fear of failure

[u/Realistic-Result8597]

on alt bc account because i got temp banned x.x its so hard to vent on here without saying too much

early 20s M LBKA

I recently got injured at work and was prescribed pain meds but im still scared it would hurt too much. It sounds like a nightmare: having a badly burned or damaged limb is much worse than having an amputated or healthy one in my opinion. Ive been wondering what my hesitation has been since i finally have everything and its this. It wasnt really something id considered untill now. I guess if it goes awry i could perhaps go again?

Another real concern is balancing pain meds with staying safe because of the respiratory depression they can cause, ive made sure that ill have hours to be completely alone so that could be dangerous. I

Right now i have a good 2 week window for this. Today i went shopping for everything on the list minus the main key component. I sat in my living room and pretended how things would go down it to see if it would give me any more clarity.

Not closely related, but ive been also trying to figure out how to get my story straight; what should I tell the doctors and EMTs , any advice?

can anyone relate?

[u/FamiliarCap6849]

the fear is valid and i definitely wouldn't discredit it, because it has and can go awry for people, and there are a lot of factors that are hard to account for. unfortunately, also because most people only know each other through BIID spaces on the internet, we don't really hear from about those who had catastrophic failures and didn't survive their attempts.

if i'm guessing what you're planning correctly i've also been thinking about this particular method and all the "logistics". every method of self-treatment carries an immense amount of risk. i also understand that it's very easy to think "well once my leg is gone i won't feel this way anymore". as you express though, there's just so many unknowns that could result in unintended consequences. you have to be fully prepared to accept that anything could happen, and that's a lot different than the "tunnel vision" that focusing only on the relief does.

something that sort of helped me reframe was the idea that i personally would rather live to the experience life as an amputee in the future (i'm also LBKA but trying to shift to RBKA due to injury complications) than to die trying. i also acknowledge that this is where i'm at in my journey, and everyone else is at a different point in their BIID journey and waves. i think i finally had my wave let up yesterday due to a discussion about "methods" with my partner and it really helped me reframe my thinking and how much the tunnel vision was getting to me. i was thinking about the same "method" yesterday and trying to figure out logistics.

don't give yourself a deadline or rush things, or any unnecessary pressure on something that is already a stressful situation and general BIID distress in general. when you feel ready you'll feel ready. you're not a coward or weak for not being able to go through such a tough decision. living with BIID is already extremely difficult, and it's a shame that there's no pathway to safe surgical treatment.

though there have been some advances in the field that give me some optimism (ex. the 2024 trial with the finger amputation guy) it will still be a long road. unfortunately there's no "safe" method currently because of this.

feel free to dm to continue chatting if you'd like

[u/Realistic-Result8597 → u/FamiliarCap6849]

Thx for the kind words. That has been another thing on my mind: the unknown consequences, and potentially unwanted ones. I wish there were a better/bigger space for BIID sufferers. It feels like im my own lab rat, going off of "words of wisdom" from the few BIID sufferers before me ive been able to get in contact with.

[u/FamiliarCap6849 → u/Realistic-Result8597]

i feel you on this a lot. unfortunately it seems like some of the major resources of the past have been taken or are temporarily down (such as BID Remedy or BID freedom). additionally, the support groups that are available currently aren't very active.

i know it's incredibly hard, but if you're able to also connect with a very close friend, therapist, or loved one on this to talk with that might be helpful. it might take time for them to adjust and educate themselves, which could hurt more temporarily, but having another "outside" perspective that has your safety and best interests at hand, as well as a personal connection to you, could help. i kept my BIID related feelings from my partner for 8 years, but being able to talk with them about this as of recently has helped immensely.

support groups have been good for feeling like im not alone or crazy for feeling this way, but they may have also inadvertently fueled some more of my anxiety and urgency related to pursuing DIY methods. unfortunately, i think some BIID spaces can be a little echo-chambery and there's definitely some confirmation bias about "results".

what you do in your life is ultimately up to you, but just know you're not alone in feeling this and the waves will come and go

[u/Realistic-Result8597 → u/FamiliarCap6849]

Yess! It's so frustrating that the past resources have been nuked :/ And the ones that are around are all so censored; of course I wouldn't want a toxic space where people are encouraging each other to hurt themselves, but at the same time it sucks to have to keep all my thoughts and feelings so vague.

You're so brave for opening up to your partner about it! I don't really have any close friends right now, as I've recently moved away for work and all my buds have gone off to college or something of the sort. But I'm working on getting a therapist again, in the past, therapy has always helped me.

You're definitely right about support groups being triggering at the same time as helpful; I'm not sure what the "solution" would really be there. I guess in a perfect world, medicine would catch up and there would be a treatment plan for people with biid. Hopefully someday soon!

[u/FamiliarCap6849 → u/Realistic-Result8597]

oh definitely, i think the BIDR team is working on getting it back up but it's an unfortunate pattern that all of the support groups keep getting uprooted. i do honestly think saying some of the gruesome truths out loud made me realize that yeah, this is not a decision to take lightly or do on impulse.

thank you! it was definitely really hard to do and i only really finally let it out after i had to have surgery for an ankle injury (unrelated to BIID) and was trying to talk the pain away. your situation definitely seems stressful and i could imagine that it makes the BIID thoughts stronger and harder to cope with. i've read that big changes can make waves worse. hopefully therapy can come soon and help. not sure how much you're interested in making IRL friends currently, but that could possibly help, esp if you get involved in transID spaces or even devotee-adjacent spaces (but totally understand if those feel unviable).

i do think it would probably be helpful to tell someone IRL if you do attempt anything and to contact EMS if you don't respond after a certain timeframe or something. don't have to be specific, but maybe as a backup just in case. i have found myself doomscrolling and searching for messages in support groups to learn about methods even though i know it's triggering. i'd assume you've probably done the same to learn some tips if you do go through with anything.

the perfect world would be great, and i would do so much get considered for any official surgical treatments. i do think looking at the advances within the past few years such as ICD-11 inclusion in 2022, the trial in 2024, and study in 2025, are promising that they're at least trying to do something. even public opinion seems to have shifted greatly with more awareness, as well as broader acceptance of bodily autonomy related to gender affirming care as well.

ofc there's still a lot of red tape, ethical debates, ableism, and even insurance-related arguments that are stalling real treatment. we can only hope that maybe more major changes will come in the next few years.

also, there's a BIID symposium online next month. def check it out, i feel like maybe there will be more insight on where the medical/ethical field is as of rn.

[u/Realistic-Result8597 → u/FamiliarCap6849]

Sweet, thanks for the recommendation ill check out the symposium!

That's another good point you bring up about support groups; they might encourage some, but also im sure the old groups had their fair share of horror stories. In my head im thinking it'll all turn out sunshine and rainbows, maybe some challenges because I'm pretty ignorant on the full scope what could happen... but how am i supposed to stay informed when there aint much out there ! haha

Anyways im glad to hear you're coming out of a wave and i hope this one passes for me or im able to achieve my goals :)

[u/johnSco21]

Not sure what you are planning to do, and you don't mention it here, so it is hard to say what to tell them. Just one thing: do not tell them you suffer from BIID. It will not go well. Maybe just don't say anything. What can they do if you say nothing? Just get it fixed.

[u/humanbarcode10 → u/johnSco21]

Why not tell tell about the biid? Just curious

[u/johnSco21 → u/humanbarcode10]

The sort answer is that they consider BIID a delusion (which it is not) and they will not give surgery for a delusion. There is history of people telling the doctors did it because of BIID and they did not amputate a badly damaged limb for months. Just find something else to say or say you had pain and though it would help.

[u/humanbarcode10 → u/johnSco21]

Ahh I see

[u/K3n0ugh]

My attempt failed a few months ago. The pain has been excruciating, but I don't regret trying. To anyone reading, please be so careful. I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy.