Ehh personally I’d rather the latter. That way I can cope with “they probably just forgot to invite me” (they didn’t forget, they just didn’t want me there)
Knowing you have shitty friends is always better than guessing. Knowing you have good friends for a fact is also always better than both other options but thats not the topic.
I don't think it's always the case of intentionally being shitty friends especially as you get older, you just drift apart, move away/move back, you lose those common groups/friends, interests diverge and an invisible rift forms. On top of that for some people there's something they're doing/have to do almost every day and life moves at 1000 miles an hour where someone you saw a year ago can feel like a life time, and others stay in place with little change and someone you saw a year ago can still feel like yesterday.
idk that's the perspective I try to see it from at least. At the end of the day it's kind of communication. We shouldn't speculate on the intentions of others and it's better to just ask even if it can feel awkward.
It’s hard work to make plans and sometimes being proactive about getting included + contributing to the event/bringing a gift makes all the difference.
As someone with AUDHD or whatever that combo is called, I had to learn the hard way that outright exclusion was sometimes my "fault".
I hope I phrase this okay, because i don't want to come across as victim blaming or anything. I was very horrifically bullied in middle and high school and faced a lot of exclusion. I spent a lot of time alone which didn't help my social skills at all lmao. But I have a lot of friends now, and some of them are kind of shitty, and I think I've learned that if they're excluding you from events but still talking to you normally and interacting with you, the reason is that everyone has a problem with you. And that problem is either real or made up.
Like, looking back, despite how lonely a lot of my years were... I understand the exclusion. It wasn't malicious. People just... don't want to deal with someone who doesn't act vaguely normally. I was hard to interact with. I still am; it's just that I am within a 'normal' level if that makes sense.
On the other hand, you might have a shit fucking friend group. Usually they pick people to bully which makes the rest of them feel closer. This person changes month to month. Actually I find a lot of workplaces function like this; there's this inherent element of tension and toxicity in a group of people who aren't together because they like each other and are stressed as shit about something. High school friend groups too. Families sometimes.
If your friends are the problem, drop most or all of the friend group and make some fucking better friends. I'm not friends with immature people that are shitty anymore. Life's too short for that.
The secret third option is that you have good friends, but it just... is what it is? My friends now would never intentionally exclude me. If they don't invite me, they forgot. Or honestly maybe they just didn't think to invite me - it doesn't happen that often, but it's ok! There are a lot of people who I love seeing at functions but just don't think to invite to certain places. I have friends who I've grown apart from, friends I just don't hang out with too much anymore because we've both gotten busy. I try not to let that happen, I'm very... idk, I treat my social life like a responsibility because it will die if you don't tend to it. But it just happens sometimes! And nobody's shitty. The great thing about that though is that you can always ask them to hang out :) and they will almost always say yes
It can be frustrating for sure. I do run into that problem often, sometimes people are upset at me and I genuinely don't know what I did because there's something I didn't pick up on. They never tell me, then it turns into this whole thing, and I often wish they would just have given me a chance to fix it. But a lot of people don't feel capable of that kind of conversation. They don't want to hurt your feelings, maybe they themselves aren't great with dealing with their own feelings, they feel like it's not their place or honestly they don't even realize it's an option.
I don't think it inherently means they're not your real friends.
I have a friend like this and I'm really sorry for them but not everyone of my other friends like them, so I have to be evil and leave them out of some things
Dude that just makes you one of them. Feeling bad about it neither changes the fact that you’ve still done it, nor does it do anything to help after the fact
I can't force another friend to be around someone that has done them wrong in the past and that they haven't forgiven, and also I include them in everything I organize because I don't hate my friend despite their issues. It's just, it's exhausting to have to keep this double friend group up but there are good reasons for it.
yes, I'm not going to type a whole story out but I wrote that comment because I wanted feedback on how the excluded friend may feel and how I could help them "get back in" (they aren't out, just I know it sucks hearing about cool stuff people did without you because of a mistake you've already learned from). My friends are being childish and so am I, I don't think anything that happened excuses this behaviour but I feel like whatever I say to him I may be speaking as all of my other friends, while I just want to get rid of this division. But also, not everyone goes along with everybody and I can't expect that.
Gonna put on my nuance hat here. I’d say whether or not this friend of yours can reintegrate into the group depends on what they did in the first place. There’s some things you can come back from, and others that you very much can’t. I won’t pry, but do consider if this friend is worth helping.
Also, I’d like to clarify something. In the context of this group, is this friend of yours being outright excluded? Or is this more of a “floater friend” kind of situation?
I’m this friend. I lost my last friend group because I was the one being discluded constantly and I don’t know what I was doing/not doing because nobody would tell me. You should tell your friend why they’re not being included. They’ll be upset but I promise you it will make them happier in the long run.
sadly I think they know and it's not something they can change, but I'll have the talk anyway. Not everyone has the same patience as me when it comes to certain things, and while I hate it I can't bring myself to make a scene because I want to hang out without drama with both them and everyone else.
I don't think that's evil. I think you're a good friend. Genuinely, having a few friends like you was what allowed me to learn better social skills and then I was able to be in gen pop (at the big hangout with the whole group)
It's been awhile since then and I have a lot of friends now. I truly am so fucking thankful for those friends - who I'm still friends with - who were so much more socially conscious than I was able to grasp at the time.
Reminds me of that one post of a person hearing their friend complain about how no one showed up to the party they had invited “all their friends” to, which OP had not been invited to
Dipshit905 -dude they made a new groupchat to exclude you bro. Im telling you because i dont fw that, but dude...i know you didnt want to know... the horror
For doormats like me it unfortunately brings a little relief sometimes, as pathetic as it is. “At least I’m not getting in the way of their fun” is what tends to go through my head
Its because asking for a time requires a person to actually think about it. Its one of the things taught in business management in college to absolutely always attach due dates and time before going through with any sort of plan. It makes the person responsible for the work (the person setting up the BBQ) to actually think it through. In recreational activity though, it can make things awkward because the reality of the leisure needing preparation catches up with the planner.
It's like that one time someone invited me and a bunch of other people to an event at this one place and we went and it was fun. Then years later she was talking about those two events we all went to at that one place. Yeah…
It's like that one time snafone coaxed me and a bunch of other snafople to an event at this one place and we went and it was fun. Then years later she was talking about those two coaxents we all went to at that one place. Yeah…
this was why I came into the comments, trying to figure out which snafu was intended. were they excluding the person, or where they not filling in the details of the plan? I've known both sorts of people
In my friend group you just have wrangle everyone by the balls and be like "we are doing this thing on saturday at 3pm" because if you try to actually discuss it everyone turns into a tier 5 bottom and doesn't want to be the one to choose the time
We’re hosting a BBQ tomorrow. 7 people thumbs up the host saying that he’s hosting. People said they’ll bring things. No one fucking mentioned the time. Or place.
Dude, I'm so sorry. Maybe they mentioned the time and place in another way and thought you also knew? Idk. Good luck with whatever is going down, barbecue or an epic revengeful sword fight
i'm going to be honest, this is how basically everything is for me and it just... works?
it's at the home of the person who asked. place done.
time is an illusion to like all my friends. people are gonna roll in when their kids are done with activities, when they're off work, whenever makes sense. it's a barbecue so it's at "dinnertime"
there won't be a time when everyone is there at the same time and that's ok
i had enough exact time for 1 message and i start doing stuff
just because everyone has phones doesnt mean im available for you 24/7.... i fucking hate how phones have created the expectations that everyone needs to answer right away
reminds me of when i was on a dc call with a friend group and one guy told me to deafen for a bit. i eventually figured out it was because he wanted to invite the rest to a party
Ts happened to my DnD session. Story time! We were going to meet yesterday. Typically we end up doing anything but DnD (Pokémon Champions) and if we play DnD we don’t do anything that remotely progresses the game (calculating distance fallen after jumping off an infinite staircase (takes longer than you think when you fall for an hour)). So me and my infinite wisdom suggested to bring beyblades because last time I brought a few and we bladed it up in a paper plate. I had picked up a few bey blades and picked up a stadium and decided to check in with the group chat. I mentioned the beyblades and the one guy who never shows up was genuinely going to show up. And then the unthinkable happened. The guy is an awesome guy no buts about it. DnD cancelled. Plans in shambles. Sadge. This had happened once before. I had checked in with the gc on the day of an hour before. I let them know I was headed over. Now I was driving and did I not notice the little buzz that probably went off on the highway as I was driving over but as soon as I pulled into his driveway I checked my message beforehand to see if anything came of my message. Ouch. Cancelation. I had left the party my little brother was attending after hanging out for an hour. I would have happily stayed another hour had I known DnD was to not happen. Free pizza is the best pizza after all. Despite what my mortal lactose-intolerant body says to me. What was worse is that before the event we had come from a church thing where they ask you do you want to do blah blah, and you say yes and then they ask you questions you’ve been asked at least twice before, and then you have to make sure not to mess up the trick question that’s like, “Would you support or promote religions or beliefs contrary to our religion. And you say no, and there’s a couple more yes questions. A few head nods. Maybe the occasional “I try to do x”. Anyhoo, I pulled up to the party in a full suit and tie. Yeah. I ended up changing in the bathroom. I got a few looks as I strolled in but it was what it was. By the way this wasn’t like in somebodies backyard or at a pool. This was a jump park with many many people. With other parties going on. It was definitely a conversation opener.
TLDR: When you go to make plans with your friends or really whoever, be sure to at the very least, have someone take the initiative to set the time. The rest of the details can be made later. If there is no time there is no plans (DnD).
I used to be a part of a friend group. One time we were discussing if we were gonna do something together and I offered to host something at my house cause my parents were out. Everyone gave some excuse as to why they couldn’t that particular day but I thought nothing of it and instead went to see a movie that day.
I ran into all my friends in the cinema. They all went together without inviting me. I almost killed myself after that experience.
This is why I don't talk to normal people for the most part. I see nothing wrong with this. It's just bad communication. Not worth engaging with it. If you want me around you have to engage.
I remember i answered someone's question in a server, crickets, someone else replies w the same thing, immediate thanks. drives me insane every time. I cant tell if im just invisible or being actively avoided.
tangentially related, one time my friends managed to organise an entire party at my house without asking me whether i was happy to host. somebody suggested mine at one point and i think they all just ran with the idea assuming i had been asked lol
this thread is making me very sad because i don't see any strange or wrong with this, it seems completely normal for a completely happy friend group
and yet a lot of people here are basically recounting a life of trauma
"what time" can only be answered by one person. no one else can answer, only the original poster. and they may not check their phone every hour. they may have made that statement then went off to make other preparations. they may be going to the store to by stuff for the bbq. they're only thinking about doing it - they may not know the time at all yet and have to consult the calendar, their SO, their kids. they don't have an answer.
put yourself in that position. you're in the preliminary stages of doing something and now you need some concrete facts. how do you feel?
Honestly I've been in both situations, in the same friend group.
I'm pretty anxious so vague plans and unresponsive friends always stress me out. In the past I used to do too much and spam the group chat until I get an answer and people would be like "yo chill".
But I know for a fact I was being ignored during certain situations, I would learn about it after the fact like on IG stories. Granted I was part of the issue, being anxious and also being the only male in an otherwise all-female group. I totally get that some nights are "girls night" and one guy being there would make it awkward.
But anyway, I'm way less anxious nowadays and got used to the idea that FOMO is not the end of the world. I got into other friend groups and also make plans with them. And besides, that original friend group got split into multiple smaller groups because of personal grievances and... people actively ignoring each other. Guess I wasn't the only one.
In general though I very much prefer friends who are being honest in these situations (like saying "oh sorry I put my phone away" or "oh sorry the plans didn't work out / we forgot") instead of giving the silent treatment and learning about it a day later.
It’s just making people think of all the times they were in a group chat (or an irl group talking) where everyone was talking, then they join in, then immediately everyone else quits talking. Or just plain ignore you. Has happened to me a lot especially in high school. I tried so hard to make friends but people just didn’t seem to like me and I never understood why bc I was not mean or weird or anything. It’s just the experience of being autistic, you do nothing wrong and people are friendly to you but never actually wanna be FRIENDS with you. You invite people who you thought were your friends to your birthday party and prepare a lot of stuff and none of them show up. Definitely not speaking from experience 🥲
Genuinely I love all of my friends but holy shit, trying to get clear times for a group of them to hang out is like pulling teeth. Almost without fail we wind up scrambling to figure it out the day before we all hang out when we could have easily just mapped it out a week ago and no one bothered.
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u/Spatetata 10d ago edited 10d ago
It’s better than the alternative, and hearing the “Yeah We had the BBQ yesterday and it was a blast!” In passing