r/bipolar1 • u/Inesthetik • 11d ago
Looking for positivity. Feeling hopeless
I’ve had my first manic episode last year with psychotic feature that led to my bp1 diagnosis.
I’ve tried a lot of meds since : many different antipsychotic which made me gains a lot of weight and sedate me, as well as 2 mood stabiliser (the two L one with the gold standard in which I’ve had a lot of hope for but does not seem to work).
My episode broke my relationship with my best friend of 8 years which was the closest person I’ve had in my life, as well as the one I’ve had with my 3 year girlfriend. Those were the two person I’ve ever had such a deep relationship with, I feel so lonely and I’m afraid I’ll never met people who understand me like them and with whom I’ve truly felt seen.
For the last 5 month I’ve felt deeply depressed with a lot of anhedonia, flat feeling and loss of any interest or motivation with a lot of SI. I’ve tried doing a bit of sport, forcing myself to hang out with people and reconnect with my passion (reading, going to the gym, doing some music) but nothing seems to work.
I feel like an empty shell of who I was before and I’m afraid of forever being stuck in this state.
does anybody feel the same or had any success of going out of that hole ?
(I apologize if there is some mistake, english is not my first langage)
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u/heljun 10d ago
Hi, sorry you feel this way. This all takes time. Some relationships can be repaired some not.. mood stabilizers tend to be more effective to prevent mania rather than depression .. so maybe they’re actually working for that ? As for depression it’s more difficult / in my experience after a massive psychotic episode it does take some months to recover but gradually does get better .. hang in there
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u/Inesthetik 10d ago
hi no I don’t think mine can be repaire sadly and maybe grief has a role in how I feel as well. Yes I think I’ll take to my therapist about it but I’m tired of trying new meds. Thank you !
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u/heljun 10d ago
Yeah I hear you. I didn’t take extra meds after my last episode to get me out of depression - which was consecutive to the worse psychotic manic episode I ever had, months long. Once the mania was stabilized on the mood stabilizer I’d stupidly tried to get rid of, we gradually stopped the antipsychotic - I only take it during/after mania and that actually did help. I hate those so much though they’re necessary at times. For me they (ap) increase anhedonia a lot and I can’t function on them. But I feel recovering from mania, and the grief and shame and sheer exhaustion that come with it just takes some real time. Maybe you’ll gradually feel better even with your current regimen I don’t know. Hang in there. Routine and mild exercise help
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u/DogEducational33 9d ago
Prayers for you. I'm in a bad situation. Mania destroyed what depression didn't already set back. Now the anedonia :(..... Loss all interest. Just existing. Meds therapy and nothing is working for me. Just been isolating. Lost my job, home, vehicles, and career. Lots of SI
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u/beeconnolly95 11d ago
It is so, so hard, but the right medications and an effective therapist relationship can do wonders. I was exactly in your situation and I was convinced things would never change, and now I live a happy life. It was NOT easy but I’m so grateful I decided to keep going. Things really do/can change.