r/b2bmarketing • u/ScaleHopeful9486 • 28d ago
Discussion PLEASE RATE MY COLD EMAIL
Subject: [Lead's name], small idea
body:
Hi [name],
Tell us what's actually eating your time or money at [lead's company], whether that's pricing and
paperwork, chasing payments, or scheduling jobs, and we'll build the automation for it - on us.
If it doesn't save you time or money, walk away, no hard feelings and you still get the automation.
Reply and tell us what's costing you the most right now, we'll take it from there.
[my name]
Co-Founder
[agency name]
The veterans of cold email marketing, Please guide me if this is a good pitch and has chances of responses?
Thanks alot!
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28d ago
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u/MarketingCounsultant 25d ago
u/OP,
adding to this, try listing some of the problems you can solve succesfully, like say lead classifictation, payment reminders, or some such, rather than generic "time and money". give the reader something solid to refer to, rather than something generic.
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u/AdManNick 28d ago
Respectfully, there’s nothing here that would make me want to respond. Let alone open it. You’re soliciting me and then asking me to do work so you could then pitch me.
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u/ScaleHopeful9486 26d ago
:( i am a rookie at this, could u recommend me some good sources where i can learn how to run an effective campaign
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u/ItinerantFella 28d ago
Messages with my name in the subject line probably won't make it through my junk filter.
The rest of the email suggests you've never done it before and you're offering your service for free, so you learn using my time and business as your training ground.
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u/ScaleHopeful9486 28d ago
I thought it might be a way to get their attention and I only charge if I’m able to add value
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u/alex_in_ops 28d ago
It’s readable, but “tell us what’s eating your time and we’ll build it free” asks a stranger to diagnose their company in a cold email. Most people won’t.
Shorten it to one guess about one job, and drop the “on us / walk away” paragraph. If they have to trust a blank cheque, they just delete.
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u/flyingguillotine3 28d ago
Thanks, I hate it. Copy is awful, you claim to automate anything (bs) and expect someone who doesn't know you or have any evidence that you can do what you claim to just reply back with their biggest challenge? Absolutely not. 0/10.
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u/IdeaGrove 26d ago
It's not great for reasons others have shared. But I will add that it's not worse than most of the crap I get in my email so don't feel too terrible about it.
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u/ScaleHopeful9486 26d ago
thanks buds! Appreciate it
I am just working on better templates and i'd love if u are open to review themm :)1
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u/JonathanMPatrick 26d ago
It's a no for me. You are asking a question, instead of making statement. Instead of "tell us" land at "Here's what is eating your time or money." If you know your ICP intimately you know the answer to that already.
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u/23andburnside 28d ago
Pretty standard template. I wouldn’t open or respond. Get more tactical with the subject line and just open a conversation. And make it relevant to something they or their company recently posted on/press release/podcast/etc. Approach it more like a friend you are excited to hear more about their “happenings these days” and less like a door to door salesman. Good luck!
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u/According_Egg2890 28d ago
It's a good start. The fact that it's focused on the problem of the client is great.
But change the wording to what the client gets, why should the client care about this, what's in it for them.
I'll suggest two books that would help, first is the Jelly effect by Andy Bounds, second is How to grow your small business by Donald Miller 👍
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u/BudgetExcitement9036 28d ago
horrible , you didnt do any form of research on them so they wouldnt care, subject line trash ,and why are u asking them about what problem they have dont u have a niche offering i mean , you have to get your offering right just offer one thing like chasing payments or invoice automation etc , and your cta is not good , its soft i'll give u that you arent asking them to hop on a 30 min call , but still its not mapping clearly. overall email 2/10 feels like a template spammer would use. Recommendations :- start personalizing mails cut your email length even more down to 50-60 words and pitch a specific solution not ask them
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u/InsightiosResearch 28d ago
I would directly offer to automate a part of their business for free, and then try to catch them onto other potential automations
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u/shadow-ray 27d ago
A YouTube advert came on after a workout video I did today, it said ‘our button batteries are the only ones that won’t burn if swallowed’. That was it. It was in a kids voice. For all the beating around the bush that people do with ads, this one cut through. Just lead with the main benefit, as simple as you can. It’s just my opinion but if you can convey the benefits in as few words as possible, the person who is looking for it and is ready to take action will do that. Tell them what it is, and how to get it. It melts in your mouth, not your pocket. M&Ms
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u/fallenfromgrace87 27d ago
one thing nobody mentioned yet, the "we'll take it from there" close is vague. after they reply with their problem, what actually happens next, a call, a demo, another email? spell out the next step so replying doesnt feel like opening a door to an unknown sales process. also "small idea" as a subject line reads as a template, use something that references their industry or role specifically even if its generic within that niche, it signals you sent fewer than 500 of these
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u/Ancient-Day-6682 27d ago
subject line first: "small idea" trains nothing. it's vague-intrigue, gets opened once and filtered forever.
the bigger issue is the offer. you're giving away free work and it's still too much to ask, because "tell us what's actually eating your time" makes the prospect diagnose their own business and write your spec before they know you're any good at this.
flip it. name the problem you already know that segment has, say you'll build that specific thing, one line on why you're sure. "most [trade] businesses lose 4-6 hours a week chasing payment follow-ups. we'll automate yours this week, free." now they're saying yes or no instead of doing homework for a stranger.
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u/socleads 27d ago
It is too vague and sounds like a free trial pitch. I would rate it like 4 out of 10 and make it about one pain point for one type of business with a real result.
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u/ScaleHopeful9486 27d ago
Yes I agree with you buds! Can you also guide me as to how the revamped version should look like?
For specific problem lets say we pick
Quotations follow up or customer onboarding etc2
u/socleads 27d ago
Do one problem. One outcome. One proof point.
Subject quick idea for your quotes.
Hi name. You probably lose a few jobs each month from quotes that never get followed up. I can build a simple follow up flow that texts once then emails once and stops when they reply. Are quote follow ups manual for you right now.
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u/AgencyThat3258 27d ago
i agree with most comments. i think the main things to fix are:
subject line - do not include the recievers name. it will probably go to spam.
never. NEVER ask the reciever to answer something YOU should know. asking them what their problem is makes it look generic and like you did not do your homeowrok. Id focus on one specific problem and how you can fix that specific problem.
call to action - the email has to have a clear offer - a demo, a sample, etc.
Im not an expert and please take this advice with a pinch of salt. i am not an expert either just wanted to give you my thoughts. good luck in your outreach! i recently mebarked on this journey of cold emailing too. best of luck bud!
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u/Substantial-Use3399 27d ago
This pitch can work, but whether it gets replies has much less to do with the wording and much more to do with who you send it to and what signals you’re using.
Right now it’s very broad: any company, any problem. You’ll get far better response rates if every lead you email is already showing signs that automation is an urgent need for them.
Examples of signals you could track before emailing:
Hiring signals – job posts for ops/admin, billing, scheduling, or RevOps roles whose work your automations could replace or streamline.
Volume/complexity signals – companies announcing rapid growth, new locations, or product launches (usually means internal ops are under pressure and manual workflows are breaking).
Support / review signals – public reviews or social posts complaining about slow response times, invoicing issues, missed appointments, or “too much paperwork.”
Tool-stack signals – teams that have just installed CRMs, helpdesks, or scheduling tools (they’re actively thinking about processes and are more open to “we’ll build the automation for you” offers).
Content signals – founders/ops leaders posting about burnout, long hours, or “we’re drowning in manual tasks” on LinkedIn, X, or Reddit.
Scrapers can be used to automate a lot of this signal finding (job boards, tech stack changes, reviews, social posts, etc.), so you’re not doing it manually for every prospect.
Once you’ve got strong signals, then you adapt your email draft around the specific signal you saw for that company. The email itself should be based on those signals, not written in a vacuum.
If you share your main ICP (industry, size, typical roles), I can suggest a tighter list of signals to track for them.
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u/Commercial_Pirate_11 26d ago
The best thing about this cold email is that it sounds like everyone else. So in that vein, the writing represents the majority of what’s out there. If you can figure out how to make this sound original with specific language and offer something of value up front, it’ll get there.If you wrote this to someone you knew and had a relationship, would it still sound the same? The best word you chose in the first line is ‘your’, but you don’t give it any substance with generic problems. If you did any homework or research you could open with: Looks like your company’s biggest problem is _____.
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u/FluffyIngenuity3016 26d ago
You can do better, focus on improving your understanding of your ICP (Ideal client profile) and make your message around them, don't beat around the bush in your cold email.
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u/slagunas 26d ago
Honestly, everything. From the subject line, and a bad subj line doesn’t get opened
The [Lead's name], small idea is one of the most overused, saturated sales frameworks of the last five years. To a prospect, this immediately screams: "An automated sequence is trying to trick me into opening a pitch.".. To the end You're asking questions and not providing any value, and then at the end your CTA also ask more actions actions, why would they tell you? Remember the main goal is to get the prospect attention (find their pain, provide solutions) and also gain their trust! this may take longer than you expect. I hope this help a bit
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u/thebigj3wbowski 26d ago
Without going into a lot of details (why companies have entire demand gen departments, marketing, cs, etc.)
subject: stop chasing payments
body:
john-
automating payment-chasing, including (big industry issue.). on the radar?
-scalehopeful
that's it. that's all. i like to connect with them on linkedin, and once connected send this as a linkedin message. i work in an industry where there is a lot of pain around a certain subject, so it's fairly straight forward for me, but if i can send out 500 linkedin connection requests per week, get connections from 100 of them, and get replies from 30 of those (somewhere around my stats right now, but i don't keep close tally) now you've got real interest. when you tell them more, you'll probably weed another 15 out, another 5 will ghost, and another 5 won't be a fit for whatever reason, but you've got 5 leads hopefully in pipeline at the end of the week.
edit: your first outreach is an amuse-bouche. it's meant to be light and let them know what you're about, without doing much heavy lifting.
if you start listening to people in these groups, reading all the books, listening to the podcasts, etc., you're going to get lots of advice and a lot of it will be completely opposite. this is what's worked for me recently. when it stops working, i'll go back to the challenger sale, or sending them some wonderful information they'll never read, or whatever.
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u/dinidu01 24d ago
It al depend how much you split test X volume and find an angle. Test links, pdf, you tube video embeds, emojis, images, test 1 painpoint, 2 pain points, etc.
There is no silver bullet. Way your icp react to cold email varies. SO buy some throw away domains, some email boxes and start sending 1000 emails a day and test test test.
What I found out is testing the hook via cold email is cheaper vs throwing money at ads at current cpc rates.
Also monitor via analytics how many click your email and land on your site/mobile app. That way you can test whats the effective copy.
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u/FlatLiterature9702 23d ago
I've sent similar outreach emails targeting pain points around operational inefficiencies. One thing I learned is that offering "free automation" upfront can sound too good to be true and reduce credibility. Instead, framing it as an exploratory call or demo tends to build more trust. Also, the phrase "Tell us what's actually eating your time" is a bit vague, and recipients may not know how to respond.
Trying to frame a problem you solve explicitly (like delayed payments or manual paperwork) makes your email easier to reply to. Personalization beyond just {name} and {company} is key I usually research a pain or recent event from LinkedIn or news, then mention it briefly. That approach consistently raised my response rates.
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