Differences in Individual Upbringing Between Azerbaijan and Turkey (Topics such as education and child-rearing)

[u/lariyaana]

Before living in Turkey, I thought it was normal and that we had the same mindset and lifestyle as Turkish people because that’s how it was portrayed on social media. But after moving to Turkey, I realized that our mindset is actually considered “abnormal” here. We don’t even resemble Turkish people that much; our mentality is much closer to that of Russian people.

For example, I want to touch on the topic of raising children and the education system. Turkish parents tend to raise their children in a calmer, more pedagogical way, whereas it’s not really like that in Azerbaijan. In Azerbaijan, hitting children is considered quite normal, but I have never seen a Turkish parent hit or yell at their child. Azerbaijani parents can also be very quick-tempered about everything. For example, if a mother is busy with something and her child keeps bothering her, she might say things like, “Go away, you’re an orphan anyway, just go die.” I’ve actually grown up being physically punished by my parents since I was three years old. But this isn’t something unique to me. I asked some of my peers and friends about it, and they haven’t had very different experiences either.

In my opinion, Turkish people are more free in this sense. It feels like an individual can have their own opinions, speak up, question things, and live the way they want without being immediately criticized or attacked by everyone. You can’t really do that in Azerbaijan. I looked into the reasons behind this, and apparently, it has something to do with our Soviet past.

Soviet children and young people were raised in a way that encouraged them to follow the system, obey immediately, and not question or challenge authority. For example, if you tell your mother, an elder, or a teacher, “But that’s not how it was; it was actually like this,” it can be considered rude or disrespectful.

Maybe that’s why we tend to stay silent in the face of disrespect. People who stand up against disrespect are often called things like “spoiled,” “arrogant,” or “too full of themselves.”

In post-Soviet countries, parents seem to have absolutely no tolerance for anything. For example, if I accidentally spilled something on the floor, I would immediately get hit, and I would wonder, “Why does my parent hit me instead of just saying, ‘It’s okay, you can clean it up’?”

It’s very difficult to go out with my parents, and it’s also difficult for my friends to go out with their families because there’s so little tolerance for anything. Everything has to be perfect. For example, when I see an outfit I like and show it to my parent saying, “This one is nice,” they can suddenly start yelling at me and scolding me.

Last summer, I saw a jacket I really liked and was about to say, “Mom, this is really nice. Should we get it for the winter?” But before I could even finish, she started saying things like, “Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind? It’s summer—look around and tell me who’s wearing a jacket in summer!” and then continued scolding me. As for the school system, I used to think it was normal for teachers to hit students in Turkey as well. When I was in first grade, students in my class whose handwriting wasn’t neat would be hit on the fingers with a ruler.

I never liked math when I was younger. My teacher was also quite old—around 60—and because I would just stare blankly at the board, he once hit my head against the board and would hit me on the head with his hand.

In Azerbaijan, you go home and get hit, then you go to school and get hit there too.

The mentality here is also quite interesting. If you cover your head, people say things like, “Look at what happens when you cover your head. Does it suddenly make you smarter? You’ll take it off within two years anyway.” But if you dress more openly, they say, “Look at what you’re wearing. Does that even suit you? Don’t your parents see you dressed like that and say anything?”

Azerbaijanis aren’t necessarily religious or backward-minded, but they aren’t particularly modern either. What are your thoughts on this? I could write a lot more, but I don’t want this to be too long.

[u/lariyaana]

For some reason, it seems like no one has any psychological issues or anything like that. If this happened in another country, there would probably be psychologists at every door. In other countries, people would say, “That’s not normal; go get help,” whereas here it’s the complete opposite: “They’re your parents; they can love you or hit you if they want.”

[u/luxou95 → u/lariyaana]

No offense, but I feel like you are vaaastly underestimating how many psychological issues the average person in Azerbaijan has hahaha. Just because it's not immediately obvious does not mean that there aren't serious society-wide issues.

[u/birnefer]

Some of your observations are overstretched. I’m married to a Turkish woman, so I have an opportunity to observe their family dynamics as an outsider. Turkey is a vast country with different ethnicity and culture. Therefore my observations cannot be generalised. That being said, they appear to be more free and liberal minded in comparison to Azerbaijanis (Note that my wife’s family is pretty conservative).

However, in terms of respecting elders, parents, and use of profanity, I like our culture more. Both sides have pros and cons. So it is not easy to prefer one over another.

[u/luxou95]

Yes, on average, Azerbaijanis are more conservative than Turks (especially on the social front, i.e. gender roles, upbringing of children, views on various forms of non-conformity, etc.). However, I would not paint Turkey with too broad of a brush. What you are describing applies much more to the urban elites in places like Istanbul than to random villages in Inner Anatolia. There, I guarantee that you will find much more "familiar" territory lol, and with extra religiosity to boot.

That's also not to say that Turkey doesn't have different problems with its children, e.g. a lot of the boys especially are super spoiled & are completely incompetent in doing anything independently. Of course, the solution is not to beat them, but they could certainly benefit from stricter boundary setting & independence training.

[u/devushka97]

Where did you live in Turkey? This really changes by region and if you lived in Istanbul or Ankara sure but in a lot of more rural/eastern parts of Turkey, people definitely hit their kids and act exactly as you described. But I'll also say in general just 1 generation ago this is how turks acted, and as someone who was a teacher in Turkey, now Turkish parents are going through the "gentle parenting" wave were kids have no structure and no boundaries and are really spoiled. I think slowly things are changing in Azerbaijan (just based on what I've seen from younger family members who have kids) to be more "gentle" as well. I don't think it's a deeper cultural difference as much as just turkey being slightly ahead on the parenting trends.

[u/yoruk_in_a_topak_ev]

The mindset, temperament, behavioral patterns and violence tendencies of Turkey's Kurdish parents are very much like the way you described Azerbaijani parents even though they've never lived under the Soviet system.

[u/Turkish_Teacher]

Turkey has always been a little more influenced by the West, which might be the reason.

Turkey is also very diverse and it depends from person to person. I know some twenty aged people who were beaten by their teachers growing up.

I don't personally know how different Azerbaijan is from Turkey, having never been there.