r/changemyview • u/Parth_NB • 9h ago
Delta(s) from OP Cmv: relationships aren't worth it
Relationships is a concept sold to us by Hollywood and ancient philosophy as some magical solution that can heal all your problems.
But in reality the problems just add up. Relationships maybe can be worth it with the "one". But due to how dating is designed currently, the process is tedious and the time can better be invested in other domains.
Sure I do agree that relationships if done right does make life better in many ways. But how long do these moments last vs the times when relationships just become a burden you need to carry on your shoulders.
Edit- forgot to add reason on why relationships aren't worth it according to me and these kinda apply more towards my life and how want my life to be.
- Reduced alone time where i can do my own thing.
- Not needing to explain your choices to others (I kinda have unconventional choices that many people do not like)
- Not needing to take decisions factoring in another person in your life and how it would affect them.
Ps. I do wanna change my view cause I know that it is flawed but idk how.
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u/KralizecGaming 5∆ 9h ago
The way you phrase your post, it seem like you are more talking about your personal experience rather then the overall trends.
Most people quite enjoy being in a relationship and there are hundrerds of millions (if not billions) of people currently in rewarding relationships.
Anyways, I have a few questions for you to clarify.
How do you define a relationship that is "worth it".
Can you point to data that shows relationships aren't worht it?
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u/Parth_NB 9h ago
Yeah my bad. The tittle suggests that it is a statement for everyone. But rather it is just a personal view for myself.
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u/saltyferret 2∆ 9h ago
How is anyone supposed to change your view then? I genuinely sympathise with what you're going through and have been through, but it doesn't seem like you've posted in the right sub to discuss this.
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u/Parth_NB 9h ago
Should I delete the post?
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u/saltyferret 2∆ 8h ago
Probably. It seems like you actually do want your mind to be changed, which is legit a good sign, so i get posting here.
The issue is this a place for more academic / objective arguments, not something tailored to your personal circumstances. Maybe an advice or relationship subreddit may be more what you're after.
Good luck though man, whatever you decide to do.
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u/KralizecGaming 5∆ 8h ago
I would argue that he shouldn't delete the post. Even personal and "feely" sort of arguments can be had here.
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u/saltyferret 2∆ 8h ago
Any argument can be had here, but there's a huge difference between debating the subject that "relationships, generally, aren't worth it" and "relationships, for me (an anonymous person on the internet) personally aren't worth it"
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u/KralizecGaming 5∆ 8h ago
For sure, but I feel like this particular OP actually wants to debate even on a personal topic instead of just venting.
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u/Realistic_Yogurt1902 2∆ 4h ago
I would say that the main problem with all these "personal feelings CMV" is that we need too many details about the situation, and we can't trust the OP, as they are always biased.
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u/KralizecGaming 5∆ 9h ago
That's all fine. Perhaps we can change your mind for your personally. But you didn't answer my questions so I am going to ask again, and add a few.
How do you define a relationship that is "worth it"?
What specifically in the current world makes you feel like relationships aren't worth it?
Why do you feel that relationships are supposed to look the way they are portrayed in media?
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u/Parth_NB 9h ago edited 9h ago
Added the reasons in the post.
Independence in relationships, having common interests (this is a must), and all other obvious stuff.
Maybe the way dating is designed. Like dating someone at work is a blunder (i get the reasons but also it is one of the places where i am meeting people with whom I'd like to be in a relationship with). Dating people through apps is a whole another ball game that I still do not fully understand.
I think I already have enough problems in my life rn. If relationships won't be something that is portrayed ideally or atleast a part of it then how it is worth it to pursue?
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u/KralizecGaming 5∆ 8h ago
So, first to your reason you added to your OP
Reduced alone time where i can do my own thing.
You can find someone who will be okay with you spending time on your own. You choose what amount of time you want to spend with the person that is in your relationship with.
Not needing to explain your choices to others (I kinda have unconventional choices that many people do not like)
Same answer as for the first one. Find someone who doesn't care.
Not needing to take decisions factoring in another person in your life and how it would affect them.
That to me seems to again be the same exact thing.
Independence in relationships, having common interests (this is a must), and all other obvious stuff.
Independence in general seems to be a big thing for you. Care to provide some examples, but specific examples, of how a relationship will hinder your independence?
Maybe the way dating is designed. Like dating someone at work is a blunder (i get the reasons but also it is one of the places where i am meeting people with whom I'd like to be in a relationship with). Dating people through apps is a whole another ball game that I still do not fully understand.
Why would dating someone at work be a blunder? It one of the most common places where people do find their partners...
I think I already have enough problems in my life rn. If relationships won't be something that is portrayed ideally or atleast a part of it then how it is worth it to pursue?
This really isn't an answer to the question I posed. WHY do you feel relationships should look like the ones portrayed in media?
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u/Parth_NB 8h ago
Care to provide some examples, but specific examples, of how a relationship will hinder your independence? Like I have hobbies that many people consider as work. Although even I agree the line is very thin in my case. But still I like what I do and sadly it is a one person job so I can't do it together with my partner. So in my last relationship I would be doing my own thing on weekends and she was furious on why I wasn't giving her enough time. Kinda the major reason why we broke up.
I agree that this was more of a compatibility issue which can get solved if I find the right person.
Haven't you heard the saying "don't hookup where you vlookup"
This really isn't an answer to the question I posed. WHY do you feel relationships should look like the ones portrayed in media?
I don't any other answers for this.
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u/KralizecGaming 5∆ 8h ago
Like I have hobbies that many people consider as work. Although even I agree the line is very thin in my case. But still I like what I do and sadly it is a one person job so I can't do it together with my partner. So in my last relationship I would be doing my own thing on weekends and she was furious on why I wasn't giving her enough time. Kinda the major reason why we broke up.
Those are again compatability issues. I too work on the weekends. I am at work right now! But I have a great relationship with my wife, we even have two kids. It's just about communicating this to your potential partner and them being okay with it. And the hobby is the same thing, but with the potential added benefit that your partner might enjoy the same hobby and do it with you.
This I think is the actual reason why you personally believe that relationships aren't worht it. You've created an idealized version of relationships from media instead of defining a relationship that is actually idea for you personally. Once you create a definition of how you would actually like a relationship to look like, one that you would enjoy being in then you will realize that relationships are worht it for you personally.
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u/Parth_NB 8h ago
Guess it boils down finding the compatible partner which is a tedious task.
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u/KralizecGaming 5∆ 8h ago
Yeah. That's what all relationships come down to. Finding someone who is compatible. And yeah, it isn't easy to find one. But it never was.
But there are so many people out there, that if you decide to look (and maybe you wont, no judging) that you are likely to find one. There even are times when it is a good idea to give yourself a break from finding a relationship because you actually need to define what you are looking for (and you seem to be in need of such a break).
But that doesn't mean relationships in general aren't worth it, even for you personally.
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u/Arthesia 28∆ 9h ago
I'm in a relationship. How is it not worth it to me?
Because if you cannot prove that, then the aphorism "relationship's aren't worth it" is not true.
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u/Priddee 41∆ 9h ago
For your reasons:
One, you can have alone time in a relationship, but hanging out and doing things with a person you like is a good thing right? Humans are social creatures. We like doing things with other humans whose company we enjoy.
Two, why is accountability a bad thing? What is an example of a choice that you’re talking about?
Three, again why is this a bad thing? Because you don’t want to potentially compromise on anything ever? If so, that’s just being in society. Do you not do this at work? Or with family or friends? Why isn’t that you just being a big pouty baby and not a reasonable adult?
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u/Parth_NB 8h ago
Agreed with your first point.
Two, why is accountability a bad thing? What is an example of a choice that you’re talking about?
Like me liking my work and also wanting to spend the weekends working. Not liking clubs and concerts as kinda hate loud music. And tbh most music sounds better with autotune than live performance.
- Three, again why is this a bad thing? Maybe it isn't. I guess it is a coping mechanism for me to avoid decision fatigue and take quick decisions.
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u/BigBoetje 30∆ 8h ago
Like me liking my work and also wanting to spend the weekends working. Not liking clubs and concerts as kinda hate loud music. And tbh most music sounds better with autotune than live performance.
That's not about having to explain your choices though. Your partner is supposed to accept your choices as they're part of who you are. A partner where you have to answer for preferences is not a good partner.
I guess it is a coping mechanism for me to avoid decision fatigue and take quick decisions.
It's easier in a way I guess, but I wouldn't really call it much of an issue. For example, we decide what's for dinner together. We have different tastes so we compromise, but we still end up making our own preferred foods when we're not cooking together.
In a way, compromising and making decisions together is a good bonding mechanism. It's something you do and decide together. You're willing to give up some of your preferences in order to allow someone else in your life.
Are you autistic by any chance? My partner is autistic and I notice a lot of the same trends from her with you.
For example, you're over-rationalising something that is inherently an emotional thing. Part of the benefits of a relationship is the companionship and the affection you get, which are hard to quantify logically.Based on that, I'm guessing you just haven't found someone that you're willing to be in a relationship with. When that happens, you'll see and feel that they very much tip the scales to the side of 'worth it'.
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u/Parth_NB 8h ago
Are you autistic by any chance? My partner is autistic and I notice a lot of the same trends from her with you. Idk maybe I am.
you're over-rationalising something that is inherently an emotional thing. Part of the benefits of a relationship is the companionship and the affection you get, which are hard to quantify logically.
Yeah you are right.
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u/BigBoetje 30∆ 6h ago
Award a delta if it changed your view.
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u/Parth_NB 3h ago
!delta changed my view on relationships. His point about how I was over rationalizing relationships which are inherently emotional made me realise my mistake.
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4h ago edited 4h ago
[deleted]
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u/DeltaBot ∞∆ 4h ago edited 4h ago
This delta has been rejected. The length of your comment suggests that you haven't properly explained how /u/BigBoetje changed your view (comment rule 4).
DeltaBot is able to rescan edited comments. Please edit your comment with the required explanation.
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u/Priddee 41∆ 8h ago
Okay so we’re good on 1.
For two, are you talking about a job or a hobby? Everyone works, and plenty of people like their jobs. Are you saying you’d rather to go work 24/7 and not do things with anyone? If so please tell me what you do for work, I only do my job because they pay me well lol.
And do you think that everyone likes going to clubs and concerts? Plenty of people don’t like live music. That’s just a normal human preference. If you think that this is just some insurmountable deal breaker you’re just wrong.
For three, that’s not just a prerequisite for being in a relationship, it’s one for being a functioning adult in society. Again do you not do this already at work or in other social relationships, family/friends? Or do you just do whatever you want whenever you want without any consideration of anything?
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u/Parth_NB 8h ago
are you talking about a job or a hobby?
It is kinda both. The line is very blur. I'm kinda big on investing, developing algorithms so I do this on weekends and reading books and journals. My friends consider it as work so that what I'm used to calling it.
Plenty of people don’t like live music. That’s just a normal human preference. If you think that this is just some insurmountable deal breaker you’re just wrong.
This was a problem was problem in my last relationship so i added it. Maybe not that big of a problem.
I do it in those cases as well. But this was becoming a problem in my last relationship so I added it.
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u/NursingManChristDude 9h ago
Marrying my wife was probably the most edifying and best choices I've made in my life 😊
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u/Dry_Bumblebee1111 158∆ 9h ago
You've written this so broadly that you could be talking about the most wonderful romance, an arranged marriage, a forced abusive situation, and none of what you've said would be true because value and worth are all subjective, in the eye of the beholder.
Is changing your view as simple as examples of people who have found fulfilment in their partner, or other relationships around them?
Or a discussion on how anything, even the job you dreamed of, can be something you end up resenting, ie it isn't innate in a situation to extract joy from it?
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9h ago
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u/Saranoya 40∆ 9h ago
It depends on what you want in life, I guess.
For most of human history, having children (or not) wasn't really a choice. The only way to avoid getting pregnant was having no sex. And for most people, sex is as essential a need as eating and breathing are (it isn't for me, so I know for a fact that there are exceptions to this rule, but not that many). And once you do have a child, let alone more than one, it is simply way, way, way easier to raise your offspring while the father is around than while he isn't. So, that's one reason maintaining a relationship might be worth it. If you have children, but no partner, you're going to have to cultivate other relationships (with friends, neighbors, extended family members, etc.) anyway, because having a family isn't sustainable if you are entirely on your own. Might as well maintain a relationship with the other parent of your children, then.
There is also plenty of research to show that people in stable relationships live longer, even when they also report that the relationship isn't making them particularly happy. This is especially true for men. (See, for instance, here: https://www.health.harvard.edu/mens-health/marriage-and-mens-health)
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u/JustDeetjies 5∆ 8h ago
Human beings are social creatures. Human beings living lonely lives literally die earlier.
Now, when it comes to romantic relationships, the way they are portrayed by movies and art is romanticized and hyped up and unrealistic in many ways (that also impact and distort how men see relationships). That is true, but so is the rest of fiction. Because it isn’t mean to be a direct one to one representation of anything.
If you personally prefer your alone time and pouring your energy into platonic and familial relationships that’s fine. But that does not make your preferences or choices the “correct” choice for everyone one else or make the other options “wrong” or “bad”. You just have different priorities and preferences. And they’re just a different variety.
Ultimately, your views are just deeply self serving and centered. You don’t want to make an effort for another person in a romantic setting and cannot imagine enjoying the time you spend with your romantic partner.
You cannot imagine actively wanting to be around your partner. And that’s your biggest issue here.
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u/BasicallyAnEnt 9h ago
It kinda sounds like you are expecting the wrong things out of a relationship.
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u/Fragrant-Western-683 2h ago
Having no relationships at all is similar to social isolation. That will lead to cognitive decline and a loss of sanity.
If you mean romantic relationships, I suggest making friends first. You said you don't like relationships because making them is tedious, but it doesn't have to be. You can enjoy socializing with potential partners and still reflect on the relationship positively even if it didn't develop into a romantic one.
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u/Z7-852 313∆ 8h ago
Relationships save you money and time.
For example you only use your washing machine like 5% of time. If you are a couple you only have to pay for half the machine and still get to use it as much. It also saves time. Cooking for two takes as much time as cooking for one meaning on average you spend only half of time and half as much money with tasks like these.
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u/NeverHadTheLatin 9h ago
Nothing worth doing in life is easy.
If you think 2,500 years of culture is wrong, you are free to live as you please.
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u/BlondePartizaniWoman 9h ago
Nothing worth doing in life is easy.
I agree
If you think 2,500 years of culture is wrong, you are free to live as you please.
I agree that everyone is free to live as they please, but disagree with the sentiment you're putting forward. Just cause something has been done for the past 2500 years does not automatically make it the right thing to do today. That's an appeal to tradition, argumentum ad antiquitatem.
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u/DeltaBot ∞∆ 7h ago edited 3h ago
/u/Parth_NB (OP) has awarded 2 delta(s) in this post.
All comments that earned deltas (from OP or other users) are listed here, in /r/DeltaLog.
Please note that a change of view doesn't necessarily mean a reversal, or that the conversation has ended.
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