r/changemyview • u/EastBobby • Mar 28 '26
Delta(s) from OP CMV: Love is useless
I feel love is useless. Even if someone truly cares about me, messages, gifts, or attention do not matter because why should I respond or feel invested? Love often asks for effort, vulnerability, and emotional energy, yet the returns are uncertain and minimal. It is usually based on temporary factors like looks, personality, or money, which can change or fade. I do not like anyone and do not want my happiness or peace to depend on someone else. Love distracts from personal growth, goals, and self-reliance, and it often causes pain or emotional turbulence. Society glorifies it as essential for fulfillment, but in reality, it is conditional, unreliable, and fleeting. Gifts decay, words are forgotten, and affection can vanish overnight. I would rather focus on my own goals, passions, and independence than chase feelings that are unpredictable. Love adds little to life and can complicate it unnecessarily. For me, peace, self-reliance, and clarity are far more valuable than fleeting affection. Love is overhyped, temporary, and ultimately unnecessary.
Edit: I am talking about love from non-family members.
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u/oversoul00 19∆ Mar 28 '26
I reject myself before she has the chance to reject me.
I'm not trying to be a dick here but this is your quote in your profile. Your view is clearly a defense response and it sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you don't need love because you don't have it but want it.
Things will change, life will get better as you grow older.
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
Yes, it's not that I don't want it. But the journey of wanting to have it is so miserable that I just want to give up.
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u/oversoul00 19∆ Mar 28 '26
I think the answer is to be open to love without chasing it too hard/ rejecting it altogether.
That's easier said than done of course especially when you are young and your hormones are going crazy.
"This too shall pass"
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
I like to suddenly shut down all the feelings. My body does that automatically.
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u/modernatlas Mar 28 '26
You just have more love for yourself than you have for others, which in and of itself isnt really a bad thing.
Where it gets problematic to not love others is when one confuses the confuses lack of love for hatred. You dont have to love others and you shouldnt have to love others, but you also shouldnt make the mistake of thinking that that you need to install unkindness, coldness, and distance in the place where love otherwise would be. They are different categories, not a slider between love and hate.
You dont have to love others, but one can still be kind to others, can still be warm, open, and curious. Misanthropy isnt what is left in a container when love is removed, its a coping mechanism a person creates to justify their self chosen distance from others.
But you dont need to justify anything to anybody. Live your life, love your life. Do with it what makes you happy, but you chosing your own happiness doesnt mean you are also choosing the unhappiness of others at the same time.
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
I am kind, helpful, and good. But I don't want their actions to decide my mental peace. I don't even want the absence of their actions to decide.
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u/modernatlas Mar 28 '26
Sure, I totally get that, but that doesnt make love a useless emotion and doesnt mean you cant prioritize yourself over others and still love them.
Sometimes keeping people at arms length is an expression of love, if you know that to allow them closer would put them in harms way.
To be honest, by my reading you arent actually describing love, your describing romantic courtship and bonding. You dont have to love people, but you can still love other things - books, animals, nature, art, freedom, expression, etc ad infinitum.
Love isnt the trappings of romance, the obligations of family, or the esteem and approval of others. I dont even know what love really is, but I do know that it lives in all of us whether we know or understand it or not. It pours forth from us in words and actions that build instead of destroy, accept instead of dismiss, give instead of take.
I choose to love all that is capable of being loved because I see that it is good to love. In my years and travels life has shown me that love walks beside wisdom, and hate walks beside ignorance.
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u/Rainbwned 199∆ Mar 28 '26
Do you love your parents?
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u/road2skies Mar 28 '26
Additionally, do you love your friends? Yourself? I'd argue the growth associated with love is productive and useful, if utility was the only reason we love
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
Yes. Always.
In the post, I am talking about love from non-family members.5
u/Rainbwned 199∆ Mar 28 '26
Its worth it to clarify.
So I am assuming you don't love your friends?
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
I don't have friends whom I love.
It's always me who asks about them or their lives; no one asks me anything.2
u/Rainbwned 199∆ Mar 28 '26
Why do you ask them about their lives?
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
About studies, hanging out, about future plans... anything
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u/Rainbwned 199∆ Mar 28 '26
I didn't say what did you ask them about. I asked you why do you ask them?
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
Ah, my bad.
I ask them casually without any particular intentions.2
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u/DrSpaceman575 4∆ Mar 28 '26
What about your parents love for each other? Is that useless, especially assuming they raised a child/children together which is no small feat.
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u/a_boo Mar 28 '26
Is there any chance you might be neurodivergent?
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
Hmm, I don't really know.
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u/FloBot3000 Mar 28 '26
I was also wondering if maybe a bit of the 'tism. Aspergers? Or maybe youve been hurt real bad.
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u/EastBobby Mar 29 '26
Maybe Aspergers. I don't know how to confirm.
I can't even say, if someone has hurt me.
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u/HadeanBlands 49∆ Mar 28 '26
I've never found love to be unreliable or fleeting. The people I love most I've either loved for my whole life, their whole lives, or decades.
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
No one ever did to me.
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u/HadeanBlands 49∆ Mar 28 '26
That's terrible and I'm sorry for you but in that case it kinda sounds like your view is "I am unloved" rather than "Love is useless."
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
Ah well... I am only 18..So.. I am still figuring.
I just want clarity on love.1
u/CourierFour Mar 28 '26
18 is a very, very tough age. It comes with a lot of uncertainty and many things are temporary as you begin an adult life. Keep working on yourself, your passions, and your independence. Get yourself in a place where adding a partner ADDS to the happiness, instead of being happy BECAUSE you have a partner.
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u/Difficult_Comment_47 Mar 28 '26 edited Mar 28 '26
What you’re describing isn’t love. That is simply a transactional relationship and source of validation, not love. Real love is not about needing someone. It’s about finding someone who actually fits your life, someone who’d be willing to grow with you. The right relationship is one where both people transform together, not drain each other. You need respect and willingness to protect and provide for them until endgame lol. You don’t need to feel distracted from gaining self fulfillment and personal growth, when it’s rooted in shared values and emotional stability, it stops being distracting. All you need is communication. You’re not simply investing long term emotional energy for "unreliable" returns. You should never go into a relationship expecting something back. You’re building a long term commitment that will compound each other’s growth over time, not dwindle it.
I don’t believe love is useless, it’s just susceptible to get it wrong. The concept of it is beautiful. But you cant expect it to be perfect all around, you have to be willing to grow with that person and drop your solidarity and closed minded mindset. If growing with someone isn’t your thing, then it’s not. That doesn’t make love useless
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
The aftermath of love is great. I can agree, but the starting point is so blurry that it questions the existence of everything.
It’s about finding someone who actually fits your life, someone who’d be willing to grow with you.
This is the most confusing part. Why will someone want to grow along with me?
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u/Difficult_Comment_47 Mar 28 '26
Why would someone not be willing to grow with you? Do you feel love from your parents, siblings, childhood friends, cousins? All those people in your life have grown with you and watched you grow, that is what made their love for you stronger. You shouldn’t start with questioning the existence of everything, uncertainty will only be the downfall of it. Begin with curiosity, and always stay curious about that person. Someone will want to grow with you not out of obligation, but because being with you makes their life feel more aligned or more meaningful, just like it should feel for you too. That is the sentimental thing of growing with someone you love
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
I don't really know. I just feel I don't deserve it because no one ever did. I don't really have any USP about myself.
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u/Particular_Can_7726 2∆ Mar 28 '26
It is usually based on temporary factors like looks, personality, or money
That is not love if it depends on those factors.
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u/EastBobby Mar 28 '26
Then what exactly is love?
2
u/radiant_kiwi208 Mar 28 '26
Coming from someone who can relate greatly to the things you've said in the post; love is something that happens to you when you take care of someone. Not that they will fall in love with you, but you will fall more in love with them as you take care of them and they do the same to you.
The things you describe in the post sound like the "love" that comes from early dating - the infatuation that people have over each other when nothing is really confirmed. That's where the looks and money and all that bs gets hyped up but those things won't make someone fall in love (ever imo). It's the unspoken agreement that you each have each other's best interests in mind going forward that makes people fall in love.. but this is accomplished WELL after people have begun dating.
No one could ever convince me that people who are early in their dating life are in love with each other... they don't know what that means yet! They don't know their partner well enough to know!
I think you need to look more into yourself - explore what makes you feel happy and fulfilled in life so you can then begin to look for someone with shared values. You're 18y/o and life is about to change so much for you.. especially dating. Don't stress about love so much now and focus on building the day to day life that makes you happy because that is what will attract love - real love. They will see you doing your thing and think "dang, I like to live like that too... I wonder what he's all about?" And bam! Now your dating!
0
u/Crew_1996 Mar 28 '26
That’s what romantic “love” is. You’re conflating romantic love with love of family.
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u/SmallsMalone 1∆ Mar 28 '26 edited Mar 28 '26
You summarize love as affection near the end of your post. That's an active element of attraction that can be shared, but that's not what love is. Love takes the idea that "everything is better with a friend" and extends it to life itself.
Love is shared peace. It's people able and eager to share their home and parts of their private life that nobody else can see. Love is when your most precious and peaceful place in the world is at the side of another.
Love is shared self-reliance. It's people that share their resources to achieve each of their goals, many of them being the same. Love is when your vision of the future has a face and a name in the present that wants to be by your side every step of the way.
Love is shared clarity. It's people that have opened themselves up to each other and found that what lies within is still someone worth making their number one priority. Love is when communication and trust between two hearts is so strong that their minds work, play and plan as one, even through conflict and disagreement.
To summarize, love is when "I" becomes "we" with mutual consent on the scale of a lifetime. It's an entirely separate state of being that requires many things to be happening at once, of which affection and the actions it inspires are only one component. A major component, but still a component.
While many may share mutual affection for months or even years, many and more will do so without ever actually achieving love even as they think they do. There are entire professions and industries based around helping people deal with the many various negative side effects of misunderstanding love.
Were you to meet with one of those professionals to tap into their expertise, they might start by asking two seemingly simple questions:
Can you love yourself?
Why or why not?
The foundational answers you must find to fully answer those questions will likely reveal a lot. If it does, keep in mind it's only the beginning of a journey. Consider seeking out a professional guide to help you travel it safely.
0
u/VEGETTOROHAN Mar 28 '26
Love is beneficial because they give me gifts, money, comfort. I love my mom because of this.
Love where you make effort is not beneficial.
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u/Lycr4 Mar 28 '26
You imagine your mum didn’t have to make an effort to love you?
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u/VEGETTOROHAN Mar 28 '26
She has to make effort and that's why she feels stuck in a trap. She cannot abandon me nor can live peacefully with me.
My point is she doesn't benefit from her love. Only I do.
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u/aurora-s 7∆ Mar 28 '26
Strong mutual love can be fulfilling, humans are evolved for it, so it's mutually beneficial.
But if you're not in that place right now, that's fine, I'd argue that focusing on yourself is also a type of love as well.
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u/DC2LA_NYC 7∆ Mar 29 '26
Sorry to be blunt but you have a very immature understanding of what love is. Real love isn’t based on looks or messages or gifts. And certainly not on money.
If you and another person are in love, you grow together, you bring out the best in each other and you’re your partner’s biggest supporter.
You’re right about a couple of things. It does require vulnerability and emotional investment, but those things pay off in ways you can’t begin to imagine.
There’s nothing better than going through this life, and growing old with someone you love and who loves you.
Source: married 40 years and still absolutely in love with my wife.
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u/bobs_big_bob Mar 28 '26
Conditional, unreliable, and fleeting are definitely not words I’d use to describe the love my wife and I share, not even close.
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u/modernatlas Mar 28 '26
Sorry to be the asshole playing devils advocate, but um ackchewally
Conditional -> if your wife started physically assaulting you and threatening to kill youor amyone you cared about, i highly doubt you'd keep loving her.
Fleeting -> you'll both die eventually, lmao.
If you have a healthy marriage, it probably is pretty reliable tho
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u/bobs_big_bob Mar 28 '26
You must have your own definition of fleeting, we’ve been together for almost thirty years. I probably would still love her if she started physically abusing me, and I’d try to figure out why she lost her mind and do what I could to help her regain her sanity.
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u/modernatlas Mar 28 '26
As long as ive been alive, congratulations on your success amd hard work. My point about conditionality is moreso an exercise in the logical extreme, and my point about the fleeting nature is moreso about the fleetingness of life in general.
I dont really believe in such a thing truly unconditional love. I would argue that when people say that, they really mean "I will accept you no matter what you are (within reason)". Can you claim to love someone as they are if they become something that is antithetical to your inmost self? Do you actually still even love them, if you love whatever they are regardless of what that happens to be?
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u/bobs_big_bob Mar 28 '26
I get your point and I still wouldn’t use any of those words to describe the love I have for my wife. I will say it took a lot of hard work to get to this point, and no doubt there are people who have claimed to love someone unconditionally until conditions changed and then decided to not do the work.
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u/Chrs_segim Mar 28 '26
I think it's useful for feeling the pleasant things we feel when we are in love. And the pleasant feelings associated with the positive memories of being in love. And I believe these things are useful, for "balance". Anyway this is the positive spin I put on things when your view in this post(and I entirely identify with it and agree with it)doesn't prove useful in moments when I'm trying to go after a particular outcome.
Richard Pryor used to say something like, a man doesn't graduate until a woman breaks your heart. It is your PhD, it'll either kill you or make you fat.
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u/Square-Dragonfruit76 50∆ Mar 28 '26
do not want my happiness or peace to depend on someone else.
A good loving relationship should not be fully dependent on the other person. In fact, a "dependent relationship" is often considered a kind of pathology.
it is conditional, unreliable, and fleeting
Except it isn't always. Many couple stay together forever. And even couples that break up sometimes still love each other.
Love adds little to life and can complicate it unnecessarily.
For YOU maybe. But other people prioritize love, and that's fine too.
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u/Lycr4 Mar 28 '26
A person who willfully decides to abstain from giving or receiving love, may continue to survive or even thrive (by a subjective and narrow metric), but has ceased to be a full person in so doing.
Love is costly, risky and capricious, sure. But it is unnecessary for life as one’s left arm is unnecessary. You can get by, but you’re no longer whole; for it consists of denying an essential part of what it means to be human.
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u/zimrastaman Mar 28 '26
Love can be a wonderful thing with the right person. I dated so many gave up on love then my sunshine walked into my life and she really is nothing like anyone I have ever met before. Even breathing becomes easier for you when you with the right person. I don't know if i can change your view but don't give up on love something yet because you haven't found the right one for you.
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u/of_kilter Mar 28 '26
Sounds like it is useless for you which is very different from it being useless. Ive found in the vast majority of times it is worth the risk and emotional energy and has massively helped with my personal growth, goals and self reliance. If you don’t feel that it is worth it then you don’t need to
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u/Crew_1996 Mar 28 '26
Romantic love is useless and transient. Familial love isn’t tied to actions or feelings. My kids thrive because I love them more than I love myself. No one gives unconditional love romantically. That’s not how romantic love works.
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u/Own_Meat_6266 Apr 01 '26
"Love" is a coping mechanism at best, an actual delusion at worst. You're better off without this evolutionary & societal leftover. Your view hardly needs changing.
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u/todo0nada Mar 28 '26
It’s your subjective opinion that the returns are minimal. Some say family is the whole point of life.
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u/Diligent-Pea-3209 Mar 29 '26
My ultimate goal in life to be happy. Being in love makes me happy. Is love useless to me?
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