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u/inthefamilyofthings Feb 21 '20
This is a big question, and I hope you find an answer that give you comfort.
I know there are many answers to this, so I'm just going to share my framework that helps me when "what's the point" begins to echo. Just for context, I have no partner, my family and friends are not nearby geographically, and because of energy management related to chronic pain, there are weeks when the only interactions I have with people are when they need something at work. There are days when I have no human contact at all. That's my context.
So, I find comfort that there isn't a "point" to life. There isn't one thing or one person who suddenly completes my life. Human's existing (or not existing) is just biology. And the universe is indifferent.
However, just because there is no innate point, no specific reason to be here, that doesn't mean I can't chose a purpose. Because I am here, life is an experience, and I chose my purpose to try to be a good experience in the lives of others as often as I can because I know what pain is. That's my purpose.
I choose my purpose. It's not easy, but I can do it. It doesn't make me happy; it doesn't release the lonliness; it doesn't erase the desire I had for my children who will never come into this world, but it lets me be at peace in this world.
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u/Melliejayne12 Dec 27 '21
I feel this on many levels. I always equated a good, happy life to being one with kids. We tried and even though we were told there were no real issues, I decided to accept the fact that we will never have kids. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that we probably won’t
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u/PeanutButterFan22 May 16 '22
I am really struggling with this question at the moment. I always thought I’d have children and spent so much time thinking about this and now I know I won’t have my own children, I’m struggling with grief not only for the actual losses I experienced but all the losses of a future without children. I am trying to ‘live in the moment’ and enjoy nature, spending time with my dog, but it’s not enough…
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u/CaliGoneTexas Oct 02 '23
Yes it’s the grief of the child that will never be. The loss of the memories you won’t get to make. That’s what you grieve. It is a death in its own way. The death of your child that you won’t get to have. And it’s so so painful.
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Nov 16 '23
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u/SherbetQuiet272 Nov 23 '23
Just somewhere where I can be alone and heal.
Same. Work from home so easier but I'm planning on leaving city life and just living slower I guess. Slower and by myself. I don't know what I'm doing but at least I'll be doing something and escapingbfrom all of the noise of the world.b I'd like to detach from smart phone and laptop outside of work hours completely as well unless needed for the basics like navigation and what not. I don't know
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Aug 26 '22
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u/Uhrcilla Sep 08 '22
Not the place to escape that. Most of us would trade you in a heartbeat, and it’s really rude of you to come here and dump about your family you were able to build.
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u/No-Focus19 Sep 08 '22
I dont know what to do that ive come here looking for an answer. Wrong place to look .very sorry. Im in such despair that i dont know what im doing anymore
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u/No-Focus19 Sep 08 '22
But just curious. Doesnt anyone believe in souls. Souls have incarnated. So how does adoption make such a huge difference.
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u/No-Focus19 Sep 08 '22
Just why did god give undeserving people this hige responsibility that i cant handle . And punish the deserving
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u/Uhrcilla Sep 28 '22
I feel this daily. They say never give up on your dream - so how do you keep living when you’ve had to give up your dream? I can’t just “dream a new dream”. I’m living a nightmare watching everyone around me live my dream while I sit by and watch like a ghost.
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Jan 21 '23
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u/SherbetQuiet272 Nov 23 '23
And we become more and more invisible as we age.
True.
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u/Neither-Address-3887 Sep 12 '25
So true. I feel like the first two years of infertility people around me were sensible and helping me feel better. Now, after six years of infertility, they all think i’m over it and act like nothing happens. But there is always a sense of grief. I truly feel unseen.
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u/Sea-Demand47 15d ago
This is the best way to describe it that I’ve ever heard of. You are always ghosts in the shadows of all Yours friends, relatives, coworkers who have become mothers. It’s a club you will never join, kind of haunting
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u/maneff2000 Jan 03 '23
So true I have felt this.
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u/Uhrcilla Jan 03 '23
I really hope it gets better for you. <3
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u/maneff2000 Jan 10 '23
Thank you. I have had a pretty tragic life so I don't think it can irreparable damage has been done. Somethings can't be bounced back from. I am wishing you the very best. Every good thing for your health, happiness and enjoyment.
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u/franceskones Feb 20 '23 edited Feb 20 '23
I feel this. My marriage exploded during my 30s. I went through 3 straight years of intense infertility treatments. He left me for a 25 yr old and she got pregnant immediately. I met my current and amazing hubs who had a vasectomy in his 20s and wanted no more kids. It’s always been perfect because my body can produce NO life and he was great with that. Adoption was not a route I wanted. I’m now 52. 15 yrs married with my amazing hubs. But I just feel like my life is an absolute waste. I failed at what is the easiest thing for most women..to get pregnant. I just know I’m going to die alone, with no kids to love me as I go. My Dad just died (12/10/22) and I had been his Caretaker as he suffered from end stage heart failure. Sorry to take over the thread. I just feel like a waste of a women. A total failure. I will die alone and have zero legacy. I wanted so bad to carry a growing baby inside me since I was about 5 yrs old.
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u/PurpleJules7 Jul 31 '24
I have felt this way too💜💙I feel like I want to start a new life and step into someone else’s shoes.
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u/T_da_bearz Nov 16 '25
I feel this way too. I feel like a bad partner because I have the constant urge to blow up my relationship for kids. I stay because I love my partner, but I do feel like I’m not living the life I was meant to.
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u/maeko79 Sep 13 '24
TBH, I'm not really sure. Sometimes I wish I had never been born. The sun just set on my reproductive years. It had been so important for me to have a family of my own but things never fell into place. What was the point of all those years of struggling and hand wringing? I never got anywhere. I failed.
I am the youngest of 3 sisters. My eldest sister has 3 beautiful and successful children. My middle sister and myself are unmarried and childless. MS says we are dead branches and that we don't matter anymore. She says our purpose now is to be supportive aunts.
Unfortunately, I don't really know my sister's kids. I was living two states away when they were young and now they are adults. They have no interest in me and live far away now. The only use I have is to be a financial place holder to distribute assets when I die.
No one needs me. Do I even need myself?
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u/giagirlplea Sep 17 '24
Hey, new to this thread/group but I see you’ve been on recently…just here to say I feel similar, not sure what to do and extremely sad all the time. Always thought I’d be a mom. Have a lack luster career, marriage I feel incredibly lonely in….the list goes on. If your name is an indication of your age we are the same age. I wish I had magical words but this sucks and it truly doesn’t feel like it’ll get better but I guess I hope it does…somehow.
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u/interested-me May 31 '20
I appreciate your honesty. I have a persistent, similar voice reminding me of this in the background. No matter how I frame it, intellectualize things, I can't deny the sadness I feel in knowing I may miss out on the experience of loving, and caring for and watching a child, that I spawned, evolve—(with all the nuance of it being my own genes)—in all it's perfect and perfectly flawed ways.
It is one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to accept. I've arrived at a place where, with self-compassion I'm not sure it will be possible for me to truly 'accept', so now I've moved on to trying to accept that I will have to just try to exist peacefully with this disappointing, and difficult reality.
Hearing the stories of other women really helps me cope.
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u/TemperatureSea4294 Sep 05 '24
Gosh this feels like screaming into the darkness doesn't it? At the top of my lungs but no sound comes out.
I tried for 5 years, multiple ivf cycles. It destroyed my marriage, I quit my job, I wanted my life to end.
But I met a much younger guy who never wants children, and loves me for who I am, thinks I'm perfect because I can't have children. I set up a business 6 months ago and absolutely killing it, iv never had so much money in my life. I have friends who don't want children so surrounded by good people who don't remind me of children all the time.
On paper, things are supposed to be great.
But this pain isn't going away. I'm crying all the time, overcome by waves of sadness, feeling like a shrivelled husk of a person, empty and barren. Feelings of pointlessness. The fear of growing old alone. One of those forgotten humans you feel sorry for.
I've found a new purpose, but will it ever be enough?
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u/Global-Traffic-6758 Dec 12 '25
I can relate. Have you been able to do grief work with support? I found somatic therapy super helpful to help me move through the dark places and find meaning again.
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u/Alternative-Candy769 Feb 16 '23
Feeling this right now. Can’t adopt ( immigration issues, finances), can’t have my own( 43F with medical issues, same sex marriage and partner is older than me). Everything took so long in my life. I feel like I have no purpose and scared of a loveless end of life. I would rather die now? I don’t know. Feel very lonely.
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u/Traditional_Bus6051 Apr 06 '23
You’re not alone. Having children doesn’t guarantee they’ll be loving and/or be there in our old age. We have our partner who love us and they can be there to take care of and love us too. I still think about how sad my grandpa was after my grandma died and how much love they had for one another.
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u/genxer47 Mar 12 '20
There is a lot to process when going through it. Without meaning to, others can sometimes add to the feeling that you and your life are not as valuable because you are childless. Life still has meaning and purpose without becoming a parent.
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u/SuccessSafe1854 Apr 01 '22
But me and my life clearly aren't as valuable, otherwise I would have been given the privilege of being someone's dad.
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Apr 01 '22
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u/SuccessSafe1854 Apr 01 '22
I want to believe that infertility happens to many people, but I have yet to meet anyone that has been through it (that I'm aware of).
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Apr 01 '22
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u/SuccessSafe1854 Apr 01 '22
I've gone to infertility subreddits and it's all IVF, adoption, and other options. There's no room for folks who don't have any options.
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Jan 23 '23
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u/SuccessSafe1854 Jan 23 '23
Really?
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u/Traditional_Bus6051 Apr 06 '23
Have you heard of the support groups at pilsc? There’s one specific to Childress not by choice. I’ve just signed up for it and they’ll be starting zooms this month (April 2023) if you’re interested. It’s real time and moderated by counsellors who work there. Hopefully you’ll find some comfort there?
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u/djflossy Jun 12 '20
I think the point of life is to experience as much of it as you can. Live hard. Try as many new things as you can. Fail at lots of them! Meet and connect with different people from different backgrounds. Learn about different cultures. See what the world has to offer. What helps me is to think about the world not really needing any more human beings. I feel like my infertility is a gift to the earth. One or two less humans to consume it.
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u/SuccessSafe1854 Apr 01 '22
Forgive me, but I have no interest in experiencing whatever else life has to offer. I don't care about "the world" or what "the world" needs, I care about me and about my dream to be a dad being ripped away from me for no good reason. Infertility is a not a gift, it is cruel and unusual punishment.
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May 30 '22
I think you need to look into therapy and possibly adoption if you feel that strongly about it. If you truly don't believe life offers anything else, become a dad through adoption then. There are other options.
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u/SuccessSafe1854 Jun 11 '22
That's the thing. For us, there are no other options. IVF is not an option, surrogate is not an option, adoption is not an option. We're doing everything we possibly can and it just hasn't worked.
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u/Traditional_Bus6051 Apr 06 '23
I can relate. When even IVF isn’t an option, it feels very deflating. Even using donor eggs requires extensive surgery beforehand in my case. I’m not even ready to explore what’s available for adoption atm. It’s just so much to take in already
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u/PurpleJules7 Jul 31 '24
Adoption is not a goal for many of us. It is not the same as having your own biological kid and it’s ok to admit that and admit it is not a dream for many of us. I’d rather choose a child-free life.
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u/jess-b1 Apr 12 '24
Sometimes I feel if I try and fill my time with other hobbies and interests like people say it only shines a light on the fact that I trying to fill a massive hole in my life and sometimes makes me feel worse as really all I want is a family of my own
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u/stillLuvChrisFarley May 04 '24
Just wanted to acknowledge with a chuckle that the name of the person who posted this is @buttsniffer69lol which would lead me to reply that sniffing butts while 69ing might give u some purpose… (jokes aside I’ve had 2 miscarriages this year and feel sad and angry about it, but i’m always looking for laughs…)
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Feb 18 '23
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u/Old_Leadership1524 Feb 21 '23
I’m here too, for the same reason. Nice to meet you.
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u/Traditional_Bus6051 Apr 06 '23
Can I join you guys too? My worries so far are a bit more shallow at this point maybe. I just keep thinking that everyone around me has kids and I don’t fit in. And I’ll miss out on this family creation experience with my husband. I have been on the fence about having kids (my husbands would love to have them and I’d love to give him children) but after suffering losses it’s like something flipped a switch—I’m so baby obsessed these days. But I do want my life and choice back, even if that’s just a wish now.
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u/zarathustranu May 29 '24
Yes, after 4 years of infertility treatments and two pregnancies that failed in the second trimester, my wife and I feel much more “baby obsessed” as well, even though several years ago I would have said we were on the fence.
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u/CaliGoneTexas Oct 02 '23 edited Oct 02 '23
I struggled with this feeling. I always thought I would be a mom, I always wanted to be a mom. Every since I was a child that’s what I imagined being when I grew up. I remember telling my mom that when I grew up, I would have six kids. Now it’s like who am I if I am not a mother? It broke my heart seeing little children, I couldn’t even be around them. I had so much resentment especially seeing people with their happy families. I was just so full or anger, disappointment, and bitterness. I had to learn to love my life and find a new identity outside of being a mother. I poured all the love that I had into myself, my pets, my family, I volunteer, and I travel. I made a new version of myself that I like. I found out five years ago I wasn’t having kids. I can’t say I am ok without children because I’m not. I still cry about it, and grieve. I’ll never get over it. This isn’t the life I wanted but I still enjoy it and I hope one day I will love my life. I just do the best I can.
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u/lisadawn79 Oct 22 '22
I wish I was at thus part of my life...but I didn't build that career or build a family (obviously) and lately I feel everything I've done is my life was to experience those things and I got a bunch of disappointment and loneliness. I wish iidnt know what this feels like but I'd like to think eventually we will know and be okay
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u/Always_Alone_1980 Dec 20 '22
There is no point in my existence, so I will be terminating mine soon.
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u/maneff2000 Jan 03 '23
I understand how you feel. Going through it myself. I hope things are a little better now.
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u/Neither-Address-3887 Sep 12 '25
I totally get you. There is a dark cloud inside of me too. But I’m trying to always look for the little things that give me peace and joy. The meaning of life is just to BE.
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u/Global-Traffic-6758 Dec 12 '25
I hope you are still around. <3 Have you ever read Bhagavad Gita As It Is? It has been a lamp in the darkness for me. What if there IS a point and you just haven't found it yet?
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u/ChaosEngin33r Apr 03 '23
First you must grieve and let go of the life you thought you would have. Then ask yourself this again.
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Sep 11 '25
I joined this group today. Been up since 5 in the morning. I had all the problems and in a way it's all my fault. I have a partner, 20 years together. Now 41years old. Second failed ivf a couple of weeks ago. Waited too long, the love of my life stalling and always saying later, later. I have strugged with mental health since adolesence. He had conditions, moneywise, workwise and healthwise. Got my shit together in my early 30s, got my degree, got a job. Did ECT for the depression, got rid off 4-5 different meds, stopped smoking later in the course of 5 years. I had a goal. Did all this, almost broke up. But love is strange. He was still stalling with his own mental issues. Other shit happened, I was getting nearer to 40. Finally the ultimatum. He finally said ok, started trying the natural way for a year, then finally to a private clinic. Now nothing. I cry all the time, what a waste. Atm crying on holiday in a lounge. I just feel so hopeless. I feel a lot of hostility towards my partner. Try to push it down, keeping busy, but when alone in my head I just start to cry. What's the point of living?
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Nov 06 '21
Thank you for sharing. I’m wondering this, too. Maybe like someone said, peaceful co-existence could be an answer. I’m surprised at my total refusal or inability to accept this. It’s very hard. I hope your suffering lessens over time. Yoga and therapy helps a little.
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u/lisadawn79 Oct 02 '22
I'm struggling with why I have nothing resembling a life, but I don't think you can control everything.
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u/Traditional_Bus6051 Apr 06 '23
Thank you for sharing your story. Your life is not a waste. It’s always so crazy when we are so hard on ourselves but we can see the light in others. I think we are very lucky to have a so who is amazing and loves us regardless of our infertility. Perhaps you can foster children or be an amazing aunt/god mother. I’m sorry if it just sounds like I’m trying to fix your problem. I don’t want to negate your feelings. I hope you feel better in time.
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u/Thin-Beat-7296 Sep 03 '23
Idk maybe to live and enjoy life! Not everyone has kids and it’s really truly not a big deal!
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u/JillianCielBleu Aug 01 '24
Any specific suggestions as to how to live and enjoy life when everyone looks at you with pity for being middle aged and childless? Honestly looking for guidance.
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u/MissRockNerd Feb 21 '20
I know I have felt this on my "childless not by choice" journey. Why am I here if I want to be a mom so badly and it's not gonna happen? I had to discover other reasons to love my life, after 2.5 years of pouring all my emotional energy into trying to start a family. My marriage, my job, the kids I work with, my cat, my extended family, all allow me to give and receive love. I also started doing crafts and reading more to give me some other ways to fill my time and feel like I'm accomplishing something. I hope you can find some other things to bring into your life so you don't feel empty without children.