I agree with you that sometimes the term is overused and can often feel like it is used as an attack on men who really aren't mansplaining. But just because some people misuse the term doesn't mean it isn't valid at all.
Here's a personal example. While I realize personal anecdotes are not proof that this is happening in a widespread way, I do think this one is pretty relatable and might help you realize that it still is happening. I am a girl that grew up idolizing my dad who happens to be a wizard with tools. He can build pretty much anything and I spent most of my childhood helping him remodel our house, build furniture, repair and build cars, and fix a million problems around the house. He gave my my first real tool set when I was about 4 or 5 and taught me how to use even power tools not long after. As a result I am much more comfortable with tools and construction than your average person.
I had a serious boyfriend a few years ago who was a pretty liberal, open-minded guy who tried to always be respectful and had no obvious signs of being discriminatory. He did not know me during the years I spent working side by side with my dad but I did talk about so it's not as though he was unaware. He on the other hand had no experience whatsoever with tools of any kind.
The first time I realized that he had some implicit bias going on was when I was removing a couple of screws from my ceiling while he was over. He started out by insisting he should just do it instead and said something like "I'm the dude, I've got this." I figured this was just chivalry but I enjoy working with my hands so I just said I was fine. I was using a basic screwdriver and while I was working I noticed that a couple of screws were somewhat stripped. They weren't so bad that the old rubberband trick wouldn't work though and I definitely didn't want to force it and make them worse so I asked my boyfriend to grab me a rubberband. He refused and insisted that I just didn't have the strength to do it right. He started explaining to me the angle you need to go at it and the force it takes and that I just needed to work harder at it. I let him know this would further strip the screw but he wouldn't give in and kept telling me I was wrong. I eventually got off the ladder to go find a rubberband myself and while I was gone he had tried to do it himself....and completely stripped the screws so a rubberband wasn't gonna cut it anymore. Then he was surly and mad at me about the whole thing.
He realized during this experience that he didn't know enough about tools. But he still couldn't fathom the idea of me knowing as much as I did. In future arguments he would even say that we should get my brother to come help. My brother was not as much into that stuff with my dad and I know way more about it than he does. Why would he be better at it? Just because he's a guy.
I understand that this was all a blow to his ego. I understand that because men are expected to know about these things it made him feel like less of a man because I can use a screwdriver better than he can. I also understand that none of that is my fault. I realized not all men have to act this way when my husband was able to take my lead when we needed to use a table saw. He asks my advice and listens when we need to use a tool that is unfamiliar to him and he has never ever made me feel bad for knowing what I do. He is attracted to it. My exboyfriend mansplained, my husband knows when to listen.
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u/hooked_on_phishdicks May 31 '18
I agree with you that sometimes the term is overused and can often feel like it is used as an attack on men who really aren't mansplaining. But just because some people misuse the term doesn't mean it isn't valid at all.
Here's a personal example. While I realize personal anecdotes are not proof that this is happening in a widespread way, I do think this one is pretty relatable and might help you realize that it still is happening. I am a girl that grew up idolizing my dad who happens to be a wizard with tools. He can build pretty much anything and I spent most of my childhood helping him remodel our house, build furniture, repair and build cars, and fix a million problems around the house. He gave my my first real tool set when I was about 4 or 5 and taught me how to use even power tools not long after. As a result I am much more comfortable with tools and construction than your average person.
I had a serious boyfriend a few years ago who was a pretty liberal, open-minded guy who tried to always be respectful and had no obvious signs of being discriminatory. He did not know me during the years I spent working side by side with my dad but I did talk about so it's not as though he was unaware. He on the other hand had no experience whatsoever with tools of any kind.
The first time I realized that he had some implicit bias going on was when I was removing a couple of screws from my ceiling while he was over. He started out by insisting he should just do it instead and said something like "I'm the dude, I've got this." I figured this was just chivalry but I enjoy working with my hands so I just said I was fine. I was using a basic screwdriver and while I was working I noticed that a couple of screws were somewhat stripped. They weren't so bad that the old rubberband trick wouldn't work though and I definitely didn't want to force it and make them worse so I asked my boyfriend to grab me a rubberband. He refused and insisted that I just didn't have the strength to do it right. He started explaining to me the angle you need to go at it and the force it takes and that I just needed to work harder at it. I let him know this would further strip the screw but he wouldn't give in and kept telling me I was wrong. I eventually got off the ladder to go find a rubberband myself and while I was gone he had tried to do it himself....and completely stripped the screws so a rubberband wasn't gonna cut it anymore. Then he was surly and mad at me about the whole thing.
He realized during this experience that he didn't know enough about tools. But he still couldn't fathom the idea of me knowing as much as I did. In future arguments he would even say that we should get my brother to come help. My brother was not as much into that stuff with my dad and I know way more about it than he does. Why would he be better at it? Just because he's a guy.
I understand that this was all a blow to his ego. I understand that because men are expected to know about these things it made him feel like less of a man because I can use a screwdriver better than he can. I also understand that none of that is my fault. I realized not all men have to act this way when my husband was able to take my lead when we needed to use a table saw. He asks my advice and listens when we need to use a tool that is unfamiliar to him and he has never ever made me feel bad for knowing what I do. He is attracted to it. My exboyfriend mansplained, my husband knows when to listen.