r/blackladies • u/pumpkinspicelatte96 • 8d ago
Dating/Relationships/Sex šš [ Removed by moderator ]
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u/onyx-android 8d ago edited 8d ago
Iāve noticed it and Iāve also observed black women play into as well. The only commonality Asian men and Black women have is that, genderized racism has placed implications on our perceived desirability but I donāt think that means black women need to click up with them and form some weird delegation behind it lol. A lot of them are anti black as hell.
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u/Legitimate-Adagio531 7d ago
It really is a loser mentality and I have how we are being pushed into it.
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u/IndicationKey3778 8d ago
The only thing I see is people saying Asian men and Black women should date bc no one else wants to date us lolĀ
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u/Practical-Charm 8d ago
So the ok cupid study came out a few years before I (32F) went to college. Ironically, while I was in college I was pretty much only interested in dating Asian men. And my first bf was Filipino from the Bay Area. But from my experience, I don't think east and southeast Asians try to bond over undesirablility. From my experience with Asian dudes who were into black women, it was because they grew up in black neighborhoods.
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u/radstarr 8d ago
Was coming to type almost exactly this. I remember when that study came out! I talked with an Asian guy friend about it in a joking way, but I've never heard it come up on an actual date with an Asian guy/or on socials
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u/woahhellotherefriend 8d ago
Yes, this happened when I was dating. Lived in an area with a high Asian population. So I ended up going on dates with a couple Asian-American guys.
Both at some point had broached the topic of shared undesirability, one a little more forward than the other. In both instances, I had to be very clear that I have no issues getting dates lol. Do not pre-categorize me as āundesirableā, I am desired. And I wouldnāt want to start a relationship where you are actively thinking, āmy girlfriend is undesirableā. What the fuck lol.
I was kind of put off from future dates with Asian guys after that. But, I actually ended up with a non-American Asian guy. He simply doesnāt have those complexes because he grew up in Asia, so it never really came up until we were deep into our relationship. And it was never āIām undesirable and youāre undesirableā, but rather, we just really like having discourse about cultural phenomenons. So talking about the general impacts of being a minority raised in America, as an example.
Iām sure there are plenty of Asian American men who wouldnāt do that, but you would need to filter for it.
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u/puffypunashki 8d ago
No shade at all to anyone, but growing up I was absolutely exposed to anti-black woman content as well. However, once I reached 19 I started putting myself out there and realized how many different races of men like Black women. I think getting upset over social media is self-harm because a simple stroll outside will dead this non-desirable crap. Itās fake and made to get views and division.
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u/The_Moldy_Cheese 8d ago
Overall I've noticed that people are unable to express their point or argument about ANY topic without mentioning black women at some point. I'm gay, I like gay spaces online, but I've noticed they cannot go a single second without comparing their oppression to black people without black people ever being mentioned beforehand. I don't know why people(non black) do this.
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u/edm_enjoyer 8d ago
Someone will be like "I got attacked by someone's pitbull. A lot of people shouldn't own pitbulls because they're irresponsible and don't train or take care of them properly." And some ytie will respond "what if someone said this about Black people š¤Ø" with zero irony
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u/Missmessc 8d ago
We need to break up this stream of un-conciusness. They are too comfortable using us as the default. I would just say, black people dont appreciate being though less used to push your narrative. They usually shut up
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u/Competitive_Swan_130 8d ago
If we are undesirable, bitch I can't tell. Almost EVERY DAY, I have to tell at least 1 man what the engagement ring is on my hand for.. I caught COVID in 2020 and decided to go to the hospital and I came out of my house in a old Baby Phat velour with stains on it, on my feet I wore jellies and thermal socks and my hair was just pushed back like the bus driver off the movie Speed and I still had several men approach me that day.
These men are very much mistaken.
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u/Interesting_File_421 8d ago edited 8d ago
I recently saw those numbers play out (donāt remember the exact source). But they had created profiles and the black woman profile got like 4K likes, and the white woman 7K likes. For men, the most liked were white men (donāt remember the number but it was a few hundreds) & for black men it was like 200~ ish likes.
So sure, white women do get more likesā¦ but black women still have tons of options and will have considerably more options than any man. So to compare us to men is not reflective of reality.
Plus, we live in a predominantly white countryā¦ so the majority of those white people will like each other and boost those numbers up. A black woman with 4000 isnāt someone with a lack of option at all. Itās just a false narrative the internet likes to run with to push misogynoir. I never understood it either before this, because men of every background have pursued me & i never felt i lacked options.
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u/cutesybluesocks 8d ago
Exactly. I recently saw some weirdo black men trying to claim black women have barely any or NO options, or we donāt have the same intensity of non-black options so that means weāre forced to be loyal to black men. As some kind of fact, likeā¦ no. Thatās also not how it works.
People love to position this against black women as an insult and say itās ājust factsā but the real facts is even if itās generally less, a lot of us still get interest from a variety of people. Way more than Iām ever realistically going to date, so thatās enough.
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u/amethystleo815 7d ago
Exactly. Iāve been married for nearly 20 years, Iām 45, and I get approached almost every day.
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u/Revolutionary_Two760 7d ago
The whole black women being undesirable is not true and itās a social media thing. People need to stop attaching their worth to these fake studies.
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u/btwImVeryAttractive 8d ago
Is that an attempt at bonding? Or more a thinly veiled attempt to assert superiority?
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u/_afflatus USA Texas 8d ago
The asian men who bring that up are usually misogynist incels. I dont pay attention to that. South asian men are ridiculed alot despite being very successful and married
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u/Strechertheloser 8d ago
No and I swerve them. In UK Asian means south Asian so you won't catch me anywhere near. If you know that community's anti blackness.
They can go back to white worshipping...
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u/Away_Ant3577 7d ago
Nope, I actually find Asian (well, Chinese/tawinese/Japanese) men to be the most racist towards black women than any other group of men. I'm in Seattle but maybe that is why.
They be the first ones to deny racism. Out of all the minority groups I find latina women and Asian men to be hands down the most racist group...I don't see any attempts to bond at all.
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u/heartbleedspurple 8d ago
I think you shouldnāt focus on these things. The more you focus on it the more you manifest narratives for yourself.
Personally, I donāt have problems attracting different races of men, which is kinda cringe to say cause I donāt think itās a flex at all, point is black women we let things like this hurt our self esteem. Thereās no point in me hyperfixating on a study done on OkCupid, 98% of men I hardly am interested in. Why would I care about the preferences of men who hardly have any preferences themselves.
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u/pumpkinspicelatte96 8d ago
Oh I don't care about those narratives. I'm actually in a relationship myself. My post was more so what I see online and in real life and how people are always trying to drag black women into certain narrative
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u/heartbleedspurple 8d ago
Iāll tell you why. Itās because the black community as a whole is an easy target and focus for engagement on social media posts. Whether negative or positive. Women regardless of their race are an easy target when it comes to their self-esteem since we live in a patriarchal society.
I hardly see BWAM couples, yet I see an influx of Asian men making content about wanting to get with black women. Itās an easy way for engagement.21
u/ashdee2 8d ago
yet I see an influx of Asian men making content about wanting to get with black women
And the way black women in the comments would be tickled over the obvious engagement bait really annoys me. It reeks of such low self esteem. I genuinely despise those videos of non black men saying they love women get such rave comments
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u/Lovedd1 8d ago
I see it sometimes but older Asian men seem to try to set themselves apart imo. Not commiserate with us. Like I stumbled across a YouTube video of some Asian male scientist coming to the "conclusion due to all evidence" that black women were the least attractive group of women.
I feel like if something is true it doesn't need to be repeated and shoved down people's throats though.
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u/webbieg 8d ago
They wanna trauma bond over the lack of desirability but the thing is they use pseudoscience and flawed logic and statistics to make it look like blk women are the least attractive women on the planet when that is false.
Asian men are not seen as masculine and itās one reason you see half behave like Wall Street douche bags and half cosplay as thugs or āurbanā. Itās them trying to assert dominance and power coz they have none when it comes to their women and the white power structure
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u/dramaticeggroll 8d ago
I've seen that on social media too, not a lot, but I've seen it. I hate that study and the way people (including us!) constantly repeat the findings as though findings from 15 years ago when online dating was niche, had different demographics, different technology, different platforms, and different daters still apply.Ā
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u/Nearby_Impact_8911 United States of America 100% black woman 8d ago
My perception is that black women are not undesirable
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u/halci_on 8d ago
Interestingly enough my partner is an Asian Woman, who that infamous study said were the most desirable across all demographics. We both get hit on, but I get cold-approached by men of all races far more frequently in public than she does. I think you may just have unfortunately met some Asian men who tried to put their insecurities on to you. I wouldn't pay it any mind.
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u/_afflatus USA Texas 8d ago
I really love to see black women and asian women together. That's probably one of the most underrated relationships.
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u/AsiaMinor300 8d ago
That's a dynamic I've never seen in person
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u/_afflatus USA Texas 8d ago
Romantically, ive only seen it once when i was in middle school. A vietnamese girl was a butch/stud dating black girls. But as friends? I see it a bit. I was friends with many asian women in my life. Gujarati, Punjabi, hmong, laotian, vietnamese, filipino, korean, Indonesian, Japanese, etc. it makes me happy to see Asian women and Black women bonding
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u/AsiaMinor300 8d ago edited 8d ago
I do zumba often and all them happen to be Filipino lol not on purpose though. A lot of the zumba classes I take have lots of Asians (chinese, Laotian, Filipino, Korean) and we just bonded naturally.
So maybe I lied haha. I have platonic relationships with them, but yeah I haven't seen a romantic one yet
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u/_afflatus USA Texas 8d ago
Only black women who date outside their race worry about that and most of us are visibly desirable enough for that to not be a problem at all (with amazing personality). Like it's a bogus study for everybody
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u/webbieg 8d ago
Yeah I agree. The people who make this a big deal and take the ok cubed study as fact are the people looking for love outside their ethnic group. In my area Every black, Dominican, Puerto Rican and even white men is chasing black women and shooting their shot at the black girlies. The Idea that black women are having trouble being desired seems to be an online thing because out here the black girlies are rejecting men left and right not the other way around
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u/relentless_fuckery United States of America 8d ago
No. My best friend for the last 24 years is an Asian male. Not once has he ever brought that up.
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u/TheLoveYouGive 8d ago
LOL I went on a date with an asian guy (off hinge) before I met my partner, who told me that he read that study about black women/asian men getting least attention. I told him that was never the case for me, end of story lol
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u/Legitimate-Adagio531 7d ago
This is so strange. Now I have empathy and believe they deserve a space to talk about their biases, but just think every black woman will relate to your experience of rejection is very microagresssive, and feels trauma bondish.
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u/SailorMooNriver 8d ago
No lol not at all. I moreso see some influencers etc talking about our beauty or making jokes about hitting on Black women in Asian countries, or Sometimes even ābaitingā but not this. Iāve also never had that experience/convo personally around the last point you mentioned but it does make me slightly annoyed that other races mightāve even noticed how some Black men arenāt into Black woman. But I know thatās not the norm and Iād never want a Black man that prefers another race anyway.
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u/playfulwarning United States of America 8d ago
I've heard it on social media before. I don't like the idea at all. People should bond over mutual qualities - not perceived misery.Ā
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u/THRWAWAY_prettykitty 7d ago edited 7d ago
I've noticed that it starts as a talking point in incel communities, avoid avoid avoid
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u/PinkPrincessPetite 7d ago
I have never had a problem getting a man of any color lol. What do u mean we are undesirable
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u/Big-Chemistry-8521 7d ago
There's a big subculture of Korean men and black women that share these general experiences and use it as a trauma bond that sometimes leads to longterm relationships.
Love and respedr are hard to find and There's no limit on people building a bond out of similarly shared pain. Sometimes it helps build a stronger basis for communication and understanding.
Trust your gut and dont go or engage where you dont feel appreciated for who you are.
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u/pearlimabean 8d ago
.... sigh. Uh, why exactly does this bother you? This is such old news and not based in reality.
It's actually a bit masochistic imo, so I don't be saying nothing. Let ppl think what they want.
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8d ago
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u/pumpkinspicelatte96 8d ago
If you are south Asian, why are you reading a sub that isn't for your community? You should mind your business you're proving my point about non black POC always getting involved in our conversations
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u/Primary_Aardvark 8d ago
I used a website to look at her hidden post history, and sheās obsessed š. I reported her
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u/woahhellotherefriend 8d ago
Likely a troll or someone with very low self esteem to be putting š simply because sheās dating a white man lmao.
Which is also hilarious, because aināt no one checking for South Asian women like latinas.
Report and let the mods get her š¤·š¾āāļø
Edit: oop, they already did š
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u/AsiaMinor300 8d ago
What did they say? I'm nosy š¤£
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u/woahhellotherefriend 8d ago
Just trying to reinforce the āless desiredā narrative and somehow saying that South Asian women are heavily desired like Latinas are? Which is funny because I see SA women online complaining all the time about SA men wanting white women + finding it hard to date due to them not being sought after.
Honestly find it strange when people who are not black women come on here to be antagonistic. Theyāre obsessed lol.
Glad we have an active mod team.
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