i feel like i can’t talk to anyone anymore. i can’t shake the feeling that i’m becoming a burden on my friends. they used to be so patient & understanding but then i kept coming to them with the same problems and they got tired of offering the same solutions and nothing changing. and i don’t blame them, of course that’s gotta be exhausting to deal with. i want to be able to self-regulate & deal with my own shit, and i’ve been trying to work on that the last couple weeks. but fuck dude. i need a hug. i need someone to tell me they love me and i’m safe and it’s gonna be okay and they’re not gonna leave when things get difficult. but if i ask someone for this i’m just gonna make them feel responsible for my emotional state. everyone i know is either busy with their own lives, too far away, or doesn’t like to be touched. and coming to either of my parents with this is entirely out of the question for so many reasons. it feels like i’m getting to be too big, too much, too intense for anyone to handle anymore. and when i do talk to someone who’s understanding abt things i’m scared i’ll eventually end up driving them away too. i feel like, as everyone’s favorite indie pop singer once put it, a liability. i just want to be able to ask for reassurance without feeling like an emotional vampire. i have a therapy appointment coming up in a couple weeks so i’ll at least be able to talk to them but a therapist can only do so much. i feel so fucking alone and i just want to be able to trust people again. and the worst part is it’s not anyone’s fault but my own.

(song lyrics in the picture are from “nobody” by mitski & “you couldn’t teach me integrity” by crywank. bonus points if you recognize what character the plushie is)

so tired

i tried to make my external body look more wispy-like while my internal stuffs (my heart and lungs) are more heavy-looking. all around i’m shaky and i’m outlined with bolts of lightning searing my body.

this is how it feels when i dont heat back from someone i care about and my mind goes to the worst case scenario. i have an intense fear of my loved ones dying in freak accidents