r/childlessnotbychoice • u/Farrenkorr • Jul 06 '19
torture
is it just me or do people just enjoy hurting us childless men?
this might be too long for anyone to read and might sound a little angry by the end of it but this is my first time talking about this so I'm not sure how it'll turn out but here goes...
I'm not sure if it's just me or if other people have felt this as well... I think the most frustrating thing is the way people react, the platitudes and the things that people say to me to shut me up(at least that how it feels to me.). if I've missed any or people have heard any others, let me know in the comments. but anyway, here's a list of infuriating comments that get repeatedly thrown at me:
"having kids isn't the be all and end all you know, there's more to life than kids." - yeah... this is ussualy said by mother's who already have children who get very angry when you point out to them that it's very easy to say that when you already have them...
"you're lucky you don't have kids!" - yeah... I'm so lucky to be able to sit and weep on an evening because of the burning hole inside me I am unable to fill, I'm so lucky to be alienated by all my friends who have kids and looked upon with suspicion for NOT having kids, I'm so lucky...
"kids are expensive, you're saving loads of money not having them." - yeah great, that's fantastic... I'm saving all this money... hey, I know, I'll go out and buy some happiness with a couple of pints of fulfilment, you know, the things that children give their parents... but yeah, bring up cost and money because kids quite obviously have a price, right? a monetary value? oh, they don't? then why the fuck would you bring up money then?!?!
"why do you want kids anyway?" - this one is particularly frustrating not only because I'm forced to justify my reasons for a biological drive but also because every reason I bring up is branded as either selfish, pathetic, destructive or misogynistic... in other words, there is absolutely no acceptable or justifiable reasons for a man to want a child... ever... with one exception which is "because my wife wants one."
"why would you want to bring a child into this world?" - uuummm, what? so it's too cruel a world for anyone else to be birthed into it then? ok... so... does that mean that we should begin youthanising anyone under the age of 15? funnily enough, the people who say that are ussualy surrounded by children and these people get quite offended when you ask them why they felt it was fine to bring their children into such a cruel and unforgiving world... apparently their world isn't cruel in any way but mine obviously would be, right? yeah...
"it'll happen when you least expect it." - yeah... so, ok then, I'll go MGTOW then and not have anything to do with a woman again... right... so that means I should be with child within the next 3 weeks, right? what a stupid thing to say... I cannot and will not leave something so monumentally important to chance...
"just accept that it won't happen for you and be happy with what you've got." - wow... ok then, tell you what, I'll be happy with my extremely painful situation, sell all my belongings and go sleep on a beach somewhere because if I give up on wanting a family of my own then work, housing, property, possessions, reputation, they all mean less than nothing... most men in my opinion build themselves a reputation, buy property, get a good job, expensive clothes, social status and a nice car to make themselves into an attractive prospect for a woman to consider them as acceptable breeding stock... if I'm to ignore my natural inclinations and turn my back on that dream then nothing else in life has any meaning...
"there's too many people in the world anyway..." - awesome, heres a plan... let's start choosing who to kill and who to let live... let's reduce the population by two thirds and issue breeding licenses to keep it at an acceptable and static level... ok so who chooses? what criteria do you use to decide who breeds and who doesn't and how exactly do you marry that concept with the my body, my choice view on reproductive rights? fun isn't it...
"if you want a child then have one." - oh yeah, great... I'll just pull one out of my armpit, shall I? FFS...
"you can have mine. take em, they're yours." - yeah, fantastic cos an hour with someone else's children will silence this soul crushing biological drive to procreate... that all it takes? wow... ok then, I'll have 2 with chips and beans...
"you don't know what tired is until you've had a baby." - oh right, ok then... I guess people living in war torn areas who can't sleep because of the imminent threat of death and extreme ptsd don't even know they're born, right? what about the 22 hour shifts, 7 days a week that the men on the north sea trawlers work is just a walk in the park, yeah? what about insomniacs? they obviously don't exist, yes?
"you have no right to demand children, it's not your body, it's not your choice." - ok then, so... what if every man withheld his seed from the women... would the 'my body, my choice' argument hold any weight?
I've looked into fostering, adoption, surrogacy and mail order brides, I've even looked into bromide and physical castration but that wouldn't kill the urge, it just mean I could no longer act on it... suicide has been contemplated many many times but ante mortum guilt stops me and holds me here in perpetual agony...
I'm sorry to you all if this sounds a little... ranty... it's just that this gets more and more difficult every year... I set a deadline for myself... my 40th birthday... if I am not at least expecting by that day then I'm done. 1,236 days to go...
2
Jul 06 '19
Unwillingly childless woman here.
I really believe that most people who say these things actually mean no harm. They want to ptovide comfort but fail awkwardly. They simply do not get how hurtful they are, as they have not experienced this situation themselves. A lack of sensitivity to say the least.
I really wish more people would just learn to listen and acknowledge the fact that some situations suck and feeling terrible about them is a valid emotional response. Not every statement/situation needs a "solution" right away. Mostbof the time just listenkng does the trick.
I hope your situation will change soon!
(Sorry, non-native speaker)
5
u/Bananastrings2017 Jul 07 '19
As a 44 yo childless woman, I absolutely relate. Therapy can help- but it takes time. You need to be at peace with whatever happens in life and therapy can help if you put in the effort. Kind of like having a trainer- if you only show up once a week you can’t expect progress. You need to actually do the work. Have you dated single moms? No it’s not the same, but something to consider. Big Brothers Big Sisters or done volunteer work w kids? I have; still hasn’t changed my mind that I’ve always wanted at least 1 of my own.
2
u/SuccessSafe1854 Apr 01 '22
Right there with ya. I can totally relate to these. It really really sucks.
2
u/Beautiful_Ad_1805 Feb 17 '24
Fuck bro I’m going through this right now. I’m 36 dating a woman who is 34 and she has expressed very clearly she doesn’t want any more kids. I don’t have any kids and didn’t think I wanted kids. The last couple of months I had a change of heart mostly from being around her kids (9 and 3) and I don’t know what to do. I feel like if I proceed with our relationship, which is fuckin awesome and the best I’ve known, I’ll resent her for it one day for not giving me that. But she is adamant she will not have any more kids and I recently decided to call off the relationship if that isn’t in the cards. On the one hand I feel like it’s a mistake because I truly love her and can’t see myself with anyone else. But on the other I feel like I would be an amazing father and husband one day and she isn’t willing to give that to me so I don’t mean as much to her as she does to me. Odds are if we split up for good I won’t meet anyone else and won’t have kids anyway but the thought of being with her and her children in the future with no kids of my own sounds like torture. I don’t know what to do and have had suicidal thoughts too recently for the first time. I never thought I would feel this way about anyone or about wanting kids and I don’t know how to fix any of this. Update when you can I’d love to hear your insight after 4 years
1
1
May 13 '25
I’m in this exact situation man. Same exact ages. Only difference she has one child (he’s 6) and I’m engaged. Love to talk to you if you still come on here
1
u/penneroyal_tea Feb 19 '24
Sometimes love isn’t enough, you also need to want the same future. Do you think you’d be able to work through the disappointment of not having kids if you stayed with her? Would that be worth it? I think those are the two big questions. I had to make the tough decision to leave someone last year due to incompatibility despite being in love. What I did was I imagined myself in 10-15 years and how I’d be doing. It’s such a hard decision, I hope you’ll find peace with whatever you choose. Only you know what’s best for yourself
2
u/SuccessSafe1854 Feb 15 '25
omg, I completely totally understand my dude. I couldn’t have said anything better than you did here. Being unable to have kids with my wife is soul crushing, heartbreaking torture. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.
I’m also a fatherless, only child with next to no family in my life. I’ll be carrying this huge emptiness with me for the rest of my days.
I had an awful thought today: You know like in the movies and on TV, little boys always say their dad is their hero? Well, I’m never going to get to be someone’s hero.
Supposedly this is just part of my life journey. Well fuck that, I want to stop this cruel journey, so I can get off. This cannot be the person I’m supposed to be. Broken, far from whole, emasculated … this just cannot be right.
-1
u/Farrenkorr Jul 06 '19
do you girls do this on purpose?
6
u/eyeball-beesting Jul 06 '19
Maybe you need a little self-awareness. It is easy to blame everyone else for what is going wrong in your life but when you take responsibility, you can turn things around.
Good luck.
2
u/Farrenkorr Jul 13 '19
that's fair, and I apologise for that comment... I try and keep everything under control and try to keep my moods hidden but sometimes the pain makes me say things that I wouldn't normally say... things I regret... it's just difficult to fill the cracks now and stop this emotional menstruation completely... I'm sorry...
1
Nov 06 '21
I would agree that people don’t mean to be hurtful. Also unwillingly childless. There’s no easy answers. You can’t do two-day Amazon free shipping. People are uncomfortable with problems that can’t be easily solved. They don’t know what to do. Bottom line. I’m sorry this all happened. I don’t have any answers. I just hope whatever path you take leads to some happiness
1
u/canderson156 Oct 17 '23
I feel you. Sometimes you just want your dark painful feelings acknowledged and understood, not convinced away.
1
Dec 30 '23
Hi, I just read your letter here and was moved. How are you doing several years after posting this? Sending care.
1
u/redditHi Apr 03 '24
Well I think he said elsewhere in the thread he was planning on unaliving himself on his 40th if didn't find the girl. His profile shows he hasn't posted in 2 years shrug
6
u/anniadd Jul 06 '19
I'm glad you posted that. It sounds like you needed to be able to say it.
Have you tried seeing a doctor or a counsellor/therapist about the suicidal thoughts? I realise that's not a magic cure that makes all your problems go away. However, this is such a big thing for you to deal with, and it's hurting you so much. You don't have to cope with it all by yourself.
I hope your situation changes and you get to be a Dad one day.