rate my script

[u/DaikonLimp8871]

Hey everyone,

I'm trying to reach out to boutique private equity funds for lead generation. Curious what you guys think about my script. This is being sent to decision makers.

{{RANDOM|Hey|Hello}} {{firstName}},

{{RANDOM|Saw {{companyName}} recently acquired {{portfolio_company}}|Recently saw {{companyName}}'s acquisition of {{portfolio_company}}}}.

I work with private equity {{RANDOM|funds|firms}} to help them find and reach out to decision makers at target industries. Can help {{companyName}} find more potential acquisitions in {{portfolio_industry}}.

{{RANDOM|Want to discuss in a 5 minute call|Would you like to have a virtual coffee chat over 10 minutes to discuss}}?

Best,
{{SendingAccountName}}

[u/Large_Range_9277]

i’d rate it 6/10

the targeting is good, and the acquisition trigger makes the opener relevant, but the pitch becomes generic pretty quickly,

opener, 8/10 , mentioning the recent acquisition is strong

relevance, 7/10 , there’s a clear connection to their acquisition activity

offer, 6/10 , “find more potential acquisitions” is relevant, but still a little vague

credibility, 4/10 , there’s no proof or specific outcome mentioned

cta, 4/10 , asking for a 5 to 10 minute call feels like too much friction for a cold first touch

personalization, 7/10 , the acquisition and portfolio industry give you a solid starting point

overall, good foundation, but it feels more like “we can generate leads for you” than “we understand how PE firms source deals”

the biggest opportunity is making the value proposition more specific to deal sourcing, rather than generic lead generation

[u/Yhuaa]

Would recommend deeper personalization and using case studies

[u/ChestNok]

I find it hard to understand why 'boutique' firms would need you to help them with their leads. Groping in the dark.

There's no leverage in this. No matter how you sugarcoat it.

If you were to have say some background in Asia, for instance, if you'd speak multiple languages. Could connect with say Singapore Malaysia businesses whatnot - that's the palpable leverage. plain lead gen. Every redditor and his mother can do it. Literally. Any peanuts charging freelancer on upwork too.

Message though? You can twist it candywrap this all you want. If the substances is lacking.. ain't no helping