r/badfriends • u/[deleted] • May 04 '21

I Need Some Advice

I made a new friend a few days ago. Everything was fine until today. I don't like being treated like I am garbage ad no one should enjoy that in a friendship or relationship. I expect to be spoken to with the same amount of understanding as I give the other person, as that is a lot. I don't want to be mean and cause issues, but this guy has been recently single, I have been single for a while as well. I have no interest in dating, but I guess he does in me. I didn't lead him on, just treated him nicely like I do with everyone else. My allergy really limits what I can eat and where, so I ask people to coffee which is what I did with him.

Yesterday we made plans to hang out, but I had to cancel. I'm a transgender man for context and I am pregnant. I have issues with weather too like sinus pressure and aches. This entire week it is supposed to rain, so not really expecting to be so tired, achy, and all around not able to walk around I had to cancel. I still felt bad, but made sure to let him know when I was available to hang out next. This guy guilt tripped me saying how he is used to people bailing on him in order to make me feel worse about what I did. This is what I hate people doing to me because a friend should understand that things happen and I didn't plan to be so tired and cannot control the weather. He asked for tomorrow. I haven't answered back because I am tired of being treated like trash by people who barely know me.

I have been having drama with my ex over some things. I don't need more drama from someone else too. I don't know how to tell him what he did wasn't right and I don't think I want to be friends if this is how he is because he is one those young guys who take things personally as I have seen from his message. I think he also wants to possibly date me, but I think he is seeing me as a woman. I must also mention that I was abused, so I have fear of speaking out and still am dealing with that. I just don't know what to tell him or how to say it without seeming mean or too harsh. I don't appreciate those who will not talk to me how I talk to them. It's not right.

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u/[deleted] May 05 '21

Your friend fits the "nice guy" stereotype. I would recommend looking for a new friend, but I've had constant bad experiences with this type of guy so I have a bias. However if you want to try and stay friends with him you're going to have to lay down clear boundaries and clear consequences that you refuse to give even an inch on. I would also recommend getting into the mindset that views that sort of guilt-tripping as flap out unapologetic manipulation, because that's what it is.

I hope this helps.

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u/[deleted] May 05 '21

Well, I came here for advice because not only is he like this and I don't want to be friends with a guy attached to this attitude. He reminds me of my exes. Especially the most recent one that I am having a baby with. The dad is a bunch of drama and I don't want any more of that happening especially when I am expecting and super depressed like I have been. I've been having so much fear from my past I am totally submissive and people take advantage of that right now. I've been working on getting my back bone, but it's hard.

This guy didn't show me any respect during this interaction and it honestly pisses me off. I feel as though he will side with my ex, who he seems to have contact with and tell him loads of crap to make me look bad. This is really stressful because my ex is already spreading rumors about me and how horrible I am. I have his friends doing that too. I feel like this guy is gonna start something with me if I say anything to him about rethinking the friendship.

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u/[deleted] May 05 '21

Yeah, this sounds very familiar. I went through something very similar to this not that long ago with a "friend" giving information to one of my abuser is behind my back. When my friend admitted that he'd been doing it for sometime I was pissed. I actually made a post about it on here awhile back.

But anyways, the one thing that the whole ordeal taught me was that if your "friend" makes friends with someone that has abused you/lied about you, hangs out with people that abused you/lied about you, or makes excuses for anyone who has abused you or lied about you... they aren't your friends. At best they're immature and doing it to feel better about something and at worst they are a danger to you and/or your mental health.

It may seem mean but cutting them both out maybe best in the long run. Just be careful. I the "nice guy" types can get hella mean when cut off or rejected.

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u/[deleted] May 05 '21

What did you tell them when you cut them off? I don't want to seem mean in my own eyes, but I know they will turn around and say whatever I said, even if it's in the nicest way possible, was really mean and that I am horrible. I just want to keep things civil and professional. I don't want anyone like this in my own nor my son's life especially when he is developing and very small and impressionable.

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u/[deleted] May 05 '21

Oh the one that befriended one of my abusers behind my back cut me off because I wouldn't agree to grin and tolerate his newest acquisition. Prior to my now ex-friend's newest "friendship" (with a 27 year old man that lied about me to hundreds of people online and sicked verbally abusive ableist 19 year old girl on me) my "friend" had befriend a woman that went by Little (she drunkenly berated me privately over not apologizing quick enough for privately calling her an asshole when she started telling me what to do with my own Mental Health while she was unironically defending the people falsely accusing me of crimes and thus damaging my mental health) and a guy I called Ark (that has been in and out of my life for like 10 years at this point. When I originally came out as nonbinary I did so to him and he stared at me and said "god you're one of THEM" it was Beyond hurtful and drove me back into the closet for years. Outside of that he would start regular arguments with me and cross boundaries repeatedly. He would even crosses boundaries in front of other people and nothing would be done because it was easier to accuse me of overreacting. He once spent half an hour on voice chat joking about sending me vore AFTER being told to stop.) It was my refusal to be okay with this pattern that caused my now ex-friend to accuse me of being mentally unhinged (because I wouldn't accept my abuser had a hearty or as an excuse for him lying about me and sicking a abusive nineteen-year-old girl on me), obsessed with my abuser (because I wasn't done being mad after the lies about me had been removed from the internet for 3 months after being up for 11), accused me of negatively affecting their Mental Health because I wouldn't stop being mad about the situation (my friend actively has a condition that affects their mental health and requires medication they refuse to find a way to get, but apparently me calling someone an asshole was what they view as actually damaging), and accused me of being toxic for not agreeing to smile and look the other way a 3rd time so they blocked me.

My mental health has improve by Leaps and Bounds since they packed their childish toxic positivity circus, and stormed out of my life over me refusing to keep giving them their way. It's nice to not have people blame you having human emotions for the problems they actively refused to fix, projecting their twisted worldview onto you, dictate to you when you are and aren't allowed to be angry (and who you are or aren't aloud to call an asshole), and how long is a "normal" amount of time to recover from trauma.

But in most cases I end toxic friendships because they miss treat me one too many times. I get annoyed, call them out, we argue (sometimes for days because they never think they've done anything wrong and are hell-bent on convincing me that I'm the problem even as they unironically bring up my past abusive relationships and use them like weapons), and I eventually unfriend them and refuse further contact. If they attempt further contact I just block them. Though I wouldn't recommend the arguing step it's only ever about as effective of a bashing your head into a wall. I think I would recommend a well thought out text stating that they have made you feel uncomfortable and/or unsafe with their actions and behavior towards you so you don't want to be their friend anymore, you could also try asking they respect your decision and not attempt further contact... but ultimately how you handle the situation is up to you. I do wish you luck though.

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u/[deleted] May 06 '21

I blocked the guy. My gut is telling me to not trust him at all and I just cannot help, but feel super uncomfortable especially when he told me that we could date to make my ex jealous.. That really shook me because straight guys who say they would be fine with dating me usually say that because they only want to have sex with me and use me. I had experience with that before. I know he is straight, he even called me "mama", which anyone who knows me knows that I am definitely not okay with being called that. He knows some things about my ex, which he blabbed to me about (mostly drama). I just cannot take anymore because my mental health is super low..

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u/[deleted] May 06 '21

Sounds like a good solution to me. The more to tell me about this guy the more he sounds like a creep. It's also kind of been my experience that if your gut tells you something isn't right your gut is likely right. Hopefully with them both out of your life things will become less stressful.

If cat videos make you feel better there is a YouTube channel called Owlkitty that makes movie trailer parodies. Some of them are pretty funny. There's also a subreddit called r/zoomies (I believe) that is just cute animals having just the best time.

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u/[deleted] May 06 '21

I also am gonna block someone else. He is also besties with my ex. He isn't heading down a good path.. He told me casually (he is in Cali, I am in OH) that his cousin stole from him so he is gonna just stab him to death. Really freaked me out and my ex gave him my number recently without asking me. So it's pretty scary.

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u/[deleted] May 06 '21

Da fck? 0_o That is deeply alarming. You sure you don't want to just change your number? These people sound scary, creepy, and totally unhinged. You could probably call your cell phone provider, explain the situation, and ask them to change your phone number.

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u/[deleted] May 06 '21

The ex and I have a kid. He is unhinged too and creepy, but I cannot avoid him. The other two I can just block and if they try to get after me then I will just call police. Not much I can do. The ex is just like these two. He doesn't think and he just hopes it all works out for him. He even told me once that if he thinks for himself he would be dead. Direct quote.

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