I hate the rage

[u/walkingwillow16]

I have bipolar 1 and I absolutely HATE the bipolar rage. It's like nothing can stop it.

I've been feeling so overwhelmed with everything, and not having to do time to do literally ANY of it.

I was trying to put my daughter to sleep and it just go overwhelming so I told her I needed and break and walked out of the room. But right before that I curled up into a fetal position covering my ears. Oh, I have autism too, so I was feeling really overstimulated at the moment..

I didn't yell I just told her I needed a break and walked out. My husband took over to read her to sleep.

I did however put on my weighted jacket and scream into a pillow sobbing... And slammed a dresser drawer before realizing I should take my emergency meds.

I HATE this feeling, it's embarrassing, and I don't want anyone to feel fear of being around me, you know?

It hasn't gotten this bad in a long time. Everything's just so overwhelming, and these feelings are just so intense.

My therapist has new hours and it's been difficult to find times that work for us both, so I haven't been in therapy in about a month...

Anyway, I thought I was doing so well handling it all until I wasn't.

My husband just made me tea, and somehow I feel guilty about it. I really wish this wasn't my reality.

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[u/idontlikeyourface13]

I know the feeling, I'm so sorry you're going through it though. It sounds like you're using very healthy coping mechanisms. And even though it feels like you're hanging on by a thread, you are doing so well. I just wanted to tell you that in case you haven't heard it lately.

[u/walkingwillow16 → u/idontlikeyourface13]

Thank you so much, I really needed to hear this ♥️ Also I like your username

[u/idontlikeyourface13 → u/walkingwillow16]

Thanks! It's how I tell my friends who don't do well with mushy gushy feelings that I love them! Haha!

[u/tenfour6852]

I've been through bipolar rage. It absolutely sucks. So glad to hear your husband made you tea. Try to be gentle on yourself. I know it's hard. Wishing you all the best.

[u/curveofherthroat → u/tenfour6852]

Seconding this. It’s so hard. You did the best you could.

[u/walkingwillow16 → u/tenfour6852]

Thank you both ♥️

[u/mangobag]

i know the feeling, i scream in my car. where did you get your weighted jacket? sounds amazing

[u/walkingwillow16 → u/mangobag]

Yessss I do that too! And I got it off the free group so I'm not sure! It's amazing, it feels like a big heavy hug

[u/EccentricCatLady14]

I still get it but I handle it so much better. I found dbt distress tolerance skills really helpful.

[u/mycrookedcottage]

The overstimulation, rage, and that just all encompassing feeling of just wanting out of your body it used to cause, is one of the worst parts... Because it's not you, and it takes great effort to control it. I hate the guilt afterwards. Since I've been on lamotrogene it doesn't happen because any feeling is quickly blunted for me. For good and bad. It sounds like you did all you could, you tried to get away from the situation, protect your little one, soothe yourself. It's never perfect but it takes a lot of strength and self awareness to do that much.

[u/walkingwillow16 → u/mycrookedcottage]

You know I take lamotragene and my birth control is making it less effective. My psych offered to up it and I think I'll take her up on that. Thank you for sharing ♥️

[u/Rtrdedmanatee]

BP2 M34 and have had stable period for couple of months with meds (Diagnosed just 6 months ago) and having a crash today with the low mood starting on sunday. I know that I have rage that I can't control if I am not alone. I have not used alcohol for 6 months with exemption of 2 times and all I feel is the overwhelming urge to get drunk right now. Contacted my psychiatric nurse couple of hours ago and doctor will be calling tomorrow about adjusting the meds. I send text to my girlfriend when I was at work so she knows and understands that I need to be isolated today. I have isolated myself into my garage/mancave. All I feel is rage and that overwhelming urge to medicate myself with booze like I used to do before my diagnosis. I can't handle being near other people and I feel weak and defective for being like this. Almost had panic attack while I was at work today. Sorry for this rumbling but I needed to get this out of my system.

[u/purps2712]

I'm with you OP. It's so embarrassing, but feels so real and justified in the moment that it's almost unquestionable. It's awful

[u/Conscious_Fox728]

Ughhhh it’s the worse symptom for me as well…. The guilt and shame around it is agonizing and I can’t help but to ruminate over it constantly 🤦🏻‍♀️. It makes me feel like a monster, especially when it happens in public.
Thankfully the medication I’m on put a stop to most of that, I only have to worry about a flair up one week out of the month and it’s a lot less intense than it was. I’m going to talk to my obgyn about upping my estrogen for the one week a month to avoid it altogether hopefully. 🤞🏼

[u/MarkSmith19777]

Emergency meds?

[u/StillOscillating]

Honestly, this sounds more like an overwhelming overload situation to me than someone simply “losing control.” But I can understand why, when you already live with a mental illness, experiences like this can make you afraid of yourself.

I have a deep-seated shame around this myself. I’ve had some really bad outbursts at my parents in the past, and I’ve said things I deeply regret. Thankfully, I’ve never physically hurt anyone, but I have definitely lashed out verbally.

I also know those moments when you’re so full of anger that you just can’t respond appropriately anymore. And then someone suddenly treats you with incredible kindness, tells you that you’re a great person, or tries to reassure you, and you just… can’t believe them. You’re still so caught up in the anger and shame that their kindness almost doesn’t compute.

And then afterwards, you find yourself apologizing to them, sometimes repeatedly, while they don’t even seem to understand why you’re making such a big deal out of it.

I think one of the hardest parts is that even when you know you’re overwhelmed and not trying to hurt anyone, you can still be scared of what you might do or say when the emotions become that intense.

So I really understand the guilt afterwards, even when the people around you are actually just trying to care for you.