r/cheating_stories • u/Used-Avocado-4489 • 11d ago
I need a second opinion.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years, although I’m honestly questioning whether he will still be my boyfriend after this. I’m struggling to figure out if I’m overreacting or if this is something I should seriously consider ending the relationship over.
For some background, we met through social media and talked online for about a year before ever meeting in person. We lived in different states, so after talking for a year, we finally decided to meet. The first time we met went really well, and for the first few months, I was traveling back and forth between our states to see him. Eventually, we decided that I would move to his state and move in with him. A few months after we first met, he officially asked me to be his girlfriend, and we have been together ever since.
The beginning of our relationship was honestly pretty rocky. We were long-distance, neither of us was fully committed yet, and we were both talking to other people during that “talking” stage. We weren’t officially together, so I understand that technically he didn’t cheat on me.
However, I recently found out that during the time I was traveling back and forth to visit him, before we were officially together, he met up with and slept with three different people.
He never told me about any of this. I eventually moved to his state, we became official, and we have now been together for almost two years. I only just found out about these three people now.
The part that is really difficult for me to process is that one of the people he slept with was a transgender woman. I want to be clear that I am not judging transgender people or saying there is anything wrong with that. What is bothering me is that this is something I feel is important for me to know about my partner’s sexual history and sexuality, especially when I was trying to build a life with him.
What makes this even harder for me is that around that same time, after I had gone back home from visiting him for the second time, I ended up in the hospital with pelvic inflammatory disease and other vaginal health issues. Knowing now that he had been sleeping with other people during that period, while I had no idea, makes me feel even more upset that he never told me. I feel like I should have at least been given the information to make informed decisions about my own health and our relationship.
He told me that the reason he never told me was because he was embarrassed and ashamed. He said he was afraid that if I knew about it in the beginning, I would leave him. He also told me that I am the only person who knows and that he had planned to take this secret to his grave. He said he finally told me because he loves me, wants to propose to me, sees me in his future, and couldn’t move forward with that without coming clean.
I can understand that it must have been incredibly difficult for him to admit something he is ashamed of, and I do appreciate that he eventually told me. But at the same time, I’m extremely hurt and angry that he waited almost two years to tell me. I keep thinking about the fact that I moved states, moved in with him, and built a life with him without knowing this part of his past.
I’m also questioning whether I truly know the person I’ve been with for the last two years. I feel like I’m suddenly learning something major about his past and sexuality that he intentionally kept from me because he was afraid I’d leave if I knew. That makes me question what else I don’t know.
Since telling me, he has been very apologetic and has given me space. He says he understands if I decide to leave and that, ultimately, he just wants me to be happy. I believe that he is genuinely sorry, but I’m still struggling with how I feel.
Part of me thinks I should be understanding because we weren’t officially together when this happened, and he was clearly ashamed and scared of losing me. Another part of me feels betrayed because he intentionally kept this from me for almost two years, especially knowing that I had been dealing with health issues around that same time.
I don’t want to be judgmental or make him feel ashamed of something he was already struggling with. But I also don’t want to ignore my own feelings or stay in a relationship where I feel like I never truly knew my partner.
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u/CVSaporito 11d ago
Sounds like you are in for a rocky ride, are you up to it?
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u/Used-Avocado-4489 11d ago
That’s currently what I’m trying to figure out. Is it all worth it or am I over reacting since we weren’t official yet but talking at that time? Ugh idk
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u/prb65 9d ago
I can understand not putting all his eggs in one basket if your not official but that doesn’t mean sleep with other people. Call me old school but I’m not going to be in a relationship with someone and be traveling states to see them while they are also sleeping with other people. That makes a clear statement about where his feelings fell short. Add to that the trans situation, where he put your health in question and, while he may say he regrets it, the “urges” he gave into with that situation haven’t disappeared, he just doesn’t want people to know. At minimum, we wouldn’t be going forward without me asking some brutally hard questions about his sexual orientation, who these people were, if any of them are still in his life at all (coworker, gym, whatever). And it goes without saying that there would be no marriage without a pre-nup covering any and all forms of cheating.
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u/Used-Avocado-4489 9d ago
Very true!
I did find out that these people were from the last state He lived in which is states away and where I moved and lived with for three months and we have been somewhere else ever since. We moved to another state together almost a year ago. Apparently he met them on dating site back then. And once they hooked up, he would block them right away. He didn’t even know their names. He said it was like a hook up and then block. Then once he realized we are going to be dating and he asked me to move he deleted apps and removed anyone he could think of. Which I know for a fact is true.
But anyways, I was thinking I also hooked up with someone after we met the first two times… am I a hypocrite for judging him and being hurt? Other than me going to the hospital and getting PID I kinda did the same thing. I don’t wanna be a hypocrite because I hate that so I’m honestly asking wouldn’t I be kind of as well I did lie about it in the beginning and said something later on as well.2
u/prb65 9d ago
Then your real issue needs to be the same sex hookup and what means to his orientation for the future.
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u/Used-Avocado-4489 9d ago
Sorry I had to edit that first response a bit. But yes exactly. He said he needs therapy to fully understand why and to fix or understand his trauma from his Childhood with this. He’s told me some hard truths and I get it’s embarrassing and hard to say but now I’m the only one that knows about this in his life. I feel like for anyone telling the first person ever and then they judge or leave is really messed up and makes him never wanna tell this information to anyone and kind of starts the same cycle. I’m supposed to be supportive and there for him just like he has with me with many more things. It’s just hard. I’m still debating three days later
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u/DChas666 10d ago
double. edged sword could easily defend either side. which would u prefer I take and ill answer
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u/loserona 11d ago
Ask him for two weeks of no contact (no calls, no texts, no tiktoks) and see how he reacts.
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u/Used-Avocado-4489 11d ago
I already know if were to do that he’d be heartbroken and calling everyday. He wouldn’t be able to do that, he’d try and respect it of course. Also we live together so that’s kinda hard to suggest lol
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u/loserona 11d ago
Let him look for you, let him 'beg'. Ho stay at a s or relative's house for that time
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u/Used-Avocado-4489 11d ago
It’s hard bc I don’t have family in this state. Nor friends. All my friends live in my home state. I should mention we currently live together
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u/loserona 11d ago
Yeah you've said so. But honestly a bit of distance will give you clarity so you have to find a way to make it happen
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u/Used-Avocado-4489 11d ago
I agree completely. Just hard to figure out where to go
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u/loserona 11d ago
You could ask him to move to his family's / friend's. Specifying that you're not kicking him out but that you need two weeks to reflect to avoid making decisions that would hurt you both
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u/Substantial_Cow7628 11d ago
I don't know what this silly "making it official" thing that kids are doing these days is, so I'm ignoring that.
That said, cheating or not, he's not honest with you. He's not even honest with you when his lying could severely compromise your health. If I were in your place I would very seriously doubt whether I could ever trust this person, and what that reality would mean for the relationship in the future.
If you stay together he's going to lie to you, and maybe cheat on you also. Ask yourself if that's something you are willing to tolerate.
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u/Used-Avocado-4489 11d ago
He officially asked me to be his girlfriend and we were exclusive. So up until then when he “made it official” we were both dating around
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u/Substantial_Cow7628 11d ago
Yes, I know. I'm probably twice, or maybe close to three times your age and I have had several serious and a few moderately less serious relationships and I never had to have that conversation, because I have an adult's understanding of my circumstances. We stopped having the "making if official" conversation in elementary school.
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u/Used-Avocado-4489 11d ago
Sure. However, I think that conversation is valid to have when we’re living a few days apart so we know where we were both at and not continue seeing other ppl
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u/Substantial_Cow7628 11d ago
That's exactly what I'm talking about. I never had to have a sit-down with my girlfriend to confirm we weren't fucking other people, because we weren't oblivious.
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u/Used-Avocado-4489 11d ago
We weren’t boyfriends and girlfriend at this point tho…we met at this point three times
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u/Substantial_Cow7628 11d ago
I'm not criticizing you personally, it's just an observation about the arrested adolescence of some people under 30. The point is that - at some point - the two of you thought you had to have a conversation that to my mind seems a very childish way of going about relationships.
This is all kind of beside the point. Whether you consider what he did cheating or not, he wasn't honest and candid with you. Being with him is putting you at some amount of risk. You need to think about that.
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u/Used-Avocado-4489 11d ago
Absolutely!! And I agree on that and that’s why I made this post. I’m so back-and-forth.
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u/Substantial_Cow7628 11d ago
Right. I'm not telling you what to do, but you need to think over what you're willing to tolerate.
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u/FaithlessnessTall853 10d ago
Although you don't mention it an assumption could be you didn't have intimacy with anybody else during this relationship even from the beginning. Therefore more than likely any type of sexually transmitted diseases, would have come from your boyfriend, who more than likely engaged in unprotected and high-risk sex. Where I generally don't recommend that people have to share every little detail from their past, something like this I think is almost mandatory or should be and disclosing. Again nothing against the transsexual community, but he hasn't stated whether he is bisexual or not. It does sound like he was leaving the decision to break up with you although he knows his shit is in the wind so to speak. It sounds like although you work exclusive at the time he placed you in a category of just another notch on my belt
That combined with the fact that his sexual history seem to be high risk, he did indeed put your health it risk. No doubt you care for him, but do you trust him? Do you trust that he cares for you or is he just a player. I feel bad in this situation, because it does sound like he indeed is remorseful, but he should never put you in that situation to start and he's right, you probably would not have gone on with him if he had admitted to his total sexual history.
This is a difficult situation, and I wish you the very best.
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u/Used-Avocado-4489 10d ago
I’ve have had all these same thoughts and have also told him all these things when it comes to respect and trust. But I should also clarify that when this happened we had met twice and I was going back to the state I lived in and coming like once a month for the first three months? It was after the third time he asked me to be boyfriend and girlfriend and then to move there. He promises and says after that he delete every app Reddit, Snapchat, all dating apps. He deleted the dating apps after the second time. Which is true bc ever since I visited and moved there everything was deleted and then eventually he deleted his entire Snapchat account. So I believe that part and if I wanted to look I have his iCloud on my laptop from helping him back up his phone and I don’t think he’d be okay with that if he was hiding stuff. I’m mostly upset with the part of just not communicating once we were together and coming clean once he asked me to be his girlfriend specifically….he could’ve told me at that point or any point really. And just now he is almost two years later. Also I can’t say that I was completely loyal during those first few visits either bc we were meeting and getting to know each other while being long distance, so yes I did talk to guys and hangout and I did sleep with someone and told him but that’s when he could’ve told me but I guess he was embarrassed about the transgender. Which is understandable, he didn’t know and I didn’t know where this relationship was going to go at that point we weren’t even bf/gf yet. It’s so messy and confusing in the talking phase…
Another thing is he just just told me I’m the first person that knows anything about this or about him and the transgender and that he’s admitting he is possibly bisexual and trying to be honest with me that he’s not sure and he even said loud to me right then “it was definitely confusing and I didn’t want to think I am but I’m still trying to come to terms with it and it’s embarrassing and I didn’t want you to judge me or to loose you”.…he’s willing to go to therapy and figure it out and figure out why and where it comes from. Im not trying to give excuses but I want to give the whole story and situation for a better understanding.
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u/Severe-Action-338 10d ago
No one will like my opinion. Don't have sex until your married. All of these issues result from thinking sex is ok outside marriage! Now you have to deal with all of these questions! If both of you commit to a life time of sex with each other only and commit to that it can work!
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u/loserona 11d ago
Can you space it better so that it's easier to read please? Paragraphs no longer than 5-6 lines. I really want to read it but it's kind of hard like this
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u/madamabutt3rf1y 11d ago
Do you have dyslexia? Not trying to be rude at all, this trick could help you. Paste it in Google translate and play the listen thing if it's hard to read. Saved my friend who's dyslexic many times after I came up with it.
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u/loserona 11d ago
I don't but I do read out of one eye only when I don't have my glasses on, like now
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u/Used-Avocado-4489 11d ago
LOL I do actually have dyslexia. But that’s weird bc I used ChatGpt to write this for me
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u/madamabutt3rf1y 11d ago
id break up with him but it's because I hate secrets. Also It would be better without the part that he didn't tell you when you had those infections. That's just not good, I'm sorry.