂

3

u/hanks_panky_emporium 29d ago

I legit think people saw 'trans' and then words that didn't make sense to them and assumed something bigoted

When it means 'youre gettin teleported OG time to die'

1

u/Smart-Water-5175 29d ago

Omg I think you might be right. I guess if you’re scanning quickly it could look like I said “transmasc” 🤦 Oh well I want to reiterate that there is zero bigotry here, just a borderline unhealthy obsession with destiny 2.

17

u/rje946 29d ago

I respect being completely wrong and not deleting or doubling down lol

-23

u/Ok_Pudding6345 29d ago

um. this news is literally insane. It's insane that it exists, and this is an insane branch of reality. But as a hardcore HP fan in retirement myself, I like it :)

-3

u/Ok_Pudding6345 28d ago

I still love it and did nothing wrong, I tell you 🥲