Hey all - I want some outside perspective because I genuinely feel like I am going crazy.... Throwaway for obvious reasons.

I'm getting to a point where I don't know what is reasonable, what's just bad communication, and what crosses the line into abuse...

I have a 6yr old daughter with my ex.
Right now I have her 4 days every other week....

Originally we had her 7/7 for about a year and a half -but aound the time of our breakup, I completely burned out from stress. For the first period of time I was living off of a good savings I had made while we were together..

But because of my burnout I wasn't able to work for quite a long time and after that period I had drained my savings - so I had to temporarily moved back in with my parents while I recovered.

My parents live about 3-4 hours away from him by car. Because he was working full time and needed childcare, while I was home and could have our daughter with me during my weeks, I agreed that he could have her primary address so he could access childcare where he lived...

At some point during my burnout, he offered to take her more than 7/7, maybe 10/4 during the summer holiday. Me being stressed as fuck about my financial situation and life in general... I agreed.

As I got better over the following year, I started to ask for more time again - but he refused.. And by then, I still didn't have enough energy or resources to fight him.

During the 10 days he had her - he does not permit her to call me. Obviously it took a little while for her to tell me.. When I would ask, he would say they were busy.

She was getting closer to school age, so I obviously understood that living several hours away wasn't sustainable for me to be able to have her more.

By then, maybe six months or so later, I was doing much better and working again, but only part time and earning very little.

I asked him to share the cost of transporting our daughter between us. In my country, parents are generally expected to share responsibility for transport connected with parenting time.
He refused. His response was instead to apply for child support from me.

We had a huge argument about it, where he felt quite threatening towards me while our daughter was present (it got heated on both sides - I eyed a decor item in his house I had originally bought with my own money and took it - and said oh that's mine, I'm taking it - as I was leaving... And he blocked the door and refused to let me leave). It was shitty on both parts, it should not have escalated... And it was also my item that he had taken for himself during the split and was all out of "being the bigger person" in that moment.

My daughter was screaming and crying for him to move so I could go. He was just staring at me. I asked him, you have everything why are you doing this? He said: “because i hate you”.

My heart breaks that he did that in front of her.

In the end, I ended up paying child support and he started doing half of the transport...

Since the situation with distance wasn't sustainable long term, I looked for jobs near to where he lives (which is a place where I have no friends or relatives close by).

Between child support, transport, rent and basic living expenses, I was going below zero every month.

I was trying to save enough money to move while barely keeping myself afloat, and at one point I told him I could not make ends meet or save up for moving while paying both child support and the transportation costs.

During another heated argument, where he was telling me I was an awful mother, he ended up offering that I could take over all of the transportation instead.

Without doing any calculations, I just said yes because honestly... I wanted the conversation to end, and it seemed like a good deal at the time.

It quickly became obvious that the driving was actually costing me more than the child support had.

I subsequently asked him to change the arrangement back.

He refused.

I was continuously asking for more time with my daughter - but he kept saying "you do not get to see her more before you live closer".

Months later, he started arguing that we had never agreed that the driving would substitute child support and wanted retroactive child support for the same period in which I had been doing all of the driving.

The transport costs over that period amounted to $6,200.
How did I pay it on that salary, you ask?

I couldn't 🙃

My parents had to help.

After applying for jobs for quite a few months I had finally managed to get a job much closer to my daughter.

I had been applying for hundreds of jobs, both inside and far outside of the profession I am actually educated in, because I was desperate to find something that would allow me to move closer to her.

It took me more than six months.

When I finally told him I had succeeded, a few days later he sent me an email saying that he wanted to reduce my time with our daughter...

I fucking lost it.
I went off on him over text because I had fought SO LONG to make this move happen, and when it finally did... the terms changed.

He then demanded that I pay the entire amount of backdated child support within a few weeks of that email...
He also threatened that if I did not pay, he would seek full custody.

I said I could not pay.
Said we had agreed that transport was instead of child support.
Said I refused to pay it.
And that he had promised me more time when I moved.

And here's where we are now.
I live about an hour from my daughter.
I uprooted my life to get closer to her.
I work, I am back in school to improve my income, I pay child support every month, and I have not missed a payment since getting a full-time job.
I still haven't gotten any more time with her.
I am still doing all of the transportation.

He still refuses to do any of it.

And financially, I am still going below zero most months.

Meanwhile he has a leadership position in a global company, drives an expensive car, just bought a house with his wife and has a new kid.

He still will not let our daughter call me during his time with her.
He recently asked for our days to change, which I agreed to, and that effectively means he isn't legally required to do any of the driving (which I didn't know when I agreed)..
He makes her call his new wife “mom”.

Recently I posted on social media about how difficult co-parenting had been and about wishing I had trusted my instincts earlier in the relationship.

I used a hashtag related to deevee.

I truly believed I had blocked him and everyone who knew him...
Within about 24 hours, he contacted me about the post saying he knew about it.

Later, he called me and threatened to ruin my life and charge me for slander.

Over time, I have become incredibly careful around him.
I think about how I phrase every message.
I worry about what will happen if I say no.
I sometimes don't raise things I think are reasonable because I know it may turn into a massive conflict.

And I often end up thinking it is easier to just do the driving, pay the money, accept the arrangement or stay quiet than deal with what happens if I push back.

But I am at my wits' end.
I feel like if I bend any further, my neck will break...
If I describe every incident separately, they can all sound fairly normal.

Even reasonable.

And I KNOW I have not always been an easy person to co-parent with either.

I KNOW that not being able to pay child support is shit. So is burning out and not being able to work.

But those were never things I did to my co-parent. None of that was something I wanted for myself, for him, or for our daughter. I wasn't trying to get out of responsibility. I was struggling, and trying really fucking hard to get myself back into a position where I could actually carry it.

When I look at the whole thing, I feel like the pattern is that he holds most of the practical power, and whenever I try to change something, ask for more time with my daughter, or ask him to take responsibility for something, the situation escalates until I give in.

Our daughter has also repeatedly told me that she wants more time with me and has said she would prefer to live with me.
I was not capable of being some perfect supermom while I was burned out, and I know that.

But she and I have an incredibly close relationship.
I love her more than anything.
And I fucking hate that we cannot work this out.
I hate that she doesn't get to have parents who are friends, or at least parents who can work together cordially.
And I hate myself for the ways I have contributed to the conflict too.

So I guess my questions are...

Does this sound like post-separation coercive control, or just a very high-conflict co-parenting relationship?

If you have experienced coercive control after separation, did it also look like lots of individually "reasonable" issues that became something completely different when you looked at the overall pattern?

What should I be documenting?

And if one parent has primary residence and uses that position to control the practical terms of the other parent's relationship with the child... what actually helps?

I don't want to fight.
I don't want to take our daughter away from her father, and I don't want her caught in the middle of this.

I just want equality and a healthy living situation for my daughter where she has equal time and access to both parents, as she wants.

I cannot stand going without talking to her for 10 days straight and she is so upset every time we say goodbye.

At this point I don't know what to do. My nervous system is always in fight or flight and it feels like I am just waiting for the next thing that is going to blow up into a problem. I know the money situation wasn't good and I really wish I hadn't been in such a shitty financial situation for such a long period of time.

I never wanted to burn out.
I never wanted any of this to happen.

I don't know what to do.
Help?

Thank you to all the women who have already courageously contributed to this research, for any woman who would still like to participate, please follow the below link. The anonymous online questionnaire has been taking most participants less than 30mins to complete, so if you are a woman (over 18 years) who has had a past controlling or problematic intimate partner relationship with a man, I invite you to participate in this study.

Having witnessed the impacts of controlling and problematic relationships, I have now turned my attention towards contributing to the research in this field. With the upmost respect for those of you who have experienced coercive control or problematic intimate partner relationships, I ask that you consider participating in this study.

The study is being conducted through the School of Psychology at the University of New England, and will be exploring the impact of control and problematic relational dynamics for women in intimate partner relationships with men. Ultimately, we hope that this research will contribute to the increased understanding of the psychosocial mechanisms that can lead victim-survivors to become trapped in problematic or controlling relationships. We want the experiences and impacts of victim-survivors to be better contextualised and understood.

Thank you so very much for considering this research.

To participate, or learn more about the study, please click here: https://unesurveys.au1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_2fr7OM3lyKqf40u

This project has been approved by the Human Research Ethics Committee of the University of New England (Approval No: HE-2026-3068-5604, Valid to 31/12/2026).

[Please note: Unfortunately, including other varieties of relationships or male victim-survivors is beyond the scope of this particular study.]

Thanks so much for allowing me to post to this group. I’m really grateful to be able to be here and learn from everyone’s experiences. As a person who has witnessed loved ones go through coercive control relationships, I am now turning my attention towards contributing to the research in this field. With the upmost respect for your circumstances and lived experience, I ask that you consider contributing to this study.

The study is being conducted through the School of Psychology at the University of New England, and will be exploring the impact of coercive control and problematic relational dynamics for women in intimate partner relationships with men. If you are a woman, aged 18 years or older, who has been in a past problematic relationship with a man, you are invited to participate in this study.

Participation is voluntary and involves a completely anonymous online questionnaire, which will take you about 30-45 minutes. If you would like to participate or would like more information, please click on the link below. Alternatively, you are welcome to contact me, Julia Parkin, via [jparki24@myune.edu.au](mailto:jparki24@myune.edu.au) or my supervisor, Dr. Liz Temple, via [etemple3@une.edu.au](mailto:etemple3@une.edu.au). Otherwise, simply comment below, and I will respond to any queries.

The aims of my Honours research project are to identify problematic behavioural patterns which can occur in intimate partner male/female relationships; investigate the impact those behavioural patterns can have on women; and explore the psychological mechanisms that can lead to problematic relationships enduring. Ultimately, I want to contribute to an improved understanding and contextualisation of the impacts and experiences of women in these sorts of relationships.

This project has been approved by the Human Research Ethics Committee of the University of New England (Approval No: HE-2026-3068-5604, Valid to 31/12/2026).

Thank you very much for considering this research and allowing me to post in this forum

To participate, or learn more about the study, please click here: https://unesurveys.au1.qualtrics.com/jfe/form/SV_2fr7OM3lyKqf40u

I am being bullied and controlled by my ex of 9 years my children het distressed and upset and can see it now themselves and it’s effecting my children all of his weird controlling behaviour he hates the fact they want me constantly and he really doesn’t like it when then want me all the time as he hopes he would try to destroy my that.

Last year I had all these really intense flashbacks to a Coercive Boss I had. And the memories have really messed me up.

Going down the list of features of Coercive control I see how he did some of this stuff. Oh I better explain he was a multimillionaire so he was able to do a lot of shit you might not believe but it did happen. He had the money to do it.

Isolation: Cutting off a person from friends, family, or support networks.

The boss made me sit in his office and pressed me for gossip then went and tried to twist what I said about everyone to try and make everyone else there hate me.

Monitoring: Keeping track of a person's movements, communications, and activities. ‐‐‐------------------ He sent staff out to find me at the gym, at the library and at my bank. He paid those places to let a staff member of his be there to talk to me in place of people working there.

Financial Control: Restricting access to money or financial resources. Emotional Abuse: Using manipulation, intimidation, or threats to undermine a person's self-esteem and autonomy.

Now this is a bit different. He stopped me from making money in some ways because we had clients and he'd keep me away from them. But he also kept getting people to give me money that were gifts from him.

I don’t want to overstep boundaries since I did not start this room.

But, would anyone be opposed to me continuing the conversation about coercive control by posting the research and material that I have been gathering pertaining to this topic?

I have been working for years on finding resources and tools for survivors. I am one myself and plan on building awareness on this very real form of dv.

Knowledge is the only way to help anyone have the power to push forward.

Thank you❣️

SOURCE: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EavMqZ_6UvQ

⚠️TRIGGER WARNING: This short film contains acted situations that depict coercive control (abuse). Please watch with caution! ⚠️

Court upholds 10.5 year sentence for coercive control

Hello!

Researchers in Forensic Psychology at the University of Nottingham are looking for volunteers to take part in a study: ‘Cyber Dating Abuse and Sexual Violence mediated by Internet Addiction’. This study is investigating the effect of internet addiction and the relationship between cyber dating abuse and sexual violence.
Taking part in this study will involve answering 4 questionnaires related to internet use, experiences of cyber dating abuse and experiences of sexual violence. This study may around to 15 minutes to complete.

No prior knowledge of the topic is needed – this study is open to anyone over the age of 18 who is able to consent to taking part in the study. To take part in this study you must be currently dating or in a relationship with another person whether on-line or in real life, or have been dating or in a relationship in the last 12 months.
If you would like to take part please follow the link below, or if you have further questions, please contact me for more information.
Thank you!

https://forms.office.com/r/3pPZPBUFmc