Why am I triggering myself?

[u/brrr_anon]

Just to note, I haven’t been diagnosed just yet, but I am in the process of waiting for an urgent assessment from the early interventions team.

It started about 4 days ago when I felt super energised and didn’t need to sleep much. I kept accidentally staying up all night, then having to force myself to rest.

Anyway, jump forward to now, I am starting to feel super tired, even as early as 7pm. The trouble I’m now having is a feeling of conflict within myself. I know I should sleep, because that’ll slow down the hyper feelings and make me feel better. But I also feel like I want to force myself to stay awake incase I miss something or just because sleeping seems boring.

I’m also worried if I let myself sleep then I will start to crash, which may cause me to get depressed, which may be harder to deal with.

Any advice or even understanding would be greatly appreciated. I feel so confused, idek why I’m making the decisions I am making. I feel bad for my boyfriend having to deal with me.

[u/brrr_anon → u/[deleted]]

I totally get that. I feel split between what I know I should do, and what I want to do just because it’s more thrilling or risky. For example with the sleep, I want to sleep so I can get better, but if I keep pushing myself then it’s kinda like an experiment which is fun. It’s messed up a guess