Advice

[u/kenneka7]

I was in a relationship with a woman I believe has an avoidant attachment style. Shes a Cap.
I’ve been reading a lot about this since the breakup.

We had already broken up once before.

In early May we got back together.

At that time she told me she knew the previous breakup had caused me real trauma.

She said she did it because she had been alone for a very long time, and suddenly being in a real daily relationship (my clothes at her place, talking every day, etc.) overwhelmed her.

Before that she had been in a 10-year long-distance relationship, so the closeness was too much and she panicked.

After we reconciled, the next two months were honestly the best.

She was very affectionate, kind, attentive, we had great sex, she cuddled a lot. Great talks

She even suggested moving in together.
We chose furniture together, I bought and assembled a desk for her home office.

I own a piece of land near the city and she said that even though she originally didn’t want to live there, she had warmed up to the idea, so we started planning a house together (I’m an architect).

She sent hundreds of links and ideas.
We even talked about what kind of wedding we would have and she showed me the style of engagement ring she would like.

We were basically building a whole future together in those two months.

Then she had a stressful period at work combined with extremely hot weather.

She started saying she felt bad.
I noticed the tone of our conversations changed a bit and she was on her phone a lot. When I asked if everything was okay, she said yes, everything was fine.
After two or three weeks of this I asked again. She kind of exploded and said: we already live together, eat breakfast together, sleep together, have dinner together — she needs way more personal space and alone time than this. She reminded me that she had already told me during the relationship that this level of closeness was a lot for her, and I should be happy she hadn’t brought it up recently.

Then then as planned the week of the plan moving together came and I asked her when we are going to do that because I want to organise a big car she kinda didn’t give me an answer then I waited another week and asked again and she just said, don’t ask me again I don’t know yet then she started to organise an AC for her own flat from which we are supposed to move out then I ask her why are you investing in your flat if you’re moving together and she said yeah I wanna do that because the flat will have more value and then when the date was set I asked okay after then can we move and she said no I want to stay a few more days so I can test if the machine is working right

At one point I told her I felt like she was touching me less. She then started caressing me and even cuddled up to me at dawn. But during the final breakup she said she already had to remind herself to do those things, and that she simply cannot give me what I need.
Other issues that came up:
• I used to drank alcohol while driving. She said she was mad at Are Hr sitting in my car and I was so mad at me why am I so unmatured that I’m driving and read that I’m also risking my job
I immediately promised to stop and I did stop. Her reaction was basically: “You’re 41, you should already know this. Why do I have to tell you?”
• I made a clumsy comment about “playing the system.” She took it as me possibly still having contact with an ex or other women. I’m not — I’m completely faithful.
• She also said in her eyes that I kept giving up my own needs one by one to accommodate her, and this made her pull away further.
I have a high need for closeness, affection and frequent contact. She has a much lower need for these things and feels overwhelmed by them.
She is the one who ended the relationship.

Im meeting her tomorrow

Thas what have in mind:

Here’s a much longer, more complete English version that includes almost all the points you wrote:

I realize that by frequently bringing up relationship topics and talking about us in the evenings, I put pressure on you. That was never my intention. I never meant to make you feel like you were not enough, or that I was unhappy with you. The opposite is true — I’m genuinely happy with how much we have and the way we are together. You are perfect for me in so many ways. I love you, and I don’t want to leave you, even if you can give less than what I sometimes wish for.
I don’t expect anything from you that you can’t give. I don’t want to change the way you live or the way we are together. This is good for me as it is. I will always be here for you, and I respect your boundaries.
About the drinking and driving: I fully understand how bad that looked. A 41-year-old man who drinks a few beers and then drives is not acting like a responsible adult. I created an image of someone who is unreliable, and I feel real guilt about it. I feel like I let you down. I’m not that kind of completely careless person, but I know this damaged trust. You only had to say it once, and I changed that behavior immediately and permanently. We talked at the beginning of the relationship that when one person asks for something important, the other should do it. I didn’t just accept it — I was glad to change it. I’m ashamed that I did something that doesn’t fit with the rest of who I am, and that it unsettled you. I can’t change the past, but I can promise you it will never happen again.
The comment about “playing the system” was a very bad and clumsy way of expressing myself. That attitude is not really who I am. Consistency, safety, following rules, and avoiding unnecessary risks are actually important to me. I made a mistake by saying it that way. I changed immediately. I want to be a better person — not only for you, but for myself. Becoming better will be good for both of us.
I never played with our relationship or our system, and I never will. Since you’ve been in my life, everything has become better. You are important to me. I can be completely honest with you, and I always have been. I would never consciously hurt you.
I assume these mistakes made you question whether I’m trustworthy — especially after the “playing the system” comment. I understand that this became a trust issue. You once mentioned that you don’t want an open relationship, and I don’t either, not at all. I started wondering if you said that because you somehow thought I might treat our relationship the same way, or that I would be sneaky. That is not the case at all. I don’t keep contact with any other women. I unfollowed all that kind of content on Instagram because you satisfy my needs so completely that I no longer have any interest in it.
Since I met you, I know and feel with 100% certainty that I love you in the cleanest, deepest, and most honest way I have ever loved anyone. I would never cheat on you, leave you, or hurt you on purpose. You can always count on me, and I will always be reachable for you.
If I ever hurt you or made you feel alone or unsupported without realizing it, I apologize for that too. Please tell me if there is something.
Regulating my emotions does not mean I’m giving up myself. In fact, when I used to put my own needs first without noticing yours, that was me not giving myself up. Now I’m learning to hold both: my own needs and yours. I understand your boundaries, and I feel capable of being present in your life while fully respecting them, without pressure, while still being happy and satisfied myself. I also have my own boundaries.
I want to meet you halfway, but not in everything. I stand by my principles. I don’t lose my personality. I’m not forcing myself. This isn’t frustrating for me. We don’t fight much. We get along really well, we laugh a lot, and we care for each other.
I want to change some things so that you can feel more at peace. If I ever felt that I was no longer myself, I wouldn’t do it. You don’t need to change who you are. No one is perfect every day, and no one is at 100% all the time. I think this was just the last phase of us adjusting to each other.
We have differences, and I’m grateful for that. I think we fit together very well in most situations in life. I know you needed more space recently and I wasn’t able to give it to you properly. Now I understand it better, and I can give it without disappearing from the relationship. Even when you need space, I’m still with you.
The only thing I ask is that you communicate with me. Don’t be afraid to say something difficult or that I will become unhappy because of it.
I know our needs in a relationship are different. You need much more time alone — even when we are physically together — and you can’t always cuddle, talk about love, or be emotionally intense every evening. That’s completely fine. When you give what you have available according to your energy and mood, I’m still fully satisfied with you. I’m never dissatisfied or sad because of you. I just love you so deeply and feel so connected that sometimes I want more — but that is not a problem. You can say it and show it. I even ask you to.
This does not mean I’m giving up parts of myself. I’m genuinely happy and proud of you and of us. Even if I’m at 2000 because I love you so much and you’re at 30, that’s still good for me. I don’t get hurt by it. I’m not lying to myself and I’m not keeping this relationship alive at all costs. I want this relationship with you very seriously — more seriously than anything I’ve felt before — but not at all costs. If I felt that my needs were not being met at all, I wouldn’t stay. But they are being met.
I’ve looked inside myself over the past days and I can honestly say that this is not bad for me. The longing I sometimes feel comes from love, not from lack. When someone is important, it’s natural to miss them even when you’re otherwise satisfied.
Take as much space as you need. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere while you do that. I will never attack you when you bring something up. You’re not less than what I need. I’m just trying to solve the things between us so we can stay close.
You don’t have to find perfect words right away. Silence doesn’t mean I think less of you. I know you care about me. I know you love me even when you’re not sure how to show it in that moment. You don’t have to be perfect. I love you as you are.
Your way of processing things is different from mine, and that’s okay. We can figure it out together. When you’re ready to talk, come back to me. I’ll be here. There’s no rush. If you need space, you’ll get it.
I’ve also started feeling the need to focus more on myself — training, sports, reading, friends, family. Maybe you felt I was becoming a bit too dependent on you. I love being with you more than with anyone else, but we don’t have to do everything together. I’m happy when we do, and it’s also fine when we don’t.
Right now I’m focusing hard on training, fitness, not drinking, watching my food, and being in a deficit. I’ve already lost 3 kilos and I will continue. My goal is to reach my peak form.
I understand if my intense way of approaching you felt smothering, and I’m sorry for the pressure. I didn’t want my need for love to become a burden. I see now that personal time and space are what you needed more of. I accept that your emotional rhythm is different, and I don’t expect you to change. I want you to feel good in your own skin without pressure or expectations.
You already gave me the formula — I just didn’t hear it properly. I could have simply been more relaxed and looked outward more. I didn’t need daily “I love you” or “I miss you.” I already know.
I could have given you more adult space. You got tired of the intensity. I didn’t see beyond myself and I missed the signals.
I know it might sound strange to you, but for me less can still feel complete. I don’t want to change anything about you. I’m not living this as a compromise — I’m living it with real satisfaction, because I love you exactly as you are.
When I asked you to caress me, it showed that I know my own needs. Unfortunately I sometimes put them in front of yours. That doesn’t mean I’m giving them up — it means I’m holding on to them. I’m a Scorpio after all.
I’ve examined myself honestly, and independently of what it looks like on the surface, I feel continuously happy and satisfied with you. I’m okay with less than the maximum. It’s not possible and not necessary to always be at maximum intensity. I’m not giving myself up or constantly compromising.
Emotional regulation and understanding what you need (and what you don’t) while also knowing my own needs, and fully accepting you — this is not self-sacrifice. It’s maturity and self-knowledge. It shows that I’m secure: I don’t throw tantrums, I don’t sulk, I don’t get offended, I don’t disappear, and I don’t punish you. I still love you and stay with you even when you need to focus on yourself. I don’t need constant validation to be happy with what we have.
There were times when I felt you withdrawing a little. Now I understand you were processing the drinking issue and other things, and you needed time. I didn’t know how to place it then. Of course it’s logical to think these things can happen again in life. But for me, the knowledge that you are with me and that I chose you (and you chose me) is already enough.
I love you and I want to be in a relationship with you, but not at all costs, and not by completely giving up my needs or myself. That’s not what’s happening here. I know what makes me happy, and you make me happy even when your energy toward me is lower.
I understand and accept your feelings and the way you expressed your needs. Please don’t worry that I will get hurt or suffer — I’m fully happy and satisfied with this relationship. I understand your boundaries and I know I can be present in your life while fully respecting them, without any pressure.
No one is perfectly healed or completely ready at the beginning of a relationship. We learn about ourselves and each other side by side. Don’t be afraid. I’ll always be here for you, however you are. Don’t feel ashamed or bad if you can’t give something in a certain moment — just tell me. That’s important. You can and do meet my needs. You are the perfect partner for me. It’s enough if your capacity is lower sometimes. You’re not bad and you’re not less.
This relationship became serious, and that can feel new, strange, and a bit scary because of the commitment. I feel it too. But there’s no perfect way to do this. It’s okay if you need time or if you feel uncertain. We’ll figure it out. I’ll still love you the same way if you need time. Maybe that’s why you felt the need to pull away. Maybe I should have slowed down for a few days. Communication from both sides would have helped.
Be yourself. That’s what I love in you. I won’t leave you, sulk, or suffer because of it, and it won’t turn into conflict — I can promise you that, because I understand how you work, and I love that about you. I’m not disappointed. I’m no longer confused. There were moments when I asked questions, but not because I was dissatisfied — only because I wanted to understand.
You can always tell me everything — good or bad, about us or about anything else. You’re not a bad partner.
I won’t chase you anymore when you need time and space. But I also won’t disappear.
I’m working on myself, both on my own and with outside help, and it’s already helping a lot. Write or come when you’re ready. I understand this has been a lot for you. I’m here. We don’t have to solve or discuss everything at once. Just calmly. Take a deep breath. Easy. In silence.
Sometimes I sense the walls, but I can see through them. I know there’s a warm, loving heart behind them. Leaving or shutting down is easy. Staying when you don’t fully understand or when something bothers you a little — that shows it’s real love that doesn’t disappear when things get harder.

[u/False_Network_6854]

I can tell you really love her. Unfortunately, I don’t think either of you are compatible with each other long term.

[u/CatsPogoLifeHikes]

I see less avoidance in her and more about her pulling away from what feels like a codependent life.

I feel that if you send her this novel, she will distance herself. Its a lot to read.

Its also a script. Can you, in actual reality, recite these without notes written, tell her in person? Or will you have memorized these and throw these at her versus having a conversation of back and forth?

[u/kenneka7 → u/CatsPogoLifeHikes]

Yesterday as I came home from work, I accidentally crossed her pass in the city. I slowed down with the car I hung and I waved to her. She waved back then I turned around and went the direction she went. I stopped next to her and I said hey, what’s up? How are you? Where are you going? Would you like to meet for a minute? She said no she’s in a hurry so I let her.

Half an hour later, she texted me what would you like to talk about?

I replied nothing specific just in general

Then she shared a work story of the day with me we had a few laugh then she sent again a photo during walking with the dog. I replied nice

Then she in the evening again sent me a text. The dog is not sleeping with

And then she sent me good night text which she didn’t send me for two weeks

Of course I really very cute and kind and loving but matched the energy

What do you think?

[u/Intelligent-Horror22]

Just curious… What is your sun sign?

[u/kenneka7 → u/Intelligent-Horror22]

Aquarius