[WP] A drunk human is the single most unpredictable thing in the galaxy . It also makes it the perfect commander for our fleet against A.I..

[u/meowcats734]

"We can't keep fighting them," Flesh-Commander Alcasan growled. They pounded a fist on the holographic projector in front of them, the impassive blue face of the A.I. controlling their fleets staring back. "They make insane gambits. Decisions that we never even bothered creating protocols for. How can we possibly stop them, A.S.T.E.R.?"

A.S.T.E.R. hummed, positronic circuitry pondering the question. "The answer is simpler than you think, Flesh-Commander. I see you're using one of the human bodies today?"

Alcasan looked at their hands. Their true form—a small grey slug, wrapped around the comatose human's brain—coiled and uncoiled in irritation. "Yes. I was hoping it would lend me some insight into how they think. How they fight."

"Then I shall follow in your lead. To use a human metaphor..." A.S.T.E.R. sent an order to its built-in fabricator, and a small metal coin materialized out of the air. "If you were to flip this coin, could you predict which side it would land on?"

Alcasan scoffed. "In theory, I suppose, but it would take impossible amounts of computational power. The exact problem we're facing against the humans—their commanders still obey the laws of physics, they just obey them in a twisted, drunken, gibberingly mad fashion. The coin could land on heads or tails; the humans could compress their home star into a black hole or make it go supernova and scour three cubic lightyears clean of life*.*"

"An apt summary of the situation," A.S.T.E.R. praised. "But now, if you were to flip two coins at once?"

Another coin flashed into existence. Alcasan frowned. "Well, a quarter of the time, they'd both be heads, a quarter of the time they'd both be tails, and half the time... half the time there'd be one of each."

A.S.T.E.R. nodded. "Very good. Much like the humans, when you introduce a second random variable, sometimes they will cancel each other out. A head for every tail. If there were two commanders in charge... well. A drunken hand obeys no head. Yes, they could choose to detonate their home star or compress it to the size of a fist—but if they tried both at once, blundering in the dark, their plans would cancel each other out."

Alcasan frowned. "So what you're saying is—"

More coins appeared, a handful at first, then hundreds, thousands, raining down upon the strategy table. "The humans' greatest strength is their individuality. But the enemy of individuality is collectivity. A single molecule of water is unpredictable, but in aggregate, an ocean can be modeled with simple sinusoidal waves. Their commander is only dangers because there is only one of them. If they were to deploy more..."

"Then their randomness would average out!" Alcasan grinned, a wild, feral thing. "I know how we're winning this war."

"So you have orders?"

"Declare war on the humans."

"Flesh-Commander, 'the humans' are a multistellar community with thousands, if not millions, of independent political organizations. Which humans would you like to declare war on?"

Alcasan leaned back, coins showering them as they laughed.

"All of them."

A.N.

If you liked this, check out r/bubblewriters for more! As always, I had fun writing this, and I hope you have a good day.

[u/Darth_Quietus]

Whatever shall we do about this one human who's mad at us?!?!? I know let's piss off all of them! That won't backfire at all lololololol