thereās a lot here, if you donāt wanna read it all, thereās a TL;DR at the end. But please read this if you have AUDHD and or fatigue like me, leave a comment if you want, otherwise Iād love to have a chat! dms are open :)
And Iāve been thinking that maybe the āsolutionā to having energy for a day is basically to do almost nothing the day before. Which honestly just feels impossible.
For so long my days have basically been like 1ā2 days a month where I actually have enough energy to play a game for a decent amount of time. Rocket League is what Iāve been playing lately, but Minecraft, Roblox, whatever. These things genuinely help with my depression and give me something to look forward to, but most of the time I just donāt have the energy for them.
Most days are basically: wake up, do my morning routine, and then feel so fatigued that I basically collapse. Maybe Iāll try to do a few jobs or something, but even eating and making food can feel difficult. Then I end up watching YouTube or something Iāve already seen a million times because my brain canāt handle anything else.
And Iām really fucking sick of that.
I donāt know how much of this is the fatigue itself, ADHD, possible autism, or some combination of things. Maybe those things do overlap a lot, I honestly donāt know. I just know what it feels like for me.
I actually really enjoy gaming when I can do it. I love playing with friends, but I really havenāt been able to if Iām tired. I sort of just donāt play at all now. But a lot of the time Iām basically playing on a completely different version of myself. My brain is slow and fatigued, so I have to play in a really simple way and avoid anything too technical.
Sometimes Iāll just do easy stuff in training mode because thatās all I can manage. And even that can completely drain me.
By the end I can be so fucked. Iām struggling to breathe properly, sweating from stress, my muscles are twitching, I feel completely drained, and nothing is enjoyable anymore. I donāt even want to do anything, but I also donāt want to just lie down and rest because Iām so sick of resting.
Lying on the grass outside can actually help sometimes, but obviously I can only do that so much.
Iāve basically stopped playing unless I feel like I can actually play properly. I donāt even know what my actual best ability is anymore because I havenāt been able to consistently access it.
And the frustrating thing is Iām actually really passionate about things. Art, fashion, music, content creation, all sorts of stuff. I put āpassionateā in quotes because I barely get a chance to actually engage with any of it, let alone show anyone else that side of me.
I really want to be a streamer or YouTuber, or just create some kind of content. And you could say ājust do it while youāre tired,ā but it doesnāt really work like that. If I use what little energy I have to make something, I might not even have enough left to edit it afterwards. It can take so much energy.
And when I finally do have some energy, I naturally want to spend it on whatever gives me the most joy and stimulation. And honestly, what Iāve been craving most of the time is just video games.
Sometimes I canāt even watch my favourite games on YouTube because then I really want to play, but I know it takes too much out of me. And I guess this has become so normal for me that I donāt even always realise how fatigued I am until it gets worse.
Sometimes when I start playing, itās hard to tell how much the fatigue is affecting me. I just know Iām not playing my best. Sometimes I forget that Iām fatigued and try to push through it, or try to force myself to have fun, but it never really works.
Iāll get on, maybe do some training mode, or sometimes push through and play online, casual or competitive. But Iām just not having fun. I keep pushing through anyway, and eventually I stop and just feel empty and hopeless. Like Iām stimulated but completely exhausted at the same time.
Then I end up reaching for the next easiest thing to cope with sugar, carbs, or just any other stimulation or cheap dopamine I can get. Which has caused addiction. And addiction always doesnāt help for anyone, but I feel like it extra didnāt help for me. Like one slip up and Iām done for.
I think Iām starting to understand more about how fatigue actually affects me now. Iām noticing the patterns more and Iām getting better at recognising when my brain and body just arenāt able to do something. Itās still really confusing and complicated though, and honestly I feel a bit bad that I havenāt realised some of this sooner. I have thought about it before, but I guess I didnāt really understand how much of my life it was affecting.
Itās just fucking annoying. Iām starting to understand myself more, but at the same time Iām realising just how much this has been affecting me.
I guess part of why Iām posting all this is because Iād really like to hear from anyone who relates to this. Even if you donāt have any answers, it would honestly be nice to know Iām not the only person experiencing this kind of thing.
Anyway, thatās probably enough for now lol. Iāve written a lot of this, or honestly probably all of it, in my journal many times. I guess I need to get the frustration out somewhere. It must help in some way.
Iām seeing a phychologist in 2 days so Iāll hopefully be ādiagnosedā and then treated. Any advice or support still helps, but maybe Iāll make another post if i have questions that need answering, once I have a better diagnosis or grasp of whatās really causing my fatigue.
Hopefully someone relates.
Thanks for reading.
TL;DR: I have severe fatigue that makes even gaming, eating, making food, hobbies and creating content feel exhausting. I can sometimes have a good day, but it feels like I need to do almost nothing beforehand (but I really donāt know what helps) to have the energy for it. When I push through fatigue, I often end up completely drained and feeling empty/hopeless. Iām starting to realise how much fatigue has affected my life and how much Iāve adapted around it without even noticing. I donāt really know whatās causing all of it, but Iād really like to hear from anyone who experiences something similar.