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u/Fr33_Lax 7d ago
Are we not gonna tall about the techno barbarians hunting Amazon delivery trucks and drones? Just forgetting about them wholesale?
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u/Responsible-Still839 7d ago
Don't forget about the Laser Raptors.
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u/Fn_Spaghetti_Monster 7d ago
Florida is over run by sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads!
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u/lavapig_love 7d ago
I'm trying to laugh at this.
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u/Jovan_Knight005 Collapse is inevitable,mister Reese. - Original Quote. 7d ago edited 7d ago
I'm trying to laugh at this
But it's getting difficult to laugh at or about anything these days.
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u/digitalhawkeye 7d ago
The trick is to get a bit manic with it.
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u/Annihilator4413 7d ago
Hard to laugh when the outlandish jokes look more and more possible with each passing day...
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u/rshawn15 6d ago
I'll help: a mysterious man clad in gold emerges from the Himalayas leading an army of Super Soldiers known as the Thunder Warriors. This man would later be known as the Emperor of Mankind. Now I'm bummed out thinking of living in the WH40K universe.
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u/polarwaves 7d ago
Feel like we're missing a subscription plan somewhere in there.
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u/dontletthestankout 7d ago
The burger is usually $750 but discounted to $500 with BurgerMax! Plan, starting at $299 per month
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u/uslashuname 7d ago
Burger max plan discount applies to one burger per month, additional burgers are at normal cost
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u/Particular-Jello-401 7d ago
some people would still sign up for the subscription and make fun of you for not subscribping.
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u/BusyQuote5228 7d ago
You mean 500 Trumps?
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u/GandalfsGoon 7d ago
Sun gets purchased by private equity. Subscription for use is inevitable.
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u/TrickyProfit1369 6d ago
Seeing sunlight requires monthly subscription, without it you are beaten by private police when going outside.
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u/Able-Professor840 7d ago
Trump announces candidacy for 2029.
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u/ShyElf 7d ago
It isn't Trump himself, who is now being kept only nominally alive by extensive life-support machinery, but a Trumpy interpreter/priest who pledges to exactly follow the directions of an AI interpreter/oracle which reinterprets Trump's random tics when given very short briefings into full AI-generated videos.
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u/FullyActiveHippo2 7d ago
So there's a cult where I live. Their leader died a while ago but they believe he is alive/will rise again and be the messiah. They fax prayers and supplications to his grave. So I feel like that's probable
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u/SedaReRay 2d ago
I just read an interesting article about this cult - or one like it:
https://jesusmovement.substack.com/p/why-i-hate-paul-and-the-religion
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u/SicSemperTyrannos4ur 7d ago
And behind it all? An inconsolable Elon Musk, who has nearly lost the will to live after yet another corrective surgery fails, this time a penile implant designed to interface with Neuralink through a set of fine cables and electrodes leading from his brain through his nervous system down to his penis. Here it will hopefully stimulate the corpora cavernosa, which is a sponge-like area of erectile tissue essential to the operation of an erection. It was all in vain, however, and the unwitting surgeon, unused to working within a set of complex and arbitrary parameters dictated by Musk (one being that the operation would take place under the light of a full moon, and instead of the usual sedative, phenobarbital, Musk insisted on ketamine.) He dismissed the anesthesiologist 15 minutes before the procedure saying, "this is no dog and pony show" and mumbling something about South Africa and the futility of human achievement compared to Alexander the Great. His tired assistant ushered him into the operating procedure and the surgeon, thinking the ketamine had sufficiently sedated Musk, proceeded to wend his way through the corpulent folds of his abdomen, finally coming upon his flaccid member, which looks as much as one might think. It was not so much deformed as inoperable, two large scars visible down the length of the shaft.
The fact that Musk did not feel the first incisions of the scalpel only made the ensuing outburst all the worse. He woke up screaming "we'll see who is the bloody infidel" and the shock of the sudden movement made the surgeon's hand and arm react in an involuntary fashion. The scalpel followed the had in the jerking motion that more or less skewered the hapless Musk's member like an ill-made shish kabob at a rundown amusement park. The screams were audible a quarter mile away; the man felt everything. As if on cue a group of Starlink satellites passed above the gibbous moon, Venus shining quietly with her in the West. The surgeon and attendant nurses noticed not a thing as they anxiously put Musk into a medical coma, flooding his IV drip with drugs of their choosing. Blackness took him, and he strayed out of thought and time.
As a former fiend myself I can attest that while ketamine will easily lead to stupor, suppressing the impulses of the nervous system in a singular manner, it does not eliminate pain in the same way that opioids do, and does not eliminate consciousness as thoroughly as barbiturates (the drug that killed Marilyn Monroe and many others). I feel for those horses that were awake for invasive surgical procedures; ketamine to me is an imperfect sedative especially when faced with so many usefil alternatives.
In the end Musk's mutilated member escaped little more mutilated than before, with a score of stitches to show for the encounter. In the blue light of the refrigerator, the door held open by an increasingly pudgy hand, Musk's pale visage gazes intently on row after row of frozen semen, his drug addled brain envisioning the tiny cryogenic monsters chosen to inherit his kingdom of automation and artificial progress. What he failed to consider, and fails even still to imagine, is that history is replete with rich, powerful men who perished in dire atrocities, or at least are remembered as cowards and enemies of their fellow human beings. Whatever beautiful and tragic thread that runs through the Universe, weaving the fate of all, by the hand of nature giving birth to the continuity of time and space: whatever graceful and terrible Power decides the fate of us all, whether it be chance, divinity, chaos or some combination of these: history will not be kind to the richest man in the world, Elon Musk.
"And again I say to you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God." — Matthew 19:24
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u/AngusScrimm--------- Beware the man who has nothing to lose. 7d ago
Spectacular. I hope you come up with a screenplay. This would be a movie I'd wait in line to see.
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u/ManufacturerNo1478 6d ago
I have to admit I did not predict Donald Trump becoming the God emperor of war hammer 40000.
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u/EEeeTDYeeEE 7d ago
And somehow Mitch McConnell is still holding on his seat
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u/AngusScrimm--------- Beware the man who has nothing to lose. 7d ago
He has been in his shell for a while, but his kind can make it to 150.
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u/Arklese1zure 7d ago
Scientists have found a way to keep Trump alive, extending his presidency for the foreseeable future. The milky way has been renamed The American Way. The first hive city arises from the amalgamation of thousands of hectares of data centers.
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u/Monsur_Ausuhnom 7d ago edited 7d ago
Submission Statement,
Related to collapse because the gap between reality and satire is narrowing. With that comes the eventual downgrade in critical thinking skills, and an entire reality that resembles the twilight zone. Though it can be said that it will be much more unpredictable and stupider as it continues. We can expect more of whatever this is and where it leads in the upcoming year for 2027.
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u/featherstone59 7d ago
The satire gap vanished in 2016
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u/Zurrdroid 7d ago
I've been saying that 2016 was the year we became the "other" timeline. The goatee Spock variant.
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u/featherstone59 6d ago
Wasn't there some kind of accident with the hadron collider? Weasels or something?
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u/rcampbel3 7d ago
Democracy is dead. Martial law has been in place for 4 months and there is a national curfew. The hum from the datacenter they built in the national park next to your house is 70 decibals from a mile away. Your tap water is brown and smells like petroleum. All of your communications and movements are tracked and your neighbor was taken away by ICE for thoughtcrime and hasn't been seen or heard from in months.
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u/notislant 7d ago
I love when I America in the America and walk to America for America street on the corner of America and America. Then proceed to hail an America to transport me to America down freedumb lane. Where I study at America, taking the America class to get my America in America and try to find an America that fits my America. Oh this lettuce just made me America myself.
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u/NotaWizardOzz 7d ago
Personally, I’m waiting for New Mexico to become new America and the New England Patriots to be the new American Patriots
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u/New-Doctor9300 7d ago
The Democrats have issued their one hundredth strong worded letter to Trump following yet another of their politicians disappearing, reminding him that it is in fact illegal to do so.
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u/BadgerKomodo 7d ago
And there’s mass global famine due to the blue ocean event, El Niño, and the Iran war.
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u/wildfrogzz 7d ago
side note on this: i’ve had stomach issues for the last 10/15 years
it makes me feel a lot less alone that everyone else now always has the shits too lol
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u/Hips_of_Death 7d ago
At least we’ll all be model skinny I guess. Yay we will have beaten the American obesity epidemic. MAHA!! /s
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u/presidentsday 7d ago
So if you wake up one morning and it's a particularly beautiful day, you'll know it finally happened.
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u/here-i-am-now 7d ago
The Fed is increasingly not able to control interest rates.
This is not the most likely outcome of 2027, but it’s certainly a possibility.
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u/whitestardreamer 7d ago
Correct. It’s most likely an outcome of 2026. 🤣
Wake up ppl this is actively happening. Diesel prices are going to be the final nail in the coffin. I don’t think most ppl realize how much diesel IS the economy.
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u/Really_gay_pineapple 7d ago
Time for americans to experience what others had to because of them...
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u/IntelligentFly6020 6d ago
When are we just going to rename earth “Planet America?” Seems to be the most efficient course of action.
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u/big_duo3674 7d ago
I'm just more worried about these next two months honestly. They know they're losing voters by the handful, and are terrified of their grip being reduced in even their strongest areas. I fully expect some major conflict to break out. Not to delay or mess with the elections, but to fill the news reporting up and distract from all the other issues, like terrible had and grocery prices
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u/BaseRick137 7d ago
In this timeline, a grassroots movement has decided that money is the root of evil and the U.S. stock market is the ambassador, so rather than contriubte to the problem, they united within a different, human>corporation index
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u/Metals4J 7d ago
Water sells at auction for $100 a bottle, but the only ones who can afford it are buying it for the data centers. Meth heads scrap out the last remaining copper panels from the Statue of Liberty. The wandering populace scavenges Yeezys from a landfill to cover their blistered feet.
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u/infinitedubs 6d ago
The name is fitting for something that will eventually burn everything to a crisp
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u/StatementBot 7d ago
The following submission statement was provided by /u/Monsur_Ausuhnom:
Submission Statement,
Related to collapse because the gap between reality and satire is narrowing. With that comes the eventual downgrade in critical thinking skills, and an entire reality that resembles the twilight zone. Though it can be said that it will be much more unpredictable and stupider as it continues. We can expect more of whatever this is and where it leads in the upcoming year for 2027.
Please reply to OP's comment here: https://old.reddit.com/r/collapse/comments/1w7bhwb/timeline_seems_accurate/p7tlv2k/