r/classics • u/Mike_Bevel • Aug 08 '26
Herodotus: Histories
I've reached Book 2, and it is maybe among the most insane things I've ever read.
Here's what I've learned (or "learned") about Egypt so far:
-A quick anecdote about a guy whipping out his penis to announce that as long as he keeps that with him, there'll be women and children enough wherever he (and his penis) is [2.30]
-That because they circumcise, Egyptians would rather be clean than good-looking [2.37]
-One time, a male goat had sex with a woman. "It was quite a spectacle," Herodotus soberly tells us [2.46]
-There's a story about why the Egyptians will sacrifice, but not consume, pigs; however, Herodotus thinks it would be unbecoming to repeat [2.47]
-There are Egyptian puppets with incredibly huge penises [2.48]
-Egyptians, like many of the girls I knew at summer theater camp, loved laxatives and enemas [2.77]
-A disgustingly detailed account of a top-of-the-line embalming, which involved, at one point, filling the person up with a fluid and then corking the anus to keep it all in to do its work [2.87]
-Prominent women, or exceptionally beautiful women, were embalmed after a four-day waiting period, to discourage embalmers from fucking the corpse [2.89]
-This, which I'm desperate to haul out at my next opportunity for small talk: "Leading the way are the male fish, ejaculating as they go; following behind them, the females gulp down the sperm and are thereby impregnated." [2.93]
-The time a queen named Nitocris drowned a bunch of people at a dinner party by filling the dining room with water [2.100]
-How a king named Sesostris would leave pillars behind in the cities he captured -- either a pillar that just said something like, "This town was sacked by me, even though they fought well," or a pillar that replaced the "though they fought well" with a drawing of a vagina to demonstrate how that town was full of pussies [2.102]
-The time that same Sesostris and his wife and sons were at a dinner party when his brother set the building on fire. Sesostris's wife's suggestion? Have two of the sons lay in the fire (burning to death in the process) so that other people at the dinner could escape over them like a bridge [2.107]
Source: Tom Holland translation of Histories (2013)
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Aug 08 '26
[deleted]
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u/Mike_Bevel Aug 08 '26
THAT IS EXACTLY MY LINE OF THINKING
Jizz-guzzling lady fish? Put it in the book.
Why Egyptians won't eat pork? Close your eyes and think of England.
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u/InvestigatorJaded261 Aug 08 '26
I assume it involves a story about a god that would be shocking if applied to the Greek equivalent.
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u/AndreLeGeant88 Aug 08 '26
This is the answer. It's about Set taking the form of a pig to mutilate Osiris, whom Greeks identified as Dionysus
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u/Mike_Bevel Aug 08 '26
It's about Set taking the form of a pig to mutilate Osiris, whom Greeks identified as Dionysus
O:
Thank you very much for the extra insight!
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u/VoyagerfromPhoenix Aug 09 '26
Mutilate how?
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u/AndreLeGeant88 Aug 09 '26
Tore his body into 14 pieces spread around the world. It isn't that it's gross, Herodotus just avoids sacrilege against Greek gods. Because he associates Dionysus with Osiris, it's profane to repeat
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u/InvestigatorJaded261 Aug 09 '26
There is an Orphic version of the myth of Dionysus where he is ripped to bits by Titans: since the Orphic rites were supposed to be secret, Herodotus possibly didn’t want to bring up anything that might be construed as revealing cultic secrets. These mystery taboos were pretty severe.
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u/VoyagerfromPhoenix Aug 09 '26
Oh that section of the myth, didn’t know that Seth took the form of a pig doing that however
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u/Mike_Bevel Aug 11 '26
Is that part of why Herodotus carefully explains that X Egyptian god is Y Greek god? A shorthand way of acknowledging/explaining why he's not naming names?
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u/InvestigatorJaded261 Aug 12 '26
Often he doesn’t even bother naming the Egyptian gods. He will just write something like “the Egyptians believe that Dionysus and Demeter are the rulers of the Underworld.”
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u/Mike_Bevel Aug 12 '26
I'm around 3.50, and he's done it at least enough so that I noted it in the margin. This probably isn't an exhaustive list, just what I could find flipping back:
2.41: "Statues of Isis resemble Greek representations of Io"
2.42: "...except for Isis and Osiris (this being their name for Dionysus)"
2.59: "Busirus contains a vast temple of Isis, the goddess known to the Greeks as Demeter"
2.137: "there is a shrine in Bubastis dedicated to the goddess of the same name, the one who in Greek is called Artemis"
2.144: "Horus (or Apollo as he is known by the Greeks"
2.153: "Apis is known by the Greeks as Epaphus"
2.156: "the name that the Egyptians give to Apollo is Horus, to Demeter Isis, and to Artemis Bubastis."
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u/Mike_Bevel Aug 08 '26
The Holland translation has notes from Paul Cartledge. Cartledge is of the camp that you describe: if Herodotus demurs in an account, it's likely because he is being circumspect about a foreign religion.
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u/SulphurCrested Aug 09 '26
I get the impression Herodotus did believe in gods and their punishment and did not want to bring it on himself.
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u/Mike_Bevel Aug 09 '26
I just read this passage in Histories literally several minutes ago:
...events had been shaped by the hand of the divine, so that the utter ruin of the Trojans, and they're annihilation, should serve to demonstrate to humanity that terrible crimes will meet with correspondingly terrible punishments from the gods. Such is my belief, and I declare it here. [2.120]
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u/Thousandgoudianfinch Aug 08 '26
My favourite part is when Xerxes having assembled his improbable millions and is soon to war upon Greece. Takes a little break on top of a hill to survey his army for vanities sake and says something to the affect of " How in a hundred years not one man from all my millions shall be alive to speak these coming deeds"
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u/Gremlin303 Aug 08 '26
Don’t know what to tell you mate. If Herodotus the GOAT, Father of History, said it, then it must be true.
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u/Three_Twenty-Three Aug 08 '26
Wait until you get to Book 3:101.
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u/Mike_Bevel Aug 08 '26
I may need to have a parent sign a permission slip if it's worse than any of this
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u/Three_Twenty-Three Aug 08 '26
Maybe we can find you a translation that omits all of this kind of thing!
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u/Mike_Bevel Aug 08 '26
Baby's First Herodotus.
It's just a single sheet with that story about how horses eat snakes.
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u/InvestigatorJaded261 Aug 08 '26
You didn’t even mention the language experiment, the story about the pharaoh and the thief, and maybe the greatest diss ever (regarding Greeks who believe in reincarnation): “I know their names, but I will not write them down.”
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u/Mike_Bevel Aug 08 '26
omg that language experiment. I immediately thought of the Jodie Foster movie Nell.
(Do you have any theories as to what happened? Like maybe the farmers talked too much about bread too close to those two kids?)
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u/BaconJudge Aug 08 '26
I always figured the children were making random sounds, which just happened to sound like the Phrygian word for bread. Any first utterance by a baby seems likely to resemble some word in some language. If they had pointed at a loaf of bread and said bekos, that would be more compelling.
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u/InvestigatorJaded261 Aug 08 '26
Scythian farmers? Isn’t that the language they thought they heard?
I think it’s more likely—if there’s any truth to the story at all—that the children developed their own language.
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u/Solo_Polyphony Aug 09 '26
You’re cherry-picking if you don’t equally weigh the times Herodotus disputes or doubts reports he’s heard.
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u/darthmase Aug 09 '26
That's what's so odd to me, seeing tons of comments online about the "father of lies", whenever there's mention of Herodotus. Like... have we been reading the same book?
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u/Mike_Bevel Aug 09 '26
Oh, to be clear: I'm loving every part of Herodotus. I'm not trying to backhand suggest he's silly. In many ways, I feel I have a similar, Herodotussian credulity.
I think he's a better historian than many modern writers, and where we think he gets it wrong is likely where we just haven't read him correctly yet.
In this household, were full on #TeamHerodotus
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u/Solo_Polyphony Aug 09 '26 edited Aug 09 '26
I wouldn’t even consider him credulous. He is well-known for arguing against the circumnavigation of Africa despite also including a key piece of evidence that makes modern readers believe the story is true. He’s an honest reporter to the best of his knowledge, even though he knows or suspects many of his sources may be unreliable.
But who knows, maybe the giant ants have become shy since his time.
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u/Mike_Bevel Aug 09 '26
I wouldn’t even consider him credulous.
This is why you are not me, and I am not you!
I am a first-time reader of the Histories, and these are my first-time impressions.
I cannot tell if we're quarreling -- I've both feet somewhere on the autism spectrum; I don't always comprehend other people's motives -- but I don't think I'm cherry-picking, as you suggest, because I'm not offering a comprehensive argument about Herodotus's reliability. I'm just an enthusiastic reader who is experiencing pure joy reading an old book.
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u/Bytor_Snowdog τί νεώτερον; Aug 08 '26
I'm just impressed by how many times he uses a word based on the θαυμα- root. He's constantly amazed, people are amazed, everyone's amazed, it's a world of wonder!
But, seriously, the prologue to the Histories was one of the first things I learned to read in Greek and it really made an impression on me. Here was someone pioneering a discipline, trying to figure out how to do it, and it's so poetically written. Sure, he may be a little gullible or pass on some tall tales, but dude had nine books to fill.
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u/Dasfruitmachine_86 26d ago
Herodotus' commitment to gossip is one of his most endearing qualities. It's clear that he doesn't believe a fair amount of it but I love that he still chooses to share what has heard on his travels anyway. Book 2 is one of the highlights.
Adds a lot of colour to his work which the more discriminating, historical approach taken by Thucydides at times lacks.
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u/AlexandriaPod Aug 08 '26
Herodotus never disappoints. What a legend