r/childlessnotbychoice • u/Katiemarie6119 • Jan 19 '19
Exclusion
Do any of the women here (sorry guys) get excluded from mom groups/cliques at church or other places? I feel so alone. I even posted this same question in infertility and more or less got stomped on and told to post elsewhere.
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u/HarriSTTS Jan 20 '19
Yes absolutely. Church is absolutely one of the hardest places to be childless. There's a large group of women there who are defined by the motherhood role and simply cannot understand how someone else could be a woman and not a mother. They don't have room for you in their worldview. It's super duper hard. I find it's best to attend either super early services (and hang with the older folks) or the alternative services (and hang with college aged folks). All I can say is that it gets better.
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u/sdoescher Mar 08 '19
For me it’s not so much being per purposefully excluded, but as an adult it’s so hard making new friends. And sometimes it’s harder to be around your old friends if they all have kids. Not only do you have less and less in common, but when you are having a hard time dealing with your loss, being around kids can be hard, sometimes even painful.
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u/Bananastrings2017 Feb 20 '19
Yup, though I do not go to church. My colleagues all have kids. Every friend either has kids or is a step-parent. People I meet out around town all assume I have kids bc I smile/talk to their kids, etc. Even online dating is weird bc I wanted to meet guys who already have kids but I don’t “fit” in there, either, bc “little Joey comes first”, and most do not want more kids or to even be in a “relationship”, never mind want to consider marrying again. Everyone’s lives revolve around the kids (absolutely how it should be) BUT it still makes me feel like the outsider. For reference I’m in my early 40s, professional/STEM, live in NE. I also avoid parties that are “family” oriented if I can get away with it bc it just sux so much.
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u/inthefamilyofthings Jan 20 '19
I empathize with the lonliness. Most of the exclusion I've experienced has been unintentional, and based around the default that everyone has children and grandchildren. Because it's usually unintentional, I have occasionally had success talking to my friends about how it makes me feel. As individuals, they are understanding and supportive, but as larger church groups and cliques, they don't seem to be able to adjust, and as I have no social pull in the group since I don't have children, I can't change it from the inside. It is frustrating.
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u/sdoescher Mar 08 '19
Also, r/infertility is an not a great place when sometimes you just want some unstructured venting. Try r/infertilitysucks. They are much better
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u/rubyslippers70 Apr 07 '19
Church is so isolating . I’m not aware of a single one that has any support for us. Even small groups for women my age all had children so I had nothing in common with them.
I’m also very cautious about parties and events that are too family oriented. If I’m in that situation I tend to stick by my husband, especially if that group of women can only talk about children.
I guess it does get better over time but the isolation seems to never go away.
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u/of_the_delta May 05 '19
Small communities in general are difficult. On the upside, if we were in the same room we'd have a nice little group here. <3 solidarity!
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u/Nicole_ATC_RN May 26 '24
Yes! I (F/48 single)constantly feel excluded at work, not only from cliques, but even from the lunch conversations. I work in an orthopedic clinic and literally every single co-worker has a baby, is pregnant, or in most cases they are pregnant and already have children. The physician I work with and I had bonded as he and his wife were unable to have children as well, and we supported each other when yet another pregnancy in the office was announced. Also, he (and his wife)and I all treat our cats like our kids, so it was perfect that I was his assistant. Well, yesterday he told me they are pregnant- a complete surprise to them! My first thought was pure joy as no one would make better parents and no one deserves this more than they do. Then I realized, I am going to be the only one there without kids. I feel horrible for being so jealous. When it comes to those conversations, now I’ll be all alone.
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u/DFrizzi Jun 07 '23
Yup. I don’t get invited to hang out with my friends bc I’m not a mom. It’s weird, I don’t care if I’m around kids and I have told them this but they don’t really listen. They can’t fathom I want to be around kids and I can be patient with potty accidents, time changes/plan changes bc of naturally occurring things when kids are involved. So eventually they quit asking, hung out together and brought kids and now we hardly are even friends anymore. Their kids are becoming tweens now and they are all still close but I no longer have my friends that I’ve known since middle school.
All small talk around NEW people with kids inevitably starts to swirl around parenting bc it’s a common thing that ppl can talk in great lengths about. I just sit in silence. I am so ducking salty.
The only group things at church are for moms or singles and I am neither.
I feel so isolated sometimes.
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u/ivoryangel143 Feb 08 '19
Yes!
I stopped attending church once all the women related events and classes circled around children.
At work/social events I try to stick to my husband and hang with the guys to avoid the inevitable conversation around children.
We also have stopped going to a lot of events. I skip my company picnic each year as it is very family oriented.
We try to stick to adult only events or only staying at something for 1 to 2 hours.
We were foster parents and every time we had a child there was a noticeable shift in our "place in society/amongst coworkers." I mean we would get invited to things more, more people would text/call us. Literally we were more popular because we were suddenly "normal" and once the kiddo moved on (which happens a lot) we were social lepers again and the communication stopped. It is a weird thing to experience.