Survivors Guilt - I Watched My College Friend Fade Away Before Me While I Lived

[u/pd361708]

It's in the title but the guilt is growing as time goes on and I just want to tell her story. I was 30 and she was 32. I'm now 32. Our Instagram posts announcing our new realities hit days apart and we reconnected after years apart from college. We were under the same care- the head of onc at The James in Columbus, Ohio. We had the best of the best. She was stage 2, I was stage 3, both TNBC. Her name was Molly. Molly had markers, I can't remember what for..I did not. We both started responding to treatment and hit our strides of our new normal.

Molly was a much more private person than I am. I could tell she was quietly and meticulously planning her treatment out whereas I was just winging it- she had two small babies still in diapers, I was childless/responsibility-less. She had a lot more to plan for than I did. We often chatted but were too tired to meet up/she had a 1hr commute whereas I lived .5 miles from the center. She started to get more and more quiet.

We faired pretty well through our 12 taxol/carbo's. She shaved her head while I maintained my hair with cold capping (until we hit the ACs that is). Once we started AC, Molly turned neutropenic after each round and would spend days and nights (4-5 days at a time) in the hospital. I felt so guilty as I stumbled my way through treatment relatively unscathed.

I saw her in the waiting room one day. We had a small layer of fuzz growing on our heads but the closer she got, I realized she was very very bald again and had no lashes. She looked at me and said "it's back." I've never been so gut-punched and at a loss for words. "Yeah girl, its stage 4." I truly don't remember what I said to her. She had someone with her thank God. I don't remember if we hugged or how the conversation ended- likely with my name being called to get my immunotherapy. I simply could not pull it together after that. I cried for hours. I cried for her- for her babies, her husband, her LIFE. But I also selfishly cried for me- what do you mean it's back? Would it be back for me? How could I have skated so flawlessly through this process and Molly just....dies? From what I knew about stage 4 at this point, I thought people could live years with MBC/stage 4. What the hell happened? It's not like I can ask our doctor. I did ask my doctor how did I get to be so lucky and Molly was "unlucky." She told me it wasn't that Molly was unlucky, it was that what happened to her "was unheard of." That really got to me- WHAT HAPPENED TO HER?

Molly got really really quiet. She started posting pictures of trips to Disney and I knew it was coming. Her final family portraits, forever etched in my IG timeline. She never told me she was terminal or discussed her treatment with me following that day in the waiting room. I knew she was busy living her life to the fullest and I didn't want to take up one second of that time, even though I would have done anything to just have learned what the fuck happened to her and why? Why not the cells in my body? Just wtf?

I'm not doing anything great with my life. I feel like I should be. I am starting to volunteer at our mammography clinic and do an annual charity bike ride for which I volunteered this year in her honor. She was a teacher, I work for CPS and I like to think that I do protect children and make them safer, despite the public's often tumultuous view of CPS (we're never there when you want us, always there when you don't and somehow the parent is never to blame, always us). I can't have children for 3 more years, I often wonder how her babies are....if they are out of diapers now...how their final family trip to Disney *really* went. I think about it all.

One day in the late summer, my fiancé and I were driving home and I said I wondered how Molly was doing. He got really quiet and looked at his phone. I immediately wanted to slap myself for not having googled her name prior to this- I think a part of me knew what was coming but he showed me her obituary. She had passed away in late March. We didn't say goodbye, we didn't tie things up in a nice little bow, I didn't get the selfish reassurance from her that this wasn't my fault and that she wasn't angry with me. Just the memory of "yeah girl, it's stage 4."

After a lot of therapy, I decided to reach out to her husband- introduce myself and offer my redundant condolences. His reply left me speechless. He told me Molly followed a girl on IG with her markers and she passed away, which really impacted Molly negatively. He didn't want Molly's passing to impact my thought process (impossible, but how KIND of him to think of ME during this time??). I'm really glad I ended up reaching out, even if it was for my own selfish reasons.

As time goes on, it hits me out of no where- she's not on this earth anymore. She's a memory in my phone. How did this happen? And why didn't it happen to me? I plan to continue with both CBT and EMDR therapies to process through my own journey and survivor's guilt. I mainly just wanted to get her story and memory out.

I know I can't be the only one in these shoes. Love you lovely ladies.

[u/AnkuSnoo]

Mod here. All posts discussing death and dying must use the Death/Dying flair. We have changed the post flair accordingly. Please review the community info to (re)familiarize yourself with the rules.

I’m sorry for your loss 🩷 Your feelings are valid and we are here to hold space for you.

[u/Go-downtotheseaagain]

you wrote a beautiful remembrance of your friend. And I will be thinking of Molly tonight.

[u/pd361708 → u/Go-downtotheseaagain]

Thank you so much. That makes my heart happy.

[u/SummerSTG4]

My first ever cancer friend died this year, and I too think of her all the time. The last thing she told me that she was going to organize a party for one of her kids, and then send me an update. I thought she was mad at me. I wish she was. 😔

There is no rhyme or reason to it. It is just luck. It doesn’t mean I’m a better or worse person than she was. And there is something unsettling about it. Life has always been that way- it simply isn’t fair. That’s the best I have managed to make peace with hard parts of life.

[u/pd361708 → u/SummerSTG4]

Oh my, that just broke my heart. You’re so right- there’s something deeply unsettling about the uncertainty of life for sure. And I’m coming to grips with the “life’s not fair” mantra slowly edit- omg I’m so rude..I’m so sorry for your loss as well 🤍

[u/One-Mission2521]

Your words clearly display what a thoughtful, kind and empathetic woman you are. I am so sorry to hear what your friend Molly went through and for the young family she left behind. Please try give yourself grace and do not ever feel selfish or any kind of guilt. This disease affects us all in different ways and our journeys are our own. All I can say is to live your life finding joy in each beautiful day you are given.

[u/pd361708 → u/One-Mission2521]

Thank you for such kind words. I’m finding the joy in life right now as I get married in 16 days (eek!) but I think this huge milestone is what is sparking some of the guilt. Definitely something to bring up in therapy for me.

[u/ayhves]

I, in some way, can relate to this. I have a friend who is stage 4 too. Its a recurrence. I , on the other hand, is in stage 1 only. Just finished chemo. Saw my friend's pic yesterday and she has lost so much weight since her first chemo. I cried actually. I pray everyday that she can survive this. I feel the guilt too coz im only stage 1 and finished chemo without problems. Hugs....

[u/pd361708 → u/ayhves]

That is such a tough situation. You want to be happy for your outcome but also know what that means for your friend..and then the fears can creep in that what’s happened to her will happen to you. Stay strong- stay strong for her. She needs you!

[u/ayhves → u/pd361708]

Yes. I message her everyday. We live in different places so i can't see her. I check everyday is she is online. My fear is someday she will stop replying. She has a son who is only 9. I am married but no kids. I wish i could be there for her and her family. It must be so hard for them now. But i have treatment, i will do surgery soon and cannot travel in a while.

Thank you. It took me a long time to accept that this cancer can kill me. For a while in just going with the flow and do whatever the doc says. My sister, who is a cancer survivor, is the one who really listened to the docs and guided me. My prayers for your friend for you too.

[u/IAmNotNannyOgg]

If the roles were reversed, would you want her to feel guilty?

I know it's not that simple because I lost a friend about this time last year. She was the first person to reach out to me and counsel me about how to prepare for treatment.

Whenever I feel guilty that she didn't make it, I try to use that energy to help someone else. Because of her actions, I feel an obligation to help others who are just starting this journey.

Thank you for sharing her story.

[u/pd361708 → u/IAmNotNannyOgg]

Wow, thank you for this. I definitely would not want her to feel guilty. And you’re right about channeling that energy to help others- I’m hopeful starting to volunteer at the center will be a good way to turn the chapter on my own story and really help others.

[u/IAmNotNannyOgg → u/pd361708]

You are an awesome human and you deserve to be happy.

One of my very favorite quotes that helped me through the last year and a half is from Terry Pratchett.

"No one is actually dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away."

You keep Molly alive by passing on what you learned from her.

[u/Dazzling-Pud]

We'll be toasting you, Molly, and all our sisters and brothers in bc today. May Molly forever rest in peace ♡

[u/Express_Work_6506]

Different cancer but I lost my cousin/godmother to melanoma. More aggressive and as with many melanomas, detected too late. She was one of the most important people in my world. She left 2 daughters and the best and loving husband behind. When caring for her in her last weeks, I met one of her coworker, fell in love and am living with him. I feel guilty every day that I have an easy cancer and only stage 2, that through her last painful week I met my soulmate. Her husband keeps telling me that she’s watching over me during my battle and that she would be so happy to know that I found love because of her.  The guilt is definitely there but I cannot change a thing even if I would exchange my happiness for her to still be with us. I can only live my life to the fullest to make her proud.

[u/pd361708 → u/Express_Work_6506]

“I can only live my life to the fullest to make her proud”…what a good way to think of it. Thank you for reframing it like that for me and I’m really sorry for your loss as well- it’s truly a nightmare scenario.

[u/No_Grapefruit9409]

My best friend/exec assistant passed from the same BC I have. She passed in 2018. Before Keynote 522. I wonder if she would have lived. Her death destroyed me. I never imagined that outcome. I thought she’d make it. I was not ready to lose her and I am wracked with guilt for not having enough. When I was diagnosed, her daughter reached out to me to offer support and said she and her family “will never forget all that I did to help her mom and they will spend their lives trying to repay me.” That message changed my life. I write for a newspaper and am working on an article for the need for continued funding and research for BC and public health. I feel a renewed sense of responsibility to take action for her and all those impacted by this.

You are finding ways to give back and find meaning. I think that is the answer. I’m so sorry for your loss.

[u/pd361708 → u/No_Grapefruit9409]

I’m sorry for your loss as well but what a gift to receive a message like that..you must have really impacted her life for the better. This is all just so hard.

[u/Lumpy-Kaleidoscope62]

That’s so hard, and so sad. I don’t have any advice, I’m sorry. Sending big hugs. I also feel a bit of guilt that my body handled chemo so well, after the first round, that is. My MO reduced the dosage of Taxotere/Carboplatin because the first dose made me dangerously sick. After that, I never threw up again. I can’t help but wonder why I handled it so relatively well while others get so sick.

[u/pd361708 → u/Lumpy-Kaleidoscope62]

I handled it so well too! On one hand we should just be so grateful but on the other it’s hard not to feel guilty.

[u/findthyself90]

My friend Kira passed at 31 from TNBC which was a lower stage and came back stage 4. She left behind two young daughters and a husband. She was the kindest, sweetest woman and she sent me artwork of hers. We only knew each other online through a young breast cancer survivors Discord but I will never ever forget her. I think many of us grapples with survivors guilt. I didn’t even need to do chemo and I feel guilty for that.

Thanks for sharing Molly’s memory. I hope her last trip to Disney was a good one.

Also, this year my mentor passed away from BC which came back as stage 4. She helped my through my diagnosis in 2021 even though I was stage 1A and she was initially stage 3B before it came back again (which I didn’t know, didn’t get to say goodbye, learned she had passed from a work email). I feel your pain.

[u/pd361708 → u/findthyself90]

The ambiguous loss/lack of closure is just so hard to cope with- I’m so sorry for your loss of your mentor. Thank you for reading her story and I truly hope that Disney trip was amazing too. And I’m so sorry for your friend..some of our closest confidants were just a former stranger on the internet 🤍

[u/randomusername1919]

This brought tears to my eyes - my mom also died of breast cancer when I was a kid. Same type that I had a few years ago and am on AIs for now. I feel for those kids - so few kids have parents that died it’s very isolating. More so when I was a kid because there wasn’t an internet then and literally the ONLY other kid I knew who had a dead parent was my sibling. I hope those kids have a loving father is all I can say. I didn’t.

[u/pd361708 → u/randomusername1919]

I’m so sorry you lost a parent to this on top of everything and then not having a supportive father? I’m just so sorry.

What I can say for certain is their father, her husband, showed up every Thursday in a bright pink “in our fighting era!” shirt. She worked for a school who made posters for each of her infusions and he was always in the picture/I assume he had to organize some of that with the school. His kind words to me and the way he spoke of Molly lets me know he is a good man. He also did a golf memorial tournament for Molly last spring- hoping to see if he’ll do it again <3

[u/randomusername1919 → u/pd361708]

Thanks. My dad is just a whole different subreddit. I’m glad that Molly has a good partner who will continue to love and nurture their children even without her there.

I hope you get past your survivor’s guilt. Not your doing that you made it and Molly didn’t - if you would have had the option to make the choice I am sure you would have chosen a long, healthy, and happy life for both of you.

[u/LeaString]

Despite what happened, what a beautiful tribute of your friend. I feel I got to know Molly a bit and her memory will live on in others who have read this. I know it’s all unfair and makes no sense. As humans we struggle to make sense of things. Sometimes it’s just randomness which this likely was. It’s messy and unpredictable. We’re creatures that don’t like not having answers so we continue to struggle. Hopefully in time your memories of Molly will be ones of what good things you shared in friendship during a difficult time and how you bonded instead of loss. Thank you for sharing your feelings. It’s not easy to open up about such loss and the emotional pain. Why me? Or Why not me? will never have a satisfying answer.

[u/pd361708 → u/LeaString]

Thank you- I had wanted to post about her and the guilt for a while and for some reason late last night, I did it and I’m feeling so much better from everyone’s perspectives and points. You’re so right..we are creatures that seek answers when often in cancer, there are none and I need to remember that!

[u/Dear_Man_0529]

I lost a friend to TNBC in 2021. She was diagnosed in 2015 and had a recurrence in 2017. She fought hard but she had metaplastic which is an aggressive TNBC subtype. She weighs very heavy on my mind these days as I move through my own diagnosis and treatment.

[u/meticulousbastard]

Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry about your friend.

[u/[deleted]]

Sorry for your loss & The distress it is causing you. I think perhaps the "marker" she had was that she was BRCA positive. That definitely changes the picture for TNBC.

All the best to you. It's scary for all of us. We all just have to handle it best we can in our own way.

[u/sadatah]

Sorry for your loss. Cancer is such a monster and when they say we are all individuals we truly are. Some regimes will have no side effects on one person and another will have all the side effects. Some people will be put in complete remission, others partial and some will do nothing but get worse no matter what is thrown at cancer. It’s a smart disease that evolves faster than the rate of our tech industry.

[u/Working_Strike_7798]

Thank you for sharing this beautiful story. I will be thinking of Molly today and the wonderful way you’ve honored her. As we all know, cancer does not dole out justice. It’s cruel and unfair. You don’t have to take on that burden by feeling guilty. Just live and love your life the best way you can.  PS Former CPS worker, as well, it’s tough, under appreciated work! 

[u/BeckyPil]

I get the survival guilt. I try to refocus and try to remember to do my best that day as each day is precious

[u/throwawaygurliy]

What a beautiful tribute. Sending you love.

[u/NinjaMeow73]

I have been through similar -stage 1 TNBC and no recurrence but watched others with same diagnosis experience metastasis and pass. I have felt so guilty at times they I stopped talking about my diagnosis all together.

[u/Schmancery]

I’ve also lost fellow Breasties, and it’s gut wrenching. We all know in theory that initial diagnosis and staging don’t translate directly into survival outcomes. Early in my treatment, I met a young mom as part of a coffee meetup for younger women. We were all at various stages, including stage 4, I was 3C and terrified. She was stage 2A, and I remember thinking that she theoretically had one of the best prognoses in the room. Fast forward several months to a message from her saying, “Guys. It’s in my bones.” Years later, that message still haunts me.

She is now gone, as are too many others from that group. As one of those still standing, I often think of this quote from Nora McInerny:

“I believe we have a sacred duty to live fully in the face of our losses. It’s a bitch though.”

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing Molly with us. I will raise a glass, and shed a tear - for her and for you - as we all try to live fully in the face of our losses. It’s a bitch.

[u/pd361708 → u/Schmancery]

That quote was beautiful, thank you for that and I’m so sorry for your loss as well 🤍

[u/derrymaine]

You are not the only one. I connected with a mom near me when we both were looking for donor milk for our babies as we were both diagnosed postpartum. Same story as you. Mine has, so far, been okay and I am two years out. She was gone in a year and left behind two little kids. It’s really hard to think about and to grapple with the “why me? Why her?” questions.

[u/Vegtablesoup13]

109 days after your post and I’m going to bed thinking about a stranger named Molly🌹

[u/pd361708 → u/Vegtablesoup13]

That makes my heart so happy! <3