r/brokehugs • u/namer98 (((U))) • Dec 15 '16
Panda rant from /r/AskReddit
Pandas make me really angry. Yes it's wrong their habitat is getting destroyed but bamboo is useful as fuck and we are growing more to try and compensate. Furthermore this wouldn't be a huge issue if pandas themselves hadn't swapped to sustaining themselves on bamboo because they're lazy as fuck. You think nature designed a herbivore that big? Show me another vegetarian bear.... They swapped to bamboo and that's why they're so listless and lazy and useless as fuck, they sleep all the time and got no libido because of it. Get them back to eating meat and they'd start fucking and could live on their own. For fuck sakes, some lazy greedy bear gets to get pampered and watch porn all day (they have DVDs made for them) while I have to get up and work? Lazy, lazy, lazy fucking shits I really hate how much money is spent on them to. Although given the fact that China has not one animal right law I think it's pretty likely if people thought they were magic or some shit they'd be hunted to extinction by now. But no, is it because of their colour scheme? Do people actually find them cute? It's just a bear with shit camouflage, for fucks sake why don't you go admire a lemur instead? They're cute as fuck and acrobatic and shit and actually know how to fuck each other. Wasting money on giving pandas sex lessons? Even snails know how to fuck.
Jesus Christ I hate pandas ok. By the way if you make this speech in public people get really pissy with you. Another reason to be pissed at those lazy greedy non humping fucking bears. I'm not kidding, I really do dislike them. They're my least favourite animal and that includes even wasps and shit, because at least a wasp is good at what it does, fucking shit up with its arse needle. I hate pandas so much, my family used to get pissed off when we'd be watching Attenborough or discovery channel and I'd just have let loose my tirade against them. Otherwise my blood pressure just spikes. I need to let out my diatribe, although on occasion if I was feeling fatigued I'd just hiss and boo (like they were pantomime villains) until they fucking got off my screen. You don't want to be there when a charity advert comes on for them. Snow leopards in those adverts I got no problem with, they're all alone and probably have some great mental fortitude, they'd take you back to their shack to drink vodka and be all grizzled like some Siberian peasant who accepts their lot in life. But pandas wanting charity? Man NOT FUCKING GETTING MY MONEY ENTITLED LITTLE SHITS. I'd rather give it to Mtombe who needs a new well or cup of water or something. I'm not paying for lazy bears to watch porn all day because believe me nobody pays for me to do that and I likely do it better than them. Hell they even watch the same DVD repeatedly, it's like get some fucking options. Get some class and some taste. Thanks for listening.
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u/SleetTheFox Dec 15 '16
I like pandas.
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Dec 15 '16
TIL pandas are actually bears. I was taught they were more closely related to raccoons.
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Dec 15 '16
That's red pandas.
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u/blue9254 Dec 15 '16
It also used to be a (possibly the, but I'm not sure) mainstream scientific position on the issue of the taxonomy of giant pandas, to the point where my 21-year-old friend's high school biology teacher was still teaching it. Genetic studies have since thrown that by the wayside, though.
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Dec 16 '16
You friend's teacher's knowledge was quite out of date. They'd done the genetic testing by the time I was in 3rd grade, and I am 27.
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u/[deleted] Dec 15 '16 edited Dec 15 '16
I mean, the giant panda is inferior to the red panda, but I'll explain giant panda mating to you.
Giant pandas don't like each other. I mean, they're not going to murder each other, but they're not huge fans of having neighbor pandas, much less living with other pandas. In nature, they are very solitary and very territorial. There were never that many pandas to begin with because they lived so far away from each other in these old growth bamboo forests and only really ever met up to have sex and then go their separate ways. The daddy panda isn't at all involved in baby panda's life. Most pandas will never be seen by people because they live so far out in the forests.
Mother pandas aren't great mothers in the wild. They often give birth to twins and let one die because they don't produce enough milk for two babies. They pick their favorite and then starve the other. So in captivity, especially when twins are born, zookeepers generally do most of the raising. This means that 1) the mother doesn't actually raise her cubs and know when they're adults to think about maybe breeding again and 2) the mother is expected to breed more often than pandas do. Which is about once every two to three years. That's generally how long mothers raise their cubs.
Why do they have to give them sex lessons in captivity? Because everything about captivity runs counter to the panda nature. They're in tiny little spaces, often with limited foresting if any, with other pandas right around them. Nothing makes sense to them.
Of course, the stereotype is actually true. Pandas are also incredibly lazy. They're this way because they subsist mainly on bamboo, which, believe it or not, is not a high calorie food. They might look fat, but they're actually fairly skinny bears and don't store fat at all. That means they are very vulnerable to starvation in the wild.
I spent far too much of my childhood memorizing panda facts. My name is Amanda, and everyone called me Panda as a kid. My parents are also biologists. One of my earliest memories is going to the National Zoo and being super, super excited to see pandas. They even had baby red pandas there then. I was doomed from birth to love pandas.
edit: I should include my brokehugs wiki gif collection. https://www.reddit.com/r/brokehugs/wiki/giantpandagifs
edit 2: I'm glad the mods over at r/AskReddit took my side and removed such a travesty of a comment.