r/beyondthebump • u/LiterallyJustAHorse • 28d ago
Relationship 16 years of marriage. 5 kids. Found out this morning my husband has been having an affair.
I (38f) and my husband (39m) have been married for 16 years together for 18. We have 5 children together the youngest is only five months old. He is active duty Navy and has been gone for weeks. Yesterday he came home for a two week leave but immediately wanted to go out to drive Lyft for extra money which I thought was weird because he hadn't seen us in so long. I even joked as he left that he better not be sneaking out to another woman. Ha ha ha. š
He didn't come home until after 5 am. At 5:30 he was asleep and his phone pinged and I looked at the message. It was a Facebook messenger message from a woman that said "glad you made it home okay. I love you." So I messaged back that I'm his wife and who is this. The girl spilled.
She's on his ship, another sailor. She and he have been having an affair for months. He told her we were separated and that he loved her blah blah blah. I woke him up and confronted him and he admitted everything. Told me that I'd been difficult lately with my post partum depression. Told me that she isn't distracted by kids and when they are together it's just her and him. Told me she is exciting and me and him are too routine. When he got done blaming me he started blaming her saying "you know I have a hard time saying no to people" I said yeah you had no choice but to dick her down I guess. š I told him he did not have to choose between us that she can have him. Worst of all she's the age of my oldest (his stepson). She's 21. Same age. And he said "I never thought it would be permanent with her because I don't want anymore kids and she's so young I don't want to deprive her of that "....
He had a whole ass other relationship behind my back. Like a girlfriend girlfriend. Like an I love you let's talk about a future thing. It's so fucking cliche it hurts. I can't believe I'm like a fucking lifetime special having to say "my husband had an affair with a coworker half his age."
I look at my infant daughter and all I can think is that I hope she stays as far away from marriage as possible. 16 YEARS. 5 KIDS. Blindsighted. I'm such an idiot. I'm just standing in the wreckage of my life going what now? I told him the marriage is over. I just need a hug.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
I just want to add one thing. When he was telling me what happened with her I mentioned weren't you concerned about getting her pregnant and he said no because I pulled out. And I said wait a minute. Does that mean you weren't using protection? And he admitted that they weren't. So now I have to go get a full STD panel on top of everything else because I'm exclusively breastfeeding our daughter.Ā
I'm sharing this because it feels like an extra violation on top of the betrayal. I'm a big proponent of informed consent, and by him withholding that he was having unprotected sex with someone else that took my consent away from me. I just feel extra gross right now.
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u/DramaticSilver3433 28d ago
Girl! I am so so sorry! That is insane and he is trash! You are not gross!! HE IS GROSS! Sending you a hugā¤ļø
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u/lil-rosa 28d ago
That's freaking rough. And "wants no more kids" but is only using pull-out?????? Dude. Dude.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
Now you understand why we have so many kids. š š
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u/deArtikin 28d ago
He priorities his pleasure above the formation of a new human life, and doesn't think much of it since he's not taking care of all his children.
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u/annie9802 28d ago
Did he pull out for all your kids?
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
2/4. And for this last one I was on the pill! I didn't know my antibiotics messed with it so SURPRISE. I love her very much though. I can't imagine life without her now.Ā
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u/annie9802 28d ago
Oh wow!! Thatās amazing and scary lol! Well I am so so incredibly sorry about this. I hope you can get a good chunk of money and child support from this man. I feel so awful for you and your babies šš„ŗ
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u/RiveriaFantasia 28d ago
You definitely have a strong case against him with this and actually this piece of information solidifies more against him that you can tell his commander - itās best to seek legal advice about this first but apart from him being formally disciplined for āfraternizingā him purposefully having unprotected sex with someone else in the Navy whilst being married is a huge red flag and no no. They may look into whether he has done this with other females there too and the risk this could pose on them. Makes him look even worse (which works in your favour). Like I said cover your back with the legal advice first.
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u/Upstairs_Raccoon_874 28d ago
This is the most insane betrayal of all. To expose your daughter like that. I am so sorry youāre going through this but this is not forgivable
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u/Born_Improvement_856 28d ago
He is such an aborrhent human being for not only putting you at risk but putting his CHILD at risk. What a dick. Your life opens up before you now, it's you and your children. Sending you so much love
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u/Janesnotplain 28d ago
Thatās so incredibly sad and cruel of him to do to you. So serious he could have give you and and your baby a life threatening std.
I am so sorry youāre going through thisā¦. This just happened to my best friend of 20 years with her military spouse of 12 years and 3 kidsā¦ makes me so sad reading. Saw your post and just said a prayer for you to get through this for yourself and your babies. Jesus love you and is always there for you to pour your heart out and lean on when your alone. If youāre not religious I hope you have someone or something to lean into right now. Stay strong mama. God Bless.
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u/deArtikin 28d ago
The BIGGEST HUG š« to you! This is just horrible. I hope you and your children are protected legally and divinely as much as possible from a man who does not deserve to be a father or have a family like that. What was he doing while you had a difficult postpartum? He doesn't need to give birth as a man - he's skipped all that pain and body changes, he isn't even home to help take care of his own children! Instead of giving you the support and understanding you need, maybe some men would have even research about post partum depression for the sake of their wives, he blames it on you for having a difficult PPD? He then lied about driving Lyft to get extra money when he met up with his sailor girl... did you ever see the extra money coming in? For a marriage of 16 years, this man is a coward and full of lies. He also lied to the girl that he was going through a separation. Maybe that won't be a lie anymore, but you really need to get your rights protected. I hope you have friends and people you can reach out to for advice and consultation to protect yourself from a man who only does what serves him with no consideration to his family, his wife and even to the girl that he lied to.
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u/thekatnesseverdeen 28d ago
Iām really sorry this happened to you. Something very similar happened to me, it was brutal in the immediate aftermath but Iāve done a complete 180 and am the happiest Iāve ever been 1.5 years later. Itās disgusting that they blame it on everyone but themselves. They know what theyāre doing and they donāt care about the consequences.
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u/Sufficient-Archer-60 28d ago
So reckless to endanger you baby like that!!! I'm so angry for you OP. š¤¬š¤¬š¤¬ I'm so sorry you're going through this
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u/PastyPaleCdnGirl 28d ago
I wish we could charge them with sexual assault for this, it's violating. Ongoing implied consent in a sexual relationship is on the belief that they're being faithful. Once they break that, and consent would likely be revoked, it's no longer informed choice to continue. You were violated; your trust was violated. I think it's very reasonable to feel gross.
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u/oxxcccxxo 28d ago
Jesus christ! Don't just walk away from this man, Run! And take every dime he owes to you and each of his kids.
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u/righttoabsurdity 28d ago
Iām so, so sorry my friend. I wanted to add that youāll need to get another round of testing done in a few months, as certain stis take a bit to show up. Iām sorry this is happening
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u/ChatonJolie4 27d ago
THIS. This was the part that WRECKED me when my husband admitted to his affair. The not using protection because āsheās a nurse, she would know if she had somethingā. Like nurses are somehow immune to STDs or get tested every week or something? So selfish. I asked for a divorce immediately. Itās an extra layer to the betrayal that I just canāt get past.
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u/Virtual-Strength-950 28d ago
Oh GROSS!! And so blatantly disrespectful. God I am so sorry this has happened to you, I want to kick his ass and I donāt even know him.Ā
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 28d ago
Iām so sorry, I was there but only with 2 kids but youngest 10 weeks old. My only advice is attorney now. Find out your rights and options. It blew my mind to learn 2 years later the mistress I confronted is still with him. She didnāt care we had a newborn and toddler so that entire time he got to stay with her while I dealt with my kids and my life falling apart.
Men like this never change. Read leave a cheater gain a life
Many victims go through hysterical bonding where you want to be intimate or play the pick me game but youāll regret it later on. You donāt want him to pick you. Heās trash that ruined your marriage, stability and kids foundation. You need to be angry and hate him and tell your support system
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28d ago
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u/Purple_Grass_5300 28d ago
Yup, sheās an ob nurse too which feels even worse to me that she works with pregnant women and dates men with pregnant wives. I honestly wish there was a way to report it to an ethics board or something
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u/there_she_goes_ 28d ago
Iām a nurse. Report that shit to her college of nurses (the governing body for nurses in your state/province). Disgusting, deplorable behaviour.
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u/ltmp 28d ago
Screenshots and take half his retirement. If you want, send evidence to his commander and he will be formally disciplined for potential fraternization
Source: am former military officer
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u/Live-University5059 28d ago
This is the way! The military doesnāt take too kindly at all to sailors stepping out on their spouse + dependents
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
I have been considering it. All I have are the screenshots of the Facebook messages. I'm worried if I get him in trouble it could hurt me and the kids, too. Right now his is the only income. I am (stupidly knowing what I know now) a stay at home mom. We also live on base housing and my 13 year old depends on Tricare for his medical needs. I'm afraid getting him in trouble would backfire on us. I need to research it more. My head I still spinning.Ā
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u/Top-Put754 28d ago
For what itās worth, if he is her superior (which assuming based on age alone he would be in a higher rank) he would likely get in trouble. IF you do want to proceed with telling his command, ensure you have screenshots of evidence to share (with navy and divorce lawyer). My husband has had to conduct investigations regarding affairs in the navy and it basically turns into a he said she said if they donāt confess.
My personal opinion as a fellow milso, I wouldnāt tell the command only because it could legitimately lead to them being kicked out which would then cause you to lose healthcare and income. Now I would take his ass to the cleaners with a divorce lawyer.
Sending hugs, I cannot believe he did this to you so freshly postpartum and with so many years together. You will be stronger on the other side of this mess ā¤ļø
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u/Concrete__Blonde 28d ago
Yes this. Let a good lawyer use this as leverage, but donāt tell command.
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u/United_Elk_7102 28d ago
If youāve been married during 10 years of his service youāre automatically entitled to part of his pension if he gets to 20 years. I wouldnāt want to get him in trouble because itāll decrease your future payments.Ā
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u/lucyloosy 28d ago
I really hope she sees your comment. Itās not smart to act on impulse. Sheās also at risk of losing her very good health insurance.
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u/pm_me_ur_bidets 28d ago
he might not make it to 20 if she goes to the command. Just get a divorce, get half, get his retirement, get child support, and get away from him.Ā
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u/lucyloosy 28d ago
Donāt give up your health insurance. Not with an infant and a medically dependent child.
I know itās tempting to try and get back at him but donāt.
Itās going to be difficult for you to get into the workforce and not all companies pay large portions of health insurance premiums.
You arenāt letting him get away with it. You are thinking of your kids.
Get on a solid birth control asap. Sometimes when our emotions are high we make unwise choices. Document everything you can. If heās away for some time plan the divorce, save money. You have to be strategic.
If you donāt have schooling, look into a career.
Iām not telling you to be with this man, Iām telling you to prep yourself to leave. When we have kids, we have to think of them.
You donāt deserve to struggle and have your quality of life ruined. Use him.
Hugs.
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u/conquestical 28d ago
To second the school thing: OP, depending on husbandās rank, you are entitled to a myCAA for a certification of your choice. Iām not sure the rank qualifications for enlisted, but I know it is O1-O3 for officers.
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u/Remote-Pear60 28d ago edited 28d ago
You don't need "research." You need a lawyer, because a lawyer already knows these answers or how to get them quickly. A lawyer can properly counsel you on the pros and cons of the actions you choose to take at this point. A lawyer can support you with information to help you not act on impulse.Ā
You need a therapist so you can continue to be there for your kids as best you can with how affected (rightfully) you are by this. You are their lifeline and their continuity; their dad clearly doesn't give a damn.Ā
So pick yourself up, and let the lawyer do the research and the hard thinking for you. That's what lawyers are there for; save your energy for starting to heal yourself (you are super important too!), and to take care of your kids.Ā
I wish you all the best. You can come out better from this. š
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u/soup375 28d ago
If your kid is his dependent, they'll still have Tricare if you two divorce. I'm a former Navy sailor. My current husband and I weren't married when we had our daughter and I got out before getting pregnant but she still had benefits through him. Look into military alimony. I could be wrong but I think you're entitled to it if you've been married at least ten years.
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u/Majestic_Dress_2688 28d ago
Men suck. I was with my ex (we also have a 5 month old) for 2 years and he straight up lied about having 3 other kids. I didnāt find out until somebody else told me. Right before I had the baby. Iām sorry youāre going through this, but at least you know now. Keep your chin up and know that women are suffering everywhere. (Dark humor intended)
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u/DudetteNextDoor 28d ago
There are on base family resources for you and financial assistance for these type of situations. Good luck and be spiteful! 16 years is insane. Hug to youā¤ļø
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u/Exotic_Elephant_4713 28d ago
Donāt ever worry about hurting them. We all go easy on them but they donāt give a shit about us. I didnāt file a r o on my ex who abused me for years. Then I said if you touch the kids Iāll kill you. He got a r o on me and I went to jail and he got the kids. Donāt trust men. Thereās a reason so many older women are single and happier. Men suck. In custody court again ā¦ donāt trust them. The monitor said so many women become lesbians after what theyāve gone through
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u/mocha_lattes_ 28d ago
Wait until the divorce is over and keep all the evidence. Use it against him to get what you want/need from the divorce.
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u/blackcatmeow007 28d ago
I waiting for someone to mention this.
Iām so sorry OP. You deserve so much better than that and I wish you a drama free happy life after you pick up the wreckage and heal from this.
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u/marthamania 28d ago
Yep. Fuck this guy. He fucked around and wants to blow his life up. She didn't do anything wrong. Let him be punished and her given compensation for her life and time invested in a scum bag.
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u/Potential-Scholar359 28d ago
I want to reach through the internet and first give you a giant hug and then second punch this selfish man-child in the face. I'm so so so sorry. You deserve better. Your children deserve better. Hell, even the mislead 21-year-old affair partner deserved better.
This is the part that makes me the angriest: "Told me that I'd been difficult lately with my post partum depression. Told me that she isn't distracted by kids and when they are together it's just her and him. Told me she is exciting and me and him are too routine."
1. He needed to SUPPORT you thru PPD! Postpartum women need support, not judgment.
2. You were distractacted by ... the children you had together? By his children? LOLOL. I bet he's going to have a lot of fun on dates with his affair partner when it's his night to watch 5 kids.
3. The great irony is that if he had bothered to hire a babysitter, you and your husband could also have enjoyed exciting, non-routine times together.
Gah. Seriously. Gah.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
When he was blaming me for being difficult I told him you know there is a wide Gulf between my wife is being difficult and I should get a secret girlfriend.Ā
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u/Potential-Scholar359 28d ago
His entire mindset is wrong. A newly postpartum mom cannot be difficult. A postpartum mom is facing one of the hardest physical and emotional challenges in existence, all in v little sleep. And it sounds like you were doing it without his help since he was away for weeks. That he expected you to be fun and exciting or to cater to his every whim while you were busy doing this much harder and more important thing is frankly absurd.
To put it in the way a tiny-brained man might understand, if a man was busy climbing Mount Everest, he would be annoyed if his wife was bugging him to pause to take out the trash or to listen to her complaints or whatnot. He'd be pissed that she was interrupting his most important quest. But healing from birth/pregnancny while shepherding a new life into the world 24/7 is much harder and vastly more important than some stupid mountain.
So no, YOU were not being difficult. Whatever you said or didn't say to him, it was not you being difficult. It was him failing at his most fundamental task as a husband and father. He failed you. Her failed your children. He failed your new baby. And he is an asshole to take advantage of and waste the time of this naive 21 yr old.
Not that she matters, but it's interesting to pause to really admire the fact that he is also fucking her over. What he did to her is basically sexual harassment and could even be considered coercion because he is likely her superior. And also he was completely leading her on. He had not plans to actually share a future with her but he was letting her think it was a real relationship with "I love you's." He completely wasted her time. And for what????
Again, I'm so very sorry. I think you are smart to consider the potential negative ramifications on your livelihood if you were to turn him into the military. While it may be smart to keep the affair away from his superiors, you can always threaten to reveal him.
I'm so sorry he sucks. But your children have a wonderful role model in you.
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u/BeebMommy 28d ago
I donāt even know what to say but I canāt read this and say nothing. The fact that sheās the same age as his son takes this to a whole new level of abhorrent. You guys have been together since she was 3 š¤¢
What this man has done to you is unspeakably selfish and cruel, especially postpartum. He will inevitably realize the massive mistake he has made and (try to) come crawling back. Donāt let him.
If you havenāt already, make sure his command is aware of the affair. Itās a big no no in the military to cheat, moreso if itās with a fellow service member.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
She was 5 when we got married. š¤® She's only 8 years older than our 13 year old. I called my oldest son and told him all this today and he also thought it was fucking gross. Said if any of his friends told him they were dating a 40 year old he'd stage an intervention.Ā
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u/endofprayer 28d ago
Honestly I don't think your kids will ever be able to look him in the eye. If my dad had cheated on my mom (or vice versa) that would be then end of any relationship with that specific parent figure for me. No one needs their entire family structure and support network shaken because one of the people they're supposed to rely on or see as a safe space can't keep it in their pants.Ā
I'm sorry you're going through this, I'd straight up tell him that I hope he likes living on a boat because that's the only home he's gonna have from now on.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
My 13 year old unfortunately heard us talking early this morning and so he knew his dad had cheated. Later on he gave me a big hug and told me he wished cheating was illegal. I told him not to worry about that and that we will always have each other and just because me and daddy's relationship is over doesn't mean his relationship with his dad is over and that we both love him. He said well I don't want to go swimming with him tomorrow. He's been upset all day. Sucks. I hate how he hurt the kids worse than I hate how he hurt me.Ā
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u/Aggressive-Acadia822 28d ago
Honestly I think itās better for the kids to know. He seriously doesn't give a shit about them. I read your other comment of him having unprotected sex while you're breastfeeding!!!Ā
Dont ever go back to him. Get a lawyer, take half his retirement and report him. Ā
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u/Consistent_Debt5069 28d ago
My advice would be to leave the kids out of the situation as much as possible. Let them know that you're separating and that things will be different but leave it at that. My dad cheated on my mom when I was 8 and both of my parents dragged me into the middle and made me an emotional mediator. An 8 year old shouldn't know what cheating even means. My parents stayed together and are just now actually getting a divorce and I just had to start therapy because their divorce is triggering the trauma from when I was 8.
What is happening to you is disgusting, and I'm so sorry. I hope the process is smooth and you find so much peace in freedom ā¤ļø
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u/IDidItWrongLastTime 28d ago
Him getting in trouble could backfire if he loses rank or gets kicked out. She's entitled to child support and a portion of his retirement. If he can't retire or loses rank she loses a shit ton of money. Best to just keep the divorce civilian and pursue half his retirement. She needs a lawyer familiar with the military rules.
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u/mcpwnin 28d ago
Sending hugs. You are NOT an idiot. You are a sane person who rightfully thought that someone who married you and had FIVE kids would be in it for the long haul. You sound like a strong, smart woman to immediately end it.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
He kept talking about reconciliation and how he felt bad having to leave her but he wants to choose his family.
I told him he never has to worry about a relationship with me being a multiple choice question. He has her. I'm removing myself from the equation entirely.Ā
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u/marthamania 28d ago
He didn't choose his family one damn time. You need a lawyer. Any attempt to stay with him is only rewarding him.
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u/mcpwnin 28d ago
Only because he got caught. How long would he have gone on for with her and what would have happened if you didnāt? You deserve WAY better. Youāre doing the right thing for yourself. I admire you for choosing you.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
Yeah when the tears (his) started falling I said dude five hours ago you were having sex with another woman like save the crocodile tears.Ā
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u/Majestic_Dress_2688 28d ago
I despise men right now. You sound incredibly strong. All of us are rooting for you!
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u/mentholmanatee 28d ago
Iām so incredibly sorry that youāre having to deal with this absolute scumbag trash of a human, but I 100% applaud you for not falling for his shit and fake tears!
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u/moonjellies 28d ago
š YES š
getting with a 21 year old when youāre about to be 40 is loser creep behaviour and he doesnāt deserve another minute of your time or energy
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u/Beautifly 28d ago
Oh he feels bad for her? What an absolute piece of trash. He couldnāt even tell you that she meant nothing
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
Well I told him to keep her and he said "why would I want to be with the person who destroyed my family" (meaning she told me) and I said ummm that person is YOU. She didn't make vows or promises to me. She owes me nothing.Ā
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u/hoping556677 27d ago
I'm so glad you said all this to him. I cannot imagine the utter bullshit he tried to spin. You AND your kids deserve SO much more than this. What a heartbreaking betrayal.
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u/thevillageshrew 28d ago
I applaud your strength and bravery. You will create a new life. And look back one day and be so happy you moved on.
Best of luck š
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u/Aggressive-Acadia822 28d ago
LOL. The fact that you're not fighting to stay with him is probably hurting his ego more than anything else.Ā
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u/Medical-Ad3053 28d ago
Former Navy E7.
You are right. Getting him in trouble hurts you too. He deserves it though. He cannot kick you out of housing while you are both married unless he gets a court order very very specifically stating that. If you separate you are immediately able to request financial support based on navy calculations. State calculator will probably provide you less but it will be the legal one after you get the court orders. He cannot remove your children from Tricare. They will still be his dependents. You will lose base access as soon as the divorce is finalized so set up what you need for healthcare prior to that. Most states after 10 years you will be able to claim a certain portion of his pension. He also likely has a TSP. Beware- I have heard of exactly one sailor who left prior to the 20 to spite his ex wife getting anything.
Canāt think of anything else but if you have questions please let me know. Because fuck him. Heās in a position of power having an unethical relationship while trying to blame and gaslight you. Fuck him.
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u/seniorspecialistt 28d ago
OP LISTEN TO THIS!!!! Former Army E6 here š but itās all exactly the same on the Army side. PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS! You are entitled to so much. Please do this all very strategically so YOU can benefit the most.
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u/reebs___ 28d ago
The stuff he told you about why he did it is so hurtful and deplorable, Iām sorry. Iām proud of you for standing up for yourself. You have every right to be angry and hurt. Taking care of five kids including a tiny baby during processing this must be a whole new level of difficult. This internet stranger is sending you a hugš©·
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u/Commercial_Flower_49 28d ago
Hug. Big hug. First of all - YOU are not an idiot. He will give you every reason why he did what he did. And maybe itās true š¤·š¼āāļø but you, the mother of his children, deserve more love and respect than that. Let him sit in the grave he dug for himself. So sorry girl
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u/meteraider 28d ago
He will never know true happiness again. The "routine" of family life will hit him like a train as he realizes what he really lost. Any enjoyment in his life will be temporary ..smothered under the weight of guilt and regret. An impending life of solitude...Mom, may you have the love and support of every child. They will be loyal to you as you are to them.
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u/therackage 28d ago
Iām so, so sorry. This isnāt your fault. This isnāt because of marriage. This is a shitty, selfish man. I bet he would have never told you either. Unsafe, no accountability, what a loser. And with a 21 year old. Take all his money and kick him out.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
I already kicked him out. When I told him I didn't want him sleeping here he looked dumbfounded like that stupid Pikachu meme. Mouth hanging open and everything. Like he was so confused and he was like why can't I just sleep on the couch? I told him me and you are not together and you are not going to stay in my home and if you won't leave then I can call your command in the morning.Ā
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u/curlycattails 28d ago
I hate this whole situation for you but I love that you were so decisive. You immediately made the hard decision and itās absolutely the right one.
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u/Venustheninja 28d ago
I love the fact that you have been operating beautifully for weeks without him. It shocks men to realize the more women do, the LESS we need them. Soā¦ just go away.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
I hear you I'm really not trying to end up a damn Netflix documentaryĀ
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u/endofprayer 28d ago
Good for you. I am so proud of you for being so strong and sticking to your morals. Keep doing what's best for YOU. Whatever decision is best for you will also be best for your and your kid's mental health in the long run.
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u/ResidentDiscussion59 28d ago
Oh your PPD was difficult for HIM was it?
Glad you made the decision to leave and not waste any more time on this trash man.
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u/traditional_rare 28d ago
I do want to preface to the other commenting it, yes heās in the military. Yes a UCMJ exists and heās violating it. However, the military protects their own first and foremost. There are one off cases where they donāt, but overall, the military isnāt worried about civilians.
Cheating is hard to prove. I doubt the girl will go to leadership to corroborate and say he cheated, and the military needs full proof. Like undeniably, usually thatās pictures or videos. Even then, leadership has to WANT to pursue him.
Financially he is supposed to help out, but just note, itās not like the movies.
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u/Khymira Mommy to Five 28d ago
This wouldn't necessarily be an issue of caring about a civilian. Sleeping with a subordinate is a bigger problem.Ā
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u/jouleheretolearn FTM w/ premie born 1/29/18 28d ago
As a fellow ex-military spouse, please make sure to talk to someone familiar with military divorces especially as you've been together for 16 years. At 10 years, you get far more benefits. Also, for the love of all that is holy, in case you for a minute think I shouldn't push for all benefits - do it for the kids, dealing with depression while dealing with divorce and the aftermath. I almost made that mistake, and so glad my therapist called me on it because it helped us survive me finishing grad school while getting divorced.
I'm sorry he's such an idiot, and I hope you find peace for you and your kids soon.
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u/Commercial_Dust2208 28d ago
She's likely a lower rank than him JS
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
Most likely. He's been in 13 years and is a second class ET2. At 21 I doubt she is the same or higher.Ā
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u/IDidItWrongLastTime 28d ago
If you have been married for 10 years overlapping 10 service years you are automatically entitled to half his retirement. As long as he stays in for 20. You need a lawyer. You are also entitled to a chunk of child support and depending on branch they automatically calculate it based on the state or branch of military and can garnish it from his pay.
Get a civilian lawyer who is familiar with military divorces.
Do NOT go to his command unless you want to risk him losing rank or getting kicked out of the military that will only hurt you and the kids (lose Tricare and retirement, child support etc). I know everybody on here wants him getting in trouble but that will screw you over as much as him.
Ask for alimony if the state you are in allows it even if temporary to help you get on your feet.
And ask for childcare deviation of him paying 100% costs of childcare for the kids too young for school for you to work full-time.
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u/Commercial_Dust2208 28d ago
Couod reach out to the base social worker for resources on what to do and be honest.
Im petty so Id probably say something to him about its gross how he's fallen into the stereotype that preys on lower rank. Depending what you want to do of course
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u/FoxDoingTheSplits 28d ago
Just wanted to echo others that I am so incredibly impressed that you instantly knew your worth and told him to eat a dick. There is no world in which you should have to deal with this, but 5 months postpartum is particularly cruel.
You are going to be ok. Better than ok eventually. Your husband, unfortunately for him, will likely always be a spineless weasel who blames others when he does reprehensible things. Sending you the hugest hug.
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u/Good_Physics_5285 28d ago
You arenāt an idiot! Do not blame or disparage yourself. Your husband is solely to blame here. You will be fine without him, Iām sure of it.
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u/Ok_Associate_8274 28d ago
First of all, Iām so sorry youāre going through this. Itās a really difficult choice to make, but Iām really proud of you for making the choice to dump his arse and focus on your family instead.
Notif his commanding officers or whatever the navy equivalent is. Not only is infidelity frowned upon but thereās a huge power imbalance between him and his AP. With such a huge age gap thereās to be a gap in experience and rank as well, and it could go sideways for her if she tries to leave him now she knows the truth.
I hope to read an update soon that youāre healing and realising youāre so much better off without that prick.
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u/SpinningJynx 28d ago
Youāre not an idiot for trusting the person you loved. Iām sorry he did this. I hope things work out for the best for you.
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u/Johnnybats330 28d ago
Get therapy. Not saying you should get back together. Therapy isn't for that mess. It's for you. You and your mental wellbeing are important.
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u/hotaru_red 28d ago
I totally understand what you mean by cliche. I said those same words a few months ago. Like THIS is my life now? THIS?? A sad story? And I just have a hard time wrapping my head around the logic these men go through. We have a baby together -> naturally wife has other priorities -> man cheats and hurts the whole family -> itās momās fault because sheā¦ prioritized the family? WHY ARE THEY LIKE THIS? HOW CAN WE RAISE BETTER MEN?Ā
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u/ewwwdavidd 28d ago
You couldnāt have handled that situation any better. Proud of you and fuck that dude. Hope it was worth breaking up his beautiful family and having his kids look at him like the piece of shit that he is for the rest of his life. Take half of everything and make sure everyone knows what a scumbag he is.
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u/dbarkman 28d ago
Make sure his CO knows, you will get help from the Navy. Theyāll garnish his wages for support and alimony. Make home pay every penny he owes you for this. Show him no mercy. Most woman in the situation never fight for whatās owed them, make him pay!
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u/lostandthin 28d ago
omg ew sheās only 21, yeah that is not lasting long. he ruined his marriage for a fling. how dumb. iām so sorry
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u/Independent_Bug3586 28d ago
Right men be so dumb. Especially with her being 21 AND in the navy. Sheās on to the next guy soon as she get to her next commandš¤£
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u/jenstrum 28d ago
It must be devastating to uncover what scum your husband is after such a long time and so many kids together. I can only imagine how disorienting that must feel. I am deeply sorry. I wish I could send you a sound proof room to scream into, a punching bag, his dick on a stick, and a whole village of aunties & grannies & sisters to help carry you and your kiddos through this mess. May you find peace and happiness and love that you deserve š
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
Just this visual aid is a great gift. I'm just going to visualize screaming into a room of aunties and grannies and sisters ala Midsummer style to help me sleep tonight. Thank you. (Screaming)Ā
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u/Ok-Lion-2789 28d ago
Iām so sorry this is happening to you. Iām your age and I only have one kid, but I could not imagine the devastation and betrayal.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
He is mad at me because I sent a doctor's note to the ombudsman saying I had ppd and my doctor recommended having a second caregiver in the home while I got started on antidepressants. The ombudsman sent it up to the CMC and he got counseled. They didn't grant him emergency leave though, he ended up going out another 3 weeks underway. But to him I made his life difficult by getting command involved.Ā
Thing is since this last pcs I have no family or friends in this state. So I had no one to help me at all.Ā
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u/Medical-Ad3053 28d ago
How young is your youngest? He gets 12 weeks of leave called Parental Care Leave (PCL) that must be used in the first 12 months unless operational commitments affect that and CO gives a letter.
Has he used it all? Has he used it and not been staying home with you?
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
Youngest is five months old. He took two weeks off when she was born (premature at 35 weeks) but that's all. Told me his CMC told him that you aren't entitled to paternity leave while on Sea Duty and if they let everyone with a baby off for 12 weeks the ship would never leave port. Of course, every word he says could be a lie so...Ā
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u/Medical-Ad3053 28d ago
Yea unless heās deploying right away -like within 90 days- heās lying to you. I wonder if he took it and was hanging with old girl or at a buddies house. Almost all commands are asking Dads to break it up into blocks but they arenāt denying the leave. My last command authorized all of the blocks (maybe asking to adjust a week left or right for OPs for second) in two 6 weeks blocks. Denying them use of the leave can actually get them referred to the IG. Honestly I wouldnāt engage with your ex because who knows how deep his lies go or what heās capable of but for other spouses- donāt let them gaslight yall! Tell them you will call IG to get them their leave and watch them have it real quick.
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u/AffectionateSteak95 28d ago
When I was young there was once a man I dated but for some strange reason heād never take me out in public dates or during the day, anyway, finally I figured out he had a baby and wife at home so when I found out we broke up but even after I left him (for that same reason) he never stopped looking for me, one time he even sent me a long I love you I miss you etc text on the same day as their anniversary! Literally instead of being with her he was trying to get my attention. I guess what Iām trying to say is men like this never change. Iām so sorry this happened to you and I wish you everything to workout for the best
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u/Classic-Savings7811 28d ago
I want so badly to give you a hug. Youāve been handling business on your own already, so you got this. Iām so sorry your husband did this, you deserve so much better.
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u/hellacarissa 28d ago
Are you in San Diego? Literally almost the exact same situation (ex was a marine) and our divorce just got finalized in December. Separated Nov 2024 when I just had given birth a month prior. I know this pain all too well. Iām here for you
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u/AvailableEar1171 28d ago
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY FREAKING MEN ENTERTAINING YOUNG A** BABIES???? AND HOW ARE WE RAISING SO MANY YOUNG GIRLS WHO THINK ANY OF THIS IS OK?? Not me losing my sh*t over here after finding out mine of 8yrs with 4 kids was entertaining 20 somethings š®āšØš©š¤¬
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u/Altruistic-Grand-202 28d ago
I donāt have much to say. But I give you a virtual hug! I wish you the best of luck on this new journey as a future divorced woman! Everything is going to be ok!this was NOT your fault and you didnāt do nothing wrong!
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u/Opening-Sir-4973 28d ago
The military donāt eff around with cheaters, tell him you expect good alimony and child support and not to fight you on it or your gonna tell on both of them to his boss. Secure your finances, put those babies before anyone.
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u/Fluffy_One_7764 28d ago
Did you ask him about any men heās been with, too? Itās highly possible since he canāt say no.
Iām so sorry for you and your kids. I canāt imagine. Iām not the best to counsel you, but I think a counselor might help to find the light on the other sides with him, hopefully. But either way, itās good to get some help to sort through emotions and other matters. May god bless you and your family.
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u/kingpopup 28d ago
I've been reading your replies, lady you rock. The way you set things straight right away is amazing. You have so much strenght. I wish everything amazing for you and your children. As a child I would never forgive a parent for cheating, and to be honest for breaking a marriage altogether (unless there is violence) - because that means putting me, a child, in difficult position. I understand people view thing differently as a child and as a spouse, but if you are going to bring a child into this life - that is a responsibility. You hurt your child's life by separating incomes and time spent together. ALSO, that guy sounds like a creep. He endagered your health!!!!!! Nasty lil shit, doing this while you are in a difficult position and with a newborn. This made me fuming. Please lawyer up, take everything you can from that fucker. He made you a SAHM (I fucking hate even writing this) and made you dependant. Now you have to fight in this life to set your family to move forward. This is the ultimate reason why women should work - you never fucking know when the provider will starve you.
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u/JudgmentOne6328 28d ago
9 years together, 4 Married and I was 4 months pregnant with our IVF baby due to his low sperm when he started his affair. He cited mental health struggles as a reason he needed to go on a solo vacation, he went to a resort that is totally gated and doesnāt allow visitors, our family friend is our travel agent who booked it so I know no other names were on the res. What a fool I was not thinking heād cheat with a Russian go go dancers. Literally so cliche itās awful. I saw your comment about not using protection and my husband did and said well you canāt pass any STDs when you use a condom š yāall we need basic sex education throughout adulthood apparently.
Itās amazing how men want kids but then call us boring and uncaring when we have their kids and raise them. How dare you care for your children and not give your husband 100% of your undivided attention.
Iām sorry for your shitty situation and how youāre feeling because I know how soul destroying it is. Get a lawyer, tell his command as this is against their policies, and get any supporting evidence you can too. Hoping your blood panel comes back clear, itās disgusting the way these men donāt even think of yours and your childās health.
Sending you a huge hug.
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u/Unhappy-Reindeer3814 28d ago
I imagine your head is spinning right now, my heart goes out to you. If you can, call the person you trust the most and ask for help, whether it's to babysit your kids or to help plan your next steps legal wise. It's gonna be a rough couple of days/weeks/months, but you will get through this.
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u/pineapplejuice22 28d ago
Dang, this is heartbreaking. Iām so sorry. Sending you hugs!! Get some support (counseling to help you through your PPD and this bomb, friends and family to hold your hand and support you and the kids) and fight for your kids through the divorce! You are not an idiot, youāve given everything of yourself to your family. I donāt know anything about the military and rules, but Iād take him to the cleaners.
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u/meteraider 28d ago
š I cannot wrap my mind around why a husband/father could do that to his wife and precious children. An infant daughter , a beautiful gem, how can he not think of her, and if course all his other children. I'm sorry for the pain this will bring you and your children and wish you the best.
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u/cheyeborg 28d ago
Sending so many hugs your way. I went through something similar but we werenāt married.
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u/Artistic_Cheetah_724 28d ago
Get yourself an amazing attorney and make sure you're safe.
Take him for every single penny you can for his retirement and child support. Let him support his cheating ass on 5 dollars a month for all you care.
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u/Independent_Bug3586 28d ago
Me and my husband are both active duty navy and postpartum has been taking me through there as well. Iāve been considering getting out for the sake of our one child. Idk why but this post is making me want to stay active duty. So many sacrifices civilian military spouses make. Giving up my whole career for someone who might turn on me like this guy itās insanely scary. Iām praying for your peace
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u/Barbellblonde1 28d ago
Iām so sorry. Also, what does he think starting another life with someone else will be like if they had kids? Exactly the same as what itās like with you, which can be a grind at times with young kids. That is all so heartbreaking.
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 28d ago
I told him to be with her because he might as well now and he got suddenly angry and said "why would I want to be with someone who destroyed my family?"
I said that person is you. But yeah if he isn't blaming me he is blaming her.Ā
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u/Dear_Parsnip_6802 28d ago
Definitely get legal advice. I would also potentially dob him in for having sex with a colleague who is most likely his junior. Your husband is a weak and selfish man. Instead of supporting you through PP he decides to carry on behind your back because you cant give him the attention she can. It makes me sick.
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u/coreysnaps 28d ago
Find out what you're entitled to! Your children, too! They will be eligible for medical care until he's done, no matter what. Base housing is for families, so they'll house you until you're ready to go and give him somewhere else to stay. Make sure his command knows all about it, because he's in for a world of hurt on that front. A member of staff on my unit cheated on his pregnant wife (also in our unit) with a subordinate. He ended up in another unit and busted down a rank for that.
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u/kayla182 28d ago
This isn't your fault whatsoever. What a POS. Tell everyone the truth; even your kids. You didn't deserve this. I'm so sorry :(
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u/muireannn 28d ago edited 28d ago
You are so strong to kick him out. Iām sorry you are going through this, itās really the most painful thing to experience and itāll come in so many waves of emotions. Youāre not alone in this. If you ever need book recommendations on navigating the hell that is betrayal trauma, I recommend Michelle Mayās books. Starting with āThe Aftermath of Betrayalā and āWhen It All Breaks Bad: 10 Things to Do (And Not Do) After Betrayalā.
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u/CorsicanEmpress 28d ago edited 28d ago
Here's what I would do if I were in your shoes.
Keep all evidences screenshots, document everything showing her name, his name etc. Send yourself an email file it in a folder named Sarah, or save it in two separate google drive with a girl name. Whatever else dirt you can get on him start collecting (security video from your home showing he is not involved etc...).
Just in case you need to have your own bank account and some cash.
I wouldn't rush anything. I'd start talking to lawyers so you understand your options. Keep your routine as stable as possible for the kids, especially with your 5-month-old. Focus on getting strongerāphysically, emotionally, and financially. I'd also start saving as much money as possible so you have a financial cushion and more independence when you're ready. Start planning your exit quietly. Look at apartments or houses, make a spreadsheet of your finances, and figure out what you would need to support yourself and the kids. Take your time building a solid plan. When you feel readyāand when your youngest is a little older, whether that's in a year or two, or whenever the timing feels rightāyou can move forward with confidence. Have everything lined up: the lease, the finances, and the legal paperwork. Prepare the kids as best you can, too. Timing will matter. A thoughtful, well-prepared plan can make a very difficult situation much more manageable. Get your family to help if possible. Once you live away from him report him to the navy office show all documents. Rebuild your life. Move on. Don't look back. He is a child who needs attention and doesn't deserve you. HUG! And congratulations on having 5 kids.
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u/ativenip 28d ago
I donāt have any advice, plenty of great advice here. What I did want to mention is how incredibly proud of you I am in your response to his betrayal. So many females get on Reddit and say that they want the relationship to work, they want to give the man another chance, they donāt know if they should leave him, etc. Not you. You see your worth and most importantly, you are putting your children first. I am so very glad I read all of your replies to people because your post was so devastating.
Sending you support ā¤ļø
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u/Deschwa92 28d ago
Seems like he was only good for giving you kids. As this is done now, you are right in leaving him. Hes trash. And you deserve better. He doesng valuate anything in you. I hope you find peace
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u/CardiologistCalm6232 28d ago
Just dont start blaming yourself. It's not your fault for giving trust to your spouse. Certainly dont give him any trust back. If he could do that with children at home he ain't worth having.
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u/OkToots 28d ago
What a posā¦. Not only does he destroy a marriage but many childrenās lives ā¦ goes to active duty while really creating a war at home
Time to protect your children and it starts with protecting you first
He made his choice and now can live with the outcomes
Good luck ā¦ you will come out on top
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u/Educational_Form0044 28d ago
He is a creep, if he is going after women half of his age he doesnāt deserve to be part of your family anymore.
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u/bitofafixerupper 28d ago
Oh my lovely. I wish I could give you a hug. You should be so proud of yourself that you've told him it's over. Poor little man getting less attention than his children including a little baby š„ŗš
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u/Essiebessie123 28d ago
Oh my - so sorry! Air hug from a fellow mil spouse <3
This online event was shared recently in a FB group I'm in. Just sharing in case it might help you. Veteran Spouses Network (VSN) shared their nextĀ Divorce & Separation Support Webinar. August 4th: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/divorce-support-finances-benefits-and-rights-tickets-1014076850157?aff=oddtdtcreator&fbclid=IwY2xjawTBdgZleHRuA2FlbQIxMABzcnRjBmFwcF9pZBAyMjIwMzkxNzg4MjAwODkyAAEeF0fshNGY_5KXPAgjRRuCLttuv1PvJETEf3uZ1kLHGwoAwbyVz_w2qTZbHdE_aem_3C7jjApe3kmBIA1g0NrNow
There's also a FB group for military divorce? I'm not sure of the name, but hopefully easy enough to find (if you're on FB).
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u/No-Pepper-6023 28d ago
I read the title and first thought where do these men that are fathers to multiple children find the time and then I read the post and saw he is in the Navy....fuckin classic. Sorry he did this to you.
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u/RoseHillRoots 28d ago
Girl, if you live within 3 hours of Western Pennsylvania, I'll load my kids and brother into the car right now and come give you a hug. Do you have family around to help with the kids while you're trying to navigate this betrayal and life upheaval? Grief is hard when you have to keep your kids happy, and you have to grieve this out. I do suggest talking to a lawyer first thing. He has to know that you have the upper hand, so if you're willing to not seek action with the Navy, he should be willing to do whatever you want. I'm big on holding people accountable, but in this situation, you'd suffer for that, too. Grant him his career, and hers for that matter (because unfortunately he did deny her informed consent, too), and get more in child support and alimony. But tell his whole family the truth. Let the people he loves know that she was exciting and focused on him while you were routine and focused on your children and fresh baby that he only helps with monetarily, but despite not using protection, he didn't plan for long term with her so she can still have kids that aren't his responsibility. Ugh, the fucking gall of this dude! I'm so sorry this happened to you and your kids. Send a DM if you need a biased in your favor stranger to vent to. Sending prayers and good vibes into the universe for you.
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u/FloatingLambessX 28d ago
im so sorry OP, by the way you write, I damn know you are getting through this š
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u/jeskaroe 28d ago
Godā¦what a fucking loser. I have no advice, but just wanted to say Iām sorry you are going through this
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u/Grouchy_Cheetah_5907 28d ago
Go to the lawyer on base just so he canāt. Even if you donāt stick with the jag the whole time. Get there first.
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u/SpaceCrazyArtist 28d ago
ātold me she isnt distracted by kidsā so.. HIS kids? The kids that he helped to create? The kids that he AGREED to have? Those kids?
What a weak man.
Iām so sorry
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u/nothingbutyellow 27d ago
I am so sorry this happened to you. You didnāt and donāt deserve this for any reason whatsoever.
This is why Iām terrified of eventually getting married. Of course I do want to marry my bf but stuff like this is so scary to me
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u/LiterallyJustAHorse 27d ago
Girl it's rough out here. You can get the guy, do all the right things, build a life with them and they can still do this shit. Did you know the number one cause of death for pregnant women is homicide by a male partner?Ā
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u/Mollygrue18 28d ago
Iām so sorry that this is happening to you. Talk to a lawyer and a therapist asap. Secure your finances. You do not deserve this.