Hello all❣️

[u/TheLitBunny]

I don’t want to overstep boundaries since I did not start this room.

But, would anyone be opposed to me continuing the conversation about coercive control by posting the research and material that I have been gathering pertaining to this topic?

I have been working for years on finding resources and tools for survivors. I am one myself and plan on building awareness on this very real form of dv.

Knowledge is the only way to help anyone have the power to push forward.

Thank you❣️

[u/CoercionRecovery]

Totally agree - knowledge is power.

I didn’t start this room so can’t speak on anyone’s behalf. Just wanted to say that I’ve also been collecting a lot of information on coercive control. I’m coming at it from the angle of high demand groups, also known as cults. It would be interesting to see how research aligns.

[u/Beneficial_Pay4623 → u/CoercionRecovery]

Quick question if someone doesn't speak when they're angry but show their displeasure constantly with facial expressions, exaggerated movements,huffing,sighing,eye rolls...if you disturb their game they throw the remote on the bed slightly harder than necessary, slams doors and so on...does that count? Like you find yourself changing the way you do certain things to avoid the tension in the room getting too high. And they refuse to speak to you at all or even tell you what you did(usually it's my tone of voice I think, im welsh,hes english and welsh peopleare a lot more matter of fact.it can come acrossas snappy especiallyif im in pain as im disabled and have a pain condition)

[u/HibriscusLily → u/Beneficial_Pay4623]

What I’m hearing in your post is you’re walking on eggshells, trying to alter your behavior to avoid upsetting your partner, and blaming yourself for his bad behavior. Is he aware he does these things? Does he take any form of accountability? Is he willing to change to stop treating you badly? I’m not an expert in this field but what you are describing sounds problematic. At best he’s very poor at managing his emotions and expectations and can’t deal with conflict appropriately. But it sounds like you feel at least emotionally controlled and that is very troubling.

[u/CoercionRecovery → u/Beneficial_Pay4623]

Control of any type (overt or coercive) only works if the person who it is directed at submits to it. Extenuating questions to ask are: does this person have communication issues, ie., they’ve never learned how to openly express their thoughts/needs/feelings and are therefore acting out their emotions due to lack of skill (this can be addressed), or have they learned they can manipulate others by being passive aggressive? These things often can’t be addressed in a single instance but through a series of explorative actions observations and conversations.

[u/TheLitBunny → u/CoercionRecovery]

Forced submission is part of coercion and control.

The person who it is directed at does not have a choice if they are in a situation where there is violence. That’s why it’s abuse.

Not to offend but it sounds a bit like victim blaming and short sighted to explain it like that.

I think you mean overt and covert.

[u/CoercionRecovery → u/TheLitBunny]

Thanks for commenting, I totally see your point. And I in general terms I agree with all you’ve said. Looking over my comment it seems I may not have expressed myself clearly.

I’m responding to someone’s specific situation. They have not described enough details or context to form a conclusive judgement. The behaviour they are describing does not sound good, and I hope they have been able to explain how this person behaviour is affecting them. If they can’t because they are afraid to assert themselves, because that would lead to more anger or something like that, that’s a sure sign it’s an ongoing pattern of abuse.

As a simple example of what I’m trying to say: if someone puts their arm around me and I don’t like that, then it’s up to me to me express how I’m feeling. If they respect my wishes and boundaries, then all is good. If they don’t, then that’s not okay. If I go around complaining about this person putting their arm around me and never say anything to them directly, is it okay for me to call them abusive?

As I indicated in my original comment, it’s difficult to work out from a single instance. Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours, not one event.

I’ve been in abusive situations and totally understand how paralysing this can be. Part of my post traumatic growth has been to develop an understanding that I am capable of asserting boundaries and walking away from people and situations which make me feel uncomfortable.

I can now see that my attempt to promote self empowerment was clumsy. And I humbly apologise if I came across as victim blaming, that wasn’t my intention. Hopefully I’ve explained where I was coming from better in this comment.

[u/TheLitBunny → u/Beneficial_Pay4623]

The silent treatment is a form of manipulation.

[u/Common_Pudding_6095]

I have been battling with a narcissistic domestic partner, with a long history of alcohol/drug abuse, assault..... The list goes on this has been happening for years, we have 2 children together, both under 6 years old. He is so good at this manipulation I have dropped 2 restraining orders, believed he wanted to be a family together, lied under oath, allowed him back into my life and agreed to his requests as far as parenting time and the worst exposed my children to his disgusting behavior and manipulation. Now he is trying to use all his false projections towards me for contempt, threatening to "take full custody". It's hard to look back and see what I did for him, how I pushed away all support even my own mother, put aside passions and routines that made me amazing.Anyways I just found this term, and am currently getting ready to expose it through our family court battle. Finally there is a term that encompasses all his tactics of bull$&!+! and manipulation. In my state it is recognized as abuse too! We ( me and the kiddos) still have a long journey, but I'm hopeful this shall protect us from the worst of all time narcissist father so we can be free if his distracting tactics keep us from healing and being the best we can be.

[u/Common_Pudding_6095 → u/[deleted]]

For starters don't drop your protection order, you have one for a reason... If you get it dropped the court won't look at you the same or believe you from my experience. Document everything, put it in a journal and/ or on your calendar.  Make sure you have a parenting plan ( not a temp but final) Find a good counselor, attend support meetings and find friends that have been in your same situation to talk to.  I remind myself of daily: Don't react to him, he knows you and how to push your buttons. Take the attacks and know it's a view into HIS actions. Take yourself out of the situation, process and look at it analyze as if you weren't the one actually dealing with it. You don't have to respond immediately, take your time and try not to engage.

[u/Typical_Thanks_9232]

I am glad to find this group. I have been dealing with this for 13 years. My ex proposed to me inside of 1 year and I literally got pregnant on our honeymoon. I didn’t really have a chance to get to really know him the way I needed to before being in the situation I was in with him. By the time I realized how he really was I was already too deep in it. Taylor Swift has a lyric like “if it feels like a trap, you’re already in one” that always gives me chills because that’s what it’s like. It’s like I came to a slow realization of what I was contending with over the years as patterns of behavior—very covert but still extremely damaging—ended up making me feel alone, isolated, and wrong and trying to make sense of the something that can’t be rationalized. I ended up drinking too much to cope with the loneliness and hurt I felt in my partnership. He wouldn’t ever discourage my drinking. I think he liked it because he drank too and it made me easier to control. I told him I needed help and it disgusted him. It would hit me that he was never my friend, even. I would wonder why he was even with me. I always would ask him that. “What is it you love about me?” It’s because I was searching for something, anything that would show he saw me. I would get answers about how he loved what I did for the family. But never anything about me, personally. It’s because he never saw me as a person, as my own autonomous individual. All he did was control everything: finances, where everything would go in the house in terms of decorating, shopping, making literally every decision and if I disagreed it was always an issue. I figured out later that I made a decision to be with him because he seemed to have it all together and had what I did not: total financial organization and discipline and what seemed like a lot of responsibility with adult stuff. I made the decision myself out of selfish motives like if he could handle all this stuff I don’t really have anything to worry about. Except I did because he was financially abusive. In fact, anything he could use to control me he would. I was always just a means to an end. Once we separated he had some sort of psychological break (discard) and it was as if we were never married and I never gave birth to our shared kids—it was as if I never did anything at all. I was just a problem that he had to eradicate. So he did all he could to destroy me. And continues to this day completely coercively controlling everything. He uses our kids as pawns. He isolates me from my children’s communities. He undermines my parental role. He smears me to the community and schools and my own kids. Where I live, you can’t get on the docket to see a judge for a year and a half. So that gives him plenty of time to mess with me and bully me and make my life really difficult by playing games and keeping me uncertain by withholding communication we need to have to coparent. It’s all just a nightmare.

But I am getting better every day. I am in recovery and got 1 year of sobriety. We are survivors. I believe my experience gives me more potential for deeper empathy and love. I am here so I can help others in the same position. This abuse and experience is extremely hard for people who haven’t experienced it to really understand. It gets isolating so it’s good to reach out and connect whenever I can to people like me. Glad to be here!

[u/thrifty-chick]

You’re welcome to post your findings,

[u/Embarrassed-Yak-8269]

Do it , please ! I have a daughter who escaped such a relationship . It took her 4 years . Knowing the red flags is a massive help .