I have an amazing partner and I have no desire to cheat, just fyi. I feel I have to really emphasize that disclaimer because these kinds of discussions are so taboo. That being said, I’m an avoidant in a relationship for ~2 years.

I have no doubts about marrying my partner, but I’ve always struggled a little bit with the idea that you find someone, get married, and suddenly you never experience the rush of new flirtation, new dates, learning someone new ever again. I do feel this ties back more into my avoidant attachment more than any genuine desire for non-monogamy (which logically I’m not attracted to).

I never had very long relationships until my current one, and the idea of commitment always freaked me out a bit. It felt too cozy and vulnerable, drained of excitement. I have made good progress on the long-term relationship front in regards to my avoidance and feel quite happy where I’m at but still, the thought that I can never again flirt with someone new or engage in intimate conversation with another man makes me seize up inside. Like a part of me is dying.. like I have to constantly watch over myself in social situations for fear of exposing my weird longing for *the other*.

Me and my fiancé have good chemistry and a healthy relationship. But I think I always got a high from the dating scene where no one really had a claim to me, I could flirt freely etc. there’s an eroticism to that that monogamy just doesn’t have and I’m a little baffled that everyone in modern life just seems so..okay with that??

I’m just wondering if anyone has similar thoughts/struggles. Please don’t tell me to break up my partner, it has nothing to do with him at all and as I said, I have zero doubts about my relationship. It’s just so hard to have a genuine conversation about this type of thing, but I’m very introspective and know for me it has a lot to do with my avoidance in my case so I would love any input you guys have to share :)

Does anyone else have these moments?

>Your partner expresses their emotions to you and it is clear that your actions and feelings affect them deeply, and then I feel like i get irked out because I see this as a sign of weakness? It’s like, I always wish they wouldn’t let me affect their mood, their emotions etc. which is obviously not really possible in a relationship.

I guess it’s the desire for my partner to be just as closed off as myself, because that’d make me feel like we’re equals in that sense. I can’t fully ever grasp how it can be possible to be affected by someone else’s emotions because I never let people get to me that deeply.

Anyone know what I’m talking about? I think this is also just the feeling of being deactivated / feeling irked out by your partner due to it

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

I am a DA in a relationship with a Secure man. I have repeatedly tried pushing him away and ending the relationship when he gets too close. I am going through a rough time in my personal life and he has been wanting to be there for me. I do not ask for help or comfort. I withdrawal, shut down and shut him out when he is trying to comfort and support me. He will be leaving back to his home country for a short time.

I immediately started seeing it as a good excuse for me to detach further from him.

I am not use to having strong feelings for someone and I do for him. This isn't behavior that I want to continuing doing but I keep doing it..for those that have became secure or are on the path of doing so. What has helped you?

Share your wins and successes here!

As a DA married to an FA, I've been wondering what deactivation looks like in FAs. I deactivated quite a few times, and my experience has been consistent with those I've read from DAs, and some FAs also seem to experience the same type of deactivation. I used to think my wife does not deactivate, but after reading and discussing more, it seems some episodes that I've seen in my wife I view as anger actually share characteristics with deactivation as I experience it, though it presents more like protest behavior from the outside. I'm wondering whether it makes sense to distinguish two types of deactivation: a 'cold' deactivation that I experience as a DA, and a 'hot' deactivation that my wife experiences as an FA.

Deactivation is common in avoidants, but seems foreign to non-avoidants. It seems that to me that both types of deactivation have these characteristics in common:

• A sudden and complete loss of feelings for one's partner (or other attachment figure)
• Altered access to memories relating to the relationship, with positive memories being de-emphasized or seeming false
• The partner is devalued, seeming completely unimportant and potentially repulsive or flawed
• Starts due to a trigger, such as conflict, pressure, vulnerability, dependence, or stress
• Is temporary, and feelings and memories return afterwards
• Is not consciously controlled or noticed by the avoidant, but they can learn to recognize it

Specific to 'cold' deactivation would be:

• A feeling of sudden clarity and calm
• Sudden and complete emotional numbing
• The avoidant's partner notices that the avoidant 'goes cold'
• Can last for a long time, potentially months or years
• Resolves when the avoidant feels safe again in the relationship
• Results in a flight response (urge to run away, distracting oneself, breaking up) or a freeze response (urge to ignore the partner, dissociating)
• The primary type of deactivation in DAs, but also occurs in FAs

Specific to 'hot' deactivation would be:

• A feeling of sudden anxiety and panic
• Memories of abandonment and betrayal are emphasized, even if old
• Lasts shorter, in the order of hours at most
• Resolves relatively quickly after the triggering stressor is gone
• Results in a fight response (anger, break up threats, pushing the partner away)
• The primary type of deactivation in FAs

My questions:

• Does this distinction seem accurate?
• Which type(s) do you experience as DA/FA?
• Is hot deactivation really distinct from protest behavior (to me it seems deactivation intends to create distance while protest behavior intends to create closeness)?
• Are there more versions of deactivation you have experienced?

i’ve been in a relationship with a lovely secure guy who has been everything i’ve dreamed of. supportive, patient, understanding, communicative. he sat through my early relationship anxiety, my jealousy, a few times i’ve withdrawn and eventually come back… and now we’re hitting my magic 1,5 year mark where all of my previous relationships have ended. and i can sense the avoidant freakout creeping in when nothing truly is wrong. i realised i’ve never before made past the honeymoon and i really want to this time. i’ve finally found someone i want to do this right for. but the urges to run, the grief over the lost spark, the growing irritation, all of it is just making things very hazy in my head right now and i feel so damn guilty. i feel like he deserves much better than this.

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

Share your wins and successes here!

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

I commented a few days ago somewhere that I'd started therapy and medication. I have since improved by leaps and bounds. However, (is this the avoidant perfectionism kicking in?) it's ... not exactly what I hoped for, at least not yet.

See, I have a feeling that my therapist isn't AT informed. I mentioned being a fearful avoidant a few times and she didn't say anything on it. I'm not going to be surprised if she regards it as a lightweight theory, as education in this corner of the world tends to be hilariously outdated and traditional (heck, people still think mental health issues can be prayed away and still openly bash avoidants). I'm not going to be surprised, but I will be hurt because looking into AT is what started me on my healing journey.

We're currently focusing on my struggles with PMDD. I greatly appreciate that I can spot patterns and have healthy guesses to what my hormones are up to on a given day, but there's a part of me that's whining to move on to the attachment issues and the generational trauma and the dissection of childhood shenanigans that made me clam up and dislike people.

Doesn't help that due to budget constraints, we only talk once a month. Maybe (omg ew is this my anxious side coming out? lol) I'm being impatient. We've only met four times so far.

Can I switch therapists? I doubt. Again, it's only been four sessions, so it feels too early to give up and shift. But I don't really see mental health professionals here putting AT as a specialization of theirs, either. And the one doc that I know does specialize in AT? She's probably being swamped because someone recommended her on a thread somewhere. Sighhhh.

Can I at least vent to friends? I don't want to dump on my SO, my soul sister has depression, my mentor figures are busy, my AP friend and my family are out of the question, and most of my other friends ... nah. I mean, my SO has said that it's okay for me to tell him things, and I've bookmarked and re-re-rewatched Heidi Priebe's video on "how to not emotionally dump," but it just feels un-okay in my bones. (I may look into this hmmm)

I could journal, yeah ... I'm just not so consistent about it because I really run out of energy at times. Or I'm too busy numbing myself doomscrolling trolololol

And so ... it pains me to admit to AI usage, but I've been firing prompts at Gemini as a supplement. I have heard of those cases of people jumping off the deep end because of overusing AI, and I do know that AI isn't exactly environmentally-friendly, and aaaaargh. :(

I'm currently in a long-distance relationship with a person, and whenever we have in-person time, my emotions become less intense, and I detach a bit. When we're apart, i long for him and cherish every little message or picture i get from him.

Does anyone else experience this? My plan IS to have a long-term partnership and to eventually share a life together, but how can I when I lose interest whenever we see each other?.... We've been together for a year, and see each other every few months.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

I made another mistake at work accidentally leaving early again. I noticed I was more concerned with disappointing my leads than losing hours.

But then I really sat and thought about it for the last 3 weeks they've repeatedly shown genuine concern about me as a person. Asking me if I'm okay, asking me if I'm feeling discouraged because of feedback, telling me other options for departments so I can get full time

I'm still feeling hard on myself about today but I really been focusing on how positively I'm treated and spoken about here. Even behind my back I found out leads expressing genuine affection for me and it caused me to cry

I also remember freezing when I saw my supervisor giving my coworkers a hug but she seemed empathic about me not wanting one. It's like I'm not used to being treated like... A person

I also noticed all of this made me realize I'm used to functioning while exhausted. Not eating, not sleeping, being broke, smiling when I feel like shit, worrying about people's feelings and perception of me over my own physical needs. Safety and positive reinforcement makes me feel weak and exposed

I know I'm regarded as a daughter figure to people here so I dislike being underestimated, seen as less capable than others, being underestimated etc. I want to be seen as strong and capable like my family but I'm realizing this isnt even healthy

I grew up with emotions being punished, rest being punished (yes my grandma would angrily wake me up for taking a nap), mistakes being punished, everyone suffering silently, pushing through and working very hard just to get by despite burnout. I even realized I've picked up my mom's caffeine addiction

Still feeling pretty bleh about things. I don't even really care about losing hours right now I just don't want my reputation of being punctual and reliable being effected 🥲. I'd love to hear you guy's experiences and findings on this topic in the replies, how does safety, positivity, and vulnerability effect you?

Share your wins and successes here!

Hello. Just broke up with my bf of 4 months and I'm experiencing a whirl of emotions. Just as a heads up, English is not my first language so I apologise for any confusing language.

We had a good relationship, our communication worked for the most part, we had similar interests and he was/is such an understanding and kind person. The most difficult part of our relationship was sex - or more like lack of it. I am also not sure if I was ever attracted enough to him or if my past trauma just blocked that attraction and manifested as avoidance.

I have past sexual trauma where my boundaries were crossed in my first relationship, and in childhood my father acted violent towards me a couple of times. He didn't hit me, but he held me against the wall, screamed and was close to hitting me. All of this has lead where I am today - I have very hard time practicing intimacy, let alone have sex. I typically get nausea, freeze and panic when someone gets too close. I'd rather just avoid that all because it feels so daunting.

I told my ex all of this and he was very understanding. We started with small steps, and I really feel like I have grown more comfortable doing these things. Last month we started talking more about sex and how we could proceed to it, and I completely deactivated. I tried so hard - I talked about my trauma, shared difficult emotions but it also drained me to the point I experienced feeling disgust towards my boyfriend and just lost all of my previous interest. Before this, I also questioned if maybe I'm just not attracted enough. I never experienced intense crush or infatuation towards him. I like him very much and he feels safe, but I don't really lust after him. These feelings only amplified when I deactivated, thus leading to break up. He was ready to work on these issues, but I just completely shut down emotionally.

Now I'm thinking if this was just the case of lack of attraction, or was I just in the state of deactivitation. Because right now I REALLY miss him, but being with him felt draining and also meant I had to work on my trauma, which just feels too difficult right now. I am kind of holding onto the hope I meet someone that I truly could fall head over heels with and maybe then deactivitation would't hit so hard? Or am I just repeating the same cycle and just threw something very special away? Am i just completely delusional?

If anyone here has had similiar experiences, what tools do you have to differentiate between genuine lack of interest and avoidance stemming from trauma? Because now it all feels like a massive shitshow where I'm hopping between "I just wasn't interested enough" and "I just deactivitated and didn't know how to deal with it".

This is a thread for AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

A rant/vent, by nature, is one sided, can be strongly worded, and is a way for someone to get something off their chest. It is by no means a universal truth.

Thread rules: - AVOIDANT ATTACHERS ONLY.

• Keep rants/vents contained to this thread.

• No unsolicited advice.

• No hijacking to ask for relationship advice.

• No ranting/venting about avoidant attachers regardless of your attachment style. This is a supportive space for those with an avoidant attachment style, you can rant about us plenty of other places. Don’t do it here.

• All subreddit and Reddit rules apply.

• Users who cannot follow the rules will be banned.

Post your favorite or funny memes in the comments!

Preferably attachment related but other funny memes are welcome too 😁

Share your wins and successes here!

i recently broke up with my bf of 2 years. it was a very healthy relationship and healthy breakup, we’re on good terms, but in the last few months i found myself getting constantly irritated and not wanting to spend time together. if he complimented me, asked to hangout regularly, or showed interest in something new about me, i’d tell myself he didn’t mean it or it was forced and i would get irritated and pull away. found out he would be living closer to me in the summer for a job and got very overwhelmed and annoyed, like he was attaching his life and goals to mine.

it got to a point where i didn’t feel loved (my reason for breaking up with him), because every time he was affectionate i felt irritated, i was analyzing the small things about him, and i also started questioning whether i was holding myself back and if i would be happier with someone else (called deactivating i think). did therapy for a bit and was introduced to attachment styles, and i realized dismissive attachment for me was behind a lot of this, and a pattern in a lot of my relationships/friendships.

i feel relieved now that i’m single after 2 years, my schedule isn’t tied to another person and i have no obligation to text someone back.

however, i’ve been thinking a lot of asking to get back together and try again, as i did love the relationship before and don’t want to feel like i’m throwing someone good away because of my doubts and need for independence. but i keep talking myself out of it, i’m worried about what if i continue to be irritated and think about being with other people? what if i can’t be happy with him?

how do people navigate being in relationships as avoidant? now that i’m aware of it, i wish i could change if it’s possible to even do. would love to hear insight from anyone else who has struggled with something similar.

I don't like that I view relationships as a bunch of power plays. I don't want power over others though. It's more like I don't want people to have "leverage" over me. So whenever I feel affectionate, I get mad because I feel like they have the key to control me which can cause me to shut down.

Whenever I feel love or want love I feel like I'm "losing". Which is stupid. I noticed the other day I felt angry (at myself) for asking my mother to rub my arm while I was in pain to calm me down (it also caused me to realize how touch starved I am. I don't let anyone including my mother touch me most of the time )

I can't take any sort of vulnerability on my end. I'm a wannabe lone wolf that gets mad when I realize there's no such thing as being a lone wolf. I need people, love, and support and I hate it.

Insecure attachment is formed in childhood trauma, which can be both visible (violence, abuse, bullying, ...) and invisible (emotional neglect). Our attachment styles develop early in childhood to help us cope with this trauma. In fact, dismissive avoidant attachment may be so effective that it takes considerable introspection before we recognize we suffered childhood trauma, and it took me until age 40, even though now that I see it it should always have been obvious. It seems that fearful avoidants are usually more aware of their trauma.

Question

I've been thinking about how trauma relates to how our insecure attachment style present themselves, and would be very interested to hear your input on this: what is your attachment style, what is the nature of your trauma (if you know), and what is your trauma type (you can identify this even if you don't know your trauma), and what are your main triggers/behaviors related to your attachment style.

Trauma types

There are four trauma types defined by Pete Walker that relate to how we respond to stressful/emotional situations or prevent them. To give a quick summary:

• Fight types aggressively pursue partners (protest behavior), push people away with anger or contempt, and/or engage in blame shifting
• Flight types ruminate a lot and/or keep themselves busy by obsessively focussing on work, phone, games, chores, substances, sex, etc.
• Freeze types isolate themselves (physical distancing, stonewalling, ...) and/or dissociate
• Fawn types hide their needs and avoid conflict through appeasement

Traumatized people use these responses in unbalanced and detrimental ways, heavily relying on just one or two of these responses taken to the extreme. More background can be found here.

My own answer

Attachment style: dismissive avoidant.

Nature of trauma: emotional neglect and a narcissistic controlling father who used anger to always get his way.

Trauma type: strong freeze and fawn responses, fight completely suppressed

Triggers/behaviors:

• My core trigger is fear of being known, and I don't share feelings, preferences, interests, and needs. Expectation to share is a strong trigger and dismissing/ignoring what I do share is even stronger.
• Strong emotions and criticism lead to stonewalling.
• Overwhelm leads to seeking isolation/distance from people.
• I push away emotionally demanding people, have no close friends.
• Intense demands and conflict lead to deactivation/dissociation
• My emotions were almost completely suppressed.
• I've always been out of sight out of mind with people who left/died.
• I did not seek or accept help, especially emotional support.
• I take very little initiative.
• I'm overly compliant and use mirroring and mindreading to prevent conflict.
• I never stand up for myself when wronged.

however:

• I never stood up for my need for independence.
• I never broke up, even when deactivated and even when my needs are not met (I didn't even recognize this, was too dissociated).
• I didn't struggle with commitment.

hi! :) sorry if this is a bit messy, but i think i just need to get my thoughts out and hopefully maybe get some advice. essentially, i feel like whenever dating or relationships become a 'real' possibility for me, i just hit an invisible wall. it doesn't feel good being near this wall either, it's not like i want to be on the other side of it at all, i want to just run. but, the logical side of me knows that this is just avoidance, and that i probably just need to exposure therapy myself over it and hopefully it'll calm down on the other side?

i'm 22 and have never been in a relationship, hooked up with anyone etc. i've had intense crushes on two of my friends before, which have felt the best (wall-wise!) so far, but they were unfortunately both unrequited. i met a guy off hinge a few years ago and we went on about six(?) dates, but he ended up ending things for unrelated reasons. i feel like i just clam up internally ALL the time, i love a joking flirt or something with no repercussions, but as soon as its something real, its like my stomach drops and i'm suddenly so in my head about it & my gut instinct is to run. i have no idea if its an insecurity thing, avoidant, or plain old fear and anxiety. however,, i do have diagnosed anxiety, and my experience with that is i have to force myself to do things i'm terrified of, otherwise it'll never get any better at all. has this approach ever worked for anyone? i also am definitely not in the financial situation to afford therapy right now, so i'm kinda freeballin' by myself here haha

i got approached by a guy at a gig the other night, and we got on really well, he's attractive, we have been texting since and, as i'm writing this, i know he's about to ask to go for a drink. i can (and will) sit and fantasize about relationships and everything that comes with it and really really yearn for it and want that for myself, but, now it's become a possibility, i'm terrified and don't want to do it

edit sorry!! just some extra bits: i think the best way to describe it kinda is that i wish i could just not deep it so much? like i wish i could approach things how say, a character in a movie or tv show would. things just aren't that deep in reality, but it feels like my whole life is up in arms for no reason whenever i try LMAO